"Clear our thought and calm our feeling,
still the fractured, warring soul."
went to visit a friend's church today, they had very traditional hymns and i found 'Silence frenzied unclean spirit' to be quite fitting indeed to me...
"Silence! frenzied, unclean spirit,"
cried God's healing, holy One.
"Cease your ranting! Flesh can't bear it.
Flee as night before the sun."
At Christ's voice the demon trembled,
from its victim madly rushed,
while the crowd that was assembled
stood in wonder, stunned and hushed.
Lord, the demons still are thriving
in the grey cells of the mind:
tyrant voices, shrill and driving,
twisted thoughts that grip and bind,
doubts that stir the heart to panic,
fears distorting reason's sight,
guilt that makes our loving frantic,
dreams that cloud the soul with fright.
Silence, Lord, the unclean spirit,
in our mind and in our heart.
Speak your word that when we hear it
all our demons shall depart.
Clear our thought and calm our feeling,
still the fractured, warring soul.
By the power of your healing
make us faithful, true and whole.
quite a lovely hymn. I often wonder if modern worship songs tell of as much brokeness, or if anyone sings the old hymns with thought in mind to the full reality of the words.
i suppose no one realizes words nowadays...
i enjoyed this song. the demons of my own mind are still 'thriving' yet my 'fractured warring soul' is battling the tyrant voices, shrill and driving, twisted thoughts that grip and bind, doubts that stir the heart to panic, fears distorting reason's sight, guilt that makes our loving frantic, dreams that cloud the soul with fright' as they ever have.
fractured warring soul.
i love that line.
today the service i went to was at a denominatin that i am familiar with as i work at a camp affiliated with it, so i knew enough to wonder why i had brought my Bible at all as the sermon would be a speech that incorperated God. today's topic was, ironicaly, about the 'sound of silence.'
hmm.
at anyrate, it was talked about how we are not silent and listening, we fill our lives with noise and never stop. we fill our lives with noise to not face dilusions or voices that lie to us, the preacher used all instances of outward and external things like racism, sexism, the need to have worldly riches, etc. i was sitting with the choir (had been roped into it, albeit not unwillingly) thinking that the lack of internal things of silence was... uncanny.
how many people live internal lives?
is a balance not necessary?
i live all inside... i need to live outside aswell.
but silence... it rings many people to face themselves. it's uncomfortable.
i have difficulty with silence with other people as i'm used to bein on my own and feeling the world around me, thinking of the birds, the trees, the chirstmas lights in my dorm room that look lovely and the photos on my wall of things many people do not notice... the combination of thinking and feeling is whole there.
in the silence.
add another person and i'm thrown through a loop.
not a good thing.
at anyrate, while the sermon was albout silence... yes, it was about listening for God. yet people do not know their own personal being... people need to learn to listen for God on their own. and to be their own person. truely. yet what are we any more?
when 'dilusions' or 'voices' you have in your mind was brought up and listed, i was waiting to hear 'self-criticism,' 'lack of self-worth,' 'confusion,' and other such things that i struggle with.
but no.
the only things listed were focused externally.
what's wrong with being internal from time to time?
how are you to know who..
haha, well, i haven't the slightest notion as to who i am.
i have been asked that.
'who are you, Lindsay?'
well, the last... and only, rather, person to ask that ultimatly did not care for how internal i was.
at anyrate, i wonder at how we can act like this society is so individualized... but we wish to be just the same as anyone else.
as for me, i want to be my own person...
but when i'm the focus of attention...
i have no idea what to do... i think something must not be right, no one pays attention to me unless it's negative, and so i associated attention with it being negative, and therefore am kind of uncomfortable and feel like i must do something else. doesn't mean i think the attnetion is negative. but the reaction is conditioned.
the birds are singing out my window...
^_^
during sunday school, a small 3-person gathering that we had plenty of good discussion in (when was the last time i had that with anyone save myself... great scot too long. ah well. i'm more used to never than occasionaly.)and the birds were singing... i could hear them so clearly...
yet the room had stained-glass windows.
lovely indeed, but to feel the air through my memory of the morning and hear the birds sing it almost pained me to not see them...
such a beautiful day...
haha, "the birds, air, and trees sing a symphony that whistles through the leaves..."
i don't know if i made the line up or if i remembered a few words and pieced it together as i thought flowed best, yet my heart was out there whistling through the leaves...
and everytime i think i'm alright i remember what happened last week and get nauteous. i do not know why... should have never happened.
i may not know the reason why.
and there is ineed a reason, i still just wish it hadn't happened.
at anyrate, i had one of my discussions with God about it. i asked him to name me one good reason why it should have happened.
what did He say?
"because I told it to."
silence... and then i muttered back that it still shouldn't have happened. almost spitefully. but God knows me well enough that he enjoys laughing at me at all the right times, it cheers me at anyrate ^_^ haha, the looks He gave me when i first started letting myself like that guy. and i would roll my eyes and try not to smile. but when i did God would smile bigger. and make me smile more. heh.
yes, i definatly was not on my own enough these past few months.
i need to find a balance one of these days...
but at the moment spring is so enticing...
even when the world passes me by, the daisies laugh with me and i stand in awe of the rain as it cleanses the earth, and in turn, me.
i find it odd that in all that has troubled me in life, i can chin up and say 'there's a reason and it has made me stronger. i cannot see the full canvas, just the dark or light strokes that are painted as i go along' yet for this... i just wish it had never happened. but i can't help that. in a month maybe i'll have learned from it or see why it was there. maybe i'll never see why it was there.
but at the moment i just feel that i'd rather it not happened.
maybe the whole thing me having trouble admitting that another person can hurt me.
i take it on myself.
because i can never, ever, give someone the power to hurt me. even if they do hurt, it makes me stronger so i still win.
in this case there is no winning on any side.
so what do i do?
i don't know.
but until then i'll chip, gnaw, and kick whatever feelings are left over until the whimper and crawl away.
sounds harsh.
but oh so fitting.
i don't want them there. there is no need of them.
whimper away.
and leave me be.
would have been easier if they weren't there in the first place.
-EDIT-
you know, i like the times i'm able to disregard that i ever liked him. and i think that is the route i shall take, acknowledgement and disregard.
and get on with life.
granted, I never quite liked him, he was just the first person to like me and my mind wanted to let such feelings out that had never had a chance to play...
and even though i feel nothing like that for the kid (most of the time. i'm getting closer.) it's still akward to be around him. ah well, time i suppose.
it feels nice when i can forget ^_^ shall be wonderful when i haven't any of those feelings, i'm excited actually. go back to how it was, and all shall be well with the world.
in the meantime,
SPRING!
spring feels wonderful, it reminds me of who i am.
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