apathy

the spring breeze brushes against my face and the fresh air fills my lungs...
trying...
well, old friends trying to comfort me...
but i can't feel them...


i will again one day, i shouldn't be dead for long.
deadness shall wear away and be shed at some point.

i'm not the only person that understands living under oxymoronic circumstances.

...i truely love my life, despite the ridiculous highs and lows. but it takes the lows to learn how to live and appreciate the highs, yes?




She said, “Friend, all along
Thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry but really
I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die”


“Hey everyone
I’ve got nowhere to go
The grave is lazy
He takes our bodies slowly”





I’m on a roll
I’m feeling Icarus
I might have flown too high


I’m not alone
I’m feeling Icarus
I might have flown too high


Adrianna, I hope you find what you were looking for,
Looking for
Adrianna, I hope you find what you were looking for,
Looking for


Pick up the phone
Please tell me anything
Did you fly too high?


My baby’s grown
Please tell me anything
You might have flown too high


Adrianna, I hope you find what you were looking for,
Looking for
Adrianna, I hope you find what you were looking for,
Looking for


Ahhhhhh, ahhhhhh, ahhhhhh


On my pilgrimage
I’m traveling light with a heavy heart
On my pilgrimage
I’m traveling light and heavy,
Light and heavy, light and heavy


This is my torch to carry
More than just a corpse to bury down
Our souls are made up to be most extraordinarily light and heavy


Adrianna, I hope you find what you were looking for,
Looking for
Adrianna, I hope you find what you were looking for,
Looking for


Light and heavy

inherited stress relief methods...

*random
my great grandmother was a very wonderful pianist... quite the musician... her father was a traveling musician and her mother was on the wild side. they think that her mother was married to her father, yet no one can be quite sure.
she grew up with a harsh aunt and uncle that treated her as a servant on their farm...
she did find solace in the little runt pig she carefully saved and nurtured.
her aunt and uncle butchered it and made her eat it.
i can't imagine after caring for it so much...
she was allowed piano lessons, she found release in it...
mmmm, and i have her piano...
they bought it for $10 from a neighbor that was moving, not sure if her aunt did or she did... beautiful 1904 upright...
i wish i knew more about her...
wish i could play piano and live up to her...
my grandma almost wasn't allowed to go to her funeral, as the family was jehovah's witness and my grandma didn't practice that form of religion.
i wish i could have known my great-grandmother...
ha, i think she would have helped me with my voice lessons joyfully, she seems like she would love to have a member of her family enjoy music as she did...
*realizing*
all the music came to me really... i think there's one of her other great-grand daughters that's in junior high and does drama, but the two of us are as artistic as it gets in this family...
my grandma does such a phenomenal embroidery job...
on the other hand, my dad is also quite artistic, really. he played the piano very very well, but stopped in high school as FFA and dirt bikes were more interesting. so i suppose i get creativity from him aswell...


but i digress.
thinking of my great grandmother and thinking of what piano meant to her...
also entitles a 'but i digress...'
haha, it has always been my piano... i would always mess around with it for as long as i can remember...
i'm thankful it's mine...


haha, traveling musician and wild woman... and she grows up living with a hard family... i do wish i had known her.
ha, her wedding ring won't even fit on my smallest finger, i got the boxy german hands...
you know, i enjoy the fact that my family could enjoy a musical and possibly illegitimate daughter of a traveling musician and a loose woman that grew up in a strict household where her only escape was to practice her piano for hours on end?


this song has been running through my head.



It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today


It's a long way from my thoughts
To what I'll say
It's a long, long way from paradise
To where I am today


All that's in my head
Is in Your hands


It's a long way from
The moon up to the sun
It's a longer road ahead of me
The road that I've begun


Stop to think of all the
Time I've lost
Start to think of all the
Bridges that I've burned
That must be crossed


Over, over, over
Take me over


I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again


I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home


Home, home


I can see the stars
From way down here
But I can't fall asleep
Behind the wheel


It's a long way from the
Shadows in my cave
Up to Your reality to
Watch the sunlight taking over


Over, over, over
Take me over


I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again


I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home


Home, home

defined

Broken

[broh-kuhn]

–adjective

2. reduced to fragments; fragmented.

3. ruptured; torn; fractured.

4. not functioning properly; out of working order.

5. Meteorology . (of sky cover) being more than half, but not totally, covered by clouds. Compare scattered( def. 4 ) .

6. changing direction abruptly: The fox ran in a broken line.

7. fragmentary or incomplete: a broken ton of coal weighing 1,500 pounds.

8. infringed or violated: A broken promise is a betrayal of trust.

9. interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected: After the phone call he returned to his broken sleep.

10. weakened in strength, spirit, etc.: His broken health was due to alcoholism.

11. tamed, trained, or reduced to submission: The horse was broken to the saddle.

