random:
i wonder if i'll ever feel good enough.
my self-confidence may get better at some point, unless my realistic nature gets in the way... yet even when i'm confident i don't feel good enough. ever.
i'm one of those weird people that will get one compliment from a person that means it and glow for weeks. heh, after the musical last year... i was glowing for months, out of all the people in the musical people would pick me out and tell my theatre teacher how well i did, that i should pursue vocal performance in college, that he needed to make sure i acted in college...
i suppose that while i do give myself value... i don't know what to make of myself?
a close friend of mine, she lives in san fran, just told me that i inspire her... that i could never be duplicated, i'm just one of those people that will never happen again... heh. that any guy to get me is lucky and any that had me and let me go never knew what he had.
i suppose she's biased as she never met the kid... she's certainly heard enough about him.
so while people think well of me...
i often wonder what the difference between being humble and naive are... i simply don't know. does being humble require you to think well of yourself and genuinely not act better than anyone else? or it is just being unaware of what gifts you have... or is it a mix of the two?
hmm.
thinking of my dad... he can fix anything. lawnmowers. heaters. cars. (he's a mechanic.) weed eaters. fans. whatever. and he knows this... but he's humble about it. he fixes peoples' cars at a reasonable rate on the side, and helps his friends out. he mows the lawn of the old lady across the street and tells her he doesn't know how her lawn got mowed. he hears the neighbor's car battery is dead and shows up with a charger without anyone asking. a friend of my mom knew an old lady in the inner city of the town we live near, her window air conditioner had broken and she was buying a new one for her but didn't know how to put it in. dad and i were going to go to... was it a hockey game? or the Christian book store? no, bookstore and i had my hockey shirt since i was going to get sweaty helping with the air conditioner... we put it in. the air conditioner had issues. we were there all evening in 90 degree heat putting it in and making sure it worked. they tried to pay us... and dad declined.
is that being humble?
charitable?
i don't know...
but i hope i can be like that.
i was good friends with the daughter of some neighbors that moved away shortly after i graduated HS... my friend's dad was in Iraq for a few years, and they appreciated so much how my dad helped them. fixing their lawn mower. helping with their car. mowing their lawn.
and when dad had his eye problems?
people mowed our lawn.
people from his work helped us with our cars.
the lady across the street would check in with us.
people from church he had helped in the past would sit at our house all day to help with his ridiculous schedule of eye drops since he couldn't read the labels or get out of bed.
his hands have always been black with grease from working on cars... they were so clean... it saddened me...
his work took up a collection that equalled the amount of one of his eye surgeries.
we had several people send us things for thanksgiving... complete with turkey napkins and pumpkin pie.
this is how much influence dad's humility and Christ-like generous spirit has influenced those around him...
and i hope that i can be like that.
that was quite the tangent, yet it was a good one :)
haha, oh the days we would go to hockey games... pretty much every home game. i love hockey games. i would get so excited... or when we would get beef jerky after girl scouts. or going to monster truck events and he would tell me about when he rode dirt bikes and how we should take that little truck in our side yard and enter it in the 'tough truck' competitions.
have i mentioned that i like my dad?
but you know... i bet he also has times that he doesn't feel good enough...
i just feel that way... all the time.
but i shouldn't let that change how i live... yet it almost defines who i am... almost.
i wonder what does...
at anyrate...
i've had jack's mannequin lyrics stuck in my head all day...
"You see I got this critical conscience
A brand new black hole in the solar system
I dig my grave but I just cant stand to step inside..."
that's a good song...
as is this, had it stuck in my head the past several days:
i'm ready
...
just found out jack's mannequin was at warped tour in 2008.
guess who else was at warped tour in 2008?
ME.
*forehead desk*
ah well.
how necessary is feeling you're worth it?
is it possible to love who you are and still dislike what you act like in some cases and to think you're a person of value without being worth anything to anyone for any reason?
at least i have one friend that i 'inspire'
and as for being worth it... i know i have a lot of friends that love me.
but...
i don't know...
and i can't understand why it's not in my mindset to ask for help. to reach out to people when i'm hurting. i just don't, and if i do then i must be ridiculously good friends with said person... all i can think of is my friend in san fran, and that's the only one i go to... maybe i'd go to a good friend i have on campus that's kind of becoming a big sister...
why don't i go to anyone?
*sigh*
and how necessary is feeling you're worth it...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
lots of random tangents make one post.
(so i edited out the random tangents, this blog doesn't need them, i'll let the blood an' guts stay on my secret blog, mwuhahahah!)
yesterday my room mate and i were talking... really, i'm not sure i'd say so much to her if i wasn't so used to talking to myself all the time, and now i'm sharing a room... yet she's easy to talk to and understanding.
we were talking about how it's so hard to be able to say what you're thinking when no one has ever really cared enough about what you're thinking to ask you or pursue your thought... it just stays in your head. and then when someone genuinely wishes to know what you're thinking... you feel guilty and bad for saying 'i don't know'
but you honestly don't... you've never had to take what's in your head and make sense of it. i found it odd that both of us agreed that we felt guilty when we didn't know... it's not like we didn't want to say what was in our mind... we just couldn't.
i suppose that's the cost of being on your own...
and in all honesty, hardly anyone has quite cared enough to want to know what i'm thinking. and i'm not being cynical.
too cynical, that is.
the problem with that is that i got so used to people not caring, there are probably people that care now yet i'm used to never saying anything, so... i suppose that's part of why when i'm in trouble or feeling down, no matter what it just never occurs to me to go to anyone... well, okay. my friend in san fran. i was so glad she was online that time last week... i actually would have called her had she not been. but i've known her several years and talked to her so much... through so much...
and i need to get over the feeling that i'm inconveniencing people... i really do...
at anyrate, camp is always good for me :) in a few months that's where i shall be.
in the mean time i shall sit here on my own.
i wonder why some people think something's wrong with being content to sit alone in their dorm, no one coming by to visit, not really seeking anyone out even if there was anyone to seek out... i've known several people that think that's not right...
i'll admit i'm not completely okay with it being like that all the time, yet what can i do about it?
the snow looked lovely today... in the trees, delicately placed on the bushes... beautiful.
calming.
the ice in the trees looks so wonderful with the lamp illuminating them from behind...
yesterday my room mate and i were talking... really, i'm not sure i'd say so much to her if i wasn't so used to talking to myself all the time, and now i'm sharing a room... yet she's easy to talk to and understanding.
we were talking about how it's so hard to be able to say what you're thinking when no one has ever really cared enough about what you're thinking to ask you or pursue your thought... it just stays in your head. and then when someone genuinely wishes to know what you're thinking... you feel guilty and bad for saying 'i don't know'
but you honestly don't... you've never had to take what's in your head and make sense of it. i found it odd that both of us agreed that we felt guilty when we didn't know... it's not like we didn't want to say what was in our mind... we just couldn't.
