random nothingness.

today i find myself being hosted by a lovely older couple with a beautiful house- the entire basement is an apartment, and i'm here while the two other girls are upstairs... i do hope that my first apartment (because i doubt i can start off in a house... however nice that would be... too much money for for just starting out though) is this nice and spacious. they have done a wonderful job decorating it...

last night n the road... tomorrow after a 6pm concert at the church on campus it's over for a few weeks...

today i saw a facebook status from a friend of mine... she got married recently. shouldn't say much as she may at some point find this post.

suppose that 'high' my friend from camp warned me about was what she was after... or just to be accepted... to be desired, i think is what she always wanted. *thinking of the clothes she would wear around guys she liked* yes, to be desired.

suppose that's a main difference between most girls and i...

most put themselves out there to be noticed, to flirt, to be thought of as 'hot' by guys, to be well liked by the opposite gender in a romantic sense.

and i sit here, thinking that i'd rather be found, discovered, i guess just for someone to see a diamond under all the dust, even though it's too dusty for some to bother with polishing.

girls are worth more than the advertising they put themselves through... i just don't understand girls that chase after guys, put themselves out there...

not all girls are like that... yet in all but a few girls i know there are strong tendencies towards that... while i tame my hair and match my clothes to look presentable and feel better about myself when i put a bit of care into how i look (as opposed to before, with my size medium cabela's shirt, hockey shirt, and two john deere shirts making up my entire wardrobe and my hair being a frizzy mess... i didn't care about myself or how i looked...) most girls run around the dorms saying they can't go out without makeup because there's this cute guy that they don't know in a certain class, etc.

and then they all stood mouth agape when they found out i go a guy and wasn't even 'shopping' for one.

no worries girls, my non-outgoingness is not well received so i'm not much threat to your prey.

ah well...

i just pray that my friend has a good marriage...
Lord, i know she's strayed from You, but... i know they took counseling from my pastor... please be where You need to be in that situation.

can't believe a friend a year younger than me is married... crazy.

please be with her.

in thinking of that and what my friend from camp (the older brother type) had said about love being a 'high' i can't help but think that that's where the guy that dated me was, just looking for another high. and due to my timidity (read as- me not being good enough. or worth it. no, not true, but how i feel.) the high just wasn't there or wasn't high enough, persay. or just didn't escalate. at any rate.

that guy counselor at camp also mentioned that he was worried that with me being such a nice person that i could really be pushed around in the workplace... take on too much that no on else wants to do... do too many favors... etc... i suppose i can see that... i can be too nice... suppose i'll have to learn to say 'no' in a nice way...? i like helping others, and never want to be an inconvenience, so...

(epiphany as i reread and edit the stuff out that not everyone needs to see while i export to another blog that isn't as deep into my head as the one this was originally on, i was too nice to say no to him wasn't i?
...
good thing i learned my lesson.)

random: i forgot to add yesterday that my friend in jazz that's a messianic jew gave us all a jewish blessing before going to bed... a beautiful song that she felt she should sing as we're a family, parents will sing it to their children before bed every night.

i like being part of  family...

being important somewhere...

and that same person, when she mentioned his status yesterday and told her if his girlfriend prior to me 'liked' it i would hurl and i told her about me being a pathetic girl thiking in the back of my head that he's going to go back to her (especially with the whole 'we think God was just aying 'not now' business.) 
-EDIT- the night we were talking about that? guess who was getting back together with who? intuition FTW!-

she said that after knowing him a bit longer... she could see him doing something like that.

no worthwhile thoughts today... i've been so tired... back so pained... coffee for he mind day but it was like decaf. yet the air felt so wonderful...

*sigh*

when in doubt, breathe the cool air outside...

feel the rain...

Lord, thank you for that...

and i don't know why You made me this way...

i know You wanted me to see life at this level...

there are just a few side-effects that i'll have to learn to live with.

ha, worth it indeed...

'walls' by the rocket summer stuck in my head...

story of my life i can't quite comprehend...