if only he really was my big brother...

lindsay 'the assasin' back from another week of water basketball.
okay. 
so we didn't play much basketball yet the nickname 'the assasin' for how i play bball in a pool was quite amusing to me.


long week...
keeping track of 15 boys and 4 girls with only one other counselor was insane. 
but doable.
just tiring.
however hearing some of the kids that get in trouble and have to be watched say 'lindsay, won't you please sit with me at lunch if there's an open seat?!' and to see that the boys at the table each had something piled onto one place setting to save it for me made it worth it.
haha, seeing the campers smile makes it worth it.


i do however feel bad when i take over other camps...
umm...
i know the campers love me, but please refrain from saying that i'm the best counselor ever when your own counselor is right there... especially when you've known me for a day and are already begging for me to be your counselor next year...


maybe the other counselor's don't mind but i would think it would kind of...
well...
i wouldn't want to hear my campers saying it.


i think that today i finally realized the change that has happened in the past four years; i finally have learned to live without feeling worthless.
without apologizing for my existence.
yes i still and will do that from time to time; however it is not a foundation any longer...


*sigh*
one week of camp left.


one week?


great scot.


*sigh*


camp is, was, a constant.
but in all reality...
constants change.
my two favorite people are gone.
that hit me hard this past week...
he still doesn't have a job, thinking of him jobless just hurts...
campers grow up.
favorite trees fall down.
have i mentioned that campers grow up?
and that my two favorite people are gone?


well Lord, seems to me that all i can rely on is the sun rising in the morning, my eyes laughing at me in the mirror, and Orion being my big brother.
You are a given there; I don't feel that I take you for granted yet perhaps i do not acknowledge your hold on me as much as i feel that I should.
then again i don't want to be like those people that when i list those things like 'the sun rising in the morning' they will add 'and God's redeeming grace.'


...


i suppose they don't realize i'm only half talking to them.
or how many time i've discussed the matter with You.
not sure why people like that just aren't my kind of people... 
it's like...
i don't know, i describe the air i breathe in and rely on (so many metaphors!!) with You in mind Lord, i walk with You and You're my closest friend; when people talk to and about you as if You're not in the room i suppose i feel odd.
even while a lot of churches pray i feel like they're calling You down; i just sit there...
...talk to You...
...and feel odd as they tug the robe of the Person sitting in the pew next to me.


I suppose i'm like the book of Ester; You're not professed by name constantly but Your finger prints are all over me...


and i like it that way.


haha, even if people seldom catch my metaphors.
there are so many, so many indeed. not always intentional but often a metaphor adds such depth...
why say one thing when you can say it all?


other random:
we had two over-weight brothers this week.
we also had a bully, son of one of a pastor that was volunteering this past week in another camp.
i may have eavesdropped on the conversation the older brother had with his younger brother; of how he had caught two nice fish that morning while the person making fun of them hadn't caught anything. things work out and bad behavior isn't rewarded. 
i suppose just how he looked out for his younger brother impressed me.
his reaction to everything; my camp's reaction to it all.


yet still.
the 'bully' kid wasn't liked at all because of what he was doing.
i talked to his dad about it all after the other counselor brought it up to him; he knows how his son works quite well it seems.
i wonder at the existence of someone like that...
no one likes him for it; is he so insecure that he has to do that to make himself feel better?


hmm.
i've had this particular camper for a while.
my bet is on wanting attention and then in turn needing to feel better because he doesn't get it by the methods he has tried.


-hours later-
so tired.


Lord, porch swing and a nice large yard in the country to survey?
please?