began reading 'the picture of dorian gray'
quite wonderful thus far, i'm enjoying it immensely...
i read it on the front porch, i've decided that reading in a rocking chair is necessary to life...
when i was walking back over from playing in band at commencement, i looked at the beautiful trees... the rustling leaves producing such wonderful music... the clouds sailing across the sky...
as i was sitting out on the porch i found that observing the outdoors and reading melded together...
and making comments to the characters in the book, of course.
one random thought:
i'm way too open, tossing myself out on the internet in this manner.
i acknowledge that only three readers know me in person, yet really...
suppose i don't want to be completely known.
but then again, these blogs really don't even tell the half of it...
bah, and the cynical side says the guy i dated assumes all over these...
that i say a half thought and he assumes and scorns...
at anyrate, suppose i'm scared of misinterpretation...
ah well...
i kind of need to...
well, this isn't communication.
as my communication model notes from last semester state, there must be a sender, the sender sends the message, the receiver receives it, yet it is not communication unless there is feedback.
and even feedback provided by the sender does not count in my opinion.
but it needs out if no one is going to ask for it.
which they most never do.
it's odd communicating in person...
something that i have to get used to, i was getting closer, but in the whole relationship standpoint communicating when he keeps bringing up the whole physical thing doesn't happen...
how does my rambling turn to that so much?
bah.
suppose the ramble i originally had was angled there in a slight manner.
i sat on the porch watching the trees... the clouds drifting by...
i felt...
as alive as ever...
but something was missing...
it was uncanny, and i really don't understand.
suppose i had all of the life i used to but it shouldn't all come at once...?
yet still, feeling that was wonderful...
having my mind alive...
'the soul is healed through the senses' perhaps as Lord what's-it from the book i'm reading said... forgot his name...
the cool breeze almost made it chilly on the porch while it was very warm in the sun...
it was wonderfully peaceful, the birds hopping bout, the stray rabbit being only feet away and looking at me odd while i was talking to it.
ha, one particular bird was looking at me and singing.
he had the clearest tone i've ever heard from a robin...
but then again with him being just a few feet away...
he and another male robin were building a nest.
'the odd couple' haha, one was very neat and the other had ruffled feathers...
until i remarked on the ruffled state of his feathers.
then, he shook in a ridiculous matter and when he stopped his feathers were all smooth except for the one odd white feather on his tail.
haha, suppose i should be glad that birds are taking fashion tips from me...?
his crazy surfer/hockey player shaggy head looked quite ridiculous in feather form, it was funny that he changed it instantly upon my suggestion...
i looked out on the hill sloping downward, the wind in the trees, beautiful leaves shaking...
i breathed in deeply the life...
that i actually felt...
i felt it wholly...
yes, there was that uncanny sense of missing something...
but really, i was what i saw...
i have remarked several times that i wish i was a spring breeze...
the rustling leaves...
but i didn't quite realize the extent to which that was already true, when i'm feeling the most alive, that is... or just feeling alive...
i was watching the clouds form a beautiful sunset...
and then, oddly enough, i just bristled with joy as i looked over the serene scene and had this one thought:
the guy i dated?
he'll never have all of this.
never.
it was peculiar, like finding a treasure so precious that you can't share it...
like finding something so wonderful and at the core of your being that you simply can't be like that with everyone...
and he'll never have that.
he doesn't live,
and he won't capture me.
i don't know where i'll end up living, but having trees, a space to sit outside...
please, Lord?
haha, i may have been as alive at the outdoors as i sat out there...
but the clouds were moving faster.
suppose motion is difficult with an iceberg dictating your speed...
you know Lord,
he once said the point of living is to live.
and he didn't know if i had realized that yet.
haha, no Lord, he didn't know me...
the extent that i feel life is...
is...
Lord, thank You for the perspective you created me with.
i wonder at how long it would take for me to really be myself with people around...
i can feel so wonderfully content and alive when outside...
to such that i never care to talk to a person again...
but i know that other people are necessary.
it's just hard when they never come to me, i suppose.
but thank You...
and i may never understand the joy that i felt in that thought...
but i do hope it's a good thing?
as You will, Lord...
thought it leads me through the flames you always know what You're doing...
who You're creating, why, what, haha, and yes Lord, who You're creating it for. besides Yourself...
anyhow...
best keep packing for Germany...
just a few days...
and i need to keep reading that book, it's intriguing, wonderful indeed, was it by oscar wilde? don't recall...
haha, and witty at times.
'what are american dry-goods?'
'American novels.'
and so much interesting thought, and talk of outdoors... intriguing indeed...
Lord?
sometimes i feel so overwhelmed with joy at nature... the stars...
but i love it when i can tell that You're bristling with joy over me...
haha, saw two good people get that coveted plank of wood like what i got in high school...
i remarked to the honors student that plays flute 'really, that's what matters... when i graduated last year i had a chunk of metal and a piece of string. but it's the plank of wood you get for being yourself, for letting God live through you, that matters...'
she kind of rolled her eyes and said 'sure it is..'
and i know that i'd like some of that colorful string, but i need to learn not to fret about it...
you know Lord, i'm interested in so much i wish i didn't have to stop college.
music, graphic design, psychology, literature, english, and communications majors please?
anyhow...
time to pack.
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