perhaps if i had a net i would be able to catch the thoughts as they left my mind...

seeing some of my favorite people was wonderful...
apparently all summer the old site director has been saying 'i need to see Lindsay, Lindsay's my girl!'
^_^
i got the invitation text and literally danced all over the cabin when he said that he missed me and hoped i could make it. he thanked me for helping with 'his' camp...
and mentioned that he didn't miss the 'bs' of the conference.
don't blame him there.


...'conference' people remind me of the guy i dated.
and to me he now seems profusely shallow and arrogant.
not seems, is.
but what can i say, he's a murderer and i was an accessory in the crime.
assisting in my own murder, so was this an assisted suicide or was it...
no, i'm guilty of involuntary self-manslaughter.
stupid of me regardless.
yeah, this year will be a bed of roses.


...curious how a 'bed of roses' is supposed to be a good thing.
sounds painful.
perhaps it implies only the petals...?
yet petals are never attained without the thorns.


...that metaphor has nothing to do with the following random topic.




random:
the people that were invited to the fish fry (new site director, wranglers, two cooks, lifeguard, office help, i was the only counselor) were all worried about me...
...because they didn't know how i'd react if he drank, which he did. and his brother. and his nephew. and the current site director did. and the wrangler that was my first counselor did. 
in all reality, i didn't mind.
james had mentioned it to me while we were at walmart (at that time he said he probably wouldn't drink. suppose he was still nervous about me being there?) 
my replay was simply that i know and accept that some people i admire and look up to drink.
it's not my life or my decision for them; just because i plan on never drinking doesn't mean people can't do that around me.
just please don't get wasted around me.
which no one did.
i enjoyed just sitting around, talking...


and on the upside; one of the wrangler's bourbon and sierra mist mixes was a great idea because then i had sierra mist.
straight up sierra mist; no one but me was tough enough to take that!


once most everyone was gone we started talking more camp...
about the program director that puts on a show and other such things...
apparently i'm not the only one to notice the 'conference' people are different...
i found it uncanny that many had the same terminology as i did when describing the situation.




random:
i think that when i mentioned today to mom that some people were drinking there that she grew as a parent...
later in the day she said that it was fine if i hung out with people like that; the people i was with were trustworthy enough to have designated drivers to get the people that were drinking back to camp, it was fine.
at first i think she was startled but saw nothing wrong with it; later she accepted it.




other random:
whenever they cussed and remembered that i was there they apologized...
mom never ever does that.
they did.
hmm.
it was odd to hear 'sorry linds' after someone said something; i appreciated the apology but wondered about the reasons behind it...
at anyrate, that began a discussion about one of the wranglers just wanting to hear me cut loose and cuss up a storm.
...mmm, no.
haha, it was fun last night...
discussing the propane tank and fires...
fishing...
life...


miss those people.
i was out until one, didn't get in until two-ish.


random:
this week i've been thinking about how i'm finally finishing the foundations of myself.
finished rebuilding.
within reason of course...
you never finish building.
yet listening to alabama blaring from my ipod as i cleaned up the camp from my second summer of work, a camp that i first went to as an invisible and worthless kid... it just comes full circle.
haha, listening to so much country the past two days reminds me of going to hockey games with dad... back before he started listening to kutless and whatnot.
i miss those days...
yet at the same time i don't...


...it really was full circle wasn't it...
isn't it...

a pleasant ending to a crazy summer...

being with some of my favorite people that i haven't seen all summer from 7pm-1am?
yes please.

i should be asleep.

random:
as i was putting my goggles on to swim a volunteer (head of the camping board and high up in the denomination i think, we had talked a bit about various Bible things) commented on me looking like a professional with those kind of goggles and asked if i swam in competition. i replied that i wish i did, i just had horrible sight and didn't want to swim without my contacts but they fell out if they were splashed, i repeated that i just didn't have good vision.
'ah, but far-reaching insight!'
i smiled in an odd way before speaking...
'i can only hope.'

if only he really was my big brother...

lindsay 'the assasin' back from another week of water basketball.
okay. 
so we didn't play much basketball yet the nickname 'the assasin' for how i play bball in a pool was quite amusing to me.


