such a wonderful evening indeed, rushing around to leave on time, last minute trip to buy gas, being distracted by my gps and forgetting to put the gas cap on my truck, forgetting my ticket and running back to get it therefore noticing the gas cap, driving along listening to CHristmas music, seeing the Christmas Carol...
ah, it was so well put together, i smiled and laughed...
for real.
i don't think some people realize what a wonderful feeling that is...
haha, it's when that smile reaches down to the very depths, that laugh penetrates everything...
so wonderful indeed ^_^
and that is how i was this evening.
ah, and for Christmas the theater asked for contributions to their student workshops and funding for classes and schools to come see live theater.
i thought of how long it was before i saw a real play.
...sophomore year in high school, my school did the Odd Couple.
...is it so weird to say the one time someone invited me to a play, i was in 8th grade and my mom wanted me to go to an 8th grade production in another town, i said no...
secretly, i knew that had i gone it would just kill me that there are such things i had always, always wanted to do, that God has placed in my mind as something i needed to do... and i had no opportunity to do it. none whatsoever...
ha, and my thought turned to my thoughts of how people make a difference in ambitions and lives, how certain people push others to things, how i randomly decided to do the musical my junior year and i found my theater teacher to encourage me into other things... i wanted someone to see theater, remember that, try it, and find such people... i do wish i still had people like that...
didn't need that $20 bill.
no one but the person with the bucket and whoever reads this will know.
haha, i think Ayn Rand would have approved of that 'charity' in all reality.
and Lord...
haha, indeed.
haha, after the lovely performance we walked around the plaza, i wore my long gray wool coat and a red plaid scarf that did not match my green/gray converse, barnes and noble with friends, finding a coffee cup with a typewriter and type on it, seeing the lights, walking along the river and teasing my friend's husband, telling my friend that we had planned this so i could give him good ideas for future dates and such.
speaking of, i was so much more myself than when i was there last year with what's his face.
of course, i wasn't used to anything regarding the guy.
afterwards, on a whim, i turned into the stately streets with million dollar mansions near the area.
haha, my friend that i drove is from Korea and she loved what we saw so much we just kept driving.
i love such houses and such nice things, may be many peoples' "American Dream" but i would just place a wreath on my door, beautiful lighted topiaries on each side of the door on the porch that's either beautiful rustic stone that should be in Eddie Bauer or stately columns that have evergreen garland and lights wrapped around and around... tall windows with a dazzling Christmas tree inside, tall burgundy wingback chairs around the fireplace with a cream colored suede sofa and a warm jewel toned blanket?
ha, no, i haven't had such dreams for as long as i remember, no, not at all.
is it odd that such things feel like home so much it's ridiculous when in reality there's a trailor park a couple of blocks form my home, i'll probably never make more than 50k a year, and my house costs half as much as the education i'll have out of four years?
such things may never be, but they feel strangely... so right... to the point that driving along i just felt that i needed to be there.
odd.
hmm.
"but the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be on your own front door!"
ha, perhaps my neat-freak identifies such things with clean warmth as opposed to...
brown carpets, holes in the yellowed linoleum floor, things piled on the coffee table to the point that i can't put my feet on it, cats that don't know where the litter box is, holes in the ceiling paint, cheap old doors, wall paint that chips off, every corner covered with things and the harder i try to clean the more frustrated i am with how it just isn't helping...
hmm.
much more than most people have however, and even with my broken window my room can be warm. ha, and i have a lovely truck thanks to my dad the mechanic.
i love clean, open spaces...
when you can stretch out on the floor and gaze up at the ceiling, look around and see the furniture from a new angle...
ha, hug a cold, hard column and love the perspective it has that brings it to life...
mmm...
small wonder i feel so at home in such places.
and Lord...
I'm so used to feeling at home on my own, clean spaces, living so vibrantly by myself...
I love it, but I often wonder if I'll ever be capable of doing that with someone else.
I suppose it truly depends on what the other person is like, doesn't it?
ha, that's what i leave it up to You.
but in the mean time, i'll live, drive around houses i'll never be able to afford, beaming ridiculously as i see the lighted porches and driveways, taking joy in little things like the shape of a bare tree that i love so...
ha, walking to jazz today the sky was so beautiful, the tops of the clouds were lighted and then melted into the blue sky...
so wonderful...
Lord, of all things You allow humanity to be a part of, i thank You for allowing me to be part of Your creation...
because i am...
i am indeed...
the perspective, the feel, how i often can't describe the way i feel because there are not words!
it can't be described, if it is then you miss most of the meaning unless you understand me... ha, metaphors to capture the broad range of feeling my thoughts envelop, the feel to it all...
no words...
...there is only...
ha, reality, i suppose.
there is 'go outside and breathe the air. that is what i am.' on a cool, moist day...
the warm summer nights, the trees, the storms...
the lighted clouds that melt into the sky, all of it.
ha...
all of it...
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