and just like that winter weather returns to the prairie. well, if you can really call this part of kansas a prairie. at any rate, thursday it felt so wonderful i almost went jogging (pity i didn't...) and the day after was absolutely freezing, as was today...
with the winter weather, feeling of spring was chased away. it appeared like we are in for quite the week of winter, so i changed the layout again...
before what i was really going to ramble on about, here's a special boring topic that i need to get out:
yesterday i was thinking about my schedule for next school year... and i began realizing things that i had known yet didn't really hit home. i will be a senior. and it will be my last year in high school. that is this fall. THIS fall. what happened to everyone saying "oh, you have plenty of time to figure out what college you are going to" and "don't worry about what career you will have" and "you have plenty of time"
well...
i kinda don't have plenty of time. it seems like just yesterday i was being told such things.
and the... WHOAH.
next year... i will be in college. not the whole high school/college credit think i'm doing now... i will be in college.
wow.
anyhow...
the whole college thing isn't as hard to comprehend as the fact that this september i will be turning... eighteen. i like seventeen. it sounds nice. college is comfortably far off, and you can search for colleges and careers without panic.
not that i will panic...
yet.
i would not mind going to college without a major or career decided, i would mind however, going to college without a college decided.
/end i have no idea what i'm doing ramble
aside from that...
back to the age thing.
ever just look around one day and wonder where your life went? i'm only seventeen, however i still find it odd that one day you're making elevators out of cardboard boxes with a girl from next door, the next you're in your basement singing into a porcelain-dolphin 'microphone' with a tennis racket guitar, the next you're playing pioneers with bicycle horses, then you're beginning high school... and then a few minutes after you began, you find yourself here thinking about your life for a longer amount of time than it feels like our life took.
and thinking of how you managed to chip that 'microphone' that your mom was so proud of.
people say that in heaven this life wil seem like it passed in the blink of an eye... to me it seems that all things past go in the blink of an eye. things can feel like they took forever yet in retrospect it still seems like it was over all too fast.
however i am convinced that somehow, when you are in a math class room or when a chemistry assignment is especially boring, time virtually stops for those inside. how else could i manage to concentrate for what seems like an hour, just to look up and realize that only five minutes have passed?
isn't it annoying how you remember the bad things in life? like when you didn't get as good of a grade as you hoped on that test, or seeing your bone while you were being stitched up (okay, that isn't bad... that is more memorable that other, better times.) or the time you got so fed up with yourself that when the college algebra assignment was due after you'd been frantically working on it, and since you couldn't finish you wrote "i'm sorry i'm stupid" on problem 39? (not that i have ever done that or anything... umm... yeah... that was pretty lame. and a pretty bad day. nothing i did went right.) pity that the good things can't be remmebered... for all of my life, whenever i have a good day or something good happens, i try to remember it... as in consciously attempt to store it in my head. sounds somewhat foolish, yet to an eight year old who was scared of growing up, it was somewhat comforting.
speaking of math... i really do not enjoy working on problems about working theories of how to get a certain figure that represents a qunatity of none exhistant matter from other figures representin other things that do not exist... aside from that, mathematics truly is amazing. ah.maze.ing. where else can figures work together so well, weaving in and out of each other forming the most theorhetical and well-built structure. it's astounding how well it all works together.
it just takes me forever to comprehend it.
probably because first i try to understand the reason for it.
and...
there is none, it just is. my mind does not like that unfortunatly...
at least in chemistry the numbers have a reason...
i digress...
where do you use that term? before or after the act of digressing?
i apologize for the rather scattered nature of this post... i was rather scattered when i wrote it...
at any rate... i wonder why you can know something without realizing it...
