i find it remarkable that the creator of an 'ideal man' could not live up to her ideals.
even Ayn broke down.
"John Galt wouldn’t feel this, he would know how to handle this. I don’t know."
her ideal was unbreakable.
strong.
commanding.
yet somehow in his selfishness considerate.
Ayn felt that she had to be like him.
and she found that she couldn't.
Lord, i don't have to be Dagny.
i don't have to be Howard.
i don't even have to be Wynand.
(awkward part of post where i control Z'd my way too far and then forgot how to get it back so i'm re-writing and it's not as good as the first time.)
i deal with the pain you have entrust to me (much like the parable of the servants and the talents, i didn't bury it, i used it to learn and grow...) and learn to coexist (or not accept) humanity within myself.
i am not john galt.
and Lord, You are better.
Ayn set the bar higher than even the bar could reach...
despite all of her philosophies she came up short.
and she felt that at times.
i would have liked to meet her...
talk to her...
at least show her that a Christian can have half a brain.
or just talk.
'yust to talk.' as my character magda says.
-later-
...how sad is it that i'm sick of him to the point that his boasting and arrogance in his bio (i'm designing the layout of the programs for the play) makes me sick?
...makes other people sick aswell, but really.
i do not have to be john galt.
i do not have to be john galt.
i do NOT have to be John Galt!
i don't have to hold a terrible piercing gaze.
i don't have to laugh at the arrogance i see before me.
i don't have to raise my eyebrows and give a glance that kills.
i do not have to let his portrayal of a randian character bring out the stoic INTJ with blunt strength and no weakness.
i need to stay in character.
great scot, he's not ellsworth, he's not ellsworth, he's not ellsworth...
wow.
or is he?
not in scheme perhaps, but it fits...
hmm.
it does indeed.
objectavist jacket.
at anyrate.
just because my head is in Rand as i think of how to portray my character, that does not mean my true character or the character at least that such characters bring about, has to show.
Lord, is it just me or is he like a Howard Roark gone wrong?
no, no, more like...
oh.
perhaps if Keating or Toohey thought he was Roark...
ah, the arrogance...
great scot.
makes sense.
but i shouldn't categorize.
and i shouldn't think arrogance even if i see it.
shake the hell out of it, Lindsay!
it's not like you!
think of...
when the wind pushes the cans of juice you use to keep the curtains closed and they clang on your desk, the sun shines on your face and the fresh air dances across your body it may be time to wake up.
i think after those crazy dreams i'm back to normal for today.
and i now possess a crazy feeling that my music theory teacher is my older brother even though he's not.
*sing-song*
'hey, give me space so i can breathe... hey, give me space now i can breathe...'
oh, that's not how the song goes?
it is for the day.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
a few lines...
Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it. - Ernest Hemingway
...it's difficult to use it if you forget it.
but i can see what he means here.
i need to read some Hemingway; i'd like to get inside his head a bit.
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." - Ernest Hemingway
ridiculously true.
within reason...
certainly you see more faults, realize more, think too much...
once you've lived, you've died, you've loved life for what it is...
you can't go back.
...then again, why would i want to?
*random
i wonder if people realize that every piece of self-worth i possess was fought for.
earned.
had to pass through the fire of my own broken personality.
i didn't begin with any...
but Lord i've gained so much in the past few years...
i think most people take what they think of themselves for granted.
even though i may worry i think too much about myself i'd much rather have begun at nothing and worked my way up that to begin at the top and work my way down...
...it's difficult to use it if you forget it.
but i can see what he means here.
i need to read some Hemingway; i'd like to get inside his head a bit.
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." - Ernest Hemingway
ridiculously true.
within reason...
certainly you see more faults, realize more, think too much...
once you've lived, you've died, you've loved life for what it is...
you can't go back.
...then again, why would i want to?
*random
i wonder if people realize that every piece of self-worth i possess was fought for.
earned.
had to pass through the fire of my own broken personality.
i didn't begin with any...
but Lord i've gained so much in the past few years...
i think most people take what they think of themselves for granted.
even though i may worry i think too much about myself i'd much rather have begun at nothing and worked my way up that to begin at the top and work my way down...
amazing the little things that make us different.
i suppose it does matter.
"...is it mean that i look up there and all i see is that there are a lot of cute guys in the world... and i dated one that i really didn't care for how he looked?"
"yeah, i always wondered why you dated him..."
well, maybe i thought that didn't matter at the time, maybe i just wasn't used to having people like me, we were really good friends so it didn't matter...
i suppose i just saw him and not his looks.
i don't know.
always made me uncomfortable when he boasted about how he looked... once he rambled about it for 25 minutes atraight...
with me thinking 'uhh, well when you actually clean up and wear your eddie bauer jacket and...'
but she added other things i shouldn't even repeat.
don't even want to chance the poor kid hearing those opinions.
shouldn't have said anything about it to have heard such opinions of him and him with her :-/
(random: he should block me from seeing his newsfeed because while i'm not 'subscribed' to him i still see him and his status' when my friends comment/like his status. i generally just see it's him and immediately delete said post from my newsfeed.)
i think my 'no... don't say such things about people' struggle with others' humanity mode came on...
other 'friends' brought it up to me aswell.
that and how young she seems...
...and that other incident they witnessed.
"be glad you didn't kiss him. that would be gross."
'most disturbing thing in my life' and 'train wreck' were used.
...and the 'most disturbing thing in my life' phrase was used by a friend who discovered she was allergic to latex on her wedding night when her husband used a latex condom because her birth control hadn't had time to kick in.
...yikes.
"yeah, i always wondered why you dated him..."
well, maybe i thought that didn't matter at the time, maybe i just wasn't used to having people like me, we were really good friends so it didn't matter...
i suppose i just saw him and not his looks.
i don't know.
always made me uncomfortable when he boasted about how he looked... once he rambled about it for 25 minutes atraight...
with me thinking 'uhh, well when you actually clean up and wear your eddie bauer jacket and...'
but she added other things i shouldn't even repeat.
don't even want to chance the poor kid hearing those opinions.
shouldn't have said anything about it to have heard such opinions of him and him with her :-/
(random: he should block me from seeing his newsfeed because while i'm not 'subscribed' to him i still see him and his status' when my friends comment/like his status. i generally just see it's him and immediately delete said post from my newsfeed.)
i think my 'no... don't say such things about people' struggle with others' humanity mode came on...
other 'friends' brought it up to me aswell.
that and how young she seems...
...and that other incident they witnessed.
"be glad you didn't kiss him. that would be gross."
'most disturbing thing in my life' and 'train wreck' were used.
...and the 'most disturbing thing in my life' phrase was used by a friend who discovered she was allergic to latex on her wedding night when her husband used a latex condom because her birth control hadn't had time to kick in.
...yikes.
Monday, September 26, 2011
...i like pistachios better myself.
it's okay charlie brown, i think you're more mature than they are...
except you can be too trusting.
...i almost wish i had that problem.
...then again i did, once.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
bound and free.
5:30am alarm...
snooze...
snooze...
dismiss snooze...
try not to snooze anyway...
snooze...
dismiss snooze...
try not to snooze anyway...
...snooze...
...jump up and realize i snoozed...
pull myself out of bed and down some orange juice to get myself going.
look outside and see the sky turn gray as i walk out to my new truck...
feels good wearing my favorite jeans and my old boots...
...and driving a truck that used to belong to some of my favorite people as i go to my favorite place, where they used to live.
...jump up and realize i snoozed...
pull myself out of bed and down some orange juice to get myself going.
look outside and see the sky turn gray as i walk out to my new truck...
feels good wearing my favorite jeans and my old boots...
