you know, i think the most difficult thing about this whole escapade is that in my past 19 years i've learned to never show the one that hurt you that you are hurt at all. it's simply not done. it's not acknowledged.
you act as if nothing happened.
or as if it never bothered you.
may be the best way to get around people attacking you verbally and you getting hurt, but this is different yet i'm still having the same reactions.
and it's especially odd when that person is trying to help you.
i really can't stand all of that bringing me down. to me it's not as legit of a reason... i haven't been attacked. my self worth isn't threatened. well, if it is then it is my fault... i'm just programed to think it's my fault.
and for this... it doesn't seem like something to fight through. i fight through the rest of it. fight so hard... there isn't anything to triumph over here.
just to let go.
i've never had to not fight before.
sure i need to get rid of the feelings, and i'm fighting those out of my system.
but it's not the same.
not the same.
what do you do when you can't fight...
and fighting is all you have known?
i suppose i'm still swimming to the surface... i break to the surface and bob at the top every now and then, but somehow fall back... only to fight for the surface once again.
today in intercultural communications we were sent out in pairs to certain places on campus to discuss the environmental context. a friend from directing II class and i trekked to the library, talking as we went.
well, according to her, i am allowed to be pissed as long as i like, at least i never kissed him, and i am a 'hottie' and need to realize it.
...?
ha!
at anyrate, it was good talking to her. even though it felt odd talking to her about such things in the middle of a library even though i didn't know what few people were there... i don't know her too well, but she's easy to talk to and cares enough to ask actual questions..
hopefully i can relax...
swim
the resolution
a good song to let go to... perfect... ah, what i listen to when i need to wake up. and get going. and when i need to... when i need to remember that i'm alive, i don't need a witness to know that i survive... i'm not looking for forgiveness...
and then life is good.
perhaps not good so much as...
alive.
doesn't matter what life is like when you're alive.
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