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
that which doesn't kill you... makes you what?
it feels like spring, never really felt like winter. that roller coaster of kansas weather makes it warm half a day and cold the other half, and for some reason has only delivered one of the three or four ice storms we normally have by this time. odd.
yet... it feels like spring. so i changed the layout to something that felt like spring as opposed to fall :)
moving on...
the other day, i said "ah well. it's in the past. whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger" and i really began to think about that phrase... i mean, is that always true? does it really only make you stronger? or should the phrase read "even if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger and forget the other stuff" perhaps that saying is meant in some cases, and in others it is used simply because you don't wish to tell you how whatever it is seems to be slowly killing you over time. maybe not physically killing, yet something in you is dieing. (i don't wish to think of how to spell that at the moment. i wonder how much they will count off of the writing portion of the ACT if i misspell something... i'll attempt to evade words i use on a regular basis and yet cannot spell.) i don't know. that's extreme perhaps, some people may just use it to shrug off further questions. i mean, what would make people leave the subject alone? "yeah, i'm really struggling in that area..." or "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger!"
well, for whatever reason, even if it doesn't kill you, and even if it does make you stronger, it still may damage something in the process. i mean, for several years i was kind of shoved in the corner as a smart kid. and just the only outcast, no one was subject to bullying because the class took it out on me. and they ganged up on me, i mean they had to have made fun of others, yet even rivals could rally against me. that all took a pretty big toll on how i saw myself, and with other factors, i really didn't like myself. no one else did, why should i? yet through it all, i became stronger. yes, i am stronger. however... i am lacking in confidence. i always second guess myself. i never trust that what i thought i wrote is what i wrote. i find myself saying that i'm not good enough for anything when i should be able to do something right. (right? maybe?) i cut my finger rather badly on a jar today and began apologizing to my mom because i knew it was my fault and i was sorry that i had been so stupid. (my mom did the same thing two minutes later.)
i may be stronger now, yet it used to seem like a... a sort of hollow strength. i mean, one can appear Strong on the outside when everything inside is crumbling. kind of like a geode, you know those rocks you crack open and find empty space and a few crystals? it looks so strong on the outside... i'm apparently a good actor. during one of the hardest times of my life, i was completely torn up inside. (well, i know that there are people worse off... so sorry if i'm making it sound all horrible... well, it was to me at least.) and all the while, my closest friend (i only really saw friends twice a week. not cool.) was there and knew nothing. no one did. no one. just me. my friend still called me her 'rock' because of how 'strong' i was through all situations. she eventually saw through it... only because i finally told her. and she never really knew the full story until a few months ago!
moving on...
basically, i got stronger. however i wasn't really that strong. perhaps over time.
so, why do people use that expression?
i suppose i mean it when i say 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger' because i choose to look at the positive aspects of... well, anything. (except for myself. i'm working on that.)
yet it doesn't always kill you or make you stronger, i talked to a friend about this that had something pretty major to her go on, and her reply was to the tune of "i don't feel like i got any stronger from that" however she said that maybe she'll see results later in life... maybe.
so...
"that which doesn't kill you will eventually make you stronger"?
yet... it feels like spring. so i changed the layout to something that felt like spring as opposed to fall :)
moving on...
the other day, i said "ah well. it's in the past. whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger" and i really began to think about that phrase... i mean, is that always true? does it really only make you stronger? or should the phrase read "even if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger and forget the other stuff" perhaps that saying is meant in some cases, and in others it is used simply because you don't wish to tell you how whatever it is seems to be slowly killing you over time. maybe not physically killing, yet something in you is dieing. (i don't wish to think of how to spell that at the moment. i wonder how much they will count off of the writing portion of the ACT if i misspell something... i'll attempt to evade words i use on a regular basis and yet cannot spell.) i don't know. that's extreme perhaps, some people may just use it to shrug off further questions. i mean, what would make people leave the subject alone? "yeah, i'm really struggling in that area..." or "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger!"
well, for whatever reason, even if it doesn't kill you, and even if it does make you stronger, it still may damage something in the process. i mean, for several years i was kind of shoved in the corner as a smart kid. and just the only outcast, no one was subject to bullying because the class took it out on me. and they ganged up on me, i mean they had to have made fun of others, yet even rivals could rally against me. that all took a pretty big toll on how i saw myself, and with other factors, i really didn't like myself. no one else did, why should i? yet through it all, i became stronger. yes, i am stronger. however... i am lacking in confidence. i always second guess myself. i never trust that what i thought i wrote is what i wrote. i find myself saying that i'm not good enough for anything when i should be able to do something right. (right? maybe?) i cut my finger rather badly on a jar today and began apologizing to my mom because i knew it was my fault and i was sorry that i had been so stupid. (my mom did the same thing two minutes later.)