...and driving a truck that used to belong to some of my favorite people as i go to my favorite place, where they used to live.
driving into the sunrise i rethink my scattered blog from the night before...
and i realize that the sunrise is a bandage to the wound.
it heals.
it does matter what you bind your gashes with because it becomes a part of you as it heals...
but those luminous clouds you find in the morning are wrapped around me and my scars...
and i realize that the sunrise is a bandage to the wound.
it heals.
it does matter what you bind your gashes with because it becomes a part of you as it heals...
but those luminous clouds you find in the morning are wrapped around me and my scars...
i pray that they become a part of me.
still cold when the sun rises but there's work to be done...
i tie buddy up in the stud pen after unsaddling him;
the rest of the horses went out on a ride leaving just a few behind.
he neighs loudly but looks at me intently as i stroke his soft winter coat...
sweeping the barn out i hear crickets, loud whinnies from the horses left behind, and out site director's dog barking in reply; just making sure we didn't forget her.
broom swishing...
wind in the trees...
still more loud neighs...
still cold when the sun rises but there's work to be done...
i tie buddy up in the stud pen after unsaddling him;
the rest of the horses went out on a ride leaving just a few behind.
he neighs loudly but looks at me intently as i stroke his soft winter coat...
sweeping the barn out i hear crickets, loud whinnies from the horses left behind, and out site director's dog barking in reply; just making sure we didn't forget her.
broom swishing...
wind in the trees...
still more loud neighs...
molly still whining...
me trying to brush off the palamino and black hairs clinging to me...
music to my ears.
me trying to brush off the palamino and black hairs clinging to me...
music to my ears.
can't i hear this everyday?
then talking to people in between, playing hostess and enjoying being 'outgoing' persay.
thoroughly enjoying my usefulness and purpose as i try to relay info to the new groups coming in and ask them to sit in a certain place while the other group finishes riding...
maybe i just enjoyed wearing boots and jeans all day.
then talking to people in between, playing hostess and enjoying being 'outgoing' persay.
thoroughly enjoying my usefulness and purpose as i try to relay info to the new groups coming in and ask them to sit in a certain place while the other group finishes riding...
maybe i just enjoyed wearing boots and jeans all day.
or, as i thought while walking to the barn sometime that afternoon, maybe i just loved actually doing work.
going to lunch and catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror...
and laughing at how i actually am pretty despite the dust from cleaning out so many helmets and pairs of boots and the messy hair that i just threw in a pony tail.
i suppose i doubt or forget it but remember from time to time.
or maybe i wasn't thinking of the mirror.
then giving lead rides for several hours...
150 kids/leaders get sifted through our horses in one way or another.
for about 100 of them this would be lead rides.
with the head wrangler sending them out to three wranglers and the 'junior' wrangler (me for the day) this makes about 25 rides each or 50 laps walking around a good sized arena for each of us.
unbridling and setting the horses loose...
going to lunch and catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror...
and laughing at how i actually am pretty despite the dust from cleaning out so many helmets and pairs of boots and the messy hair that i just threw in a pony tail.
i suppose i doubt or forget it but remember from time to time.
or maybe i wasn't thinking of the mirror.
then giving lead rides for several hours...
150 kids/leaders get sifted through our horses in one way or another.
for about 100 of them this would be lead rides.
with the head wrangler sending them out to three wranglers and the 'junior' wrangler (me for the day) this makes about 25 rides each or 50 laps walking around a good sized arena for each of us.
unbridling and setting the horses loose...
5:30...
and i get on the road at 6pm...
tired but worth it.
spent the day working with some good people.
had biscuits and gravy.
ate a cinnamon bagel while listening to jack johnson while driving along watching the sunrise in my new truck while wearing boots and jeans...
worked with horses all day even if i didn't ride...
and i get on the road at 6pm...
tired but worth it.
spent the day working with some good people.
had biscuits and gravy.
ate a cinnamon bagel while listening to jack johnson while driving along watching the sunrise in my new truck while wearing boots and jeans...
worked with horses all day even if i didn't ride...
earned my dinner...
worked outside all day...
sinking into my bed at the end of the day feeling like i put in a good day's work.
sore from how much i've been doing the past few days.
but as i said...
worth it.
worked outside all day...
sinking into my bed at the end of the day feeling like i put in a good day's work.
sore from how much i've been doing the past few days.
but as i said...
worth it.
Friday, September 23, 2011
is this the sound of settling?
if i say that i'm settling maybe i will write myself into that truth as i ironically have for the past several months...
still don't understand my foresight in some situations...
but nothing is definite.
stream of thought.
wind breezing past my face and the lights in the tunnel flying by...
i sing at the top of my lungs and laugh at my soprano range as it resonates and becomes louder as the concrete walls toss the sound about...
suburban woods welcome me as the trees say 'at last, someone that knows us.' while i lazily ride down the path wishing i could pick up the speed.
almost run into some guy i've seen around campus that wears red vibram shoes.
wasn't paying attention because my other cycling friend was lagging behind.
day before, practicing lines and motions.
'i never work for dis one!'
no, not right...
try it again...
'i never work for dis one!'
*points off to my right, realizes guy that i almost ran into today is there*
*feel awkward, and laugh at the irony and apologize*
wondering if those vibrams are comfortable and why they're so popular.
thinking of how much i love having my converse lined in lime green and hoping the paint will come off of my reef flip-flops.
all the sudden i wake up with a jolt as you realize how late it is...
9am class tomorrow and i got in about midnight.
i finally rinse the conditioner out of my hair and hurriedly scrub.
scrub what, i didn't even sweat.
when was the last time you really worked out; were in pain the next day, and felt good about the exercise you had done...
would be nice to cycle fast or at least not slow.
or bench.
upper-body strength sounds nice.
and i suddenly jump, shake off the thoughts pulling me under, and wake up again; finding myself faced with the most terrifying part of the day:
the end.
menacing music begins playing as i toy with the handle.
hot, cold, hot, cold...
perhaps a few more minutes of hot water rolling down my back will make the coming departure easier?
the brain, having endured this torture for years, shifts into autonomy.
the process being one humans have endured for centuries.
or at least decades.
without a thought you switch the water off and step out; cold air rushing in as i grasp my towel, dry off and wonder at how i am not thinking...
but am.
odd creature.
i walk out of the stall and find myself at the mirror; immediatly i judge my own features and inspect the new recruits your acne is training.
was it really just a year ago those old acne spots were not there?
a year since you had freckles and smooth skin?
as i begin brushing your teeth i find myself wishing i would invest in one of those lame novelty towels that have straps so you can hold it up easily.
this idea becomes more enticing as i hold my arms tightly to your sides while washing my face.
'no, just... last... few... seconds... more....!'
going back into the stall to change clothes i carefully arrange the plastic curtain as to show nothing.
wait a minute, why do i care, wasn't it yesterday i had a friend help me fit a 'big girl bra' (not sports-bra) because i had no idea, needed one for the play, and pretty much had to get the smallest one in the store?
...yeah. yeah it was yesterday.
rinse my face off and look into my eyes as the water is running and my face is wet...
narration still running through my mind as i notice my still lips.
hmm.
odd to be talking but not talking.
then again i'm talking but not talking in a lot of cases.
sometimes i'm even making sound.
leaving the restrooms i cross the hall and into my room.
the lamp has a few bulbs burned out as to allow only one bulb to be lit at the first setting.
this is so i can turn it on without disturbing my sleeping room-mate.
...but really, i just haven't gotten around to paying for new light bulbs.
sitting down at the computer i being to breathe.
think of all the thoughts lost in transit.
wonder at how my communication with myself throughout the day has turned into building, forgetting, and deconstructing the fragments at the end of the day...
1:30am...
maybe i should record my narration as to not lose it.
ish.
...evidence for how tired i was may be shown in the fact that i intended to post this at 1:30 last night.
i thought i did...
i sing at the top of my lungs and laugh at my soprano range as it resonates and becomes louder as the concrete walls toss the sound about...
suburban woods welcome me as the trees say 'at last, someone that knows us.' while i lazily ride down the path wishing i could pick up the speed.
almost run into some guy i've seen around campus that wears red vibram shoes.
wasn't paying attention because my other cycling friend was lagging behind.
day before, practicing lines and motions.
'i never work for dis one!'
no, not right...
try it again...
'i never work for dis one!'
*points off to my right, realizes guy that i almost ran into today is there*
*feel awkward, and laugh at the irony and apologize*
wondering if those vibrams are comfortable and why they're so popular.
thinking of how much i love having my converse lined in lime green and hoping the paint will come off of my reef flip-flops.
all the sudden i wake up with a jolt as you realize how late it is...
9am class tomorrow and i got in about midnight.
i finally rinse the conditioner out of my hair and hurriedly scrub.
scrub what, i didn't even sweat.
when was the last time you really worked out; were in pain the next day, and felt good about the exercise you had done...
would be nice to cycle fast or at least not slow.
or bench.
upper-body strength sounds nice.
and i suddenly jump, shake off the thoughts pulling me under, and wake up again; finding myself faced with the most terrifying part of the day:
the end.
menacing music begins playing as i toy with the handle.
hot, cold, hot, cold...
perhaps a few more minutes of hot water rolling down my back will make the coming departure easier?
the brain, having endured this torture for years, shifts into autonomy.
the process being one humans have endured for centuries.
or at least decades.
without a thought you switch the water off and step out; cold air rushing in as i grasp my towel, dry off and wonder at how i am not thinking...
but am.
odd creature.
i walk out of the stall and find myself at the mirror; immediatly i judge my own features and inspect the new recruits your acne is training.
was it really just a year ago those old acne spots were not there?
a year since you had freckles and smooth skin?
as i begin brushing your teeth i find myself wishing i would invest in one of those lame novelty towels that have straps so you can hold it up easily.
this idea becomes more enticing as i hold my arms tightly to your sides while washing my face.
