things that make me smile...

haha, i was working on my own in the theatre shop today.
...after making a crown for the lady i work for.
...and one for myself.
blue to bring out my eyes and gold to offset my hair, shiny foil pipe-cleaners twisted together and placed on my head like a medieval princess.
...they're supposed to be for the angels at the Christmas concert, yet we are only using silver and gold for those.


as i was sketching out a pot-bellied stove (and a mouse hole including a mouse with cheese in one corner, my mischievous streak is often useful and i love it greatly.) i danced about while listening to Christmas music.
ha, and with this song...
i'm not in love with anyone, i have no one in mind...
yet tossing in a few twirls between careful measurements...
i felt light on my feet, and singing along felt so right...
my innocent self let loose and the wide-eyed wonder so vivid, it was wonderful.


i love being me...


haha!


ah, and laughing for no reason. that is wonderful.


i love that feeling of clean life, innocence (albeit, i'm still very knowledgeable... but the innocence is that dirty things and such don't taint me, you know? some of my very 'corrupted' friends are very jealous of this...) and swirling snow.


...ah, yes, swirling snow.


how else can you explain the feeling?


and somehow down in the saw-dust while playfully picking only the m&m's from my boss's trail mix and sketching a smiling mouse in one corner of a panel i felt like whoever does end up with me will be the luckiest guy ever... and conversely, i'd be the luckiest girl ever because i could be that way, that swirling snow feeling in front of someone.
hopefully.
and i suppose the best part is that wasn't my primary thought, i was first the joy...
mmm, indeed...


or at least that was one thought among many...


ever see me smile for real?
i don't think anyone has, to tell the truth.
well Lord, You have.
Orion has.
that mouse i was drawing most certainly has.


ha, You're the one that created it...
ha, and Lord, i thank you for always standing back up...
and life.

*is somber*


*is somber too long, bursts out in a smile, laughs, and springs across the room to finish theory homework.*

down by the river foreign waters flow...

    once upon a time i was sitting in chapel, happy that the lover of the terrible unknown terror was there yet her counter part was nowhere in sight. my mind rested, within reason, and i tried to reign my attention to what is going on when all of a sudden the terrible monster appears and starts rubbing her back with his claws; i sit and watch my blood run down the sloped floor as i thank God for the people that stood in front of me to block my view, the gallant and unknowing tall men helped stop up the blood just a bit...
     as the entire congregation sat down i was happy once again that people blocked my view; being fidgety and taking note of most everything going on is terrible curse when you are avoiding looking at something.
as people shift and fidget about i notice his scrawny arm wrapped around her sloped shoulders, then again nothing matches the slope in his poor form. my ornery streak wishes for a sling shot or at the very least to march up to him at some point in time and say 'i hope you feel your hands wringing my neck when you do that. yeah i don't have feelings for you and you do not have any for me, but you should know what you're doing. go ahead. strangle me while my eyes burn into your mind forever.'
     constantly wondering if they really understand anything at all, not that her understanding matters as long as she can be comfortable in the same room with me.
     yet as i hold the blood in it begins to dry up.
     my mind always grows weary of thinking such things. 

     once the service ends i'm out in the fresh air settling into my thoughts...
     the monster becomes less contemptible and turns into shadows as him and his dark deeds are nowhere to be found.

     no need to be Beowulf here.
     the best thing about such thoughts is that once my mind says 'that's enough, hardness has played its part. come back to life not so terribly vivid and dark.'

     the air cleanses me.

     the sun touches my face.

     ...and i smile as i know 'yes, you believe all of those things but it is not you to think them. it is not you. this terrible mindset is not a part of you no matter how much it tries to impose... no matter how much you believe or don't believe what terrible things come out of your subconscious and into your stream of thought, you can rest by the riverside with the knowledge that after all, you're still you.'

     all of those things, thinking of the monstrous murderer and all of the raw contempt that seeps upward...

that's still not me.

     ...and for that i am eternally grateful.





-edit-
...unintentional wording i later realized are also part of a song...

...makes me smile quite a bit, how those words unknowingly found their way into this post.
God, you love to sing this to me...
and You have taught nature to sing the melody.

hello adult world, you're confusing.

college really becomes a point of life that limits you.


a lot.


before then you have the option to study anything.