long week...
keeping track of 15 boys and 4 girls with only one other counselor was insane. 
but doable.
just tiring.
however hearing some of the kids that get in trouble and have to be watched say 'lindsay, won't you please sit with me at lunch if there's an open seat?!' and to see that the boys at the table each had something piled onto one place setting to save it for me made it worth it.
haha, seeing the campers smile makes it worth it.


i do however feel bad when i take over other camps...
umm...
i know the campers love me, but please refrain from saying that i'm the best counselor ever when your own counselor is right there... especially when you've known me for a day and are already begging for me to be your counselor next year...


maybe the other counselor's don't mind but i would think it would kind of...
well...
i wouldn't want to hear my campers saying it.


i think that today i finally realized the change that has happened in the past four years; i finally have learned to live without feeling worthless.
without apologizing for my existence.
yes i still and will do that from time to time; however it is not a foundation any longer...


*sigh*
one week of camp left.


one week?


great scot.


*sigh*


camp is, was, a constant.
but in all reality...
constants change.
my two favorite people are gone.
that hit me hard this past week...
he still doesn't have a job, thinking of him jobless just hurts...
campers grow up.
favorite trees fall down.
have i mentioned that campers grow up?
and that my two favorite people are gone?


well Lord, seems to me that all i can rely on is the sun rising in the morning, my eyes laughing at me in the mirror, and Orion being my big brother.
You are a given there; I don't feel that I take you for granted yet perhaps i do not acknowledge your hold on me as much as i feel that I should.
then again i don't want to be like those people that when i list those things like 'the sun rising in the morning' they will add 'and God's redeeming grace.'


...


i suppose they don't realize i'm only half talking to them.
or how many time i've discussed the matter with You.
not sure why people like that just aren't my kind of people... 
it's like...
i don't know, i describe the air i breathe in and rely on (so many metaphors!!) with You in mind Lord, i walk with You and You're my closest friend; when people talk to and about you as if You're not in the room i suppose i feel odd.
even while a lot of churches pray i feel like they're calling You down; i just sit there...
...talk to You...
...and feel odd as they tug the robe of the Person sitting in the pew next to me.


I suppose i'm like the book of Ester; You're not professed by name constantly but Your finger prints are all over me...


and i like it that way.


haha, even if people seldom catch my metaphors.
there are so many, so many indeed. not always intentional but often a metaphor adds such depth...
why say one thing when you can say it all?


other random:
we had two over-weight brothers this week.
we also had a bully, son of one of a pastor that was volunteering this past week in another camp.
i may have eavesdropped on the conversation the older brother had with his younger brother; of how he had caught two nice fish that morning while the person making fun of them hadn't caught anything. things work out and bad behavior isn't rewarded. 
i suppose just how he looked out for his younger brother impressed me.
his reaction to everything; my camp's reaction to it all.


yet still.
the 'bully' kid wasn't liked at all because of what he was doing.
i talked to his dad about it all after the other counselor brought it up to him; he knows how his son works quite well it seems.
i wonder at the existence of someone like that...
no one likes him for it; is he so insecure that he has to do that to make himself feel better?


hmm.
i've had this particular camper for a while.
my bet is on wanting attention and then in turn needing to feel better because he doesn't get it by the methods he has tried.


-hours later-
so tired.


Lord, porch swing and a nice large yard in the country to survey?
please?

three days' time and a week of overgrown memories

-ramblings from friday-
well that was an interesting week.


highlight: one of the mares starting to lactate (means a foal is coming in less than a week)


big surprise considering we only have gelded males, however it's a possibility...
...but it was a false pregnancy.
too bad, our site manager went around all morning with a ridiculous grin on his face, he was a bit downcast after the vet visited and checked her out. with as overloaded as he's probably feeling a new foal would be a wonderful surprise to brighten up summer...




low:
great scot, that was the most homesick camper ever...
so terrible, but she was acting normal by the end of the week, she really wasn't herself.
wonderful kid, yet crying constantly and refusing to do anything was ridiculous. she craved attention; the only thing that helped was to ignore it. of course i felt like a had no heart at all; i made another counselor check my pulse just to make sure i still had a heart.


other low:
it's remarkable that you do one simple thing wrong and feel sick for hours afterwards.
i'd seen the program director cart kids around in the golf cart like that; numerous other people aswell. i knew it was a two seater yet i thought someone sitting on the back with their feet in the tub and sitting on the back side was as safe as if there had been a seat.
...but i got talked to because of it.
when you almost never do anything wrong it leaves you quite unsettled when you do mess up.