'no, just... last... few... seconds... more....!'
going back into the stall to change clothes i carefully arrange the plastic curtain as to show nothing.
wait a minute, why do i care, wasn't it yesterday i had a friend help me fit a 'big girl bra' (not sports-bra) because i had no idea, needed one for the play, and pretty much had to get the smallest one in the store?
...yeah. yeah it was yesterday.
rinse my face off and look into my eyes as the water is running and my face is wet...
narration still running through my mind as i notice my still lips.
hmm.
odd to be talking but not talking.
then again i'm talking but not talking in a lot of cases.
sometimes i'm even making sound.
leaving the restrooms i cross the hall and into my room.
the lamp has a few bulbs burned out as to allow only one bulb to be lit at the first setting.
this is so i can turn it on without disturbing my sleeping room-mate.
...but really, i just haven't gotten around to paying for new light bulbs.
sitting down at the computer i being to breathe.
think of all the thoughts lost in transit.
wonder at how my communication with myself throughout the day has turned into building, forgetting, and deconstructing the fragments at the end of the day...
1:30am...
maybe i should record my narration as to not lose it.
ish.
...evidence for how tired i was may be shown in the fact that i intended to post this at 1:30 last night.
i thought i did...
...but really, i'd prefer the orange juice.
there are some rituals you wish to start everyday with.
sipping orange juice while reading the morning paper.
bagging sack lunches as you watch the morning news.
walking your dog as the sunrise peaks over the suburban landscape.
hitting the snooze button until noon.
me, i dream of simply being able to take a shower in the mornings.
i have a feeling this would fail miserably as my snooze-button marathon would send me reeling (in handy five-minute increments) into a i-have-to-go-to-work-in-five-minutes frenzy.
not that i have any experience in this. (albeit working at a camp has conditioned me to be much better about this.)
still.
even if i got up early i think my train of thought would send me (in handy twenty minute between-rinse increments) into a i-just-got-out-of-the-shower-and-i-have-to-go-to-work-in-five-minutes frenzy.
moral of the story is:
stop typing and go to sleep already.
or get a convertible and go through the car wash with the top down on your way to work, hmm...
goodnight moon, may you sail where the winds walk...
...and leave a trail that i can follow.
sipping orange juice while reading the morning paper.
bagging sack lunches as you watch the morning news.
walking your dog as the sunrise peaks over the suburban landscape.
hitting the snooze button until noon.
me, i dream of simply being able to take a shower in the mornings.
i have a feeling this would fail miserably as my snooze-button marathon would send me reeling (in handy five-minute increments) into a i-have-to-go-to-work-in-five-minutes frenzy.
not that i have any experience in this. (albeit working at a camp has conditioned me to be much better about this.)
still.
even if i got up early i think my train of thought would send me (in handy twenty minute between-rinse increments) into a i-just-got-out-of-the-shower-and-i-have-to-go-to-work-in-five-minutes frenzy.
moral of the story is:
stop typing and go to sleep already.
or get a convertible and go through the car wash with the top down on your way to work, hmm...
goodnight moon, may you sail where the winds walk...
...and leave a trail that i can follow.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
you have to start somewhere...
so.
i'm thinking that improv club is good for me.
i'm thinking that improv club is good for me.
...the way the guy leading it kept saying how we're not judging and there's no thinking that you're in adequate, not funny, not important, etc...
felt like he read this blog or something, crazy.
at anyrate even if i'm not that great at it...
even if i will probably think i'm not that good at it for a while before i just don't think about it...
i'll get there :)
at anyrate, not thinking, just doing, and being crazy will be good for me.
trying to do things in large groups will also be good for me...
i tend to get on the edge; not interact in any group i find myself and i saw some of that today; as soon as the group had three people i found myself on the edge wondering how i can still do something and not detract from what the others are doing... i figured just standing there wasn't an option.
or when we were all running around doing something (we were playing a game where someone yells out a suggestion like 'let's have a slumber party!' and then everyone pretends their at a slumber party...) and i yelled something...
no one hears...
no one hears...
okay, forget that suggestion. never said it.
i suppose i'm used to not being heard or noticed...
...after a while i did try it again and someone heard...
i suppose i'm only loud when using my 'i'm in charge and this needs done' counselor voice...
...i need more sleep, especially if i'm going to deal with 150 3/4th grade girls over the weekend... yikes...
...but i'm excited; outdoors and camp...
...but i'm excited; outdoors and camp...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
...wait, who's the mature one?
wow...
apparently more people are thoroughly disgusted with his brand of 'maturity' than i had known.
like four of my friends that saw them going at it and all over each other when there was a lot of people around.
apparently they looked, just started staring, and said 'it's so disgusting... but i can't look away... it's like a train wreck...'
...one of them has been married...
another has made out with a lot of guys but still found this disgusting...
nice to see that he treasures her enough to do so much in public, just flaunting the maturity where faculty and students will complain about it, right?
*note sarcasm
i didn't realize they were that bad on the PDA front.
thank goodness i never kissed the guy.
apparently more people are thoroughly disgusted with his brand of 'maturity' than i had known.
like four of my friends that saw them going at it and all over each other when there was a lot of people around.
apparently they looked, just started staring, and said 'it's so disgusting... but i can't look away... it's like a train wreck...'
...one of them has been married...
another has made out with a lot of guys but still found this disgusting...
nice to see that he treasures her enough to do so much in public, just flaunting the maturity where faculty and students will complain about it, right?
*note sarcasm
i didn't realize they were that bad on the PDA front.
thank goodness i never kissed the guy.
jackson pollock's brand of perfection.
there was quite lot of thought behind this,
but i think it reaches too deep for HTML.
all i will say is...
indeed i am.
but i think it reaches too deep for HTML.
all i will say is...
indeed i am.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
a shoulder to rest your head upon
in chapel today it was mentioned how we need to give what we do not understand to God and we will be free of it.
...but i think sometimes You sit down on the ground beside us, put Your arm around us and say 'Let's work through this.'
*random
i wonder at how i avoid eye contact with everyone...
when someone begins talking to me or if i know them well enough to begin talking to them i will look them in the eye...
other than that it's a trained habit of avoidance.
for some reason especially when i kind of know them but not really.
hmm.
...but i think sometimes You sit down on the ground beside us, put Your arm around us and say 'Let's work through this.'
*random
i wonder at how i avoid eye contact with everyone...
when someone begins talking to me or if i know them well enough to begin talking to them i will look them in the eye...
other than that it's a trained habit of avoidance.
for some reason especially when i kind of know them but not really.
hmm.
closing my eyes with a smile while grimacing at memories...
Hey Lord...
i can't get the outdoors out of my head.
the feel bounces around constantly, the grass calls out to me by name, and the trees whisper to me at all times.
if i'm not thinking outdoors then i still am.
silly nature.
i'm not a part of you...
but i am.
it feels so old yet so young...
i suppose i can understand even if years are not (yet) on my side.
nature is far more forgiving and accepting than i however; it is not vengeful and while poetic justice is something nature holds dear it only plays that card when it feels like it...
it warms the cheek of those who have ruthlessly silenced my life...
while i'm basking in the glory of the sun dancing upon my hair...
feeling synonymous with the grass i feel underfoot while being unable to speak to those who have hurt me.
ha, but the skies tipped their hat in my direction that day it snowed...
it did indeed...
the earth and You embraced me a bit extra on that day i was finally laid to rest...
i had peace for a time...
all i can do is rub my scars and breathe deeply as the rain cleanses me...
that, my friend, is a good place to be.
i can't get the outdoors out of my head.
the feel bounces around constantly, the grass calls out to me by name, and the trees whisper to me at all times.
if i'm not thinking outdoors then i still am.
silly nature.
i'm not a part of you...
but i am.
it feels so old yet so young...
i suppose i can understand even if years are not (yet) on my side.
nature is far more forgiving and accepting than i however; it is not vengeful and while poetic justice is something nature holds dear it only plays that card when it feels like it...
it warms the cheek of those who have ruthlessly silenced my life...
while i'm basking in the glory of the sun dancing upon my hair...
feeling synonymous with the grass i feel underfoot while being unable to speak to those who have hurt me.
ha, but the skies tipped their hat in my direction that day it snowed...
it did indeed...
the earth and You embraced me a bit extra on that day i was finally laid to rest...
i had peace for a time...
all i can do is rub my scars and breathe deeply as the rain cleanses me...
that, my friend, is a good place to be.
