you know, today as i walk along and breathe the cool air, the kind with a promise of spring yet with winter's icy grasp trying to prolong it's hold, i can't help but think i'm better inside my own closed flower. 'tis quite wondrous.
however, i do forget that i live in spring. and summer. and fall. mainly spring and fall.
winter... i do when it snows... but i am inside a good deal and fighting the cold when i am outside. i think i'm not nearly as me as other seasons... oh well, what can i say.
even in 'my' seasons, i have an exceedingly difficult time living in front of people. in the snowglobe so much goes on... i've never really lived out of it. and today i almost wished i could always be on my own...
always...
and i did wish it so.
but that's not good for anyone.
anyone.
i still notice that whenever people come into my dorm they're looking for my room mate.
i still notice that i have many good friends that do stuff together in the evenings and yet i'm never invited.
the only thing that gets to me is when people complain that they never do anything with their friends and are always alone on the weekends.
...ummm...
try doing that for your entire life.
thankfully, introvert corner has a comfortable blanket and pillow and is an excellant place to read a book.
perhaps i have not been on my own enough these past few months.
ah, to be at camp... sitting around the campfire late into the night... campers asleep... watching the stars and feeding the fire you have nursed all evening...
clear stars...
the fireflies by the aframes...
pitch dark and diamonds flashing all around you, diamonds twinkling in the sky...
you know, when i was smaller and would go outside to take care of the dogs after a long, long day of having insults thrown at me, my flaws being put in my face (of course i do that to myself now. i do somethign the slightest bit wrong and i get nauteous. everyone else forgets. i don't. ever.) and i lay down in the snow. make a snow angel. revel in being alone, think of how i've never had anyone to build a snowman or have a snowball fight with. and talk to the stars. God put the constellations there to be my friends, to be illluminated further by the glowing snow around me. to somehow not diminish with the brights moon and whisps of cloud that clothed it... haha, orion as an older brother... each star being the only worldly thing that cared for me...
this is the inside of my tightly clasped mind. the expanse is endless...
and i'd almost rather stay in it.
perhaps spring will help me open up... i doubt it will... but... one can hope?
haha,
'you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart'
my heart may be low, my head may be feigned high, but mostly i hang my head while my heart soars with the birds.
'blessed are the poor in spirit...'
the 'poor in spirit' i find have the most spirit... they are just the ones eternally downcast.
'with downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive...'
there's a bird singing out my window...
i hope that wherever i live when i 'grow up' persay has plenty of land around it... i want to sit on my back porch in a porch swing and watch the birds at a bird feeder. watch the clouds float by. listen to the music in the trees with a slight breeze occasionaly catching a nicely toned wind chime.
and i enjoy it all inside my tightly clasped mind.
perhaps one day i shall open up and remain so.
heh, that shall be difficult...
you know, i find myself the best sort of person when in pain.
i find myself the best sort of person when i'm living.
i find myself living when i'm in pain.
i find myelf living when it's spring...
why not combine it all at once, haha!
just as long as i can live without the pain... as long as i can be me without it...
because for a long time that was all i was. i still find myself there.
it adds a deep aspect to life. helps you to live more fully, sets the good things higher in your heart, gives them more depth.
i don't always have to hold my head higher than my heart...
and thankfully my heart can feel pain and be carried by the breeze at the same time.
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