reading my own eyes

hello.
my name is lindsay.


i like nothing more than running around barefoot, feeling the soft grass underfoot and breathing life with it.


i take ridiculous pleasure in driving my new truck to the farm store to buy birdseed by myself.
tossing the sack in the bed of my truck is welcome labor.


it's all i can do to tear myself away from my place in the yard come winter, watching the birds flit about and fight over their place at the old flower-pot water-catcher turned bird-feeder.


i read a myriad of things and relate strongly to Ayn Rand.
how?
Ayn loved skyscrapers, the creation of man, man creating and forming himself.


i love trees, sunsets, grass, rivers, the creation of God, God creating and forming... me.
giving me the mindset i have.


i dream of a window-seat on a rainy day, curling up on a couch reading while all wrapped up in a blanket.


i've been burned.


i've cried myself to sleep.


i've grown too strong for tears.


i've grown too weak to bother crying.


on occasion i can't hold my own gaze.


on occasion i can't look away.


i've danced with the wind, i've felt my soul quiver in the leaves of a tree and my mind cleansed by rain.


what can i say?


i am what life has made me, what God has trusted me with formed me.
but i remained the same at the core.


i just found it a little more with each passing hurdle.


but there's this thing about hurdles...


i love soaring through the air, even if i crash on the way down.


for a moment you're flying.


and even when you lay on the ground, bloody and bruised...


all your eyes can see is up.


i have no idea what to do with my life.


i haven't even mentioned being shunned and made fun of in school, being yelled at by my parents, or once upon a time believing i was worthless.
someone once tried to cage me in.
i didn't care for him too much yet he left a huge scar and a knife in my back.
he shouldn't care for any of the above aspects of me, he stomped on them and declared them unworthy whether he knew he did or not.
it was my fault for letting it happen.

but those are not so important.


i am the sum, i am not the additives.
but the additives are me.