Monday, September 19, 2011
why the darkness has light
as much as i love to make others smile...
i enjoy it much more when i'm smiling with them.
...that doesn't always get to happen.
and i enjoy walking outside, taking my shoes off and returning back to the earth...
feels so right.
i enjoy it much more when i'm smiling with them.
...that doesn't always get to happen.
and i enjoy walking outside, taking my shoes off and returning back to the earth...
feels so right.
slowly waking up
*random
when talking to friends that were obsessing about cars and vehicles i thanked them profusely for not saying things like 'i want to make love to it' as a saying to express how much they like the car.
they looked revolted and said 'no, no nononono! who says that? that's sick, i know it's an expression but jeese... it's an inanimate object and...'
who indeed.
well i hope his girlfriend is okay with him saying things like that.
*random
it always bothered me that when we dated that guy would always say that 'fetish' means something sexual and would tell me not to say it.
it doesn't only mean that, there are other meanings.
he said it meant the sexual fixation definition and that's it.
i said it wasn't the only way to use it.
he said it was, that i shouldn't use the word, and that i could trust him on that and one day would thank him for making me stop using the word.
it. is. not.
^click the link. read.
it was an arrogance show on his part.
glad i don't have to deal with that.
when talking to friends that were obsessing about cars and vehicles i thanked them profusely for not saying things like 'i want to make love to it' as a saying to express how much they like the car.
they looked revolted and said 'no, no nononono! who says that? that's sick, i know it's an expression but jeese... it's an inanimate object and...'
who indeed.
well i hope his girlfriend is okay with him saying things like that.
*random
it always bothered me that when we dated that guy would always say that 'fetish' means something sexual and would tell me not to say it.
it doesn't only mean that, there are other meanings.
he said it meant the sexual fixation definition and that's it.
i said it wasn't the only way to use it.
he said it was, that i shouldn't use the word, and that i could trust him on that and one day would thank him for making me stop using the word.
it. is. not.
^click the link. read.
it was an arrogance show on his part.
glad i don't have to deal with that.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
what i do instead of homework
reading this textbook on interpersonal communication is quite ridiculous...
...
like the examples of 'reflected appraisal' that demonstrate ways children would begin to view themselves and the world negatively.
...
textbook example, pardon the pun.
i could have written these examples...
one thing mentioned in class today did stick to me.
it was mentioned that until cognitive complexity is developed just a little then children will believe whatever they're told which is why it's not good to tease them.
i thought of my pastor's daughter in third grade while i was in second.
she didn't have much cognitive complexity.
...
when did i not?
even when things people said in preschool or something bothered me i knew it wasn't right, was just their opinion, etc...
i suppose when i was two or three it wasn't quite there; judging from a story my mom told me.
she told me the cat said i was lying.
'i just don't understand why he would say such a thing!'
...
wait, this was when i was 3 or so and i got out that much of a sentence?
wordy little kid...
at the same time, just because you possess cognitive functions like that before most of the population does and you do not treat what they are saying as true... that does not mean that 'reflected appraisal' will not eventually pummel its way into your self-image in such a way that you spend years tearing it out.
it's remarkable how resilient i was only to wake up that one day freshman year of high school and realize...
i believed every word.
cognitive complexity, yes.
but i wonder at how you can resist and succumb at the same time.
leave it to the paradox... ha!
...
like the examples of 'reflected appraisal' that demonstrate ways children would begin to view themselves and the world negatively.
...
textbook example, pardon the pun.
i could have written these examples...
one thing mentioned in class today did stick to me.
it was mentioned that until cognitive complexity is developed just a little then children will believe whatever they're told which is why it's not good to tease them.
i thought of my pastor's daughter in third grade while i was in second.
she didn't have much cognitive complexity.
...
when did i not?
even when things people said in preschool or something bothered me i knew it wasn't right, was just their opinion, etc...
i suppose when i was two or three it wasn't quite there; judging from a story my mom told me.
she told me the cat said i was lying.
'i just don't understand why he would say such a thing!'
...
wait, this was when i was 3 or so and i got out that much of a sentence?
wordy little kid...
at the same time, just because you possess cognitive functions like that before most of the population does and you do not treat what they are saying as true... that does not mean that 'reflected appraisal' will not eventually pummel its way into your self-image in such a way that you spend years tearing it out.
it's remarkable how resilient i was only to wake up that one day freshman year of high school and realize...
i believed every word.
cognitive complexity, yes.
but i wonder at how you can resist and succumb at the same time.
leave it to the paradox... ha!
Friday, September 16, 2011
in a nutshell
*looks up from computer as Frasier changes to commercial*
*sees that it's a cheesy Hallmark Christian love story movie commercial*
*raises eye brow*
*looks down at computer*
*begins reading Wolverine*
*sees that it's a cheesy Hallmark Christian love story movie commercial*
*raises eye brow*
*looks down at computer*
*begins reading Wolverine*
dear wolverine,
when the world thinks you and the rest of the x-men are dead and you are undercover as 'patch,'
do not say you are going to 'the little mutants room'
-lindsay
do not say you are going to 'the little mutants room'
-lindsay
Thursday, September 15, 2011
why you're never really alone...
i love it when the leaves whisper to me...
when the wind plays with my hair...
when the feel of the air makes me smile...
could one ever wish for better company?
-much later-
sometimes stretching out on the couch with a pillow is the best way to spend your free time.
-MUCH later-
it seems logan knows the death of spirit and it angers him greatly when someone is killed in such a matter.
this is a good comic for describing logan's character...
'nope. killing you wouldn't have made me happy. maybe you think you've won. fine. makes no difference to me. because taking a life does not bring me any joy. hardly anything does...
except innocence.
because i've seen it so little i've learned to cherish it.
and all you knew how to do...
was destroy it.'
when the wind plays with my hair...
when the feel of the air makes me smile...
could one ever wish for better company?
-much later-
sometimes stretching out on the couch with a pillow is the best way to spend your free time.
-MUCH later-
it seems logan knows the death of spirit and it angers him greatly when someone is killed in such a matter.
this is a good comic for describing logan's character...
'nope. killing you wouldn't have made me happy. maybe you think you've won. fine. makes no difference to me. because taking a life does not bring me any joy. hardly anything does...
except innocence.
because i've seen it so little i've learned to cherish it.
and all you knew how to do...
was destroy it.'
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
the (scorned by the one who first called her an) enigma
it intrigues and astounds me, the many aspects my personality has.
then again, everyone has several aspects...
but i can go from seething anger to prancing about the bathroom in a towel when no one's there.
coming to the mirror.
trying to keep a straight face.
and laughing at my own crazed antics.
i go from shrinking away in pain to leaping and turning across the room.
i can mask anything by making people laugh.
and i read marvel comics and ayn rand.
i'm a slight figure that fears nothing yet for a time trembled at the sight of one person.
i blow bubbles and then contemplate the meaning of life.
i suppose that i live.
Lord, there are so many aspects to living...
but these scars, Lord...
i love each and every one of them.
but did You have to make that last mark?
i took years of ridicule and demoralizing comments better than that.
but You're right, as usual.
You did teach me so much and entrusted so much to me.
perhaps i'm just left to grow on my own...
but Lord, the good thing about now having anyone to influence you in life is that it's just up to You and me.
that's the beauty of being an introvert and living alone.
it's just You and me, Lord.
then again, everyone has several aspects...
but i can go from seething anger to prancing about the bathroom in a towel when no one's there.
coming to the mirror.
trying to keep a straight face.
and laughing at my own crazed antics.
i go from shrinking away in pain to leaping and turning across the room.
i can mask anything by making people laugh.
and i read marvel comics and ayn rand.
i'm a slight figure that fears nothing yet for a time trembled at the sight of one person.
i blow bubbles and then contemplate the meaning of life.
i suppose that i live.
Lord, there are so many aspects to living...
but these scars, Lord...
i love each and every one of them.
but did You have to make that last mark?
i took years of ridicule and demoralizing comments better than that.
but You're right, as usual.
You did teach me so much and entrusted so much to me.
perhaps i'm just left to grow on my own...
but Lord, the good thing about now having anyone to influence you in life is that it's just up to You and me.
that's the beauty of being an introvert and living alone.
it's just You and me, Lord.
observations of revelations.
*random
yesterday at jazz the director asked how everyone's chops were doing, i jokingly answered that mine were fine and we could play all night.
(this is funny because i don't play a wind instrument in jazz... chops are not an issue)
he laughed, rephrased the question and directed it at me.
'how's the confidence level back there?'
