when in doubt, take a shower.
put on your favorite purple underwear, and your favorite old hockey shirt.
wear shorts and some flip flops.
go barefoot in the grass.
at least edge the numb with the outside.
make your hair look nice because it feels better that way.
...or let your hair fly in the wind because it feels amazing and it doesn't matter if it is disheveled, no one cares.
talk to your 'older brother' orion, the constellations are friends God put in place just for you.
and remember that in your worst God will still hug you.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
life's a metaphor...
the silly birds out my window are unaware that it's night, they're singing regardless...
singing as if it were daytime...
their singing at night is so peaceful...
i wonder, does a blind bird sing in the night, or is it just one that sees the day despite the night?
singing as if it were daytime...
their singing at night is so peaceful...
i wonder, does a blind bird sing in the night, or is it just one that sees the day despite the night?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
ARRRGH, walk the plank, matey!
told a friend as we were outside that the clouds looked so real, as if they were the only things that were truly there and real...
she said she doesn't really think poetically...
that wasn't really poetic, could be i suppose.
desperately wish i could be outside...
yet i'll be doing nothing at directing practice for the next three hours then working with my group for a presentation for two hours after...
in my choir auditions the director was very impressed with the progress i have made, great improvement and he's very happy with how i've grown...
he's still going to have to talk to my vocal instructor...
and do a lot of thinking...
i'm just a confusing person as far as voice is concerned.
made me quite happy that he thought so much of me, and he said that there are a two things for sure, i need to keep singing and i need to keep having voice lessons. this was said as 'you need to sing. you also need to learn and work.' kind of way.
my contralto friend has began saying 'when you're a music major' to me.
heh...
umm...
perhaps one day.
actually, yesterday sitting at my computer doing homework i really thought 'do i want to do this for the rest of my life? and i really that good at this?'
but what would i do with a music major?
random:
"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
it is not a good idea to judge others, but i seem judge myself so heavily that i just accidentally put that mold on others at times. rather, the measure you judge yourself is how you will judge others. in my case leastways... but shouldn't it be that way anyhow?
not that you are to judge others, but if you expect something of another you need to expect it of yourself aswell.
suppose i should replace 'judge' with 'expect'
i'm sorry that my pet peeves include bad breath and that i dislike excessive cussing, vulgar, or just unclean language, i can't stand it when people brag on themselves, can't stand arrogance, when people assume and don't investigate your meaning, when people think that they're better than you... any of that!
call me proper or a perfectionist, but that's just the way i am.
is anything (save the breath thing which doesn't really matter) a good thing to do anyway?
i also have a ridiculous ingrained sense to not inconvenience anyone...
suppose however that while i may see the 'speck' in another's eye (i really don't think about it though... people are not held to my standard, why should they be?) i am painfully aware of the plank in my own, or have already removed the plank and don't want it to come back.
*odd realization*
Lord, in being by myself so much, I spent most of my life with You really.
you tend to emulate those you're around the most.
yet i suppose it just rubs me the wrong way when people aren't like You...
partly because You're what i'm used to.
so i suppose that's why i dislike arrogance, boasting and such to such an extent...?
but of course, in my oxymoronic mind, while it bothers me when people are arrogant and whatnot, i also just don't notice faults. i do and i don't.
difficult to explain, so i'll leave it as a paradox.
so if people don't like the core of my standards...
sorry, i'm used to hangin' out with God.
and myself, i suppose...
ha, once a few guys at camp, last year i think, said 'Lindsay, is there anyone that you could possibly not get along with? is it really possible to not like you?'
...i don't know?
but i suppose i'm quite myself at camp...
and i hope i can be myself this summer...
she said she doesn't really think poetically...
that wasn't really poetic, could be i suppose.
desperately wish i could be outside...
yet i'll be doing nothing at directing practice for the next three hours then working with my group for a presentation for two hours after...
in my choir auditions the director was very impressed with the progress i have made, great improvement and he's very happy with how i've grown...
he's still going to have to talk to my vocal instructor...
and do a lot of thinking...
i'm just a confusing person as far as voice is concerned.
made me quite happy that he thought so much of me, and he said that there are a two things for sure, i need to keep singing and i need to keep having voice lessons. this was said as 'you need to sing. you also need to learn and work.' kind of way.
my contralto friend has began saying 'when you're a music major' to me.
heh...
umm...
perhaps one day.
actually, yesterday sitting at my computer doing homework i really thought 'do i want to do this for the rest of my life? and i really that good at this?'
but what would i do with a music major?
random:
"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
it is not a good idea to judge others, but i seem judge myself so heavily that i just accidentally put that mold on others at times. rather, the measure you judge yourself is how you will judge others. in my case leastways... but shouldn't it be that way anyhow?
not that you are to judge others, but if you expect something of another you need to expect it of yourself aswell.