i suppose that's the cost of being on your own...
and in all honesty, hardly anyone has quite cared enough to want to know what i'm thinking. and i'm not being cynical.
too cynical, that is.
the problem with that is that i got so used to people not caring, there are probably people that care now yet i'm used to never saying anything, so... i suppose that's part of why when i'm in trouble or feeling down, no matter what it just never occurs to me to go to anyone... well, okay. my friend in san fran. i was so glad she was online that time last week... i actually would have called her had she not been. but i've known her several years and talked to her so much... through so much...
and i need to get over the feeling that i'm inconveniencing people... i really do...
at anyrate, camp is always good for me :) in a few months that's where i shall be.
in the mean time i shall sit here on my own.
i wonder why some people think something's wrong with being content to sit alone in their dorm, no one coming by to visit, not really seeking anyone out even if there was anyone to seek out... i've known several people that think that's not right...
i'll admit i'm not completely okay with it being like that all the time, yet what can i do about it?
the snow looked lovely today... in the trees, delicately placed on the bushes... beautiful.
calming.
the ice in the trees looks so wonderful with the lamp illuminating them from behind...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
cause lately i'm not dreamin, so what's the point in sleeepin, it's just that at night i've got nowhere to hide...
*sigh*
the song 'hammers and strings' has been haunting me all evening...
i've just been down.
SOLACE: sol-ace
noun, verb, -aced, -ac·ing.
–noun Also called sol·ace·ment.
1. comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort.
2. something that gives comfort, consolation, or relief: The minister's visit was the dying man's only solace
:the music gave the fractured warring soul solace.
:the beautiful weather provided solace for the broken girl...
:the scarred soul found no solace.
RESILIENCE: re-sil-ience
–noun
1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
:the stoic INTJ showed resilience in the face of her troubles.
:the concrete girl was resilient and unmoving, she would bounce back in a matter of days.
:the tired, frustrated spirit feigns resilience and has the world fooled...
FRUSTRATE: frus-trate
verb, -trat·ed, -trat·ing, adjective
–verb (used with object)
1. to make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat; nullify: The student's indifference frustrated the teacher's efforts to help him.
2. to disappoint or thwart (a person): a talented woman whom life had frustrated.
:the downtrodden figure was frustrated with her schedule.
:the list of responsibilities led to frustration and turmoil from the calm, quiet girl who only wanted to rest...
:the girl's life had become synonymous with frustration.
'i'm feeling like a bomb... like i'm screwing up my song... it's like i don't belong, with no point in going on... yeah, c'mon prove me wrong'
the song 'hammers and strings' has been haunting me all evening...
i've just been down.
SOLACE: sol-ace
noun, verb, -aced, -ac·ing.
–noun Also called sol·ace·ment.
1. comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort.
2. something that gives comfort, consolation, or relief: The minister's visit was the dying man's only solace
:the music gave the fractured warring soul solace.
:the beautiful weather provided solace for the broken girl...
:the scarred soul found no solace.
RESILIENCE: re-sil-ience
–noun
1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
:the stoic INTJ showed resilience in the face of her troubles.
:the concrete girl was resilient and unmoving, she would bounce back in a matter of days.
:the tired, frustrated spirit feigns resilience and has the world fooled...
FRUSTRATE: frus-trate
verb, -trat·ed, -trat·ing, adjective
–verb (used with object)
1. to make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat; nullify: The student's indifference frustrated the teacher's efforts to help him.
2. to disappoint or thwart (a person): a talented woman whom life had frustrated.
:the downtrodden figure was frustrated with her schedule.
:the list of responsibilities led to frustration and turmoil from the calm, quiet girl who only wanted to rest...
:the girl's life had become synonymous with frustration.
'i'm feeling like a bomb... like i'm screwing up my song... it's like i don't belong, with no point in going on... yeah, c'mon prove me wrong'
i found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn...
you know, i think the most difficult thing about this whole escapade is that in my past 19 years i've learned to never show the one that hurt you that you are hurt at all. it's simply not done. it's not acknowledged.
you act as if nothing happened.
or as if it never bothered you.
may be the best way to get around people attacking you verbally and you getting hurt, but this is different yet i'm still having the same reactions.
and it's especially odd when that person is trying to help you.
i really can't stand all of that bringing me down. to me it's not as legit of a reason... i haven't been attacked. my self worth isn't threatened. well, if it is then it is my fault... i'm just programed to think it's my fault.
and for this... it doesn't seem like something to fight through. i fight through the rest of it. fight so hard... there isn't anything to triumph over here.
just to let go.
i've never had to not fight before.
sure i need to get rid of the feelings, and i'm fighting those out of my system.
but it's not the same.
not the same.
what do you do when you can't fight...
and fighting is all you have known?
i suppose i'm still swimming to the surface... i break to the surface and bob at the top every now and then, but somehow fall back... only to fight for the surface once again.
today in intercultural communications we were sent out in pairs to certain places on campus to discuss the environmental context. a friend from directing II class and i trekked to the library, talking as we went.
well, according to her, i am allowed to be pissed as long as i like, at least i never kissed him, and i am a 'hottie' and need to realize it.
...?
ha!
at anyrate, it was good talking to her. even though it felt odd talking to her about such things in the middle of a library even though i didn't know what few people were there... i don't know her too well, but she's easy to talk to and cares enough to ask actual questions..
hopefully i can relax...
swim
the resolution
a good song to let go to... perfect... ah, what i listen to when i need to wake up. and get going. and when i need to... when i need to remember that i'm alive, i don't need a witness to know that i survive... i'm not looking for forgiveness...
and then life is good.
perhaps not good so much as...
alive.
doesn't matter what life is like when you're alive.
you act as if nothing happened.
or as if it never bothered you.
may be the best way to get around people attacking you verbally and you getting hurt, but this is different yet i'm still having the same reactions.
and it's especially odd when that person is trying to help you.
i really can't stand all of that bringing me down. to me it's not as legit of a reason... i haven't been attacked. my self worth isn't threatened. well, if it is then it is my fault... i'm just programed to think it's my fault.
and for this... it doesn't seem like something to fight through. i fight through the rest of it. fight so hard... there isn't anything to triumph over here.
just to let go.
i've never had to not fight before.
sure i need to get rid of the feelings, and i'm fighting those out of my system.
but it's not the same.
not the same.
what do you do when you can't fight...
and fighting is all you have known?
i suppose i'm still swimming to the surface... i break to the surface and bob at the top every now and then, but somehow fall back... only to fight for the surface once again.
today in intercultural communications we were sent out in pairs to certain places on campus to discuss the environmental context. a friend from directing II class and i trekked to the library, talking as we went.
well, according to her, i am allowed to be pissed as long as i like, at least i never kissed him, and i am a 'hottie' and need to realize it.