...
the couple of jazz members that remembered things i had shared about me in Germany and how much Sir had stressed me being confident in my playing kinda thought 'ooooooh...'
hmm.
leave it to every jazz director i meet to pinpoint my issues, even if it's just in jazz.
on the scale of 1-10 i was given i chose 5/6 but by the way i was playing he thought i was much higher...
yes!
playing more confidently than i am, that helps the band indeed...
i am getting used to playing without a piano (however our pianist from last year coming to help us yesterday was much appreciated...) and that's making me a stronger player, i didn't really back-peddle at all from not being able to practice while at camp...
*random
it's impossible not to live when you step outside with this kind of weather...
*random
'No matter how hard i strive for inner serenity, I screw up. So why bother? By nature, we're both scrappers. We like it. An' when the need arises we can kill. Yukio wants me the way that I am. Mariko makes me want to change, to grow-- to temper the berserker in me.
I love 'em both. I failed 'em both. Worse, I failed myself.
Because I lost myself.
The key isn't winning or losing, it's making the attempt. I may never be what i ought to be, want to be-- but how will i know unless i try? Sure, it's scary, but what's the alternative? Stagnation -- a safer, more terrible form of death. not of the body, but of the spirit.
An animal knows what it is and accepts it. A man may know what he is-- but he questions. he dreams. he strives. changes. grows.'
yesterday at jazz the director asked how everyone's chops were doing, i jokingly answered that mine were fine and we could play all night.
(this is funny because i don't play a wind instrument in jazz... chops are not an issue)
he laughed, rephrased the question and directed it at me.
'how's the confidence level back there?'
...
the couple of jazz members that remembered things i had shared about me in Germany and how much Sir had stressed me being confident in my playing kinda thought 'ooooooh...'
hmm.
leave it to every jazz director i meet to pinpoint my issues, even if it's just in jazz.
on the scale of 1-10 i was given i chose 5/6 but by the way i was playing he thought i was much higher...
yes!
playing more confidently than i am, that helps the band indeed...
i am getting used to playing without a piano (however our pianist from last year coming to help us yesterday was much appreciated...) and that's making me a stronger player, i didn't really back-peddle at all from not being able to practice while at camp...
*random
it's impossible not to live when you step outside with this kind of weather...
*random
'No matter how hard i strive for inner serenity, I screw up. So why bother? By nature, we're both scrappers. We like it. An' when the need arises we can kill. Yukio wants me the way that I am. Mariko makes me want to change, to grow-- to temper the berserker in me.
I love 'em both. I failed 'em both. Worse, I failed myself.
Because I lost myself.
The key isn't winning or losing, it's making the attempt. I may never be what i ought to be, want to be-- but how will i know unless i try? Sure, it's scary, but what's the alternative? Stagnation -- a safer, more terrible form of death. not of the body, but of the spirit.
An animal knows what it is and accepts it. A man may know what he is-- but he questions. he dreams. he strives. changes. grows.'
wolverine, we are more alike than i could have guessed.
but then again just because the desire to grow is true of me also doesn't mean we're alike;
that should be true of everyone.
but we realize it.
i may not be as tough as logan but i certainly have rough spots...
if i need them.
...and i want to know how in this 1982 issue wolverine has brown eyes but in Origin he had blue eyes...
*random
this attitude in wolverine is present early in his life...
i need to read as things progress, i'm curious how the shift occurs when Mariko is killed...
*random
You know Lord, i find it interesting that it is best to end up with someone that makes you better. someone that challenges you to grow. become a better person.
...i do that already.
my own skin becomes uncomfortable when i go against who i am.
when i'm not striving to be better.
perhaps not even that...
when i'm not learning more about becoming who i really am.
whoever that is...
the more you know the more you don't know...
cognitive perplexity (being able to understand things and reasons behind opinions) just adds confusion to it all.
sometimes i look at people that have difficulties understanding the perspectives of others with envy.
certainly just because i comprehend does not mean i can have empathy, but i can perceive the reasons.
and that makes things confusing.
then again many that cannot understand perspectives make assumptions...
i'm always afraid of that; perhaps paranoically so. (...is that a word? well it is now.)
and no matter how much you think you can perceive there will always be things you don't know about people.
i wonder at how this blog makes me seem...
it says so much and yet nothing.
hmm.
*random
this attitude in wolverine is present early in his life...
i need to read as things progress, i'm curious how the shift occurs when Mariko is killed...
*random
You know Lord, i find it interesting that it is best to end up with someone that makes you better. someone that challenges you to grow. become a better person.
...i do that already.
my own skin becomes uncomfortable when i go against who i am.
when i'm not striving to be better.
perhaps not even that...
when i'm not learning more about becoming who i really am.
whoever that is...
the more you know the more you don't know...
cognitive perplexity (being able to understand things and reasons behind opinions) just adds confusion to it all.
sometimes i look at people that have difficulties understanding the perspectives of others with envy.
certainly just because i comprehend does not mean i can have empathy, but i can perceive the reasons.
and that makes things confusing.
then again many that cannot understand perspectives make assumptions...
i'm always afraid of that; perhaps paranoically so. (...is that a word? well it is now.)
and no matter how much you think you can perceive there will always be things you don't know about people.
i wonder at how this blog makes me seem...
it says so much and yet nothing.
hmm.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
SNIKT! <- a hard to pronounce onomatopoeia.
in reading wolverine's 'origin' series from 2001...
it makes sense why he's so short now.
maybe not why he's that short.
...and then this afternoon dreaming that i discovered i was like wolverine.
and jerkface was the only one i thought made sense to go to.
...
okay then.
i considered how he'd be trustworthy and level headed enough if i was, say, a mutant with claws coming out of my hands and a self-healing complex.
SNIKT!
i daresay the disparity of said situation would beg my foolish mind to put aside its differences.
Still, the dream was quite odd...
And somehow his girlfriend showed up and thought I was some monster. she knew who i was and that made her think worse of me. She hated me and was frightened, wanted him to do something but he was caught up in wanting to do what she said and betraying my trust by telling someone or making himself look good by trying to get rid of me himself...
or try to help a friend and keep my secret.
...odd.
Surprisingly the oddest part of the dream was not having claws like wolverine.
Or how natural it felt to suddenly realize how swift and strong I was.
it was how natural it was to ask him for help.
hmm.
my subconscious really still thinks of him as a friend, doesn't it?
i suppose in all reality this is a good thing.
then again, it apparently would take me learning that i'm a mutant to be friends with him again.
Hey Lord, i'm up for that!
...
okay, not happening, right?
besides, wolverine has a nasty temper.
sometimes.
however generally for the right reason
...depending on the comic.
...and the memory loss would be rather frustrating.
it makes sense why he's so short now.
maybe not why he's that short.
...and then this afternoon dreaming that i discovered i was like wolverine.
and jerkface was the only one i thought made sense to go to.
...
okay then.
i considered how he'd be trustworthy and level headed enough if i was, say, a mutant with claws coming out of my hands and a self-healing complex.
SNIKT!
i daresay the disparity of said situation would beg my foolish mind to put aside its differences.
Still, the dream was quite odd...
And somehow his girlfriend showed up and thought I was some monster. she knew who i was and that made her think worse of me. She hated me and was frightened, wanted him to do something but he was caught up in wanting to do what she said and betraying my trust by telling someone or making himself look good by trying to get rid of me himself...
or try to help a friend and keep my secret.
...odd.
Surprisingly the oddest part of the dream was not having claws like wolverine.
Or how natural it felt to suddenly realize how swift and strong I was.
it was how natural it was to ask him for help.
hmm.
my subconscious really still thinks of him as a friend, doesn't it?
i suppose in all reality this is a good thing.
then again, it apparently would take me learning that i'm a mutant to be friends with him again.
Hey Lord, i'm up for that!
...
okay, not happening, right?
besides, wolverine has a nasty temper.
sometimes.
however generally for the right reason
...depending on the comic.
...and the memory loss would be rather frustrating.
Monday, September 12, 2011
a lack of profoundness yet plenty of similes.
humans are too much like houses.
if you don't open the windows the air inside gets stuffy.
then again humans are also like grass and trees...
without rain they dry up and start cracking under the weight of it all.
humans are also too much like nature.
if you hide inside all day you won't live as much.
if you don't open the windows the air inside gets stuffy.
then again humans are also like grass and trees...
without rain they dry up and start cracking under the weight of it all.
humans are also too much like nature.
if you hide inside all day you won't live as much.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
synonomous
it's easy to see how people are drawn to Marvel characters, i.e. spider-man and captain america.
weak, pushed around, but good people.
i quite like how they re-formed Captain America in the new movie; the original from 1941 lacked a character. sure Rogers was a weak kid that wasn't accepted into the army, but in the original comic that's all we knew.
a few pages in we're at a lab where we get our first glance at evans.