suppose i should replace 'judge' with 'expect'
i'm sorry that my pet peeves include bad breath and that i dislike excessive cussing, vulgar, or just unclean language, i can't stand it when people brag on themselves, can't stand arrogance, when people assume and don't investigate your meaning, when people think that they're better than you... any of that!
call me proper or a perfectionist, but that's just the way i am.
is anything (save the breath thing which doesn't really matter) a good thing to do anyway?
i also have a ridiculous ingrained sense to not inconvenience anyone...
suppose however that while i may see the 'speck' in another's eye (i really don't think about it though... people are not held to my standard, why should they be?) i am painfully aware of the plank in my own, or have already removed the plank and don't want it to come back.
*odd realization*
Lord, in being by myself so much, I spent most of my life with You really.
you tend to emulate those you're around the most.
yet i suppose it just rubs me the wrong way when people aren't like You...
partly because You're what i'm used to.
so i suppose that's why i dislike arrogance, boasting and such to such an extent...?
but of course, in my oxymoronic mind, while it bothers me when people are arrogant and whatnot, i also just don't notice faults. i do and i don't.
difficult to explain, so i'll leave it as a paradox.
so if people don't like the core of my standards...
sorry, i'm used to hangin' out with God.
and myself, i suppose...
ha, once a few guys at camp, last year i think, said 'Lindsay, is there anyone that you could possibly not get along with? is it really possible to not like you?'
...i don't know?
but i suppose i'm quite myself at camp...
and i hope i can be myself this summer...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
a chisel and a hammer
"The soul that is within me no man can degrade." – Frederick Douglass
no, but it can be buried under the debris of life.
yet it still pulls through.
odd how life can have such 'debris' whereas it's such a wonderful thing...
yet even things that are wonderful and sacred can be terrible and dangerous, hurtful and pained.
but if it was always perfect, what would be the worth?
i may be a perfectionist, yet i also recognize that things are never going to be perfect.
i may work with computer programs trying to make the perfect design, but whenever people are involved how is perfection to be attained?
could we be perfect only through realizing our own imperfection?
accepting it?
my mistakes may haunt me, and my imperfections glare at me day and night, but the imperfections in my life make it that much more worth it.
the dark places in life make it that much more worth it.
how deep your hurt is how deep your life is.
so i may go on trying to perfect myself...
but i'm not the one perfecting me.
life is.
circumstances.
experiences.
i aspire to be the best that i can be, that i know i am, anytime you attempt to better yourself you're battling imperfection, you are being a perfectionist.
various names for the same concept.
i suppose it depends on your perception.
and in all reality, while it may not be my imperfections that people jumped on my entire life, but i have learned to be self-conscious of even tiny flaws that no one notices... not the best thing to learn...
but instead of focusing on those and being haunted by every small thing that i do wrong, i should just focus on being who i am best...
the rest will follow.
this applies to quite a bit indeed, not just life and imperfections...
i'm just rambling on pointlessly, i fully intended this post to be a quote and two lines.
i may strive for perfection in my design projects...
but i do love to photograph the rusted, the forgotten, the old, the dying...
yet in loving that aspect of life, i find a new appreciation for the rest...
the new, the clean, the fresh, the reviving...
and it doesn't matter if it's rusted over or bursting with the feeling of spring...
they're both equally alive.
i was not made for an easy life,
and for that i am eternally grateful.
but i was made to attain that one day...
that much i know...
not 'easy' as it was bought at a great price, but most definitely worthwhile.
but as life is life, there will always be times...
or perhaps this content life that i know will come is just being weathered enough to take it all in stride...
hmm...
Lord, have i thanked you for trusting me so much?
today, i mean?
thank you.
You created me in such a way that i cannot dispute, and i hope most others can say the same.
"There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall, so many laws to keep you from experience. All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy, stifling state in which most people pass through life. I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride. All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die. I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow. I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun - hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks. People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case." I will turn and say to them "It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job, cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive. For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that. For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!" And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup." - henry rollins
no, but it can be buried under the debris of life.
yet it still pulls through.
odd how life can have such 'debris' whereas it's such a wonderful thing...
yet even things that are wonderful and sacred can be terrible and dangerous, hurtful and pained.
but if it was always perfect, what would be the worth?
i may be a perfectionist, yet i also recognize that things are never going to be perfect.
i may work with computer programs trying to make the perfect design, but whenever people are involved how is perfection to be attained?
could we be perfect only through realizing our own imperfection?
accepting it?
my mistakes may haunt me, and my imperfections glare at me day and night, but the imperfections in my life make it that much more worth it.
the dark places in life make it that much more worth it.
how deep your hurt is how deep your life is.
so i may go on trying to perfect myself...
but i'm not the one perfecting me.
