you know, for some reason or other we all care what people think. i don't understand why, some people want to impress others, some wish to play up their own lives and seem like what they are not, some wish to succeed simply do that they do not seem like a complete failure, and others... just want to get through life without falling flat on their face.
today was my first home basketball game where i played the bass guitar all by myself, as in no graduated senior coming in to help out on the songs i didn't know. before jazz band this year, all i knew was treble clef due to playing my flute in band. and now with pep band,i have to learn songs... very quickly. it's fairly ridiculous, yet i'm getting there... my vaguely small school doesn't have a very good amplifier, and naturally, i was nervous so i didn't play very loud. whoops. why did i care about a gym full of people that i really wouldn't see again, a student body that doesn't care about me, and some basketball players that probably didn't even notice? i didn't, it's just my nature to be worried when i don't know what i'm doing or don't feel confident in what i'm doing. (as stated before, i really don't have much confidence.) my friends didn't care, they like me just the same
after the game (we lost, as usual.) as i was walking out to the truck with a friend, i was feeling energetic and happy, i had survived my first game and my band director thought i did well. and, i was about to get in the truck and therefore 'fiestas con alto musica' could commence. i was singing and skipping my way out, sometimes i just don't care what people think.
what makes that so different from the gym?
i suppose more people are in the gym... more that i will never see or talk to.
i don't see why we all feel the need to be accepted... accepted by who? by people who would only care for you if you conform to them? accepted by people who ignore the real you and see whatever you mimick from them? i'm just tired of seeing people conform to others, when if you are not going to be yourself why be anyone at all, even trying to be yourself is a big step in today's world. are we really so starved for friends that we would change ourselves? then again, i've been there, and not having friends... well, it's not a good place to be. especially if you're an only child. (an only child with parents that do not even like board games. a stack of board games with dust on them is somewhat depressing. and you can only play scrabbble, monopoly, or chess with yourself so many times before it gets kinda old.)
i'm gong to switch topics on you.
keep you on your toes ;) (especially you laura. i know you need it.)
i'm not sure that people with siblings realize how lucky they are. i'm sure that some with siblings will say that i don't realize how lucky i am, however 'the grass is always greener' i suppose. i've always wanted a big brother. someone to bug when he has a girlfriend, play games with, get upset over dirty sock on the floor with, build forts with, have a snowball fight with... to kind of look out for me and i in turn for him. well, it's kind of late to have a big brother. (and i... have never built a snowman with anybody. or had a snowball fight. the only time i had an opportunity was when i took care of my minions {read as: babysat three boys} however the snow was rock hard. however we went sledding ^_^ however i now make snow angels and stargaze at the same time. it's wonderful to just fall down in the snow, a bright winter moon reflecting off of the snow, a few luminous clouds, and stars more clear than one can believe...)
also, an only child is the only child for their parents to yell at when they are angry, stressed, or upset. during a hard time (my family just went through a hard time with my dad, he was already blind in one eye then a series of problems in the other eye left him basically bed ridden for several months. and then another few months. he hasn't been able to work in a year and a half... at one point, the stress factor taking over, it was decided that it was my fault. right...) you become the make-shift stress ball for the family. something bad happens, you did it. something goes missing, where did you hide it. something needs to be done and your parents are watching television as usual, you drop everything and do it. something gets broken, you ruin everything you touch. the list goes on... and you have no one to go to when it's the end of a rough day. your parents watch tv as usual. (i always wanted to have supper at the table, or have a family game night... oh well. the game night did happen a few times however ^_^) and you're left alone. i'm not saying that siblings are glued to you 24/7, yet they i wouldn't think that they would be away 24/7 either. (then again, what would i know?) for those that think only children are spoiled: well, i guess it depends on the family. i'm amazed at how much some people get for Christmas... i mean, my family isn't poor or anything... just... wow. anyhow...
i suppose one should be happy with whatever life they are given, and i truely am, yet i've always dreamed, and dreaming sometimes was all that i had. yet what has been has made me who i am, and that's a good place to be.
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