it feels like spring, never really felt like winter. that roller coaster of kansas weather makes it warm half a day and cold the other half, and for some reason has only delivered one of the three or four ice storms we normally have by this time. odd.
yet... it feels like spring. so i changed the layout to something that felt like spring as opposed to fall :)
moving on...
the other day, i said "ah well. it's in the past. whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger" and i really began to think about that phrase... i mean, is that always true? does it really only make you stronger? or should the phrase read "even if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger and forget the other stuff" perhaps that saying is meant in some cases, and in others it is used simply because you don't wish to tell you how whatever it is seems to be slowly killing you over time. maybe not physically killing, yet something in you is dieing. (i don't wish to think of how to spell that at the moment. i wonder how much they will count off of the writing portion of the ACT if i misspell something... i'll attempt to evade words i use on a regular basis and yet cannot spell.) i don't know. that's extreme perhaps, some people may just use it to shrug off further questions. i mean, what would make people leave the subject alone? "yeah, i'm really struggling in that area..." or "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger!"
well, for whatever reason, even if it doesn't kill you, and even if it does make you stronger, it still may damage something in the process. i mean, for several years i was kind of shoved in the corner as a smart kid. and just the only outcast, no one was subject to bullying because the class took it out on me. and they ganged up on me, i mean they had to have made fun of others, yet even rivals could rally against me. that all took a pretty big toll on how i saw myself, and with other factors, i really didn't like myself. no one else did, why should i? yet through it all, i became stronger. yes, i am stronger. however... i am lacking in confidence. i always second guess myself. i never trust that what i thought i wrote is what i wrote. i find myself saying that i'm not good enough for anything when i should be able to do something right. (right? maybe?) i cut my finger rather badly on a jar today and began apologizing to my mom because i knew it was my fault and i was sorry that i had been so stupid. (my mom did the same thing two minutes later.)
i may be stronger now, yet it used to seem like a... a sort of hollow strength. i mean, one can appear Strong on the outside when everything inside is crumbling. kind of like a geode, you know those rocks you crack open and find empty space and a few crystals? it looks so strong on the outside... i'm apparently a good actor. during one of the hardest times of my life, i was completely torn up inside. (well, i know that there are people worse off... so sorry if i'm making it sound all horrible... well, it was to me at least.) and all the while, my closest friend (i only really saw friends twice a week. not cool.) was there and knew nothing. no one did. no one. just me. my friend still called me her 'rock' because of how 'strong' i was through all situations. she eventually saw through it... only because i finally told her. and she never really knew the full story until a few months ago!
moving on...
basically, i got stronger. however i wasn't really that strong. perhaps over time.
so, why do people use that expression?
i suppose i mean it when i say 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger' because i choose to look at the positive aspects of... well, anything. (except for myself. i'm working on that.)
yet it doesn't always kill you or make you stronger, i talked to a friend about this that had something pretty major to her go on, and her reply was to the tune of "i don't feel like i got any stronger from that" however she said that maybe she'll see results later in life... maybe.
so...
"that which doesn't kill you will eventually make you stronger"?
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