life is.
circumstances.
experiences.
i aspire to be the best that i can be, that i know i am, anytime you attempt to better yourself you're battling imperfection, you are being a perfectionist.
various names for the same concept.
i suppose it depends on your perception.
and in all reality, while it may not be my imperfections that people jumped on my entire life, but i have learned to be self-conscious of even tiny flaws that no one notices... not the best thing to learn...
but instead of focusing on those and being haunted by every small thing that i do wrong, i should just focus on being who i am best...
the rest will follow.
this applies to quite a bit indeed, not just life and imperfections...
i'm just rambling on pointlessly, i fully intended this post to be a quote and two lines.
i may strive for perfection in my design projects...
but i do love to photograph the rusted, the forgotten, the old, the dying...
yet in loving that aspect of life, i find a new appreciation for the rest...
the new, the clean, the fresh, the reviving...
and it doesn't matter if it's rusted over or bursting with the feeling of spring...
they're both equally alive.
i was not made for an easy life,
and for that i am eternally grateful.
but i was made to attain that one day...
that much i know...
not 'easy' as it was bought at a great price, but most definitely worthwhile.
but as life is life, there will always be times...
or perhaps this content life that i know will come is just being weathered enough to take it all in stride...
hmm...
Lord, have i thanked you for trusting me so much?
today, i mean?
thank you.
You created me in such a way that i cannot dispute, and i hope most others can say the same.
"There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall, so many laws to keep you from experience. All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy, stifling state in which most people pass through life. I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride. All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die. I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow. I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun - hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks. People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case." I will turn and say to them "It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job, cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive. For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that. For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!" And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup." - henry rollins
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
epic win.
so apparently as my contralto friend will not let one of my friends do any realy physical damage to him, so backstage of a concert my friend wound up and almost punched him to the point that he fell down...
...
she then said 'you know why' and walked away.
this made my day.
even if he doesn't know why.
...
she then said 'you know why' and walked away.
this made my day.
even if he doesn't know why.
if life had background music it'd play your song...
what i normally feel like in spring:
but i think the highest i can attain for now is this:
but i think the highest i can attain for now is this:
Monday, April 25, 2011
130
"My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning; I say more than they that watch for the morning."
sometimes those that are waiting for the Lord are also watching for the morning...
sometimes those that are waiting for the Lord are also watching for the morning...
All at once, the world can overwhelm me...
random:
a while ago I took a walk with one of my friends, while we were by the church that's on campus we came across the end of a hopscotch game drawn in chalk that ended at number 100.
so naturally i hopped all the way to the beginning where it read 'here you are mom, have fun, i love you!' is misspelled elementary school penmanship.
there are not too many things in the world that make me want to be a parent as opposed to most girls that just saying 'awww!' at pretty much everything, but that's one of them.
that and seeing little kids skating around in their hockey jerseys, or little kids with huge hockey gloves skating around.
i want to go ice skating...
pity my only ice skating friend has a firm hold on the knife in my back.
i remember last fall, the first couple of days of september, may even have been last few days of august, i was jogging with a new friend and we were talking about sports that we wished we could have played when we were little. i said that if i had kids i hardcore wanted them to play hockey, that i definitely wanted to be a hockey mom. she laughed and said i definitely would be...
today it somehow came up that had i asked mom instead of dad to play hockey when i was younger i would have been able to, i was the 'ask once and never bring it up again' kind of kid.
-picks up post five hours later-
i've been reading 'the art of singing' by william shakespeare (not the one from stratford upon avon!) a book printed in the 30s i believe, perhaps 20s...
it's been on my piano for as long as i can remember, and today as i was looking at the range charts and noting that it mentioned contralto... my grandma said the book was my great-grandmothers...
since she couldn't afford lessons, that was how she learned to sing, she would play duets with the man from next door.
i really wish i had known my great-grandmother, to survive such hard times in her life, to love music so much... and i think that she would have loved to have a great-grandchild that took after her so, that wanted her to play the accompaniment so she could practice for her voice juries, that gets a warm fuzzy feeling thinking of the piano that will be hers and who played on it with such skill for years and years...
at anyrate, unknowingly reading her voice book just felt right.
wish i had someone in my family that really knew music...
*sigh*
unrelated, but life hurts, you know?