-hours later-


where the hell do i figure out how much i owe in student loans, pay them off, and figure out how to have stuff automatically taken from my account?!?!


song for friday...
'la la la lie' by jack's mannequin.
not quite sure why.
but yeah.


-next day-


can i just say that spending four or five hours at the lake with your friends is wonderful?
wish i could do that more often.
while halfway to the buoy i realized that swimming those 3/400 meters wasn't the best idea while i was still exhausted, spending an hour and a half just tossing each other into the water and practicing various swimming strokes was worth it.
tossing the frisbee around later; throwing rocks at the frisbee like it was a clay pigeon and finding large rocks for my college track friend to shot-put into the water. 


-sunday-


great scot, i need to take my plaid notebook to camp...
so many thoughts lost forever. 
perhaps a shred of one or two shall be remembered from time to time. it's remarkable how vivid life and thoughts are, only to be forgotten.
time erodes all things it seems.
no, not erodes...
they're still there; the road signs are jut buried.
fallen down rather, suppose the undergrowth just got to them.
hmm.
when the forest is all burned down you can see the signs; you remember so much more.
and new life is promoted.
i'm not sure what all i learned in the last fire but refining is something that will always need to be done.


last friday i listened to 'the mixed tape' and 'la la la lie' while getting ready.
as i looked in the mirror i remembered one night not too long before i gave in and let myself like him; i was half discussing music with him and half tossing songs out to say 'i'm not your type stop liking me so we can just be friends' 
i may have laughed with slight cynicism; yet the feel that i was finally myself again glinted in the mirror. haha, no, not cynicism... just being me.
'what the hell happened to the person tossing songs like that' i thought as i battled my acne with proactiv, of course putting the first-step facewash on in the form of a mustache.
...doesn't everybody do that?


...why do i wait to blog until it's time to leave?
hmm.
well, time to go, perhaps in our counselor game of water basketball i will keep my title as 'pit-bull' and with perfect form throw the six-foot some odd heavy set counselor with a beard once again.
that was epic.
excuse me, Epic.
deserves a capital E.

and i'm so tired... bloodshot eyes and falling into dreams only to wake up pained.

as i sit here on the edge of my bed my hands tingle with pain where blisters shall form from mopping the bath house; the hardest thing to clean at camp. i can still feel the brush to scrub and the squeegee used to push all of the water out; an hour-long affair. i swept out half the a-frames. dry-mopped our largest cabin. swept and mopped a smaller cabin.
trying to get up i realize again how sore i am from one too many 'races' in the pool where the 3/4th graders, none of whom were in my camp, would swarm to me to compete against. i let them swim halfway across the width of the pool. then swam and beat them, leaving them in a wave of giggles.
the shoulder muscles of my arms still remember the little girl with bright brown eyes that reminded me of the black eyes of the green tree frogs i caught in the bath house several times a day, i've never seen more beautiful brown eyes. running up to me she would hug me tight and look straight up; her chin then resting on my stomach. 'hug me back Lindsay! Pick me up and swing me like you did the other day! sit with me! sing with me!'
no matter how tired i was i put out extra effort to make her smile; she wasn't even in my camp.
my stiff legs betray me as i attempt to get up because of the 'let's see who can kick the longest!' contests the same small campers wished to have. 
perhaps i swam one too many night swims.
or too much playing 'zombie mermaids' with the 3/4th graders.
i feel my achy back that wishes to know why i had to let that other counselor store her stuff in my backpack; it also says i should have refused horse camp since the cabin is a mile away from the dining hall.
tired eyes look for sleep and my search for information on school payments disappoint them.
hearing the crickets outside my mind taunts me with the smell of fresh air and a whiff of a cool breeze; yet days of comforting the most homesick camper i have ever had; feeling nauseous for no real reason; and trying to not feel slighted because of my friend who's only been at camp two years now getting program director leaves it on the brink of stasis.
i kick some cds and various other things that clutter up my room out of the way; flinching as i realize that i may have just damaged my antique books. i nudge the rest of the mess on my floor and look about my train-wreck of a room despairingly...
my mind grows cluttered and i lay down on my bed...
unfortunatly the mattress is so old my back will hurt in the morning; no solace to be found in sleep.
i have so much to do...
my acne pains me and a coldsore is looming on the horizon; ready to swoop in as soon as i cease applying medication.
my body reminds me of the hundred degree weather that i have been in all week and demands more water.