i may be stronger now, yet it used to seem like a... a sort of hollow strength. i mean, one can appear Strong on the outside when everything inside is crumbling. kind of like a geode, you know those rocks you crack open and find empty space and a few crystals? it looks so strong on the outside... i'm apparently a good actor. during one of the hardest times of my life, i was completely torn up inside. (well, i know that there are people worse off... so sorry if i'm making it sound all horrible... well, it was to me at least.) and all the while, my closest friend (i only really saw friends twice a week. not cool.) was there and knew nothing. no one did. no one. just me. my friend still called me her 'rock' because of how 'strong' i was through all situations. she eventually saw through it... only because i finally told her. and she never really knew the full story until a few months ago!
moving on...
basically, i got stronger. however i wasn't really that strong. perhaps over time.
so, why do people use that expression?
i suppose i mean it when i say 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger' because i choose to look at the positive aspects of... well, anything. (except for myself. i'm working on that.)
yet it doesn't always kill you or make you stronger, i talked to a friend about this that had something pretty major to her go on, and her reply was to the tune of "i don't feel like i got any stronger from that" however she said that maybe she'll see results later in life... maybe.
so...
"that which doesn't kill you will eventually make you stronger"?
Friday, January 9, 2009
a little bit o' thought on others' thoughts and siblings.
you know, for some reason or other we all care what people think. i don't understand why, some people want to impress others, some wish to play up their own lives and seem like what they are not, some wish to succeed simply do that they do not seem like a complete failure, and others... just want to get through life without falling flat on their face.
today was my first home basketball game where i played the bass guitar all by myself, as in no graduated senior coming in to help out on the songs i didn't know. before jazz band this year, all i knew was treble clef due to playing my flute in band. and now with pep band,i have to learn songs... very quickly. it's fairly ridiculous, yet i'm getting there... my vaguely small school doesn't have a very good amplifier, and naturally, i was nervous so i didn't play very loud. whoops. why did i care about a gym full of people that i really wouldn't see again, a student body that doesn't care about me, and some basketball players that probably didn't even notice? i didn't, it's just my nature to be worried when i don't know what i'm doing or don't feel confident in what i'm doing. (as stated before, i really don't have much confidence.) my friends didn't care, they like me just the same
after the game (we lost, as usual.) as i was walking out to the truck with a friend, i was feeling energetic and happy, i had survived my first game and my band director thought i did well. and, i was about to get in the truck and therefore 'fiestas con alto musica' could commence. i was singing and skipping my way out, sometimes i just don't care what people think.
what makes that so different from the gym?
i suppose more people are in the gym... more that i will never see or talk to.
i don't see why we all feel the need to be accepted... accepted by who? by people who would only care for you if you conform to them? accepted by people who ignore the real you and see whatever you mimick from them? i'm just tired of seeing people conform to others, when if you are not going to be yourself why be anyone at all, even trying to be yourself is a big step in today's world. are we really so starved for friends that we would change ourselves? then again, i've been there, and not having friends... well, it's not a good place to be. especially if you're an only child. (an only child with parents that do not even like board games. a stack of board games with dust on them is somewhat depressing. and you can only play scrabbble, monopoly, or chess with yourself so many times before it gets kinda old.)
i'm gong to switch topics on you.
keep you on your toes ;) (especially you laura. i know you need it.)
i'm not sure that people with siblings realize how lucky they are. i'm sure that some with siblings will say that i don't realize how lucky i am, however 'the grass is always greener' i suppose. i've always wanted a big brother. someone to bug when he has a girlfriend, play games with, get upset over dirty sock on the floor with, build forts with, have a snowball fight with... to kind of look out for me and i in turn for him. well, it's kind of late to have a big brother. (and i... have never built a snowman with anybody. or had a snowball fight. the only time i had an opportunity was when i took care of my minions {read as: babysat three boys} however the snow was rock hard. however we went sledding ^_^ however i now make snow angels and stargaze at the same time. it's wonderful to just fall down in the snow, a bright winter moon reflecting off of the snow, a few luminous clouds, and stars more clear than one can believe...)