...in the process of studying, you're limited to what you're studying.




and then there's the random voice in my head that says 'when ____ went to the academy of dramatic arts, you should have hitched a ride. learn to use the tools you were given, that expressive face and ridiculously everything speaking and singing voice needs refined. use it!'

but then rationality says 'you're not that great.'
...but the tools are there.
however it's eliminating another option by choosing not to learn how to use them, like when I stopped taking history classes. when i stopped taking science classes. 
ruling out options, and the clock is ticking.


what do i want?


do i know and am afraid to grasp?


is it just that i don't have anyone to egg me on in the direction my heart wants to go?


is the fear of arrogance keeping me back?


anyhow, that's one random tangent. 






speaking of random tangents, this is Thanksgiving.


among the myriad of thoughts i had today, there was one thread of remembering how this time last year i was texting my best guy friend and desperately hoping he didn't like me.


well, at least that's all over, and i can end my day with a smile...


and i'm still ridiculously confused.


i don't know.


i don't need to make much money, but... what?


And Lord, You're not helping a lot, You know that?


...


point taken.


but just because you have told me that all my life doesn't mean that playing in jazz band and a few plays isn't the manifestation of that.


...don't look at me like that!

life in all aspects

calm and still...

people in theory class today described the weather as dreary, yet even though it may appear so that does not mean it feels as such.

just step outside and breathe in the air...
feel it.
listen to it.

it's far from dreary.

and yet again, i find myself in it.

it's hard to want anything outside of what God gives you when you feel the wind brush your cheek as you walk along outside, you calm down and close your eyes as it envelops you...
the dewy skeletons of the trees looks like delicate silver under the streetlight...


it's not dreary, it's the earth accepting winter.






...i'm not depressed, i'm the mind accepting pain.






sometimes people get it all mixed up.
looking at life from a different aspect does not mean you're depressing.
i recall loaning a book called 'the orphaned anything's' to the guy i had dated.
he loved it even though most of it, or the beginning at least, was 'depressing'
i found this odd, the book followed my train of thought and i had never thought of it as depressing.
i explained this or something like that in a few sentences, and he said "You're a remarkable woman, Miss Lindsay."


i beg to differ,
i'm quite simply alive.


...then again, perhaps that's remarkable.




to counter-act that depressing state, or whatever it is, my mind likes to bring joy to everyone.
share a bit of the life that i've learned without the pain it took to learn it.


make friends laugh.


make lives smile.


...i love when i smile when i make others smile, when i'm not hurt and smiling at the same time.
then again, that portion of me is somewhat numb i think.


such is life.


bright.


vibrant.


...numb.


and yet not.


all at the same time...


ha, a song in choir that mentions how Jesus will 'Dash in pieces princes and nations' reminded me of how someone so loving, perfect, and wise... can also be strong and fierce. terrifying and terrible, if you understand my use of the word.


...perhaps i can relate, except He keeps the balance perfect.
i'm getting there... i'm getting there.

*breathes deeply*

simple pleasures:
sitting on a futon wearing ridiculous hurley athletic shorts and a green tie-dye shirt you found in the lost and found at camp.
cool, clean air coming through the window.
enjoying a store-bought starbucks frappuccino.
homework all done.
listening to Josh Groban.
and laughing at how you probably used up your entire sharpie on that drawing assignment.

ha, in addition to laughing at a few things God told you on the drive back.


i'm ridiculous, but God takes the cake.




one random thought was the kind you always know but don't surface...
if i ever end up with a guy, he's going to ave to be one heck of a guy.
...even if i forget, i am one heck of a person.
...and i love it when people realize this.

everyday thoughts... for me, least ways.

i used to have random day dreams about a world that used leaves for currency. 
the beautiful jewel tones, sunbursts of red inside green glossy leaves...
they would all be snatched up as they hit the ground. 
trees would never have the chance to go out in a blaze of glory, to be admired as they died...

because people wanted to profit from their beauty.
leaves were snatched up and fall came and went without the yellow, red, and orange snowfall.
the kind you drive your truck through, windows down, and breathe in deeply as the surreal tunnel of trees passes.