*curls up in ball*
All at once,
The world can overwhelm me
There's almost nothin' that you could tell me
That could ease my mind
Which way will you run
When it's always all around you
And the feelin' lost and found you again
A feelin' that we have no control
Around the sun
Some say
There's gonna be the new hell
Some say
It's still too early to tell
Some say
It really ain't no myth at all
Keep askin' ourselves are we really
Strong enough
There's so many things that we got
Too proud of
We're too proud of
We're too proud of
I wanna take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
Instead we'll plant some seeds
We'll watch em' as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart the roots grow deeper
The branches will they reach for what
Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
Theres this heart all alone
What about is gone
And it really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all
Theres a world we've never seen
Theres still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all
Could blow away with a breeze
If you're waiting on the wind
Don't forget to breathe
Cause as the darkness gets deeper
We'll be sinkin as we reach for love
At least somethin we could hold
But I'll reach to you from where time just cant go
What about is gone
And it really wont be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all
EDIT:
whoever i end up with will indeed have to "take the preconceived" out from underneath my feet...
because this last one...
proved every preconceived notion right.
and then some.
a while ago I took a walk with one of my friends, while we were by the church that's on campus we came across the end of a hopscotch game drawn in chalk that ended at number 100.
so naturally i hopped all the way to the beginning where it read 'here you are mom, have fun, i love you!' is misspelled elementary school penmanship.
there are not too many things in the world that make me want to be a parent as opposed to most girls that just saying 'awww!' at pretty much everything, but that's one of them.
that and seeing little kids skating around in their hockey jerseys, or little kids with huge hockey gloves skating around.
i want to go ice skating...
pity my only ice skating friend has a firm hold on the knife in my back.
i remember last fall, the first couple of days of september, may even have been last few days of august, i was jogging with a new friend and we were talking about sports that we wished we could have played when we were little. i said that if i had kids i hardcore wanted them to play hockey, that i definitely wanted to be a hockey mom. she laughed and said i definitely would be...
today it somehow came up that had i asked mom instead of dad to play hockey when i was younger i would have been able to, i was the 'ask once and never bring it up again' kind of kid.
-picks up post five hours later-
i've been reading 'the art of singing' by william shakespeare (not the one from stratford upon avon!) a book printed in the 30s i believe, perhaps 20s...
it's been on my piano for as long as i can remember, and today as i was looking at the range charts and noting that it mentioned contralto... my grandma said the book was my great-grandmothers...
since she couldn't afford lessons, that was how she learned to sing, she would play duets with the man from next door.
i really wish i had known my great-grandmother, to survive such hard times in her life, to love music so much... and i think that she would have loved to have a great-grandchild that took after her so, that wanted her to play the accompaniment so she could practice for her voice juries, that gets a warm fuzzy feeling thinking of the piano that will be hers and who played on it with such skill for years and years...
at anyrate, unknowingly reading her voice book just felt right.
wish i had someone in my family that really knew music...
*sigh*
unrelated, but life hurts, you know?
*curls up in ball*
All at once,
The world can overwhelm me
There's almost nothin' that you could tell me
That could ease my mind
Which way will you run
When it's always all around you
And the feelin' lost and found you again
A feelin' that we have no control
Around the sun
Some say
There's gonna be the new hell
Some say
It's still too early to tell
Some say
It really ain't no myth at all
Keep askin' ourselves are we really
Strong enough
There's so many things that we got
Too proud of
We're too proud of
We're too proud of
I wanna take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
Instead we'll plant some seeds
We'll watch em' as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart the roots grow deeper
The branches will they reach for what
Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
Theres this heart all alone
What about is gone
And it really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all
Theres a world we've never seen
Theres still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all
Could blow away with a breeze
If you're waiting on the wind
Don't forget to breathe
Cause as the darkness gets deeper
We'll be sinkin as we reach for love
At least somethin we could hold
But I'll reach to you from where time just cant go
What about is gone
And it really wont be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all
EDIT:
whoever i end up with will indeed have to "take the preconceived" out from underneath my feet...
because this last one...
proved every preconceived notion right.
and then some.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
always by myself, yet never alone.
"this world can be ugly but isn't it beautiful..."
my own resurrection would never have been possible were it not for Jesus' resurrection long ago...
none of my resurrections would have been...
His resurrection was a lot harder than mine with unspeakably more weight upon His shoulders...
and He's helping me.
quite the honor indeed.
haha, a lot of people quote Bible verses or praise and worship songs on Easter...
my status is from Jack's Mannequin.
yet it's so true.
random thought of the day:
praise and worship artists are famous...
for praising God.
they make their money and fame by worshiping You, Lord...
not sure how i feel about the concept even if i'm fine with it, You know what i mean?
my own resurrection would never have been possible were it not for Jesus' resurrection long ago...
none of my resurrections would have been...