Timely Comics did give us an admirable hero during WWII, but i'm thankful Marvel gave us more story behind Spider-man.
...however the original Timely writing reminds me of early Iron-Man and they're 20 years apart!
i love what marvel has done to the story, the reasons, the explanations...
i suppose that Spider-man and Captain America would be my favorite, i love Spider-man in the comics and in the movie you can't beat Steve's character.
...
I just realized that even with the limited Captain America experience i've had that i somehow knew what his character would be like.
then again, when one's character is so like your own you tend to see that.
i find it interesting how super-heroes find the desire to do good in all of us.
however is it wanting to do good for your own selfish gain?
or is it just...
ingrained into your system that some people need help and protected?
in many marvel comics you see how some people start wanting to help but they just want fame and turn sour.
then there are people...
like me...
that when they feel the most pain the wish that they could take the pain of others; just let the pain be heaped on them and take it for everyone.
...but that's not possible.
and aside from that, everyone needs to learn from their own pain. if one person took the pain of everyone the degree of life in any would be lessened.
i suppose i love comics because you can see all of the aspects of humanity played out to its extremes.
you see characters struggle with their own human nature.
and even though they're fighting to save lives including their own you can understand the battle.
i find this whole 'desire to do good' thing intriguing.
in thinking of all the people that i've observed and met throughout the years, it seems that a true unmarred desire can be marred much to often.
when a teenage girl helps a child are they doing it to help or is it the motherly instinct or an infatuation with the cuteness of the kid?
i've seen instances where i'd argue the last two options.
(yet i never know what's going on inside...)
do some people want to be pastors because God instilled in them the wish to help others understand, or to stand up in front of people and talk about their own ideas about God? to hear people say how great their sermon was or to learn more about God themselves and help others along the way?
i've met pastors where selfish motives fuel them... but i won't get into that mess, that was years ago.
when we see super-hero movies where people put their lives in danger for others, where the drive to protect fuels them...
do we wish that we could fly through the air?
do we wish we were that strong?
do we wish we were given awards and honor?
do we wish that we could save people?
...or are we simply wistfully looking at a person we could never be?
that we know our own faults and know we're not capable of it?
not capable of the mindset that drives them?
super-heroes have their own faults...
their own motives may not be pure.
...Ayn Rand thinks that the only pure motive is selfishness.
promoting your own right to happiness and caring for yourself.
in many cases of her ideology this includes relationships between people; Howard wasn't wrong to rape Dominique; he was within his rights.
...of course, then they go on to have a long drawn out love affair.
...i would say that the only pure motive is being true to yourself.
for me at least.
then again, just because you motive is pure does not mean that your action is.
(i.e. Howard Roark. the action was true to his character and ideology but in my eyes it still wasn't right.)
God made me in such a way that as long as i'm true to how He made me that whatever i do with the purest of motives is directly linked to my character at the core.
but because being true to who you are appears to be the purest motive to me, does that mean the people that preach to be heard and those that help others to make themselves look better have motives that aren't pure?
are they being true to themselves?
if they are, then by my personal standards that's a pure motive.
yet somehow i find it not right.
at that i wonder...
then again as i said; just because the motive is pure does not mean the action is.
and i suppose i should explain my meaning of pure.
...eventually.
and of course just because one thing applies to one person does not mean it applies to others.
if a person's response to something is running away, then is it bad that he does that instead of standing tall and protecting?
...this is where we see the core of one human differ from another.
one scene in the movie yesterday struck me; when the person in charge of training throws a dud grenade into the middle of the trainees and he tells them all to run away.
they do.
steve doesn't.
he throws himself on top of it.
trying to take the pain so others don't have to.
the core of steve rogers was different.
i have said i would take all the pain so other wouldn't have to; seeing a demonstration on screen of that by way of taking physical pain or death made me wonder if i would ever feel the same with physical pain.
then again there have been situations where i'm the strong one that others rely on...
ha, i recall the first date i ever went on.
it was with jerkface, of course.
(and yes. yes it does go against my character to call someone that. i think.
*thinks*
yes. yes it does. dangit...)
and he said that he'd always wanted the cliche someone hops out and he has to try to protect me kind of thing to happen.
well.
as i mentioned then...
i would fight back aswell.
and i feel compelled to protect people.
would i if push came to shove?
i'm not sure.
it's like that SWAT team person said my freshman year of high school in health class.
he singled me out.
because while the rest of the class had helpless gazelle type looks...
that i looked like i'd fight back.
hmm.
i've always wondered at that.
would i?
could i?
then again, logic would say that if it was just me and there was an opportunity, then i'd run.
why fight if i can leave?
but if someone else was there...
well, they would need me.
Lord, You created me weird.
but this isn't the marvel universe.
...so i'd probably be knocked out or bleed to death if anything happened.
okay no, the person would have a lot of bruises and gashes to go with it.
...and then i'd be knocked out.
EDIT:
great scot, that whole last post and i forgot the most crucial part:
to know weakness is to know strength.
that's something Steve Rogers knew.
you cannot have true strength without knowledge of weakness...
in my eyes, leastways.
i found that theme to resonate quite a bit within me.
weak, pushed around, but good people.
i quite like how they re-formed Captain America in the new movie; the original from 1941 lacked a character. sure Rogers was a weak kid that wasn't accepted into the army, but in the original comic that's all we knew.
a few pages in we're at a lab where we get our first glance at evans.
Timely Comics did give us an admirable hero during WWII, but i'm thankful Marvel gave us more story behind Spider-man.
...however the original Timely writing reminds me of early Iron-Man and they're 20 years apart!
i love what marvel has done to the story, the reasons, the explanations...
i suppose that Spider-man and Captain America would be my favorite, i love Spider-man in the comics and in the movie you can't beat Steve's character.
...
I just realized that even with the limited Captain America experience i've had that i somehow knew what his character would be like.
then again, when one's character is so like your own you tend to see that.
i find it interesting how super-heroes find the desire to do good in all of us.
however is it wanting to do good for your own selfish gain?
or is it just...
ingrained into your system that some people need help and protected?
in many marvel comics you see how some people start wanting to help but they just want fame and turn sour.
then there are people...
like me...
that when they feel the most pain the wish that they could take the pain of others; just let the pain be heaped on them and take it for everyone.
...but that's not possible.
and aside from that, everyone needs to learn from their own pain. if one person took the pain of everyone the degree of life in any would be lessened.
i suppose i love comics because you can see all of the aspects of humanity played out to its extremes.
you see characters struggle with their own human nature.
and even though they're fighting to save lives including their own you can understand the battle.
i find this whole 'desire to do good' thing intriguing.
in thinking of all the people that i've observed and met throughout the years, it seems that a true unmarred desire can be marred much to often.
when a teenage girl helps a child are they doing it to help or is it the motherly instinct or an infatuation with the cuteness of the kid?
i've seen instances where i'd argue the last two options.
(yet i never know what's going on inside...)
do some people want to be pastors because God instilled in them the wish to help others understand, or to stand up in front of people and talk about their own ideas about God? to hear people say how great their sermon was or to learn more about God themselves and help others along the way?
i've met pastors where selfish motives fuel them... but i won't get into that mess, that was years ago.
when we see super-hero movies where people put their lives in danger for others, where the drive to protect fuels them...
do we wish that we could fly through the air?
do we wish we were that strong?
do we wish we were given awards and honor?
do we wish that we could save people?
...or are we simply wistfully looking at a person we could never be?
that we know our own faults and know we're not capable of it?
not capable of the mindset that drives them?
super-heroes have their own faults...
their own motives may not be pure.
...Ayn Rand thinks that the only pure motive is selfishness.
promoting your own right to happiness and caring for yourself.
in many cases of her ideology this includes relationships between people; Howard wasn't wrong to rape Dominique; he was within his rights.
...of course, then they go on to have a long drawn out love affair.
...i would say that the only pure motive is being true to yourself.
for me at least.
then again, just because you motive is pure does not mean that your action is.
(i.e. Howard Roark. the action was true to his character and ideology but in my eyes it still wasn't right.)
God made me in such a way that as long as i'm true to how He made me that whatever i do with the purest of motives is directly linked to my character at the core.
but because being true to who you are appears to be the purest motive to me, does that mean the people that preach to be heard and those that help others to make themselves look better have motives that aren't pure?
are they being true to themselves?
if they are, then by my personal standards that's a pure motive.
yet somehow i find it not right.
at that i wonder...
then again as i said; just because the motive is pure does not mean the action is.
and i suppose i should explain my meaning of pure.