and instead of resting on the ground and curling up to stay warm...
what life remained in the trees was shoved into pockets, wallets, and purses.

i suppose such random daydreams came from thinking 'what if we treated beautiful things like money...' one day as i fingered a tired, crumbled old one dollar bill. it was ripped a fourth of the way in and looked as dirty as my dad's hands after working on a car all day.
well, for his entire life, rather.


then i realized...


we already do, don't we?




one day while thinking of that i found a perfect leaf.
the red was pure scarlet and the green that spouted from the middle of the field of blood could not have shown more life than it already did, the glossy, waxy texture just making the colors all the more vibrant.
i turned it over a few times and considered taking it back to my room and putting it under a book...


then i simply laughed; i think the leaf and i had finally reached an understanding.


a strong wind came and i tossed it in the air, watching as it swirled away.


i suppose some things are best remembered alive.

my self-image and always comparing myself with others in a downgrading manner regarding myself is really going to inhibit my potential isn't it?

I've met plenty of warm, dead bodies in my lifetime...

so easily.

the words do not pertain to anything, yet the music seems to fit...
quite a bit indeed...

i am at all times.

...what the hell do you do when you look up into the shadows of a tree, when you lay on your back, hands feeling the grass, eyes turned to the stars and all you can think is...
I want it all.
I want it all.

reading my own eyes

hello.
my name is lindsay.


i like nothing more than running around barefoot, feeling the soft grass underfoot and breathing life with it.


i take ridiculous pleasure in driving my new truck to the farm store to buy birdseed by myself.
tossing the sack in the bed of my truck is welcome labor.


it's all i can do to tear myself away from my place in the yard come winter, watching the birds flit about and fight over their place at the old flower-pot water-catcher turned bird-feeder.


i read a myriad of things and relate strongly to Ayn Rand.
how?
Ayn loved skyscrapers, the creation of man, man creating and forming himself.


i love trees, sunsets, grass, rivers, the creation of God, God creating and forming... me.
giving me the mindset i have.


i dream of a window-seat on a rainy day, curling up on a couch reading while all wrapped up in a blanket.


i've been burned.


i've cried myself to sleep.


i've grown too strong for tears.


i've grown too weak to bother crying.


on occasion i can't hold my own gaze.


on occasion i can't look away.


i've danced with the wind, i've felt my soul quiver in the leaves of a tree and my mind cleansed by rain.


what can i say?


i am what life has made me, what God has trusted me with formed me.
but i remained the same at the core.


i just found it a little more with each passing hurdle.


but there's this thing about hurdles...


i love soaring through the air, even if i crash on the way down.


for a moment you're flying.


and even when you lay on the ground, bloody and bruised...


all your eyes can see is up.


i have no idea what to do with my life.


i haven't even mentioned being shunned and made fun of in school, being yelled at by my parents, or once upon a time believing i was worthless.
someone once tried to cage me in.
i didn't care for him too much yet he left a huge scar and a knife in my back.
he shouldn't care for any of the above aspects of me, he stomped on them and declared them unworthy whether he knew he did or not.
it was my fault for letting it happen.

but those are not so important.


i am the sum, i am not the additives.
but the additives are me.

silence.

you know, i don't often think of sickness and disease in nature...

but when you think of roots and stems rotted away from sitting in water, trees molding over to their demise, saturated bark becoming dead and falling away, spots that attack flowers and leaves...

it makes sense.

sometimes you wish the rotten parts of you would just rot and then die away, but instead they turn to gangrene.
you desperately try to amputate the limp before it spreads, but how is that in your power?


all your left with is fighting until the fit passes, then wearily pulling yourself back up.

put on your favorite pull-over, the only pair of jeans you like, and some red converse, look in the mirror and say 'thank goodness that isn't you... that isn't you...
you find your mind exhausted as you kick through the leaves on the ground...


mmm, feels good to walk alone, talking to yourself, watching your converse sift through the leaves and asking orion if he has to deal with such things.


the attack subsides, and you're left alone for a time.

alone means peace.

and i haven't met many people that i could feel at peace with.

just a few i suppose.

...and that one kid wasn't one of them.