...?
ha!
at anyrate, it was good talking to her. even though it felt odd talking to her about such things in the middle of a library even though i didn't know what few people were there... i don't know her too well, but she's easy to talk to and cares enough to ask actual questions..
hopefully i can relax...
swim
the resolution
a good song to let go to... perfect... ah, what i listen to when i need to wake up. and get going. and when i need to... when i need to remember that i'm alive, i don't need a witness to know that i survive... i'm not looking for forgiveness...
and then life is good.
perhaps not good so much as...
alive.
doesn't matter what life is like when you're alive.
Monday, February 21, 2011
when you only see the surface...
you know, i don't quite like my demeanor while i am simply a social actor.
at all.
never have.
it's like...
i don't know.
all the qualities of me without the same effect... i think...
often my 'social acting' can be quite genuine, however whenever i'm incredibly upset or having a bad day it becomes too forced...
at anyrate, while i do accept, appreciate, and embrace who i am...
there are quite a lot of times i don't like myself or how i act.
ah well.
i don't like how often i talk about myself on this blog.
well, i suppose in review of last week and my reactions it's understandable.
and since most of my frustration tends to be about myself...
it only makes sense.
i have a dinner date with one of my 'freshman mentors,' she's nice, but i shall be social acting. i know she means well, but she's also one of the people that wanted to talk to me simply because my boyfriend and i broke up last week. aside from that i'm not the kind of person that can just spill to everyone and everyone... unless it has just happened, yesterday. but still. couldn't do that. i barely know her... and just... perhaps the other mentor woudl understand. yet all the same, i shall be a stoic, strong, INTJ and not let out the small, INFP with strong INTJ tendencies that wears her jacket and pulls her sleeves over her hands to make an attempt at a portable introvert corner that speaks quietly and shows more wen i'm in pain... but the INTJ says that's not alright, and ignores the INFP.
but i like the small, shy me that tries to hide, tugs her sleeves over her hands, that may get uncomfortable but just isn't used to things, that likes to curl up in a blanket with a pillow and think about life, read anne of green gables on a rainy day on a bench outside, have a warm cup of soup to hold onto, has a stuffed cow to hold when she's happy... or not... or is carried off in a spring breeze... the one that finds their eyes shining at the sight of snow or a red leaf in a clear, frozen puddle...
i just can't be that right now or i'll never let this all go.
and aside from that, the small, shy me that can't quite let things out... well, not everyone likes it like i do. and when that happens i start turning to more social acting... it takes me long enough to be comfortable enough for the small shy one anyhow...
i also tend to act that way when i'm not strong enough to show a strong persona. i'm quiet. and... *sigh* quiet demeanor indeed.
i wonder how many people of the world are simply social actors... what they hide... if they hide...
if they wonder about other people...
perhaps so much of my observation is why i tend to read people... unless they are forcibly trying not to be read, or are simply good actors.
at anyrate.
"INTJs are able to leave relationships when they're over, and get on with their lives. They believe that this is the right thing to do. They may have more difficulty accomplishing the task than they like to exhibit to other people."
you've got that right.
at all.
never have.
it's like...
i don't know.
all the qualities of me without the same effect... i think...
often my 'social acting' can be quite genuine, however whenever i'm incredibly upset or having a bad day it becomes too forced...
at anyrate, while i do accept, appreciate, and embrace who i am...
there are quite a lot of times i don't like myself or how i act.
ah well.
i don't like how often i talk about myself on this blog.
well, i suppose in review of last week and my reactions it's understandable.
and since most of my frustration tends to be about myself...
it only makes sense.
i have a dinner date with one of my 'freshman mentors,' she's nice, but i shall be social acting. i know she means well, but she's also one of the people that wanted to talk to me simply because my boyfriend and i broke up last week. aside from that i'm not the kind of person that can just spill to everyone and everyone... unless it has just happened, yesterday. but still. couldn't do that. i barely know her... and just... perhaps the other mentor woudl understand. yet all the same, i shall be a stoic, strong, INTJ and not let out the small, INFP with strong INTJ tendencies that wears her jacket and pulls her sleeves over her hands to make an attempt at a portable introvert corner that speaks quietly and shows more wen i'm in pain... but the INTJ says that's not alright, and ignores the INFP.
but i like the small, shy me that tries to hide, tugs her sleeves over her hands, that may get uncomfortable but just isn't used to things, that likes to curl up in a blanket with a pillow and think about life, read anne of green gables on a rainy day on a bench outside, have a warm cup of soup to hold onto, has a stuffed cow to hold when she's happy... or not... or is carried off in a spring breeze... the one that finds their eyes shining at the sight of snow or a red leaf in a clear, frozen puddle...
i just can't be that right now or i'll never let this all go.
and aside from that, the small, shy me that can't quite let things out... well, not everyone likes it like i do. and when that happens i start turning to more social acting... it takes me long enough to be comfortable enough for the small shy one anyhow...
i also tend to act that way when i'm not strong enough to show a strong persona. i'm quiet. and... *sigh* quiet demeanor indeed.
i wonder how many people of the world are simply social actors... what they hide... if they hide...
if they wonder about other people...
perhaps so much of my observation is why i tend to read people... unless they are forcibly trying not to be read, or are simply good actors.
at anyrate.
"INTJs are able to leave relationships when they're over, and get on with their lives. They believe that this is the right thing to do. They may have more difficulty accomplishing the task than they like to exhibit to other people."
you've got that right.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
a fractured warring soul's take on life...
"Clear our thought and calm our feeling,
still the fractured, warring soul."
went to visit a friend's church today, they had very traditional hymns and i found 'Silence frenzied unclean spirit' to be quite fitting indeed to me...
"Silence! frenzied, unclean spirit,"
cried God's healing, holy One.
"Cease your ranting! Flesh can't bear it.
Flee as night before the sun."
At Christ's voice the demon trembled,
from its victim madly rushed,
while the crowd that was assembled
stood in wonder, stunned and hushed.
Lord, the demons still are thriving
in the grey cells of the mind:
tyrant voices, shrill and driving,
twisted thoughts that grip and bind,
doubts that stir the heart to panic,
fears distorting reason's sight,
guilt that makes our loving frantic,
dreams that cloud the soul with fright.
Silence, Lord, the unclean spirit,
in our mind and in our heart.
Speak your word that when we hear it
all our demons shall depart.
Clear our thought and calm our feeling,
still the fractured, warring soul.