...eventually.
and of course just because one thing applies to one person does not mean it applies to others.
if a person's response to something is running away, then is it bad that he does that instead of standing tall and protecting?
...this is where we see the core of one human differ from another.
one scene in the movie yesterday struck me; when the person in charge of training throws a dud grenade into the middle of the trainees and he tells them all to run away.
they do.
steve doesn't.
he throws himself on top of it.
trying to take the pain so others don't have to.
the core of steve rogers was different.
i have said i would take all the pain so other wouldn't have to; seeing a demonstration on screen of that by way of taking physical pain or death made me wonder if i would ever feel the same with physical pain.
then again there have been situations where i'm the strong one that others rely on...
ha, i recall the first date i ever went on.
it was with jerkface, of course.
(and yes. yes it does go against my character to call someone that. i think.
*thinks*
yes. yes it does. dangit...)
and he said that he'd always wanted the cliche someone hops out and he has to try to protect me kind of thing to happen.
well.
as i mentioned then...
i would fight back aswell.
and i feel compelled to protect people.
would i if push came to shove?
i'm not sure.
it's like that SWAT team person said my freshman year of high school in health class.
he singled me out.
because while the rest of the class had helpless gazelle type looks...
that i looked like i'd fight back.
hmm.
i've always wondered at that.
would i?
could i?
then again, logic would say that if it was just me and there was an opportunity, then i'd run.
why fight if i can leave?
but if someone else was there...
well, they would need me.
Lord, You created me weird.
but this isn't the marvel universe.
...so i'd probably be knocked out or bleed to death if anything happened.
okay no, the person would have a lot of bruises and gashes to go with it.
...and then i'd be knocked out.
EDIT:
great scot, that whole last post and i forgot the most crucial part:
to know weakness is to know strength.
that's something Steve Rogers knew.
you cannot have true strength without knowledge of weakness...
in my eyes, leastways.
i found that theme to resonate quite a bit within me.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
so what would you say...
if i said that i love to dance/run around the house when i'm by myself and that i enjoy looking at my leg muscles flexing and working in the mirror and in the reflection of the television as i do?
i feel as if i'm becoming monotone...?
i'm 20.
turned that ten minutes ago, 12:13am.
another year older and not a teenager...
whatever that entails.
i've grown so much in the past four years, five years really...
i don't think that many people realize what a new person i am.
i've lived for 20 years; been an 'old soul' and seen straight through people and cut through lies that were said about me from a very young age.
...but i never lived outwardly.
in my own company i am free to do whatever, i'll just laugh and say 'did You see that Lord!?! so crazy!' when i do something awkward or silly... You hear me out and don't assume, You just know...
i was close to really trusting one person but then he ruined it for everyone.
okay, maybe not everyone, but for him.
and i'm also to blame.
*random
assumption is the most dangerous thing in the human race it seems.
uncertainty is also dangerous, but at least it's cautious and requires fact.
all assumption requires is an impression or two with no regard to what's underneath.
one phrase from an introvert could mean so much, get the context.
what's the person like, what else do they think, etc...
while i'm on a birthday spree, here's what my mom and grandma posted about me:
Today is my last day to be the mother of a teenager. :`( My daughter has turned out even better than I could have ever hoped and prayed for. It has been an honor and blessing to be her mother and I thank God for her. She is a beautiful, talented, and independent woman of God and I am proud of her. Lindsay, enjoy your last day as a teenager!
...apparently there are a few people that would describe me as a 'woman of God'
'woman'
...
how weird is that...
just yesterday i was 16 and trying to straighten my thoughts out on this blog.
now i'm a 'woman'
...?
?!?!?!
and my grandma:
Today is my granddaughter, Lindsay's last day as a teenager. Tomorrow she will have the only BD she will ever have on 9-10-11. She will turn 20 tomorrow. I'm so proud of her, she is beautiful, smart and Jesus is her savior. She puts GOD #1 in her life. What more could you ask of a granddaughter. ♥♥♥♥♥
i think that it's important for anyone that even barely knows me to have the knowledge that while i may be alone, i may feel lonely, i may feel that people forget my existence and never think to ask me to hang out...
i am loved, i know.
suppose i should go to sleep, now that i'm an ancient adult and...
not a teenager?
great scot, life, what have you gotten me into and where are you taking me...
turned that ten minutes ago, 12:13am.
another year older and not a teenager...
whatever that entails.
i've grown so much in the past four years, five years really...
i don't think that many people realize what a new person i am.
i've lived for 20 years; been an 'old soul' and seen straight through people and cut through lies that were said about me from a very young age.
...but i never lived outwardly.
in my own company i am free to do whatever, i'll just laugh and say 'did You see that Lord!?! so crazy!' when i do something awkward or silly... You hear me out and don't assume, You just know...
i was close to really trusting one person but then he ruined it for everyone.
okay, maybe not everyone, but for him.
and i'm also to blame.
*random
assumption is the most dangerous thing in the human race it seems.
uncertainty is also dangerous, but at least it's cautious and requires fact.
all assumption requires is an impression or two with no regard to what's underneath.
one phrase from an introvert could mean so much, get the context.
what's the person like, what else do they think, etc...
while i'm on a birthday spree, here's what my mom and grandma posted about me:
Today is my last day to be the mother of a teenager. :`( My daughter has turned out even better than I could have ever hoped and prayed for. It has been an honor and blessing to be her mother and I thank God for her. She is a beautiful, talented, and independent woman of God and I am proud of her. Lindsay, enjoy your last day as a teenager!
...apparently there are a few people that would describe me as a 'woman of God'
'woman'
...
how weird is that...
just yesterday i was 16 and trying to straighten my thoughts out on this blog.
now i'm a 'woman'
...?
?!?!?!
and my grandma:
Today is my granddaughter, Lindsay's last day as a teenager. Tomorrow she will have the only BD she will ever have on 9-10-11. She will turn 20 tomorrow. I'm so proud of her, she is beautiful, smart and Jesus is her savior. She puts GOD #1 in her life. What more could you ask of a granddaughter. ♥♥♥♥♥
i think that it's important for anyone that even barely knows me to have the knowledge that while i may be alone, i may feel lonely, i may feel that people forget my existence and never think to ask me to hang out...
i am loved, i know.
suppose i should go to sleep, now that i'm an ancient adult and...
not a teenager?
great scot, life, what have you gotten me into and where are you taking me...
Friday, September 9, 2011
trying not to get lost in the breeze...
it's almost mournful to see the once green veins begin to bleed red as i touch the leaves of trees while i walk by...
you can feel a lot of life that way.
you can feel a lot of life that way.
one a.m. and tired i am.
you know, it would be nice to have someone to look up to...
i suppose i'm thinking of how most people look up to others because of how perfect they seem.
their parents that can do no wrong, when a child is younger.
their parents that helped them be who they are, when the child is grown up.
but other than that...
mother theresa?
gandhi?
the president?
a famous writer?
ayn rand?
we choose people that we want to be just like...
perfect in our own eyes;
or at least that's the route many take...
the people that i've looked up to in life...
one married his girlfriend at 15 because they were pregnant.
another isn't a Christian. (and the K-LOVE listeners say *GASP!*)
one has made, and continues to make, bad decisions.
i don't tend to gravitate towards people that have long inspirational stories.
no words that bring tears to the eyes of people everywhere...
no, some of them sit around and drink beer with their friends on the weekend.
no platform or audience for them; their stories are told at the archery shed while waiting for campers to come.
sitting in the back of a truck at 1am.
at a marble show where you see people once or twice a year.
meeting some person randomly at the store...
i suppose i'm picky about who i look up to...
and Lord, You're the only One that's perfect out of them.
of course there's no comparing...
but there's a difference.
i also find it interesting that these people, even if they hardly know me, they care about me greatly.
they can't comprehend anyone not liking me...
it does happen.
i accept when some people don't like me, they just don't know me or maybe i was just having an off day. perhaps they just don't like me. perhaps as one person said to me that they like me too much... or perhaps i convict them of something they're avoiding.
but i suppose after so many years of people not liking you... you tend to grow apathetic towards it. you certainly want to know why and wonder if they just got the wrong assessment...