*random tangents, feel free to skip.

so rolling around town in my truck with friends in tow, windows down, country music playing...
wonderful.


...even if after dinner you go to bass pro.
...and spend too much an the most amazing pull-over ever.
...i'm so yuppie in my taste sometimes i don't know what to do with myself.


then again, the lovely older/middle aged sales lady that was nearby folding clothes told me how cute i looked in it. we talked for a bit, she was quite nice indeed! ha, she loved my thick blonde hair and how it was arranged. i showed her how to put her hair like mine, etc.


was a nice post-concert time with friends.




concert today went well, jerkface's mom talked to me for a bit, she's nice and i enjoy talking to her.
She said i did a good job, told me how beautiful i looked on stage and how pretty i looked, we talked music and such.
...have a feeling his girlfriend thought it awkward that she was talking to me, or at least a friend said it was odd the way she seemed to interject and make an attempt to pull his mom's attention back to her and away from me...
glad i wasn't the only one to think that, but hey, everyone acts a bit awkward from time to time.
and in all reality, even if someone else felt awkward, mentions it and reaffirms the voice i'm silencing that doesn't mean i have to go with it.


*random
coming over here this morning I listened to...
talk radio.
a home-improvement show hosted by a plumber that gave advice to callers on anything from PVC pipes in sprinklers to making your laminate counter-tops look like granite.


...and i enjoyed it quite a bit.


perhaps i'm turning into my dad.
or my papa.


talk radio always reminds me of grandma and papa's dentist office...
it's always on and in the small building space you can hear it in the lab, the office, the waiting room, the examination room...


i love being at their office.
not quite as hopping as it once was, then again papa is mostly retired...
but some people still come because they know how great his skills in reconstruction and denture making are.


*random
dancing around to country music is fun.


*random
i like talking to people i may not know well.
having conversations with people i just met line at choir.
talking to the check-out lady at bass pro.
suppose i'm like my dad in that aspect...


-random
watched Dreamer this evening while with a friend...
wonderful horse story.


...i miss riding...
a lot.


it's a feeling you can't replace.
i also miss getting to know a horse.
having it be 'my' horse persay.
or at least interacting with it on a regular basis for an extended amount of time...

Acrobatics again, Orion? I suppose winter is coming...

oh, there you are Orion, it's been a while.
sorry, can't talk now, but i have to go chase these people down.


that being said, tactics and teaching strategy was very nice.


i think that i'm best at just teaching them good form and such, good ways to capture people, the best conduct for stealth, speculating what the other team is doing, etc...


it was just interesting the amount of times i told my team to stay back in defense.
worked wonderfully when they did.
but then at one point with a different team my oldest minion laughed as he was hiding (in a place i told someone to check. yeah. they were thorough. *note sarcasm) because he saw my defense migrating up to the line, where i told them not to be, every time i brought them back.


interesting indeed.
'stand in the shadows'
*find kid 'hiding' in the middle of the lit driveway*
'you were on offense the last two games!*
'kid complains and says he knows tactics from his marine cousin until someone on offense gives in and trades him*


i will give them this.
we always had someone on defense.


...even though my oldest minion, when he was still on my team, unknowingly gave away the position of the flag and walked about obviously...
i suppose i should have driven home the point that you must always assume you are being watched.
he was and didn't know.


WHOAH.
hey, i felt an earthquake!


i thought it was impossible that was wind.
...but no really, it was a real earthquake.


...on a side not, my very short youngest minion can run two miles in 14.30
...
that child needs cross country.
he's in fifth grade and is small.
that's haulin'
just think if he had longer legs...


you know, my mind wanders all the time when i'm outside like that.
making up verses to songs i'll never remember.
wanting to write stuff here but not trying because it will never come out right...
i suppose with the amount of people i've met that try to write songs and poetry and...
well, i suppose those types that do such things i mainly met in high school.
and camp.
just a certain type of person.
i don't want to be that type i suppose, that thinks so much of what they do and for it to not be great.
to me there's a difference between writing because you need to...
and wanting something to show off to people, wanting attention, etc...


ha, and i'm the one staring into the sky like a fool...
looking at my reflection, i suppose.