By the power of your healing
make us faithful, true and whole.
quite a lovely hymn. I often wonder if modern worship songs tell of as much brokeness, or if anyone sings the old hymns with thought in mind to the full reality of the words.
i suppose no one realizes words nowadays...
i enjoyed this song. the demons of my own mind are still 'thriving' yet my 'fractured warring soul' is battling the tyrant voices, shrill and driving, twisted thoughts that grip and bind, doubts that stir the heart to panic, fears distorting reason's sight, guilt that makes our loving frantic, dreams that cloud the soul with fright' as they ever have.
fractured warring soul.
i love that line.
today the service i went to was at a denominatin that i am familiar with as i work at a camp affiliated with it, so i knew enough to wonder why i had brought my Bible at all as the sermon would be a speech that incorperated God. today's topic was, ironicaly, about the 'sound of silence.'
hmm.
at anyrate, it was talked about how we are not silent and listening, we fill our lives with noise and never stop. we fill our lives with noise to not face dilusions or voices that lie to us, the preacher used all instances of outward and external things like racism, sexism, the need to have worldly riches, etc. i was sitting with the choir (had been roped into it, albeit not unwillingly) thinking that the lack of internal things of silence was... uncanny.
how many people live internal lives?
is a balance not necessary?
i live all inside... i need to live outside aswell.
but silence... it rings many people to face themselves. it's uncomfortable.
i have difficulty with silence with other people as i'm used to bein on my own and feeling the world around me, thinking of the birds, the trees, the chirstmas lights in my dorm room that look lovely and the photos on my wall of things many people do not notice... the combination of thinking and feeling is whole there.
in the silence.
add another person and i'm thrown through a loop.
not a good thing.
at anyrate, while the sermon was albout silence... yes, it was about listening for God. yet people do not know their own personal being... people need to learn to listen for God on their own. and to be their own person. truely. yet what are we any more?
when 'dilusions' or 'voices' you have in your mind was brought up and listed, i was waiting to hear 'self-criticism,' 'lack of self-worth,' 'confusion,' and other such things that i struggle with.
but no.
the only things listed were focused externally.
what's wrong with being internal from time to time?
how are you to know who..
haha, well, i haven't the slightest notion as to who i am.
i have been asked that.
'who are you, Lindsay?'
well, the last... and only, rather, person to ask that ultimatly did not care for how internal i was.
at anyrate, i wonder at how we can act like this society is so individualized... but we wish to be just the same as anyone else.
as for me, i want to be my own person...
but when i'm the focus of attention...
i have no idea what to do... i think something must not be right, no one pays attention to me unless it's negative, and so i associated attention with it being negative, and therefore am kind of uncomfortable and feel like i must do something else. doesn't mean i think the attnetion is negative. but the reaction is conditioned.
the birds are singing out my window...
^_^
during sunday school, a small 3-person gathering that we had plenty of good discussion in (when was the last time i had that with anyone save myself... great scot too long. ah well. i'm more used to never than occasionaly.)and the birds were singing... i could hear them so clearly...
yet the room had stained-glass windows.
lovely indeed, but to feel the air through my memory of the morning and hear the birds sing it almost pained me to not see them...
such a beautiful day...
haha, "the birds, air, and trees sing a symphony that whistles through the leaves..."
i don't know if i made the line up or if i remembered a few words and pieced it together as i thought flowed best, yet my heart was out there whistling through the leaves...
and everytime i think i'm alright i remember what happened last week and get nauteous. i do not know why... should have never happened.
i may not know the reason why.
and there is ineed a reason, i still just wish it hadn't happened.
at anyrate, i had one of my discussions with God about it. i asked him to name me one good reason why it should have happened.
what did He say?
"because I told it to."
silence... and then i muttered back that it still shouldn't have happened. almost spitefully. but God knows me well enough that he enjoys laughing at me at all the right times, it cheers me at anyrate ^_^ haha, the looks He gave me when i first started letting myself like that guy. and i would roll my eyes and try not to smile. but when i did God would smile bigger. and make me smile more. heh.
yes, i definatly was not on my own enough these past few months.
i need to find a balance one of these days...
but at the moment spring is so enticing...
even when the world passes me by, the daisies laugh with me and i stand in awe of the rain as it cleanses the earth, and in turn, me.
i find it odd that in all that has troubled me in life, i can chin up and say 'there's a reason and it has made me stronger. i cannot see the full canvas, just the dark or light strokes that are painted as i go along' yet for this... i just wish it had never happened. but i can't help that. in a month maybe i'll have learned from it or see why it was there. maybe i'll never see why it was there.
but at the moment i just feel that i'd rather it not happened.
maybe the whole thing me having trouble admitting that another person can hurt me.
i take it on myself.
because i can never, ever, give someone the power to hurt me. even if they do hurt, it makes me stronger so i still win.
in this case there is no winning on any side.
so what do i do?
i don't know.
but until then i'll chip, gnaw, and kick whatever feelings are left over until the whimper and crawl away.
sounds harsh.
but oh so fitting.
i don't want them there. there is no need of them.
whimper away.
and leave me be.
would have been easier if they weren't there in the first place.
-EDIT-
you know, i like the times i'm able to disregard that i ever liked him. and i think that is the route i shall take, acknowledgement and disregard.
and get on with life.
granted, I never quite liked him, he was just the first person to like me and my mind wanted to let such feelings out that had never had a chance to play...
and even though i feel nothing like that for the kid (most of the time. i'm getting closer.) it's still akward to be around him. ah well, time i suppose.
it feels nice when i can forget ^_^ shall be wonderful when i haven't any of those feelings, i'm excited actually. go back to how it was, and all shall be well with the world.
in the meantime,
SPRING!
spring feels wonderful, it reminds me of who i am.
still the fractured, warring soul."
went to visit a friend's church today, they had very traditional hymns and i found 'Silence frenzied unclean spirit' to be quite fitting indeed to me...
"Silence! frenzied, unclean spirit,"
cried God's healing, holy One.
"Cease your ranting! Flesh can't bear it.
Flee as night before the sun."
At Christ's voice the demon trembled,
from its victim madly rushed,
while the crowd that was assembled
stood in wonder, stunned and hushed.
Lord, the demons still are thriving
in the grey cells of the mind:
tyrant voices, shrill and driving,
twisted thoughts that grip and bind,
doubts that stir the heart to panic,
fears distorting reason's sight,
guilt that makes our loving frantic,
dreams that cloud the soul with fright.
Silence, Lord, the unclean spirit,
in our mind and in our heart.
Speak your word that when we hear it
all our demons shall depart.
Clear our thought and calm our feeling,
still the fractured, warring soul.