12. imperfectly spoken, as language: She still speaks broken English.

13. spoken in a halting or fragmentary manner, as under emotional strain: He uttered a few broken words of sorrow.

14. disunited or divided: Divorce results in broken families.

15. not smooth; rough or irregular: We left the plains and rode through broken country.

16.  ruined; bankrupt: the broken fortunes of his family.

Dead

[ded]

–adjective

1. no longer living; deprived of life: dead people; dead flowers; dead animals.

2. brain-dead.

3. not endowed with life; inanimate: dead stones.

4. resembling death; deathlike: a dead sleep; a dead faint.

5. bereft of sensation; numb: He was half dead with fright. My leg feels dead.

6. lacking sensitivity of feeling; insensitive: dead to the needs of others.

7. incapable of being emotionally moved; unresponsive: dead to the nuances of the music.

8. (of an emotion) no longer felt; ended; extinguished: a dead passion; dead affections.

9. no longer current or prevalent, as in effect, significance, or practice; obsolete: a dead law; a dead controversy.

10. no longer functioning, operating, or productive: a dead motor; a dead battery.

11. not moving or circulating; stagnant; stale: dead water; dead air.

12. utterly tired; exhausted: They felt dead from the six-hour trip.

13. (of a language) no longer in use as a sole means of oral communication among a people: Latin is a dead language.

14. without vitality, spirit, enthusiasm, or the like: a dead party.

15. lacking the customary activity; dull; inactive: a dead business day.

16. complete; absolute: dead silence; The plan was a dead loss.

17. sudden or abrupt, as the complete stoppage of an action: The bus came to a dead stop.

18. put out; extinguished: a dead cigarette.

19. without resilience or bounce: a dead tennis ball.

20. infertile; barren: dead land.

21. exact; precise: the dead center of a circle.

22. accurate; sure; unerring: a dead shot.

23. direct; straight: a dead line.

24. tasteless or flat, as a beverage: a dead soft drink.

25. flat rather than glossy, bright, or brilliant: The house was painted dead white.

26. without resonance; anechoic: dead sound; a dead wall surface of a recording studio.

27. not fruitful; unproductive: dead capital.

28. Law . deprived of civil rights so that one is in the state of civil death, especially deprived of the rights of property.

29. Sports . out of play: a dead ball.

30. (of a golf ball) lying so close to the hole as to make holing on the next stroke a virtual certainty.

31. (of type or copy) having been used or rejected.

32. Electricity .

a. free from any electric connection to a source of potential difference and from electric charge.

b. not having a potential different from that of the earth.

33. Metallurgy . (of steel)

a. fully killed.

b. unresponsive to heat treatment.

34. (of the mouth of a horse) no longer sensitive to the pressure of a bit.

35. noting any rope in a tackle that does not pass over a pulley or is not rove through a block.

–noun

36. the period of greatest darkness, coldness, etc.: the dead of night; the dead of winter.

37. the dead, dead persons collectively: Prayers were recited for the dead.

–adverb

38. absolutely; completely: dead right; dead tired.

39. with sudden and total stoppage of motion, action, or the like: He stopped dead.

40. directly; exactly; straight: The island lay dead ahead.

if i'm alive, then i don't need a witness to know that i survive, i'm not looking for forgiveness...

ha!

well, i am dead.

i know that.

but when i was outside walking around...
the snow reminded me of something.

everytime i die, i come back better than before.

i knew that, yet i didn't realize it.

i may still have hurt, pain, everything inside...

but there's this thing about being an oxymoron.

you can be dead.

but at the same time begin to live.

and then the level of living you ultimately attain is twice that it was before...

odd how i can forget so much, suppose i've been out of the deep pain game for a while.

i may have meant it when i said he won.
he did.

but i forgot.

i can't lose.

i come back.

God ingrained in me life and survival to such a level that it's nearly impossible not to.

i may die for a while, i know that.

but i'll only be dead for a week or so.

maybe less.

you see, ashes and charred remains are the best means to support new life.

ha, i'm a kansas girl, i enjoy seeing the burning fields, fire all around... and that happens to clear away the deadness, and make way for the new life.
it even helps the new life to grow better.

i suppose before i was walking in the snow i was dead, small wonder i didn't remember all of this, great scot, how could i forget?

i like to try and see the root of everything, this can leave me cold and frightening in my bluntness and outward showing of hurt, this can leave me at a loss for words while gazing at the stars or stepping outside into the fresh air.

you know, in all there's one thing i'm sure of.

i may be dead.
but never, ever will i be so forever.

the resolution
it may not let me embed this, but no matter who you are, if you read this...
watch it.

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
I find my body it's still burning

And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution

And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
For the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone

I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear

Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution

The resolution
The resolution

And you hold me down
Yeah you hold me down

Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness

Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution

I need life
I need life
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)


Lord, you have made me to always come back.
stronger.
better.
more alive.