His resurrection was a lot harder than mine with unspeakably more weight upon His shoulders...
and He's helping me.
quite the honor indeed.
haha, a lot of people quote Bible verses or praise and worship songs on Easter...
my status is from Jack's Mannequin.
yet it's so true.
random thought of the day:
praise and worship artists are famous...
for praising God.
they make their money and fame by worshiping You, Lord...
not sure how i feel about the concept even if i'm fine with it, You know what i mean?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
it's a simple as something that nobody knows...
love jack johnson...
when you move like a jellyfish rhythm don't mean nothing you go with the flow you don't stop...
just don't take the jellyfish out of water and expect it to still go with the flow.
love that song, wonderful feel...
haha, if i lived near the beach my feet would probably be 'all covered in tar balls and scars' instead of grass stains and dirt...
well, at least a fair combination of both.
random:
it difficult to be robbed of yourself.
by someone you trusted.
or anyone for that matter.
especially when you're finally really getting used to being yourself.
i think that's part of what really bothered me, i haven't even been living my own life for four years, learning to love living out who i really am...
and now i've been temporarily robbed of my ability to live that. ish.
"i never seen nobody move the way she did, well she did and she does and she'll do it again..."
haha, Lord i've come so far in the past four years...
three years...
two years...
even the past year.
and with the person i've become, i'm just excited to continue growing.
love this house, my beautiful kimball upright piano...
everything is clean and just...
i've always liked it here.
yet it's sad for me to see the run down garden that papa used to work on so much...
great scot, to see it overgrown, no bright colors, dead brush in the flower beds, the decorative ponds leaking and not turned on, no fish in them...
just...
sad indeed...
yet planting those two large pots of flowers was wonderful...
placing them carefully and trying to put them in such a way that each flower has its perfect place and will be seen well...
breaking the roots apart so they'll grow stronger in the new surroundings.
breaking the roots apart so they'll grow in new directions.
of course, apologizing to the young plant if i pulled a blossom or leaf of by mistake.
digging around in the dirt while breathing fresh air...
helps greatly indeed.
'well she did and she does and she'll do it again...'
when you move like a jellyfish rhythm don't mean nothing you go with the flow you don't stop...
just don't take the jellyfish out of water and expect it to still go with the flow.
love that song, wonderful feel...
haha, if i lived near the beach my feet would probably be 'all covered in tar balls and scars' instead of grass stains and dirt...
well, at least a fair combination of both.
random:
it difficult to be robbed of yourself.
by someone you trusted.
or anyone for that matter.
especially when you're finally really getting used to being yourself.
i think that's part of what really bothered me, i haven't even been living my own life for four years, learning to love living out who i really am...
and now i've been temporarily robbed of my ability to live that. ish.
"i never seen nobody move the way she did, well she did and she does and she'll do it again..."
haha, Lord i've come so far in the past four years...
three years...
two years...
even the past year.
and with the person i've become, i'm just excited to continue growing.
love this house, my beautiful kimball upright piano...
everything is clean and just...
i've always liked it here.
yet it's sad for me to see the run down garden that papa used to work on so much...
great scot, to see it overgrown, no bright colors, dead brush in the flower beds, the decorative ponds leaking and not turned on, no fish in them...
just...
sad indeed...
yet planting those two large pots of flowers was wonderful...
placing them carefully and trying to put them in such a way that each flower has its perfect place and will be seen well...
breaking the roots apart so they'll grow stronger in the new surroundings.
breaking the roots apart so they'll grow in new directions.
of course, apologizing to the young plant if i pulled a blossom or leaf of by mistake.
digging around in the dirt while breathing fresh air...
helps greatly indeed.
'well she did and she does and she'll do it again...'
i should be outside enjoying the misty breeze...
another instance of being pinned down and asked to do something and not being able to do it;
when my mom wanted me to sing the song i'd been singing around the house.
and so she and grandma were there telling me to sing and...
had i not been asked and i just randomly sang it all would be well...
but when put under a microscope i just...
can't.
i'm not sure why...
just in instances like that it's like a butterfly with her wings pinned down and on display, and i can't figure it out.
pin the wings down and tell her to fly...
i shrink and just clam up.
kind of like that valentine's day, for some reason i didn't want to guess where we were going...
pin the wings down and then tell me to fly.
i don't understand, but i just shrink away and the more i'm asked to do something the more timid i am.
if the subject were dropped all together then i probably could, but when people keep at it...
i just don't understand my reaction.
or on the jazz band bus during spring break, all the girls took turns trying to imitate the odd and hilarious laughter that one of our vocalists has, then their recording camera faced me and they all said i should do it, the more convincing they did the more i shrunk and wanted to hide.
how can i be so far out there, but when i'm pleaded with to come out i just clam up?
when my mom wanted me to sing the song i'd been singing around the house.
and so she and grandma were there telling me to sing and...
had i not been asked and i just randomly sang it all would be well...
but when put under a microscope i just...
can't.
i'm not sure why...
just in instances like that it's like a butterfly with her wings pinned down and on display, and i can't figure it out.
pin the wings down and tell her to fly...
i shrink and just clam up.
kind of like that valentine's day, for some reason i didn't want to guess where we were going...
pin the wings down and then tell me to fly.
i don't understand, but i just shrink away and the more i'm asked to do something the more timid i am.
if the subject were dropped all together then i probably could, but when people keep at it...
i just don't understand my reaction.
or on the jazz band bus during spring break, all the girls took turns trying to imitate the odd and hilarious laughter that one of our vocalists has, then their recording camera faced me and they all said i should do it, the more convincing they did the more i shrunk and wanted to hide.
how can i be so far out there, but when i'm pleaded with to come out i just clam up?