By the power of your healing
make us faithful, true and whole.
quite a lovely hymn. I often wonder if modern worship songs tell of as much brokeness, or if anyone sings the old hymns with thought in mind to the full reality of the words.
i suppose no one realizes words nowadays...
i enjoyed this song. the demons of my own mind are still 'thriving' yet my 'fractured warring soul' is battling the tyrant voices, shrill and driving, twisted thoughts that grip and bind, doubts that stir the heart to panic, fears distorting reason's sight, guilt that makes our loving frantic, dreams that cloud the soul with fright' as they ever have.
fractured warring soul.
i love that line.
today the service i went to was at a denominatin that i am familiar with as i work at a camp affiliated with it, so i knew enough to wonder why i had brought my Bible at all as the sermon would be a speech that incorperated God. today's topic was, ironicaly, about the 'sound of silence.'
hmm.
at anyrate, it was talked about how we are not silent and listening, we fill our lives with noise and never stop. we fill our lives with noise to not face dilusions or voices that lie to us, the preacher used all instances of outward and external things like racism, sexism, the need to have worldly riches, etc. i was sitting with the choir (had been roped into it, albeit not unwillingly) thinking that the lack of internal things of silence was... uncanny.
how many people live internal lives?
is a balance not necessary?
i live all inside... i need to live outside aswell.
but silence... it rings many people to face themselves. it's uncomfortable.
i have difficulty with silence with other people as i'm used to bein on my own and feeling the world around me, thinking of the birds, the trees, the chirstmas lights in my dorm room that look lovely and the photos on my wall of things many people do not notice... the combination of thinking and feeling is whole there.
in the silence.
add another person and i'm thrown through a loop.
not a good thing.
at anyrate, while the sermon was albout silence... yes, it was about listening for God. yet people do not know their own personal being... people need to learn to listen for God on their own. and to be their own person. truely. yet what are we any more?
when 'dilusions' or 'voices' you have in your mind was brought up and listed, i was waiting to hear 'self-criticism,' 'lack of self-worth,' 'confusion,' and other such things that i struggle with.
but no.
the only things listed were focused externally.
what's wrong with being internal from time to time?
how are you to know who..
haha, well, i haven't the slightest notion as to who i am.
i have been asked that.
'who are you, Lindsay?'
well, the last... and only, rather, person to ask that ultimatly did not care for how internal i was.
at anyrate, i wonder at how we can act like this society is so individualized... but we wish to be just the same as anyone else.
as for me, i want to be my own person...
but when i'm the focus of attention...
i have no idea what to do... i think something must not be right, no one pays attention to me unless it's negative, and so i associated attention with it being negative, and therefore am kind of uncomfortable and feel like i must do something else. doesn't mean i think the attnetion is negative. but the reaction is conditioned.
the birds are singing out my window...
^_^
during sunday school, a small 3-person gathering that we had plenty of good discussion in (when was the last time i had that with anyone save myself... great scot too long. ah well. i'm more used to never than occasionaly.)and the birds were singing... i could hear them so clearly...
yet the room had stained-glass windows.
lovely indeed, but to feel the air through my memory of the morning and hear the birds sing it almost pained me to not see them...
such a beautiful day...
haha, "the birds, air, and trees sing a symphony that whistles through the leaves..."
i don't know if i made the line up or if i remembered a few words and pieced it together as i thought flowed best, yet my heart was out there whistling through the leaves...
and everytime i think i'm alright i remember what happened last week and get nauteous. i do not know why... should have never happened.
i may not know the reason why.
and there is ineed a reason, i still just wish it hadn't happened.
at anyrate, i had one of my discussions with God about it. i asked him to name me one good reason why it should have happened.
what did He say?
"because I told it to."
silence... and then i muttered back that it still shouldn't have happened. almost spitefully. but God knows me well enough that he enjoys laughing at me at all the right times, it cheers me at anyrate ^_^ haha, the looks He gave me when i first started letting myself like that guy. and i would roll my eyes and try not to smile. but when i did God would smile bigger. and make me smile more. heh.
yes, i definatly was not on my own enough these past few months.
i need to find a balance one of these days...
but at the moment spring is so enticing...
even when the world passes me by, the daisies laugh with me and i stand in awe of the rain as it cleanses the earth, and in turn, me.
i find it odd that in all that has troubled me in life, i can chin up and say 'there's a reason and it has made me stronger. i cannot see the full canvas, just the dark or light strokes that are painted as i go along' yet for this... i just wish it had never happened. but i can't help that. in a month maybe i'll have learned from it or see why it was there. maybe i'll never see why it was there.
but at the moment i just feel that i'd rather it not happened.
maybe the whole thing me having trouble admitting that another person can hurt me.
i take it on myself.
because i can never, ever, give someone the power to hurt me. even if they do hurt, it makes me stronger so i still win.
in this case there is no winning on any side.
so what do i do?
i don't know.
but until then i'll chip, gnaw, and kick whatever feelings are left over until the whimper and crawl away.
sounds harsh.
but oh so fitting.
i don't want them there. there is no need of them.
whimper away.
and leave me be.
would have been easier if they weren't there in the first place.
-EDIT-
you know, i like the times i'm able to disregard that i ever liked him. and i think that is the route i shall take, acknowledgement and disregard.
and get on with life.
granted, I never quite liked him, he was just the first person to like me and my mind wanted to let such feelings out that had never had a chance to play...
and even though i feel nothing like that for the kid (most of the time. i'm getting closer.) it's still akward to be around him. ah well, time i suppose.
it feels nice when i can forget ^_^ shall be wonderful when i haven't any of those feelings, i'm excited actually. go back to how it was, and all shall be well with the world.
in the meantime,
SPRING!
spring feels wonderful, it reminds me of who i am.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
They won’t pay a cent to hear you laughing
They might pay a little to hear you cry
If you do it long enough, they might even pay attention
But they still won’t pay respect until you die...
Jon Foreman.
perfect as usual.
random:
people here want to talk to me and see how i'm doing now.
after the events wednesday.
so it takes a broken relationship for my friends to want to talk to me outside of class/choir/dinner/musical practice?
i suppose that it would help if i would reach out and talk to people outside of those times... hmm...
ah, to be an introvert. *note sarcasm
haha, well,
ah to be an introvert now that apring is here...
that, my friends, is a wonderful thing.
i think it's a fair trade. you receive a rich inner mind. yet lack the thought to reach outside.
most definatly something that i need to work on.
yet at the moment i lack the will, as spring is so wonderful and i haven't any friends that i need to open up to... no one that wants to be opened up to. so why bother?
HAHAHA.
i wam watching House. the show.
and someone says to house: 'you're alone, you've always been alone. i'm your best friend and i don't even know how your head works'
i may not be athiestic, narcissistic, and obsessed about myself as House is, but i understand.
and i want to watch the hockey game that's on now but if i do i'll feel sick.
oh, the rest of that song by jon foreman i quoted...