sorry ian, i won't make it to your swim meet.
...i'm sorry i let you down.
maybe i'll be there for one heat...
i hope more members of the church are there...


*sigh*
that kid needs all the family he can get.


such a long week.
i deserve a good long rest...
*sigh*
genuinely not looking forward to sleeping on this bed.
am too tired to switch the sheets around...


*sigh*


i enjoy working hard.
earning what little i do make.
i didn't mind cleaning the bath house.
it was work.
i liked actually working...


so tired.


been looking at how to pay off student loans all evening... trying to settle my schedules changes... 
being yelled at for not looking into things sooner.
that's my own stupid fault.
but why i wait until i'm ready to collapse to do this is beyond me.


ha, this week a camper told me that when i sing it's like carrie underwood times ten.
i suppose i have a voice but that's a bit far.
then again i probably would never quite think my voice is that great.
hmm.


and now to rest...




...after shower, i haven't even changed and i've been drenched in sweat.


...i'm going to have nutella first.
mmm, nutella, strawberry jam, multigrain bread...
wish i had milk, i practically chugged that last quarter gallon we had as soon as i got home...
monday i didn't have much appetite and was shaky all day, need to eat more when i'm out working...


i'm sorry ian; i put all my energy into camp, i'm sorry... please swim well...


i've been rather hard on myself this week.


*sigh*


i've been dragging yet i still put out my best; and the lessons i gave this week were actually quite good even in my own eyes...
i still danced crazily with campers...
gave them good life advice...
even when i'm tired i live.


*sigh*


thank you for that one walk Lord, i needed a mile to myself.

senseless posts continued, the 2.5 hours of sleep full day at camp need sleep version

once again, if my voice is only like it is so campers will enjoy allowing it to send them off to sleep at night then it is in good use.
i may not feel worshipful in church songs yet i still serve with my voice.


...random.
i was sharpening my co-counselor's eye-shadow stick to give my campers war paint before we went on a mission to scare the boys' cabin when i hear a 'Lindsay, Lindsay!' i look up and one of my youngest campers (8 years) is walking in with blood pouring out of a gash on her head. it was in her hair, on her arms, on her shirt, on the floor. i jump up, give the girl to the other counselor, grab the first aide kit, realize that i don't need to first aide kit, just some paper towels, move her into the restroom, apply pressure, watch as the deep cut stops bleeding, calm campers, calm injured camper... the other counselor and i completed each other quite well there, she ended up going to the hospital with the camper and i went into super counselor mode as i distracted the girls and took them somewhere so they would be out of the way when the ambulance came.


after a loud impromptu party at the guy's cabin, we went stargazing.
that was lovely.
wonderful indeed.


singing my campers to sleep is also always worth it all.


*random
i exchanged stories about this past year with another counselor; she didn't know what i felt so bad for calling him 'jerkface' to myself. she has said worse.
...but it's not me.
and it's not something i want in me, it's not worthy of the role model i wish to be even if the campers never see that side.
however in this case i feel that it is wildly justified.
and fitting.