...freedom from pain for a close friend.
apparently sydney's lungs were 75% filled with fluid, may have been cancer, which with as pained and anemic as he looked is actually what i thought yesterday oddly enough... his tongue turned colors when he got excited, he couldn't really breathe... it could have been something else, but if they were wrong then he would have suffocated to death anyhow, and there wasn't much more we could do unless we decided to take him to the university so... yeah. poor dad wrestled with the decision all day... our regular vet wasn't there today, but dad really wanted to hear it all from him, so they called our vet and he called dad... when he called asking if mom was home and didn't tell me why, well, that confirmed it all for me. even thought of blogging about it then. i finally asked mom after she got home and she told me.
at anyrate, since dad didn't 'want to dig a hole big enough for a horse' they're cremating him, said we didn't want the ashes. mom said that what made it sydney wasn't there anymore, she's right.
...syd was barely there yesterday, when he was alive...
at anyrate, dad said he looked better this morning, he was...
he was smiling out the window and such...
great scot, i'm glad he didn't end up having me help.
i had said goodbye yesterday, syd followed me to the gate...
it was always hard to leave those big eyes and wagging tail at the gate...
but leaving the sloped back, weary legs, pained eyes, and tail that couldn't wag...
so much harder...
at anyrate...
thinking of his lifeless body burning was an image i ran from.
i'm glad he's no longer in pain...
he held on that long, last week when i was home and i visited him i knew it would be soon, i told him to hang on for me...
he hung on just enough...
for me.
at least this time i got to say goodbye.
i know he's just a dog, but i feel bad for dying flowers for pete's sake...
that and he was 15, my other dog that died in january was 17...
they were just kind of always there, i would go and cry to them, talk to them when i had no one else.
i just feel terrible for the loss of anylife...
*random
this song has been going through my mind today:
often what i think of when i see homeless people...
or anyone really...
i always think of their past, of what brought them there, why they're here...
random thought during the two kind of good hours that i had:
thinking is the wine in which dreamers are drunk.
i love that quote...
so true to me.
INTJ and INFP, if that is what i am...
when the two come together perfectly...
thinking indeed is the wine in which dreamers are drunk.
intoxicating thoughts may be mistresses revered throughout the ages, flirting with countless minds yet seeming new to each lover...
but that does not make them less fascinating.
at anyrate, since dad didn't 'want to dig a hole big enough for a horse' they're cremating him, said we didn't want the ashes. mom said that what made it sydney wasn't there anymore, she's right.
...syd was barely there yesterday, when he was alive...
at anyrate, dad said he looked better this morning, he was...
he was smiling out the window and such...
great scot, i'm glad he didn't end up having me help.
i had said goodbye yesterday, syd followed me to the gate...
it was always hard to leave those big eyes and wagging tail at the gate...
but leaving the sloped back, weary legs, pained eyes, and tail that couldn't wag...
so much harder...
at anyrate...
thinking of his lifeless body burning was an image i ran from.
i'm glad he's no longer in pain...
he held on that long, last week when i was home and i visited him i knew it would be soon, i told him to hang on for me...
he hung on just enough...
for me.
at least this time i got to say goodbye.
i know he's just a dog, but i feel bad for dying flowers for pete's sake...
that and he was 15, my other dog that died in january was 17...
they were just kind of always there, i would go and cry to them, talk to them when i had no one else.
i just feel terrible for the loss of anylife...
*random
this song has been going through my mind today:
often what i think of when i see homeless people...
or anyone really...
i always think of their past, of what brought them there, why they're here...
random thought during the two kind of good hours that i had:
thinking is the wine in which dreamers are drunk.
i love that quote...
so true to me.
INTJ and INFP, if that is what i am...
when the two come together perfectly...
thinking indeed is the wine in which dreamers are drunk.
intoxicating thoughts may be mistresses revered throughout the ages, flirting with countless minds yet seeming new to each lover...
but that does not make them less fascinating.
Friday, April 22, 2011
so about my dog...
dad took him to the vet this morning by himself.
and as for the vet's diagnosis...
let's just say that i'm always right.
he's not coming home.
*sigh*
i knew that as i held his head close to mine and stroked his soft bushy ears...
that last look i gave him, the last look he gave me...
we both knew it.
i just didn't want to acknowledge it.
i was wondering what that feeling was today...
well now i know.
and as for the vet's diagnosis...
let's just say that i'm always right.
he's not coming home.