Life is a gift like fresh cut roses
Cut from the branch and brought inside
It’s a slow contradiction that’s beauty in a vase
When the chords are cut, it’s when we start to die
Lately death and life get so confusing
I can’t tell the difference here tonight
Lately every breath feels like I’m kissing death
And when time is dead I cease to be alive
If you hide yourself, deep inside, deep inside
In time you’ve got nothing left to hide
There’s nothing left inside
Tonight, honey I’m going to break your heart
Mine was broken was broken from the start, broken from the start
Choice is the only thing we’re given
For one will live, another dies
One road says hello, the others says goodbye
And the roads that you don’t choose begin to die
If you hide yourself, deep inside
Deep inside
In time you’ve got nothing left to hide
It dries up inside
Tonight, honey, I’m going to break your heart
Mine was broken was broken from the start, broken from the start
They won’t pay a cent to hear you laughing
They might pay a little to hear you cry
If you do it long enough, they might even pay attention
But they still won’t pay respect until you die
If you hide yourself, deep inside
Deep inside
In time you’ve got nothing left to hide
It’s all dead inside
Tonight, honey, I’m going to break your heart
Mine was broken was broken from the start, broken from the start
If you do it long enough, they might even pay attention
But they still won’t pay respect until you die...
Jon Foreman.
perfect as usual.
random:
people here want to talk to me and see how i'm doing now.
after the events wednesday.
so it takes a broken relationship for my friends to want to talk to me outside of class/choir/dinner/musical practice?
i suppose that it would help if i would reach out and talk to people outside of those times... hmm...
ah, to be an introvert. *note sarcasm
haha, well,
ah to be an introvert now that apring is here...
that, my friends, is a wonderful thing.
i think it's a fair trade. you receive a rich inner mind. yet lack the thought to reach outside.
most definatly something that i need to work on.
yet at the moment i lack the will, as spring is so wonderful and i haven't any friends that i need to open up to... no one that wants to be opened up to. so why bother?
HAHAHA.
i wam watching House. the show.
and someone says to house: 'you're alone, you've always been alone. i'm your best friend and i don't even know how your head works'
i may not be athiestic, narcissistic, and obsessed about myself as House is, but i understand.
and i want to watch the hockey game that's on now but if i do i'll feel sick.
oh, the rest of that song by jon foreman i quoted...
Life is a gift like fresh cut roses
Cut from the branch and brought inside
It’s a slow contradiction that’s beauty in a vase
When the chords are cut, it’s when we start to die
Lately death and life get so confusing
I can’t tell the difference here tonight
Lately every breath feels like I’m kissing death
And when time is dead I cease to be alive
If you hide yourself, deep inside, deep inside
In time you’ve got nothing left to hide
There’s nothing left inside
Tonight, honey I’m going to break your heart
Mine was broken was broken from the start, broken from the start
Choice is the only thing we’re given
For one will live, another dies
One road says hello, the others says goodbye
And the roads that you don’t choose begin to die
If you hide yourself, deep inside
Deep inside
In time you’ve got nothing left to hide
It dries up inside
Tonight, honey, I’m going to break your heart
Mine was broken was broken from the start, broken from the start
They won’t pay a cent to hear you laughing
They might pay a little to hear you cry
If you do it long enough, they might even pay attention
But they still won’t pay respect until you die
If you hide yourself, deep inside
Deep inside
In time you’ve got nothing left to hide
It’s all dead inside
Tonight, honey, I’m going to break your heart
Mine was broken was broken from the start, broken from the start
Friday, February 18, 2011
random post, read if you're bored and have nothing better to do. or not.
"INTJs are able to leave relationships when they're over, and get on with their lives. They believe that this is the right thing to do. They may have more difficulty accomplishing the task than they like to exhibit to other people."
heh, haha, ummm...
dang. i've been caught.
well, i can and have moved on. i guess.
i suppose a lot of it is resentment for me for letting it happen in the first place and for him for ever liking me.
i wish so much that had not happened.
i hope my mom doesn't ask me any freakin' questions about this whenever i manage to get home...
"The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations. This can be a real problem for INFPs who are involved with persons who have Thinking and Judging preferences. "TJ"s relate to others with a objective, decisive attitude that frequently shows an opinion on the topic of conversation. If the opinion is negative, the TJ's attitude may be threatening to the INFP, who will tend to respond emotionally to the negativity and be vaguely but emphatically convinced that the negativity is somehow the INFP's fault."
...but i'm both!
dang, i'm a recipe for a disastrous self-image...
"In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely"
...but only internally...
"INFP...
Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders"
yes. Yes. YES. and YES.
"INTJ... Tend to hold back part of themselves "
YES.
"INTJs are usually difficult to get to know well, and difficult to get close to."
try insanely. and no one is patient enough or cares. thankfully, INFP's internally feel their life intensely.
heh, haha, ummm...
dang. i've been caught.
well, i can and have moved on. i guess.
i suppose a lot of it is resentment for me for letting it happen in the first place and for him for ever liking me.
i wish so much that had not happened.
i hope my mom doesn't ask me any freakin' questions about this whenever i manage to get home...
"The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations. This can be a real problem for INFPs who are involved with persons who have Thinking and Judging preferences. "TJ"s relate to others with a objective, decisive attitude that frequently shows an opinion on the topic of conversation. If the opinion is negative, the TJ's attitude may be threatening to the INFP, who will tend to respond emotionally to the negativity and be vaguely but emphatically convinced that the negativity is somehow the INFP's fault."
...but i'm both!
dang, i'm a recipe for a disastrous self-image...
"In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely"
...but only internally...
"INFP...
Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders"
yes. Yes. YES. and YES.
"INTJ... Tend to hold back part of themselves "
YES.
"INTJs are usually difficult to get to know well, and difficult to get close to."
try insanely. and no one is patient enough or cares. thankfully, INFP's internally feel their life intensely.
the life inside a snowglobe...
you know, today as i walk along and breathe the cool air, the kind with a promise of spring yet with winter's icy grasp trying to prolong it's hold, i can't help but think i'm better inside my own closed flower. 'tis quite wondrous.
however, i do forget that i live in spring. and summer. and fall. mainly spring and fall.
winter... i do when it snows... but i am inside a good deal and fighting the cold when i am outside. i think i'm not nearly as me as other seasons... oh well, what can i say.
even in 'my' seasons, i have an exceedingly difficult time living in front of people. in the snowglobe so much goes on... i've never really lived out of it. and today i almost wished i could always be on my own...
always...
and i did wish it so.
but that's not good for anyone.
anyone.
i still notice that whenever people come into my dorm they're looking for my room mate.
i still notice that i have many good friends that do stuff together in the evenings and yet i'm never invited.
the only thing that gets to me is when people complain that they never do anything with their friends and are always alone on the weekends.
