random:
i wonder if i'll ever feel good enough.
my self-confidence may get better at some point, unless my realistic nature gets in the way... yet even when i'm confident i don't feel good enough. ever.
i'm one of those weird people that will get one compliment from a person that means it and glow for weeks. heh, after the musical last year... i was glowing for months, out of all the people in the musical people would pick me out and tell my theatre teacher how well i did, that i should pursue vocal performance in college, that he needed to make sure i acted in college...
i suppose that while i do give myself value... i don't know what to make of myself?
a close friend of mine, she lives in san fran, just told me that i inspire her... that i could never be duplicated, i'm just one of those people that will never happen again... heh. that any guy to get me is lucky and any that had me and let me go never knew what he had.
i suppose she's biased as she never met the kid... she's certainly heard enough about him.
so while people think well of me...
i often wonder what the difference between being humble and naive are... i simply don't know. does being humble require you to think well of yourself and genuinely not act better than anyone else? or it is just being unaware of what gifts you have... or is it a mix of the two?
hmm.
thinking of my dad... he can fix anything. lawnmowers. heaters. cars. (he's a mechanic.) weed eaters. fans. whatever. and he knows this... but he's humble about it. he fixes peoples' cars at a reasonable rate on the side, and helps his friends out. he mows the lawn of the old lady across the street and tells her he doesn't know how her lawn got mowed. he hears the neighbor's car battery is dead and shows up with a charger without anyone asking. a friend of my mom knew an old lady in the inner city of the town we live near, her window air conditioner had broken and she was buying a new one for her but didn't know how to put it in. dad and i were going to go to... was it a hockey game? or the Christian book store? no, bookstore and i had my hockey shirt since i was going to get sweaty helping with the air conditioner... we put it in. the air conditioner had issues. we were there all evening in 90 degree heat putting it in and making sure it worked. they tried to pay us... and dad declined.
is that being humble?
charitable?
i don't know...
but i hope i can be like that.
i was good friends with the daughter of some neighbors that moved away shortly after i graduated HS... my friend's dad was in Iraq for a few years, and they appreciated so much how my dad helped them. fixing their lawn mower. helping with their car. mowing their lawn.
and when dad had his eye problems?
people mowed our lawn.
people from his work helped us with our cars.
the lady across the street would check in with us.
people from church he had helped in the past would sit at our house all day to help with his ridiculous schedule of eye drops since he couldn't read the labels or get out of bed.
his hands have always been black with grease from working on cars... they were so clean... it saddened me...
his work took up a collection that equalled the amount of one of his eye surgeries.
we had several people send us things for thanksgiving... complete with turkey napkins and pumpkin pie.
this is how much influence dad's humility and Christ-like generous spirit has influenced those around him...
and i hope that i can be like that.
that was quite the tangent, yet it was a good one :)
haha, oh the days we would go to hockey games... pretty much every home game. i love hockey games. i would get so excited... or when we would get beef jerky after girl scouts. or going to monster truck events and he would tell me about when he rode dirt bikes and how we should take that little truck in our side yard and enter it in the 'tough truck' competitions.
have i mentioned that i like my dad?
but you know... i bet he also has times that he doesn't feel good enough...
i just feel that way... all the time.
but i shouldn't let that change how i live... yet it almost defines who i am... almost.
i wonder what does...
at anyrate...
i've had jack's mannequin lyrics stuck in my head all day...
"You see I got this critical conscience
A brand new black hole in the solar system
I dig my grave but I just cant stand to step inside..."
that's a good song...
as is this, had it stuck in my head the past several days:
i'm ready
...
just found out jack's mannequin was at warped tour in 2008.
guess who else was at warped tour in 2008?
ME.
*forehead desk*
ah well.
how necessary is feeling you're worth it?
is it possible to love who you are and still dislike what you act like in some cases and to think you're a person of value without being worth anything to anyone for any reason?
at least i have one friend that i 'inspire'
and as for being worth it... i know i have a lot of friends that love me.
but...
i don't know...
and i can't understand why it's not in my mindset to ask for help. to reach out to people when i'm hurting. i just don't, and if i do then i must be ridiculously good friends with said person... all i can think of is my friend in san fran, and that's the only one i go to... maybe i'd go to a good friend i have on campus that's kind of becoming a big sister...
why don't i go to anyone?
*sigh*
and how necessary is feeling you're worth it...
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