...and i still think that i would have liked an older brother.
because while i have several people that i kind of look up to...
it's not the same.
guess i wanted someone to lookout for me, see me downcast and think 'where is he? i'll punch his lights out!' but not actually do it.
anyhow.
i suppose i'm thinking of how most people look up to others because of how perfect they seem.
their parents that can do no wrong, when a child is younger.
their parents that helped them be who they are, when the child is grown up.
but other than that...
mother theresa?
gandhi?
the president?
a famous writer?
ayn rand?
we choose people that we want to be just like...
perfect in our own eyes;
or at least that's the route many take...
the people that i've looked up to in life...
one married his girlfriend at 15 because they were pregnant.
another isn't a Christian. (and the K-LOVE listeners say *GASP!*)
one has made, and continues to make, bad decisions.
i don't tend to gravitate towards people that have long inspirational stories.
no words that bring tears to the eyes of people everywhere...
no, some of them sit around and drink beer with their friends on the weekend.
no platform or audience for them; their stories are told at the archery shed while waiting for campers to come.
sitting in the back of a truck at 1am.
at a marble show where you see people once or twice a year.
meeting some person randomly at the store...
i suppose i'm picky about who i look up to...
and Lord, You're the only One that's perfect out of them.
of course there's no comparing...
but there's a difference.
i also find it interesting that these people, even if they hardly know me, they care about me greatly.
they can't comprehend anyone not liking me...
it does happen.
i accept when some people don't like me, they just don't know me or maybe i was just having an off day. perhaps they just don't like me. perhaps as one person said to me that they like me too much... or perhaps i convict them of something they're avoiding.
but i suppose after so many years of people not liking you... you tend to grow apathetic towards it. you certainly want to know why and wonder if they just got the wrong assessment...
...and i still think that i would have liked an older brother.
because while i have several people that i kind of look up to...
it's not the same.
guess i wanted someone to lookout for me, see me downcast and think 'where is he? i'll punch his lights out!' but not actually do it.
anyhow.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
i however have not inherited one million dollars...
i've met a lot of people like this in my day...
ha, 'in my day'
but in all reality i have...
i hope to meet many more.
for some reason they think so highly of me...
for some reason i always knew they...
would find him fake.
i guess i saw potential.
he however would portray himself, with arrogance, as the best there ever was.
and i hope he realizes that people still think he does.
Lord, i've met so many people like that old man in the bar.
i'm not sure why they think so much of me...
i suppose when you've been around as much as they you know when you've met someone different...?
i'm not sure...
but i pray that i meet many more people like them.
ha, 'in my day'
but in all reality i have...
i hope to meet many more.
for some reason they think so highly of me...
for some reason i always knew they...
would find him fake.
i guess i saw potential.
he however would portray himself, with arrogance, as the best there ever was.
and i hope he realizes that people still think he does.
Lord, i've met so many people like that old man in the bar.
i'm not sure why they think so much of me...
i suppose when you've been around as much as they you know when you've met someone different...?
i'm not sure...
but i pray that i meet many more people like them.
you know, it's truly not me to dislike people.
strikes me at the core as wrong,
or at the very least makes me uncomfortable.
It's remarkable how everyone has something to offer you; some friendship, some love, some the ability to better yourself, some to gain a new skill, some just to listen...
i suppose you never know.
...or even worse, you do know, but move forward anyway.
strikes me at the core as wrong,
or at the very least makes me uncomfortable.
It's remarkable how everyone has something to offer you; some friendship, some love, some the ability to better yourself, some to gain a new skill, some just to listen...
i suppose you never know.
...or even worse, you do know, but move forward anyway.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
falling into the arms of dreams...
settling into bed with a smile on my face, hearing the crickets outside and feeling the fresh air pouring from my window...
yes please.
yes please.
a lack of focus... aka don't expect real thought or a point.
random:
in interpersonal comm we had discussion groups last friday; today we sat outside to discuss what preconceptions we had or what we thought of others after our discussions.
one of the perceptions another person had was that i didn't have may or any close friends and thought 'whatever, i'm cool on my own!' but afterwards she thought i actually had some loneliness or that it at least sounded lonely
i suppose i do yet i'm apathetic to how often i'm alone; i enjoy it yet that's all i know. in all reality there are plenty of people that are on their own more than i.
suppose that i'm either at camp and have no time to myself or anywhere else and am by myself unless i'm in class... except for the odd hour or so a week i may be hanging out with someone in my room...
which hasn't happened in over a week...
hmm.
random:
in third grade since my reading level was higher then the other kids they would pull out these cards for me. old, old reading system... each level was a different color as there were several cards/folders per level. they had a story on the front and the middle of the folder and questions on the back...
i came to one, something about a pocket knife, and i couldn't find an answer.
i asked someone and they said something to the tune of 'it's so simple and you're so smart, how do you not know where it is?'
and didn't help me.
no one helped me.
they couldn't believe i didn't see the answer.
and i was clueless.
simple little thing.
but i felt so stupid over it all that my little-girl mind had me start crying to myself.
i didn't do those exercises again; i loved them and thought they were fun but i just read the story-books or 50 page chapter books like everyone else. (and then when we were done i'd pull out the 300 page novel i had been reading...)
i suppose teachers just blankly looking at me expecting me to get it and me feeling that i failed them got to me.
other random:
when i was in first or second grade my old pastor's family would take care of me after school, even into third grade which i think is when this was...
one day their daughter was all upset and she was telling me how someone at lunch had called her something and it made her start crying; i asked her why she cried and she said that she was 'soft hearted'
i recall her saying it like she had already discussed it with her mom and was repeating what was said (something many, many children are guilty of... i used to do it and cringe now to think i was my mother's parrot from time to time. but kids can be stupid... i remember even when i was in kindergarten thinking 'but wait, that's not what i think...' as i said such things)
i remember that i just couldn't understand another person making you cry.
i could understand your own incompetence making you tear up...
the inability to understand, to know, to not live up to what you're supposed to.
i suppose at that age i didn't understand showing emotions in front of others; didn't understand others getting to you even though the tension in what was expected of me, the oxymoron of worthless and smart, was building.
i find it odd that opinions bothering someone was so uncomprehendable at the time...
suppose i lived so internally...
and so little externally...
that it's no wonder.
random:
i want to be outside so badly right now...
but i need to accomplish things in here...
and haven't really anyone to go sit outside with.
and nothing to do outside to give me a purpose to be there.
...darn you acute introvertism...
in interpersonal comm we had discussion groups last friday; today we sat outside to discuss what preconceptions we had or what we thought of others after our discussions.
one of the perceptions another person had was that i didn't have may or any close friends and thought 'whatever, i'm cool on my own!' but afterwards she thought i actually had some loneliness or that it at least sounded lonely
i suppose i do yet i'm apathetic to how often i'm alone; i enjoy it yet that's all i know. in all reality there are plenty of people that are on their own more than i.
suppose that i'm either at camp and have no time to myself or anywhere else and am by myself unless i'm in class... except for the odd hour or so a week i may be hanging out with someone in my room...
which hasn't happened in over a week...
hmm.
random:
in third grade since my reading level was higher then the other kids they would pull out these cards for me. old, old reading system... each level was a different color as there were several cards/folders per level. they had a story on the front and the middle of the folder and questions on the back...
i came to one, something about a pocket knife, and i couldn't find an answer.
i asked someone and they said something to the tune of 'it's so simple and you're so smart, how do you not know where it is?'
and didn't help me.
no one helped me.
they couldn't believe i didn't see the answer.
and i was clueless.
simple little thing.
but i felt so stupid over it all that my little-girl mind had me start crying to myself.
i didn't do those exercises again; i loved them and thought they were fun but i just read the story-books or 50 page chapter books like everyone else. (and then when we were done i'd pull out the 300 page novel i had been reading...)
i suppose teachers just blankly looking at me expecting me to get it and me feeling that i failed them got to me.
other random:
when i was in first or second grade my old pastor's family would take care of me after school, even into third grade which i think is when this was...
one day their daughter was all upset and she was telling me how someone at lunch had called her something and it made her start crying; i asked her why she cried and she said that she was 'soft hearted'
i recall her saying it like she had already discussed it with her mom and was repeating what was said (something many, many children are guilty of... i used to do it and cringe now to think i was my mother's parrot from time to time. but kids can be stupid... i remember even when i was in kindergarten thinking 'but wait, that's not what i think...' as i said such things)
i remember that i just couldn't understand another person making you cry.
i could understand your own incompetence making you tear up...
the inability to understand, to know, to not live up to what you're supposed to.
i suppose at that age i didn't understand showing emotions in front of others; didn't understand others getting to you even though the tension in what was expected of me, the oxymoron of worthless and smart, was building.
i find it odd that opinions bothering someone was so uncomprehendable at the time...
suppose i lived so internally...
and so little externally...
that it's no wonder.
random:
i want to be outside so badly right now...
but i need to accomplish things in here...
and haven't really anyone to go sit outside with.
and nothing to do outside to give me a purpose to be there.
...darn you acute introvertism...
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