...laughing at myself because i'm managing to rhyme and am speaking in perfect verse without meaning to while gazing up.


ha, sitting there talking to Orion i got Punk Rock Princess stuck in my head.
i then thought 'You know Orion, I would have been embarrassed to bring him home to you, persay. Then again, I wasn't really excited to introduce him to my church either... I'm to loyal a friend to really consider such things... and that's not a good thing for a friend to do in such a case. At all. In all reality, embarrassment is one thing. It was a new experience. Not feeling proud of the guy you're dating... not quite being thrilled with this person meeting everyone... Now there's something wrong with that picture. My personality of accepting everyone, faults and all, really made me fall this time around. ...and now it's all i can do to keep from judging him and his girlfriend."


*random
I used to say 'mmm...' as in 'umm, thinking, thinking, thinking...' or 'remembering something wonderful'


i've been shaken out of that onomatopoeia.


quite sad actually.




*random


i remember reading a book about an old native american story.
"the rough face girl"
this girl was the youngest in her family, heroldest sister burned her with coals and hacked her hair off while the second oldest sister watched and occasionally stood up for the younger sister. the oldest sister claimed it was the girl's own stupidity that made her so burned, and the village people would laugh at her.
she had burn marks all over her face and i think kept bandages on her arms to cover the burns.
on the edge of the village lived a girl that said the girl that could see her brother, the Invisible Being, could marry him.


many girls got dressed up in expensive clothing and wen to describe the man to his sister.
The told tales of a well dressed and handsome man with fine possessions.
...the woman knew they were lying yet had them come to the wigwam.
they would see the door open and close with no one there, then as the invisible being took his moccasins off they became visible, therefore proving he was real.
the lying girls ran away shamefully.


the girl's older two sisters had taken all her father had in an attempt to look fancy enough to impress this man's sister...
after they left, the rough faced girl decided to go see the man's sister.
her father sadly told her he hadn't anymore fancy clothing to give her, so she wore moccasins that were too large and made leggings and a shirt from birch bark.
the town laughed at her as she walked to the wigwam.


she was asked the same questions, except she answered differently...
his bow was made of a rainbow, his bowstring of the milky way, and his face was of the sunset.
...smiling, the woman took the girl into the wigwam.
the rough faced girl saw the man as he walked in.


ah, i found a version of the story online.

i think this tells it best.


When they reached the wigwam, the Invisible One's sister took the strange clothes off Oochigeaskw, and washed her with water from a special jar. Under her gentle hands, the young woman's scars disappeared, leaving her skin shining and smooth. She also combed Oochigeaskw's hair, and as she did, it grew to her waist, black and gleaming as a raven's wing and ready for braiding. Oochigeaskw had not been treated with such kindness since her mother had passed on, and the joy in her face transformed it into one of surpassing beauty.
Then the sister opened a chest and took out a beautiful wedding outfit, and asked Oochigeaskw to wear it. She had just put it on when a deep voice said, "Greetings, my sister."
Oochigeaskw turned to the entrance and stared at the magnificent young hunter. She saw surprise light his face when their eyes met.


"Greetings, my brother," said the sister. "You are discovered at last!"
The Invisible One walked over to Oochigeaskw and took her hands in his. "For years I have waited to find a woman of pure heart and brave spirit. Only such a one could see me. And now that I have found you, you shall be my bride."


And so they were married. And from then on, Oochigeaskw had a new name: the Lovely One. Like her husband, she too had kept herself hidden, waiting for the right person to find her, and now that she had that person's love, she was hidden no more.


the story i had read originally incorporated more nature into it, yet i like the meaning of this aswell.

makes me feel more at home with talking to constellations as if they can hear me...


with as much as native americans see meaning in the nature around them...


makes me wonder how much of my cherokee blood affects nature for me.


...i know there isn't a direct link, but it's a beautiful thought, isn't it?

ancestors living with nature, their religion being based on the seasons around them, appreciating the life in the trees and animals as i do... and Lord... somehow it all transfers to me.

*random
i wonder if i could get registered with 1/16th or 1/8th...
i know someone that's registered, he said his great-grandma was half...
my great-grandma was half and my great-grandpa has some cherokee aswell...
hmm.

...
you know, i feel badly, but with all the stuff that one guy has done to me, i can't help but hum this...