also, an only child is the only child for their parents to yell at when they are angry, stressed, or upset. during a hard time (my family just went through a hard time with my dad, he was already blind in one eye then a series of problems in the other eye left him basically bed ridden for several months. and then another few months. he hasn't been able to work in a year and a half... at one point, the stress factor taking over, it was decided that it was my fault. right...) you become the make-shift stress ball for the family. something bad happens, you did it. something goes missing, where did you hide it. something needs to be done and your parents are watching television as usual, you drop everything and do it. something gets broken, you ruin everything you touch. the list goes on... and you have no one to go to when it's the end of a rough day. your parents watch tv as usual. (i always wanted to have supper at the table, or have a family game night... oh well. the game night did happen a few times however ^_^) and you're left alone. i'm not saying that siblings are glued to you 24/7, yet they i wouldn't think that they would be away 24/7 either. (then again, what would i know?) for those that think only children are spoiled: well, i guess it depends on the family. i'm amazed at how much some people get for Christmas... i mean, my family isn't poor or anything... just... wow. anyhow...
i suppose one should be happy with whatever life they are given, and i truely am, yet i've always dreamed, and dreaming sometimes was all that i had. yet what has been has made me who i am, and that's a good place to be.
today was my first home basketball game where i played the bass guitar all by myself, as in no graduated senior coming in to help out on the songs i didn't know. before jazz band this year, all i knew was treble clef due to playing my flute in band. and now with pep band,i have to learn songs... very quickly. it's fairly ridiculous, yet i'm getting there... my vaguely small school doesn't have a very good amplifier, and naturally, i was nervous so i didn't play very loud. whoops. why did i care about a gym full of people that i really wouldn't see again, a student body that doesn't care about me, and some basketball players that probably didn't even notice? i didn't, it's just my nature to be worried when i don't know what i'm doing or don't feel confident in what i'm doing. (as stated before, i really don't have much confidence.) my friends didn't care, they like me just the same
after the game (we lost, as usual.) as i was walking out to the truck with a friend, i was feeling energetic and happy, i had survived my first game and my band director thought i did well. and, i was about to get in the truck and therefore 'fiestas con alto musica' could commence. i was singing and skipping my way out, sometimes i just don't care what people think.
what makes that so different from the gym?
i suppose more people are in the gym... more that i will never see or talk to.
i don't see why we all feel the need to be accepted... accepted by who? by people who would only care for you if you conform to them? accepted by people who ignore the real you and see whatever you mimick from them? i'm just tired of seeing people conform to others, when if you are not going to be yourself why be anyone at all, even trying to be yourself is a big step in today's world. are we really so starved for friends that we would change ourselves? then again, i've been there, and not having friends... well, it's not a good place to be. especially if you're an only child. (an only child with parents that do not even like board games. a stack of board games with dust on them is somewhat depressing. and you can only play scrabbble, monopoly, or chess with yourself so many times before it gets kinda old.)
i'm gong to switch topics on you.
keep you on your toes ;) (especially you laura. i know you need it.)
i'm not sure that people with siblings realize how lucky they are. i'm sure that some with siblings will say that i don't realize how lucky i am, however 'the grass is always greener' i suppose. i've always wanted a big brother. someone to bug when he has a girlfriend, play games with, get upset over dirty sock on the floor with, build forts with, have a snowball fight with... to kind of look out for me and i in turn for him. well, it's kind of late to have a big brother. (and i... have never built a snowman with anybody. or had a snowball fight. the only time i had an opportunity was when i took care of my minions {read as: babysat three boys} however the snow was rock hard. however we went sledding ^_^ however i now make snow angels and stargaze at the same time. it's wonderful to just fall down in the snow, a bright winter moon reflecting off of the snow, a few luminous clouds, and stars more clear than one can believe...)
also, an only child is the only child for their parents to yell at when they are angry, stressed, or upset. during a hard time (my family just went through a hard time with my dad, he was already blind in one eye then a series of problems in the other eye left him basically bed ridden for several months. and then another few months. he hasn't been able to work in a year and a half... at one point, the stress factor taking over, it was decided that it was my fault. right...) you become the make-shift stress ball for the family. something bad happens, you did it. something goes missing, where did you hide it. something needs to be done and your parents are watching television as usual, you drop everything and do it. something gets broken, you ruin everything you touch. the list goes on... and you have no one to go to when it's the end of a rough day. your parents watch tv as usual. (i always wanted to have supper at the table, or have a family game night... oh well. the game night did happen a few times however ^_^) and you're left alone. i'm not saying that siblings are glued to you 24/7, yet they i wouldn't think that they would be away 24/7 either. (then again, what would i know?) for those that think only children are spoiled: well, i guess it depends on the family. i'm amazed at how much some people get for Christmas... i mean, my family isn't poor or anything... just... wow. anyhow...
