beautiful morning looking at the mountains... they really are purple in the mornings, then they turn to a rich gray... the snow trailing down in rivers...
if i slept outside it would be much easier to be a morning person. or rolled straight out of bed outside.
i wanted to watch the rolling hills as we drove away, yet the urge to settle into my pillow and fall asleep to jack johnson was too strong... and i kind of fell asleep against my will...
as we left, i noticed all of the housing developments... the beautiful hills with signs stating the date of their demise and cultivation as a 'cheap' (starting at $159,000, twice as much as my house is worth i think... or more...) housing. i thought of how nice it would be to buy up a lot of the land... and do nothing with it.
nothing.
maybe build one house.
live there.
just to keep some fragment of the nature intact...
and then i saw these signs posted every mile or so along a barb-wire fence... no trespassing, it belonged to a ranch. these signs went on for more than fifteen miles... i hope whoever owns that land knows what they have and never gives it up, across the highway from that land sat a plethora of housing developments belonging to people who wouldn't hesitate to provide symmetry to the world and repeat the phenomena across the highway. i hope they get a tax break... wonder what they use all of that for and how many acres they own...
so i watched the colorado hills turn into golden hills and plains... the sky was such a wonderful blue and the clouds were low to the ground. then our director pulled off the road onto a rest area. he was close to crying... he was staying with our piano player's family, and that morning their father told his sons and our band director that he had in the past week discovered that he had several brain tumors. he had asked if he could tell us... and as we were all people of faith he said yes... yet the news can't get around that much, it's not for us to tell... our director said that he couldn't imagine going through that... not knowing what was going on, and watching your son drive away... he couldn't imagine leaving your father back there... sir said he left a chunk of his heart back there and that his heart was heavy for the family... we all gathered around our piano player and prayed for him... then just sat there for a while... his father was very nice, his entire family was. his father would give us advice and said that if we ever, ever needed anything, not to hesitate to ask. he was proud of all of us... after about ten minutes of silence the bus started and we left... still silent for a while...
i know it's no comparison, but i remember when we had no idea what was wrong with dad's eye... when a double cornea transplant (in the same eye, always takes more than one to work, the first one never takes) looked probable, even though it wouldn't promise results, when i wondered if he would be able to see at all again... not knowing is always a hard place to be. even knowing is, yet knowing for sure where you're at is always comforting.
at anyrate, the day went smoothly... other than me playing terribly... i played some songs well... but others... yeah. i just didn't catch the chord changes right... and one of my biggest fears was realized: there was an actual bass player in the audience. not sure how much he knew, he thought i did well but when i mentioned being off he said 'well yeah on that gospel one...' but yeah... i just play quietly when i'm wrong... piano player says it's fine, i should turn it up... but... yeah... quiet, shy, unsure people have no business playing bass guitar. yet i like it anyhow. just frustrates me... and probably the band director... and our trumpet sponsor-type person... i'm getting better... i have only been playing three years, but that's no excuse...
yet i did nail the latin groove beginning on 'crown you with praise' again... but need to work on the part after the piano break...
we played birdland in practice... i had never tried to read it yet was able to hang onto it, just bass clef... fun song to play... and amazing to hear jaco pastorius play it with weather report...
at anyrate... day ended well i suppose... it's just so hard for me to have a really good day...
bah, too much junk food this week, yet that's what people give us. not good for sitting in a bus 8 hours a day... i try not to wory about weight and looks, but i'm not doing any sports and i'm eating junk food because that's all i have and sitting in a bus doing nothing. that doesn't help with the day either... pathetic.
but it was nice to relax and watch a movie... i feel badly for going to sleep later than the girl i'm sharing a room with... but i need to 'deconstruct my thoughts' persay... i walked in there, she was in bed and asked after i was there with my computer a while 'lindsay, how late do you stay up?'
umm...
sorry...
she didn't say it to be mean.
i just feel badly for bothering anybody...
maybe i'll take a shower in the morning...
so i won't bother her much more this evening...
what is it with me and inconveniencing others?
i always feel like i am, like i'm to blame...
well, and as for the guy that broke up with me i'll indefinitely feel like i'm inconveniencing him and like i'm not worth his time, that there's someone more important he wants to talk to, so me saying two words to him will be rare and timid. or stupid and awkward. wish it hadn't happened. that wasn't an issue before. now it probably always will be. just as well, i suppose. or i at least wish i could completely disregard it happened?
i remember when i was small i would sneak up on my mom... you know how little kids like to surprise people, hide and jump out...
well, i got in trouble every time...
i didn't understand why... i was just trying to play...
suppose a lot of the time i was a 'speak when spoken to because if they don't talk to you they don't care to hear what you say' kind of person.
and i still am.
i don't just hold random conversations with people unless i know them fairly well...
okay, very well.
haha, unless i'm at the marble show.
i'm in my element there...
suppose i'd best go to bed... very long drive tomorrow... great many thoughts to avoid, as usual...
*sigh*
'sometimes time doesn't heal, no not at all, just stands stil, while we fall...'
but that's the only part of the song that applies to anything.
well, and 'I don't wanna take up anymore of your time' but as for the rest, why would i have ever wanted him to want me back?
never ever wanted that.
which is probably a good indication that it should have ended (as i know very well.)
-Dear reader and future self,
Hard to believe that less than a year after this that he is gone.
I hope his son is okay.
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