random:
in interpersonal comm we had discussion groups last friday; today we sat outside to discuss what preconceptions we had or what we thought of others after our discussions.
one of the perceptions another person had was that i didn't have may or any close friends and thought 'whatever, i'm cool on my own!' but afterwards she thought i actually had some loneliness or that it at least sounded lonely
i suppose i do yet i'm apathetic to how often i'm alone; i enjoy it yet that's all i know. in all reality there are plenty of people that are on their own more than i.
suppose that i'm either at camp and have no time to myself or anywhere else and am by myself unless i'm in class... except for the odd hour or so a week i may be hanging out with someone in my room...
which hasn't happened in over a week...
hmm.
random:
in third grade since my reading level was higher then the other kids they would pull out these cards for me. old, old reading system... each level was a different color as there were several cards/folders per level. they had a story on the front and the middle of the folder and questions on the back...
i came to one, something about a pocket knife, and i couldn't find an answer.
i asked someone and they said something to the tune of 'it's so simple and you're so smart, how do you not know where it is?'
and didn't help me.
no one helped me.
they couldn't believe i didn't see the answer.
and i was clueless.
simple little thing.
but i felt so stupid over it all that my little-girl mind had me start crying to myself.
i didn't do those exercises again; i loved them and thought they were fun but i just read the story-books or 50 page chapter books like everyone else. (and then when we were done i'd pull out the 300 page novel i had been reading...)
i suppose teachers just blankly looking at me expecting me to get it and me feeling that i failed them got to me.
other random:
when i was in first or second grade my old pastor's family would take care of me after school, even into third grade which i think is when this was...
one day their daughter was all upset and she was telling me how someone at lunch had called her something and it made her start crying; i asked her why she cried and she said that she was 'soft hearted'
i recall her saying it like she had already discussed it with her mom and was repeating what was said (something many, many children are guilty of... i used to do it and cringe now to think i was my mother's parrot from time to time. but kids can be stupid... i remember even when i was in kindergarten thinking 'but wait, that's not what i think...' as i said such things)
i remember that i just couldn't understand another person making you cry.
i could understand your own incompetence making you tear up...
the inability to understand, to know, to not live up to what you're supposed to.
i suppose at that age i didn't understand showing emotions in front of others; didn't understand others getting to you even though the tension in what was expected of me, the oxymoron of worthless and smart, was building.
i find it odd that opinions bothering someone was so uncomprehendable at the time...
suppose i lived so internally...
and so little externally...
that it's no wonder.
random:
i want to be outside so badly right now...
but i need to accomplish things in here...
and haven't really anyone to go sit outside with.
and nothing to do outside to give me a purpose to be there.
...darn you acute introvertism...
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