i suppose one should be happy with whatever life they are given, and i truely am, yet i've always dreamed, and dreaming sometimes was all that i had. yet what has been has made me who i am, and that's a good place to be.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
life: well, what do we do with it?
someone i know on facebook (odd, you add people 'as a friend' even if you hardly know them. anyhow...) had this on their status; "the first step into getting what you want out of life-decide what you want....hmmm...." don't get me wrong, it's wonderful that whoever it is is thinking about such things (given it was meant and not a random thing put on the status)yet what do we want out of life?
maybe it's just the way the statement was worded that made me begin to think (well, actually, when it's late at night and i am in a certain mood i will probably ramble on anything. literally. i can look at a bug on the floor, and begin to think about if they feel any purpose in what they are doing, what purpose if any that i am feeling, what others think is their purpose, if there is a reason for... well, you get the picture. why can i never stay with one topic...)
i just deleted a LOT of this post and have decided to rewrite it from here on. why? well, it got too noncensical for comfort. my friend laura was right, i do tend to downplay what i think too much... i've gotten much to used to people not caring about what i say that even i began to not care... i hope that blogging will help. yet this is onluy my second post, i can't expect improvement yet... besically, i had a lot of typing and too much negative. the negative was not about the topic. it was just about me. sadly. ah well.
moving on...
life to me is a wonderful thing. truly being alive is one of the best gifts ever, yet i don't really think that it can be lived to the fulledt when lived for yourself... i'm the sort of person that believes in living for God, maybe you don't agree, yet it's hard not to agree with what God says to live for: others. have you ever seen the smile on the face of someone yuou've helped? maybe it is selfish to live for others, that feeling can be addicting. i helped an elderly lady that i didn't even know over to a wall a week ago because she was tired and wanted to lean on something other than her cane, she said i had made her day, that smile made my week.
why people don't care to help others is beyond me... things are probably going on that i don't understand, and everyone has a different story... ever wander around some days and wonder what various people are like? what their story is, where they are going, whether they are happy with life or are searching for something more... i suppose that is a ramble for another day.
i once saw several binders all with "i <3 me!" scribbled all over them. i began thinking of what kind of culture we live in where people just throw out such sayings, and draw them all over everything. maybe i was just jealous because i didn't love myself. it seems that the "i <3 me!" idea is taking over the "excuse me, may i help you?" idea of serving others. yet nevertheless, it got me to thinking: i wonder what people think while they write such things? do they really think about what they are writing means? wouldn't that be a horrible mindset to be increadibly me-centric? of course, i was bored in algebra III class. naturally, my mind takes ANY opportunity to wander despite how hard i try to keep it focused on the oh-so-wonderful world of theories about figures representing nothing. so my thoughts were bound to get ridiculous.
for me, it's not a matter of finding out what i want. it's a matter of A) finding what God wants of me and B) doing what i can to serve others in the process and after i find what i should do with my life. were i to put such things on my status (i... don't. my mom is on facebook. and i tend to hide the thinking side of me from her. i don't really know why...) i would put "lindsay is trying to find what God plans to produce from her life"
for many others, they have life and their reaction is 'what do we do with it?' i wonder at people who have figured out what to do with their life so early! they have over half a century to plan, and i am a junior in high school... and am the only person i know in my class that is undecided in a college. or a major. or a profession. "let go and let God," right?
it bothers me how some people throw life around as if it were a game, a 'whoever dies with the most stuff wins' sort of thing. Can't we just live our lives in such a way that when it's almost done, we can sit down and think of years past, of all of the lives that we have helped, of all of the smiles that we have seen, and of what's to come.
for some reason that last sentance makes me want to find an absurdly green place in the country in the spring and sit on a porch swing. all day. on a cloudy day. the kind after a storm, all days after a storm are wonderful, yet i think a specific day that i remmber is perfect... a wonderul clear morning with a few clouds to create amazing colors while watching the stars dissapear, watching the clouds take shape all day, not just any clouds, the kind that look... real. like they are popping out of the sky at you, beggin you to jump up and reach for them. then evening... brilliant colors. a fiery orange sky. the stars will begin to shine thgough the orange, and before you know it the clouds give way to a clear starry sky.