...it is late.
goodnight moon.
and tell Orion goodnight aswell, i talked to him a bit yesterday but the campers were there you see...

day-dreams then meet reality...

i have saturated these past few days with the two books following Anne of Green Gables.
now that i have finished them, the latter one in less than a day, i feel out of place. seems to me that i should be in Avonlea or Redmond, traipsing through the countryside daydreaming to my heart's content.
...and now i feel quite out of place.


have i mentioned at least one hundred times how badly i need a garden?


ha, the current program director would say 'you do not need a garden, you would like to have a garden, you think it would be nice to have a garden. we need to take 'need' out of your vocabulary, girl!'
or such was her response when i said art camp needed sketch pads. or water bottles. or just saying the word 'need' in passing.
side fairly related tangent; it vexes me greatly when people think that i am upset and i am not. that i'm all worked up, that i'm angry, ticked...
and i'm not.
then i get ticked.
'don't freakin tell me to calm down, i was jack johnson-placid and then you talked to me in that condescending manner...'
not that i say that, indeed i wonder if i could ever say something like that out loud.
pet peeve i suppose.


back to anne...
'"I hope no great sorrow ever will come to you, Anne," said Gilbert, who could not connect the idea of sorrow with the vivid, joyous creature beside him, unwitting that those who can soar to the highest heights can also plunge to the deepest depths, and that the nature which enjoy most keenly are those which also suffer most sharply.'


i know that i have rambled of there really not being any new thought before...
it's oddly comforting to read something written one hundred years ago that understands.


"I'm sure no life can be properly developed and rounded without some trial and sorrow -though i suppose it is only when we are pretty comfortable that we admit it."
well Anne, i think in that last point we disagree...
no matter how uncomfortable it is i always know that it will make me better.


while stealing away to Avonlea and Green Gables with Anne was wonderful and much needed, my ravenous methods of book reading devoured my family time here at my grandparents house.
two of my cousins on this side are here, and i don't get to see my oldest cousin and his wife often so that's wonderful... they just moved not to far from my university and my cousin has a big-screen tv and a subscription to NHL center-ice; i think i shall have to make numerous paper air-planes and we can pester each other with them while watching a game. antagonizing the cat between periods, of course.
he would have made a nice big brother, it's fun to be bugged in that manner. ha, i remember years ago when we would play blues clues together.


on a side note, saw joplin today... i'm quite familiar with joplin and seeing so much of it, the familiar parts, the houses i used to love to look at, the shops i used to go to, seeing them gone was quite uncanny in the least.
and then coming back from town (watched 'mr. popper's penguins') i escaped to avonlea... but the characters were grown up, many people died, i heard my grandmother shocked at the news that another friend's husband had died, the same news she received from another friend two days before.
perhaps this intrusion and connection to 'real' life is what pulled me into the tale so. then again, anne's more 'silent dreaming,' as i have rambled on before, may have drawn me in.
i wonder what i would have dreamed of had i more time outside, real outside...
i remember on babysitter's house; old barn with woods behind. small stream going through the wood... i sat with my back against a tree one day and just listened to the water.
dreaming that i was born of the forest and could live there forever.
i may not have had the imagination of anne, but 'kindred spirits' is quite close; even if her mannerisms, goals in life, and nature of many dreams is more perfectly in line with my good friend that is my pastor's daughter.
indeed, right down to her red hair she is just like anne...
perhaps this is why we are such good friends.


haha, the boys do chase after her in college i hear. she was surprised they do not chase after me; yet in all reality it would not be me to be chased i think. no one notices wallflowers.
well, one person did, he destroyed it.
unpleasant character.


now i just want a garden...


it is raining right now, what i wouldn't give to be out there in it...
thunder, lightening...


great scot, is it so late already?
nearly 2am...
and now to rest...

and in other news, i need to go see spider-man on broadway...

camping/cooking outside, sleeping under the stars, and riding a trained turn and burn horse...
good week?
yes.
and i'm exhausted.
barrels on that horse was fun, he was a good ride on trails as well once the farrier put shoes on him...




i began reading 'the secret garden'
...
i already missed having a garden and desperately wanted to have a large span of land for my own, that book reminded me of how wonderful the outdoors are. 
nothing in it was exaggerated to me.
i understood.


*random
i have dusty riding boots, worn out and needing replacement.
converse in the back of my truck.
glistening eyes when i look at the stars.
a stormy gaze that occasionally i cannot even hold.
an annual subscription to marvel online comics.
a body that feels at home working clearing trails alone, driving along country roads with the window down.
a heart that soar when i hear a symphony.
a voice that is best used calming campers and entertaining them when they ask me to 'sing opera'


i'm a bit odd.
and i love it.