*sigh*
i knew that as i held his head close to mine and stroked his soft bushy ears...
that last look i gave him, the last look he gave me...
we both knew it.
i just didn't want to acknowledge it.
i was wondering what that feeling was today...
well now i know.
here's to a brighter tomorrow.
and now in an attempt to shake off the blues, i will drowsily read my 'a charlie brown Christmas' storybook and hope dad takes me to tractor supply company after we take my dog to the vet in the morning...
you know, i am content with life.
because in all reality, i didn't ask for this, i didn't ask for the pain to still be here.
but God trusts me so much.
and He always knows what He's doing.
the trials are so dear to me, they form me, and never in a bad way...
"and this is the simple truth: that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look around for something to which to cling; and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. all the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.'
-soren kierkegaard
i have learned to live in the lost, i may be dead now but great scot i can still swim.
you know, i am content with life.
because in all reality, i didn't ask for this, i didn't ask for the pain to still be here.
but God trusts me so much.
and He always knows what He's doing.
the trials are so dear to me, they form me, and never in a bad way...
"and this is the simple truth: that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look around for something to which to cling; and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. all the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.'
-soren kierkegaard
i have learned to live in the lost, i may be dead now but great scot i can still swim.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
believe it or not, i'm not here because i want to be.
i sat with my contralto friend for a couple of hours, found out she tested as an INFJ, but she used to be INTJ... i can see where her feeling side has developed to such that it's now an F. and is very strong in judging, very strong indeed.
as for me...
i have thought that maybe i was an INFP and the INTJ grew out of necessity, then again, who knows what i really am, that's just based on a couple of tests.
at anyrate, it was fun to hangout with her.
when she sad i should be over it by now, that i'm dwelling and could pull myself away if i wanted to...
i just can't.
she said it's unhealthy for it to still bother me that much.
i recognize that.
but what can i do?
i didn't choose this.
i don't want this.
it still hurts, i can't help that.
then again, the one-two punch with him going back out with the girl he had feelings for while we dated didn't help.
but she said that it's a sign of deeper issues that haven't been solved.
she doesn't really know my history too much, enough i suppose.
'solving' them is a long process, and the scars have been opened up to experience once again.
it's really not just him, it's all those scars that managed to open and deepen.
everyone has unresolved issues...
i'm not that different am i...?
"but we all fade sometimes i believe..."
everyone works through things differently, and for me what needs to be changed is so deep seated that it just takes work... and a lot of time... trying to grow what i believe about myself into what i know, what is true...
perspectives take a lot of work to change, how you view yourself is a difficult subject. it takes years to form, let alone rebuild.
...especially when one person seems to believe in you, you trust them, and then they just go and unknowingly affirm all of the negative voices in your head.
when you've been trying to quiet them down and live without believing them for so long, that sudden surge tears you apart.
hit me in just the right spot i suppose.
hmm...
you know, i don't think she knows how alive i can be, and how dead i am now...
that alone just...
just...
i am getting better.
but still...
so tired...
random: i hate acne.
as for me...
i have thought that maybe i was an INFP and the INTJ grew out of necessity, then again, who knows what i really am, that's just based on a couple of tests.
at anyrate, it was fun to hangout with her.
when she sad i should be over it by now, that i'm dwelling and could pull myself away if i wanted to...
i just can't.
she said it's unhealthy for it to still bother me that much.
i recognize that.
but what can i do?
i didn't choose this.
i don't want this.
it still hurts, i can't help that.
then again, the one-two punch with him going back out with the girl he had feelings for while we dated didn't help.
but she said that it's a sign of deeper issues that haven't been solved.
she doesn't really know my history too much, enough i suppose.
'solving' them is a long process, and the scars have been opened up to experience once again.
it's really not just him, it's all those scars that managed to open and deepen.
everyone has unresolved issues...
i'm not that different am i...?
"but we all fade sometimes i believe..."
everyone works through things differently, and for me what needs to be changed is so deep seated that it just takes work... and a lot of time... trying to grow what i believe about myself into what i know, what is true...
perspectives take a lot of work to change, how you view yourself is a difficult subject. it takes years to form, let alone rebuild.
...especially when one person seems to believe in you, you trust them, and then they just go and unknowingly affirm all of the negative voices in your head.
when you've been trying to quiet them down and live without believing them for so long, that sudden surge tears you apart.
hit me in just the right spot i suppose.
hmm...
you know, i don't think she knows how alive i can be, and how dead i am now...
that alone just...
just...
i am getting better.
but still...
so tired...
random: i hate acne.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
'the river is everywhere' ...and i'm lost in the waves...