EDIT:
not everyone can see my metaphor in 'i always win' and 'he won'
so it's a metaphor with a lot of meaning packed behind it.
there ya go.
i say this because he thinks i consider life all about winning.
no.
what does he know of life?

poetic justice and compensation.

haha...


it's snowing.


Lord, i love You and your sense of humor.
and poetical irony...


i apologize to the state of kansas and all the inhabitants of this university, but the snow is my fault.


you see, the snow globe is vacant.


ruined.


melted.


but at least i can watch the snow...


and with that a few swirls are revived...


not for long, they're not strong enough to stay...


but they're there...


have i mentioned how much i love having a tree out my window?


and to watch it all calmly floating down...


is it too sad to wish that his car heater is broken so my snow will freeze him on his way back?
no, poetic justice.
he melted any snow in the snow globe, real snow freezing him would seem fitting.
he couldn't take it anyway.


it's still snowing...

snow covering the ground...

snow everywhere...

it's perfect.

it's so insanely perfect...



...so perfect.

the glass passenger. in a kiln.

"I called Jesus but he heard I hurt his little girl, yeah,
with my reckless stare, I've been so unfair
Misplacing my affections"
haha, writing for him now Mr. McMahon?

cleaning the house while listening to my jack's mannequin cds and being insanely ticked off made my vocals sound phenomenal.
'mixed tape' never sounded better.
and i breathed right, breath in stomach out, breathe out stomach in.
'che fiero costume,' the song about cruel cupid, shall be sang most fervently in lessons.

ha, he says they hung out once over spring break and the old feelings came back.
of course.
somehow i knew it would happen.
i knew when it would happen.
i was right.
the feelings he had for her were never gone.
nice of me to tie him over until he was ready to go back to her.
makes me sick.
makes me feel used.
wonder how long he was sure he liked her again and wanted to go back before they started going out.
since before we broke up?
a month?
a week?
a few days?
on a freakin' whim?

i will admit i'm surprised he could last without a girl that long.
that girl in particular.
figured it would be that first weekend he went back.

bah.
mom just asked me if i'm still working on my ASG project.
she said she's really worried that if i can't make decisions this fast then maybe i shouldn't be a designer.
...

listening to jack's mannequin very very loudly was good for me.

ha, the title to one of the jack's mannequin albums is 'the glass passenger'

you know i feel selfish when i act like i'm hurt so deep.
when i finally give in and say that i'm deep.
that i see the depths of the earth and think deeply on a regular basis.
as if it's not my business to say things like that about myself.
i really do feel selfish.
people have hurt like this before.
i'm nothing special.
ha.
at one point he said i was the deepest person he knew.
and he thought i was really an INTJ.
he was once surprised i picked up on how he was feeling.
well he had fun trying to kill the INFP.

ha.

see. i'm laughing.
i'll be fine.

"I hurt you Lindsay. I'm not gonna be able to forget it. And I'm sorry... "

forget it. i'm going to. (try)

and i was too stupid to say no.

...and i still feel ridiculous for the hurt because i didn't like him that much, honestly, it's not something i'm trying to get myself to believe, it's ridiculously true.
suppose my history doesn't help things.

cynical clarity

alt. title options: opened scabs and scars he wouldn't be able to take anyway.
odd, i thought those wounds from years ago were healed.

so the guy that dated me?
oh, he got over me alright, he went back to his old girlfriend, strenghtening my position as a freakin' foot hold.
nice to know i have little enough value to the world that he can get over me so fast.
did he want a new relationship or a break in his old one?
he says he's sorry.
ha.
should have known.
...i did actually.
i'm always right.
and knew this would happen.


i'm not an enigma or whatever he said, i'm a cheap crossword puzzle.
left on the subway with coffee rings smudging the letters.

he thought waiting a week to tell me would be good for me.
HA.
no.
really, he has no say in any part of my life and what's best for me, i have none in his. 


haha, Lord, remember when i would talk to the constellations?
on my really bad days?
they were friends You put there for me...
well, i was talking to Orion the other day and i'm pretty sure You have to watch out or the guy that stabbed me in the back out may not wake up tomorrow. or if he does, which i suppose stars are 'bright' he just might, it shan't be pleasant. just keep Orion in place for now, alright? tell him to simmer down...
or not, it's up to You.

on the upside, if i ever date anyone again it will be 'hi! i'm lindsay and i'm easy to get over. you could be going out with your ex less than a month after you crush me under your heel! in fact, you'll be over me in a matter of days because you were never really over your ex in the first place.'

it almost helps that he's going out with his ex.
because it helps me feel that i never mattered in the first place.

...and i quite like that.


better to think i never mattered than to realize a character fault that deep in a 'friend'

if i didn't like the guy that much why did i just throw up...
hmm.
the world may never know.