...ummm...
try doing that for your entire life.
thankfully, introvert corner has a comfortable blanket and pillow and is an excellant place to read a book.
perhaps i have not been on my own enough these past few months.
ah, to be at camp... sitting around the campfire late into the night... campers asleep... watching the stars and feeding the fire you have nursed all evening...
clear stars...
the fireflies by the aframes...
pitch dark and diamonds flashing all around you, diamonds twinkling in the sky...
you know, when i was smaller and would go outside to take care of the dogs after a long, long day of having insults thrown at me, my flaws being put in my face (of course i do that to myself now. i do somethign the slightest bit wrong and i get nauteous. everyone else forgets. i don't. ever.) and i lay down in the snow. make a snow angel. revel in being alone, think of how i've never had anyone to build a snowman or have a snowball fight with. and talk to the stars. God put the constellations there to be my friends, to be illluminated further by the glowing snow around me. to somehow not diminish with the brights moon and whisps of cloud that clothed it... haha, orion as an older brother... each star being the only worldly thing that cared for me...
this is the inside of my tightly clasped mind. the expanse is endless...
and i'd almost rather stay in it.
perhaps spring will help me open up... i doubt it will... but... one can hope?
haha,
'you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart'
my heart may be low, my head may be feigned high, but mostly i hang my head while my heart soars with the birds.
'blessed are the poor in spirit...'
the 'poor in spirit' i find have the most spirit... they are just the ones eternally downcast.
'with downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive...'
there's a bird singing out my window...
i hope that wherever i live when i 'grow up' persay has plenty of land around it... i want to sit on my back porch in a porch swing and watch the birds at a bird feeder. watch the clouds float by. listen to the music in the trees with a slight breeze occasionaly catching a nicely toned wind chime.
and i enjoy it all inside my tightly clasped mind.
perhaps one day i shall open up and remain so.
heh, that shall be difficult...
you know, i find myself the best sort of person when in pain.
i find myself the best sort of person when i'm living.
i find myself living when i'm in pain.
i find myelf living when it's spring...
why not combine it all at once, haha!
just as long as i can live without the pain... as long as i can be me without it...
because for a long time that was all i was. i still find myself there.
it adds a deep aspect to life. helps you to live more fully, sets the good things higher in your heart, gives them more depth.
i don't always have to hold my head higher than my heart...
and thankfully my heart can feel pain and be carried by the breeze at the same time.
however, i do forget that i live in spring. and summer. and fall. mainly spring and fall.
winter... i do when it snows... but i am inside a good deal and fighting the cold when i am outside. i think i'm not nearly as me as other seasons... oh well, what can i say.
even in 'my' seasons, i have an exceedingly difficult time living in front of people. in the snowglobe so much goes on... i've never really lived out of it. and today i almost wished i could always be on my own...
always...
and i did wish it so.
but that's not good for anyone.
anyone.
i still notice that whenever people come into my dorm they're looking for my room mate.
i still notice that i have many good friends that do stuff together in the evenings and yet i'm never invited.
the only thing that gets to me is when people complain that they never do anything with their friends and are always alone on the weekends.
...ummm...
try doing that for your entire life.
thankfully, introvert corner has a comfortable blanket and pillow and is an excellant place to read a book.
perhaps i have not been on my own enough these past few months.
ah, to be at camp... sitting around the campfire late into the night... campers asleep... watching the stars and feeding the fire you have nursed all evening...
clear stars...
the fireflies by the aframes...
pitch dark and diamonds flashing all around you, diamonds twinkling in the sky...
you know, when i was smaller and would go outside to take care of the dogs after a long, long day of having insults thrown at me, my flaws being put in my face (of course i do that to myself now. i do somethign the slightest bit wrong and i get nauteous. everyone else forgets. i don't. ever.) and i lay down in the snow. make a snow angel. revel in being alone, think of how i've never had anyone to build a snowman or have a snowball fight with. and talk to the stars. God put the constellations there to be my friends, to be illluminated further by the glowing snow around me. to somehow not diminish with the brights moon and whisps of cloud that clothed it... haha, orion as an older brother... each star being the only worldly thing that cared for me...
this is the inside of my tightly clasped mind. the expanse is endless...
and i'd almost rather stay in it.
perhaps spring will help me open up... i doubt it will... but... one can hope?
haha,
'you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart'
my heart may be low, my head may be feigned high, but mostly i hang my head while my heart soars with the birds.
'blessed are the poor in spirit...'
the 'poor in spirit' i find have the most spirit... they are just the ones eternally downcast.
'with downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive...'
there's a bird singing out my window...
i hope that wherever i live when i 'grow up' persay has plenty of land around it... i want to sit on my back porch in a porch swing and watch the birds at a bird feeder. watch the clouds float by. listen to the music in the trees with a slight breeze occasionaly catching a nicely toned wind chime.
and i enjoy it all inside my tightly clasped mind.
perhaps one day i shall open up and remain so.
heh, that shall be difficult...
you know, i find myself the best sort of person when in pain.
i find myself the best sort of person when i'm living.
i find myself living when i'm in pain.
i find myelf living when it's spring...
why not combine it all at once, haha!
just as long as i can live without the pain... as long as i can be me without it...
because for a long time that was all i was. i still find myself there.
it adds a deep aspect to life. helps you to live more fully, sets the good things higher in your heart, gives them more depth.
i don't always have to hold my head higher than my heart...
and thankfully my heart can feel pain and be carried by the breeze at the same time.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
you are what you breathe... (literally and metaphoricaly)
you know, the weather was wonderful today and yesterday. splendid.
God knows what weather to give me what weather i need.
if anyone was born of the wind and grown among the trees...
i would hope it was... or could be... me.
...yes, i came up with that on my own. i'm a weird INFP/INTJ hybrid. (later review- INTP! Why did it take so long to figure that out...)
i love being outside... feels so alive...
everything is living and you're the one that needs revived.
the clouds look more real than you,
and the leaves rustle your song as you breathe in and feel the air with your entire being.
i love spring.
ah, jack johnson music... spring and fall, rainy days, rustling leaves, shining stars, sunsets where the pink fades into blue in a magical way... embodied.
and i hope that i am that aswell.
God knows what weather to give me what weather i need.
if anyone was born of the wind and grown among the trees...
i would hope it was... or could be... me.
...yes, i came up with that on my own. i'm a weird INFP/INTJ hybrid. (later review- INTP! Why did it take so long to figure that out...)
i love being outside... feels so alive...
everything is living and you're the one that needs revived.
the clouds look more real than you,
and the leaves rustle your song as you breathe in and feel the air with your entire being.
i love spring.
ah, jack johnson music... spring and fall, rainy days, rustling leaves, shining stars, sunsets where the pink fades into blue in a magical way... embodied.
and i hope that i am that aswell.