...then again, the really cynical part of me is the one singing this.

bad cynical side, bad.

...and not like me.
...yet so like me as it brings justice.
understanding.

invoking understanding isn't always the best idea.
yet all the same, gets the point across.

very well.

when will it hit you?

*pardon my French, and really i'm just quoting.



dear ______,


please stop calling you dad a faggot and saying 'fuck -mom's name' and 'fuck -sister's name-'
and don't let others say your dad has his head up his ass and all he cares about is God, about how he gave a sermon with an annoying voice at some funeral, etc.

you make your mom go to bed with tears.


you put BRUISES on your sisters.


try doing that with me around.


you like me and wish there were more people like me.


but i don't take shit.

i don't let my friends bleed and bruise when i'm around.


just so you know.


i don't know your parents as well as you, but they don't do things to antagonize you.


and your dad does know what the world is 'fuckin' like.

he doesn't make a constant effort to creep others out, be a bitch, and not everyone that meets him wants to punch him in the face.


calm. down.


I almost want to talk to you since you respect me but i'm not sure you'd hear the reason.


and who's the one being judgemental?
maybe they're not the only ones to blame.


they gave in to you too many times and now it's out of control.
all they wanted to do was make you happy, not make you angry, and see what happened?


you can be a nice kid.
just take a deep breath and live under their house rules.
don't say anything if it gets your phone taken away.


get a freakin' job, learn some responsibility to someone other than yourself.


my mom thinks you guys need counseling for the entire family, they asked her to counsel you once but that's not her avenue of psychology.
she does however think you have a serious problem with narcissism.


at least you didn't grow up being called stupid and worthless.


people waited on you hand and foot trying to not set you off.


i stuffed myself in a corner as not to be noticed.


learn from something.


please.


and think about how broken your family is.


you already know how broken you are, but you don't quite realize it all yet.


look around and maybe that will help.

i'm not saying you're the only one at fault.
but you could start how it turns around.




-the Christian you wish more Christians were like.
...and the only person that knows your dad that you allow to be your facebook friend.

well can't you see that it's just raining...

"Does it make me less Christian if I don't post about God at least once a day, don't answer with 'AMEN!' or 'Praise the Lord!' to something, never post worship song lyrics, do not enjoy or feel worshipful while listening to worship music in church or on the radio, never post about how much I love Christ no matter what other people think, only learned one or two things from church/chapel in the past year, don't tell people about Jesus on a regular basis, and don't ask people to pray for me all the time?


Maybe I'm just the kind of person to talk to God like He's a friend, the One that has always been there for me when constant yelling and degrading ran down my back like rainwater but still weathered me down. Walking along in His creation and just existing, that is my worship. Feeling the life in nature... That is my worship. Trying to be a positive influence on the kids at church or camp, trying to make people laugh... that is my witness. When some people pray as if they're tugging at God's robe, I'm sitting in the pew holding a conversation with my best Friend. I may not get on my knees on a regular basis, but I'm always in conversation.
I'm not saying people that aren't like me are wrong...Everyone is different.Yet some people that aren't like me think that I'm wrong for not being like them.
I never set out to /do/...God just made me in such a way that the best way for me to honor Him is by trying to be myself.
I suppose, in a way, I set out to /be/"


...and the people that feel affirmed by this post i put on facebook...
as in my agnostic cousin that is convinced Jesus isn't the way...
i'm wondering if she kind of gets the point.

seeing as she shuts up anyone that talks about theology and doesn't even want me to share my views...

hmm.
but then again it's been a while since i've spoken to her, and i think she knows where i stand.

at anyrate, i just felt that post needed to be said.
17 people have 'liked' it on facebook.
suppose i didn't think it would really be noticed.

-random
had a lovely visit with a freshman friend, i made her hot chocolate and we talked about all manner of things.

pleasant evening, i like it when i can host people...
quite a bit actually.
perhaps i'll have a nice home one day and can host friends :)

until then i'll dream of a big comfy cream-colored couch, open windows with rainy weather, and a sense of mellow calmness...

...Lord, You're much too ornery.
haha!

...the font is way whacked on this post and i can't enter 'compose' mode...
*forehead desk*