have i meantioned that i love kansas weather?
that would be a perfect day to contemplate how my life went...
and now i would like a porch swing on the front porch of a house in the country.
one can always dream, right?
maybe it's just the way the statement was worded that made me begin to think (well, actually, when it's late at night and i am in a certain mood i will probably ramble on anything. literally. i can look at a bug on the floor, and begin to think about if they feel any purpose in what they are doing, what purpose if any that i am feeling, what others think is their purpose, if there is a reason for... well, you get the picture. why can i never stay with one topic...)
i just deleted a LOT of this post and have decided to rewrite it from here on. why? well, it got too noncensical for comfort. my friend laura was right, i do tend to downplay what i think too much... i've gotten much to used to people not caring about what i say that even i began to not care... i hope that blogging will help. yet this is onluy my second post, i can't expect improvement yet... besically, i had a lot of typing and too much negative. the negative was not about the topic. it was just about me. sadly. ah well.
moving on...
life to me is a wonderful thing. truly being alive is one of the best gifts ever, yet i don't really think that it can be lived to the fulledt when lived for yourself... i'm the sort of person that believes in living for God, maybe you don't agree, yet it's hard not to agree with what God says to live for: others. have you ever seen the smile on the face of someone yuou've helped? maybe it is selfish to live for others, that feeling can be addicting. i helped an elderly lady that i didn't even know over to a wall a week ago because she was tired and wanted to lean on something other than her cane, she said i had made her day, that smile made my week.
why people don't care to help others is beyond me... things are probably going on that i don't understand, and everyone has a different story... ever wander around some days and wonder what various people are like? what their story is, where they are going, whether they are happy with life or are searching for something more... i suppose that is a ramble for another day.
i once saw several binders all with "i <3 me!" scribbled all over them. i began thinking of what kind of culture we live in where people just throw out such sayings, and draw them all over everything. maybe i was just jealous because i didn't love myself. it seems that the "i <3 me!" idea is taking over the "excuse me, may i help you?" idea of serving others. yet nevertheless, it got me to thinking: i wonder what people think while they write such things? do they really think about what they are writing means? wouldn't that be a horrible mindset to be increadibly me-centric? of course, i was bored in algebra III class. naturally, my mind takes ANY opportunity to wander despite how hard i try to keep it focused on the oh-so-wonderful world of theories about figures representing nothing. so my thoughts were bound to get ridiculous.
for me, it's not a matter of finding out what i want. it's a matter of A) finding what God wants of me and B) doing what i can to serve others in the process and after i find what i should do with my life. were i to put such things on my status (i... don't. my mom is on facebook. and i tend to hide the thinking side of me from her. i don't really know why...) i would put "lindsay is trying to find what God plans to produce from her life"
for many others, they have life and their reaction is 'what do we do with it?' i wonder at people who have figured out what to do with their life so early! they have over half a century to plan, and i am a junior in high school... and am the only person i know in my class that is undecided in a college. or a major. or a profession. "let go and let God," right?
it bothers me how some people throw life around as if it were a game, a 'whoever dies with the most stuff wins' sort of thing. Can't we just live our lives in such a way that when it's almost done, we can sit down and think of years past, of all of the lives that we have helped, of all of the smiles that we have seen, and of what's to come.
for some reason that last sentance makes me want to find an absurdly green place in the country in the spring and sit on a porch swing. all day. on a cloudy day. the kind after a storm, all days after a storm are wonderful, yet i think a specific day that i remmber is perfect... a wonderul clear morning with a few clouds to create amazing colors while watching the stars dissapear, watching the clouds take shape all day, not just any clouds, the kind that look... real. like they are popping out of the sky at you, beggin you to jump up and reach for them. then evening... brilliant colors. a fiery orange sky. the stars will begin to shine thgough the orange, and before you know it the clouds give way to a clear starry sky.
have i meantioned that i love kansas weather?
that would be a perfect day to contemplate how my life went...
and now i would like a porch swing on the front porch of a house in the country.
one can always dream, right?
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