-stupid mundane girly problems warning-
Ecclesiasties 4:9-10
"Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their eforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up."
i am, as usual, the one who has fallen without another to lift me up.
so...
I try to get used to leaning on someone.
and fail.
it takes me so long to open up...
so long...
communication?
i'm not good at it. it takes me a long time to be so and no one wishes to wait that long. i have many friends, but none that i run to. i'm not used to running to people. at all. i've been through so much without anyone... so much... i pretty much have to be drug into talking, and even then it's hard for me to say anything. after the fact i think 'why didn't you say it stupid!'
and then you try to open up to someone. you crack a little.
just a little. but not enough. and there's nothing you can do about that.
they may throw around phrases like you're so different (poor excuse, but i suppose the 'differences' came in miscommunication...) and communication... (...communication. really? great scot...) but in the end those are poor excuses when you think about it. trying to put names to it and quite thoroughly pointing out your flaws without them intending to do so. of course you will think it's your fault. that's what you have been conditioned to do.
and even if you had been on the fence about how you felt about this person at first... well, you actually realize you had always been on the fence. but you chin up. because you're strong. you shut those feelings away and forget about them the best you can. and even though they had made promises you knew they shouldn't have made from the time they were said, you forgive them. because what needs to happen needs to happen. and i can see that.
and hey you, don't dispute how i downplay myself. don't say it's not my fault. don't hurt me by letting me know how wonderful i am. how attractive i am. how smart i am. i can't hear that from you. i can't.
i.
can't.
don't even think of it.
you forced, forced me out and then threw me back in.
and if a person likes you in a relationship sense from the time they meet you, you are great friends for several months, start dating, and then it's over and they want to be best friends again... what worth was the initial friendship? at anyrate, back to introvert corner i go. and i feel bad that i let the relationship happen in the first place. i guess i just went along with it. we should have just stayed friends as i first wanted to- especially if it was to end like this. skip the in between. then we could still be friends, i'm left without ever having a relationship, and all is well with the world. and i never would have been excited for valentine's day for once in my life. then with how he was acting... i was worried. rightfully so. i'm too damn good at reading people... but not good at...
just not good enough.
just not good enough.
i can't reach out to people. i just can't... i have to be found. few people know that. fewer try.
i had told God the other day that it had been a while since i had been through something difficult... through something that hurt... haha, i should have thought a bit more before i said that!
him saying i was immature in relationships but more mature in life, ha, what, because i wouldn't kiss him? hell no!
i feel like a stupid girl. which is what got me into this in the first place.
since he wants to be friends again it may aswell have never happened. then the upcoming musical wouldn't be akward. i wouldn't be stupidly trying not to cry all day tomorrow when i didn't even like him that much.
i know it would hurt him to hear.
but i wish it had never happened.
i somehow knew it wouldn't last... i'm always right.
i wish it had never happened.
so life could go on.
which it will.
but it would be easier.
and i would still have a best friend.
because i haven' many of those.
and no one really cares to get to know me anyway.
so i'll just sit here with my favorite stuffed cow and retreat to introvert corner as the stupid girl cries and the hardened, weathered Lindsay says i shouldn't have let it happen and goes on as if there was nothing.
i wish it had never happened.
----edit----
an hour later and i can't go to sleep.
and i hate that i feel this way.
because it changes nothing.
so why bother feeling it.
i won't.
"Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their eforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up."
i am, as usual, the one who has fallen without another to lift me up.
so...
I try to get used to leaning on someone.
and fail.
it takes me so long to open up...
so long...
communication?
i'm not good at it. it takes me a long time to be so and no one wishes to wait that long. i have many friends, but none that i run to. i'm not used to running to people. at all. i've been through so much without anyone... so much... i pretty much have to be drug into talking, and even then it's hard for me to say anything. after the fact i think 'why didn't you say it stupid!'
and then you try to open up to someone. you crack a little.
just a little. but not enough. and there's nothing you can do about that.
they may throw around phrases like you're so different (poor excuse, but i suppose the 'differences' came in miscommunication...) and communication... (...communication. really? great scot...) but in the end those are poor excuses when you think about it. trying to put names to it and quite thoroughly pointing out your flaws without them intending to do so. of course you will think it's your fault. that's what you have been conditioned to do.
and even if you had been on the fence about how you felt about this person at first... well, you actually realize you had always been on the fence. but you chin up. because you're strong. you shut those feelings away and forget about them the best you can. and even though they had made promises you knew they shouldn't have made from the time they were said, you forgive them. because what needs to happen needs to happen. and i can see that.
and hey you, don't dispute how i downplay myself. don't say it's not my fault. don't hurt me by letting me know how wonderful i am. how attractive i am. how smart i am. i can't hear that from you. i can't.
i.
can't.
don't even think of it.
you forced, forced me out and then threw me back in.
and if a person likes you in a relationship sense from the time they meet you, you are great friends for several months, start dating, and then it's over and they want to be best friends again... what worth was the initial friendship? at anyrate, back to introvert corner i go. and i feel bad that i let the relationship happen in the first place. i guess i just went along with it. we should have just stayed friends as i first wanted to- especially if it was to end like this. skip the in between. then we could still be friends, i'm left without ever having a relationship, and all is well with the world. and i never would have been excited for valentine's day for once in my life. then with how he was acting... i was worried. rightfully so. i'm too damn good at reading people... but not good at...
just not good enough.
just not good enough.
i can't reach out to people. i just can't... i have to be found. few people know that. fewer try.
i had told God the other day that it had been a while since i had been through something difficult... through something that hurt... haha, i should have thought a bit more before i said that!
him saying i was immature in relationships but more mature in life, ha, what, because i wouldn't kiss him? hell no!
i feel like a stupid girl. which is what got me into this in the first place.
since he wants to be friends again it may aswell have never happened. then the upcoming musical wouldn't be akward. i wouldn't be stupidly trying not to cry all day tomorrow when i didn't even like him that much.
i know it would hurt him to hear.
but i wish it had never happened.
i somehow knew it wouldn't last... i'm always right.
i wish it had never happened.
so life could go on.
which it will.
but it would be easier.
and i would still have a best friend.
because i haven' many of those.
and no one really cares to get to know me anyway.
so i'll just sit here with my favorite stuffed cow and retreat to introvert corner as the stupid girl cries and the hardened, weathered Lindsay says i shouldn't have let it happen and goes on as if there was nothing.
i wish it had never happened.
----edit----
an hour later and i can't go to sleep.
and i hate that i feel this way.
because it changes nothing.
so why bother feeling it.
i won't.
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