"life is great to those who are blind to pain; but to those that see and experience pain, life is glorious."
i definitly mean that statement.
but that doesn't mean life doesn't also hurt.
it does however mean that you know that the hurt is worth the living.
"even if my voice comes back again, maybe they'll be no one listening, and even if I find the strength to stand, doesn't mean I won't go missing... and the world will come crashing..."
"condemened to be free" indeed...
i definitly mean that statement.
but that doesn't mean life doesn't also hurt.
it does however mean that you know that the hurt is worth the living.
"even if my voice comes back again, maybe they'll be no one listening, and even if I find the strength to stand, doesn't mean I won't go missing... and the world will come crashing..."
"condemened to be free" indeed...
Monday, April 18, 2011
living at the top of my lungs...
earlier when i said my face just relaxes...
well, stepping outside and feeling the air...
i can feel like a stormy sea of calm waters.
there's no other way to describe it...
sunshine laughing upon the sea, calm motion, stormy waters...
great expanse underneath the surface...
feels wonderful outside (c. 6pmish,) you have to look for the feel of that air as it seems to have halted despite the breeze, yet it feels so calm...
accepting of the storm to come, and i dearly hope it storms...
*checks forecast*
yes, storms it is, hope they come early in the night!
i doubt they will, but one can hope, and weather can change quickly...
suppose that's the difference between me and the weather, and the sea...
i'm a bit more like the landscape, just living in the clouds.
i'm ridiculous personifying such things as these...
yet it does fit, or so it seems to me...
haha, were greek mythology true i would have a mind that i was related to or actually was a dryad or nymph, spirit of nature in maiden form.
or were i in narnia...
just had a long talk with a good friend that's going through some stuff... we're watching a show that just mentioned the st. valentine's day massacre.
so i just said 'the st. valentine's day massacre: __the guy i dated__was just over 80 years too late.'
and apparently with the 'way i said it' she just laughed her head off...
sarcasm can be amusing.
...even if i feel guilty about it.
well, stepping outside and feeling the air...
i can feel like a stormy sea of calm waters.
there's no other way to describe it...
sunshine laughing upon the sea, calm motion, stormy waters...
great expanse underneath the surface...
feels wonderful outside (c. 6pmish,) you have to look for the feel of that air as it seems to have halted despite the breeze, yet it feels so calm...
accepting of the storm to come, and i dearly hope it storms...
*checks forecast*
yes, storms it is, hope they come early in the night!
i doubt they will, but one can hope, and weather can change quickly...
suppose that's the difference between me and the weather, and the sea...
i'm a bit more like the landscape, just living in the clouds.
i'm ridiculous personifying such things as these...
yet it does fit, or so it seems to me...
haha, were greek mythology true i would have a mind that i was related to or actually was a dryad or nymph, spirit of nature in maiden form.
or were i in narnia...
just had a long talk with a good friend that's going through some stuff... we're watching a show that just mentioned the st. valentine's day massacre.
so i just said 'the st. valentine's day massacre: __the guy i dated__was just over 80 years too late.'
and apparently with the 'way i said it' she just laughed her head off...
sarcasm can be amusing.
...even if i feel guilty about it.
forging a new path to the same old destination.
through my negative and haunting thoughts on sunday morning i remember one that did salvage the service i was playing:
i remember that when i started to play bass guitar, it wasn't just because i wanted to...
i felt that i needed to.
that God was telling me to pick it up and i hadn't the slightest notion as to why.
of course, when my mom mentioned that i should play bass so i could play with them at church, that just kicked me in the tail and affirmed what i already thought...
God was telling me that i would use it to serve Him. i knew that He didn't mean by playing in church on sunday, albeit that was nice but i really did it because mom wanted me to. but it helped me gain experience before playing in HS jazz band my junior and senior years... which helped me gain experience for college jazz...
and now i'm seeing how much God has been preparing me to serve my current jazz band and to serve Him in germany...
living with the people of germany for three weeks, we're not there to be tourists at all. and we'll live with host families, talk to the people, eat with them, etc.
my type of ministry: living. witnessing by living for Christ...
that's what i love about being a counselor, leading by example...
so odd, Lord you created me to be a good example and someone for those kids to look up to...
i've never really had anyone to look up to, but i try...
i digress...
the thought just kind of struck me, i had forgotten the real reason i started playing bass guitar. and it became so clear to me that i was meant to go on this trip. i'm not sure where i'm going with this bass stuff after college, but i do know that i was meant to do that.
it all fits, and God knew back when i first picked up a bass my sophomore year of high school that years later the bass-major at a certain university would have to leave at semester leaving a gap in the rhythm section.
i knew that i wanted to go on this trip to help my jazz band...
but now i really see how much i was meant to go...at anyrate...
haha, in voice lessons my teacher told me that baritones are considered womanizers. and tenors are considered conceited and egotistical. (this doesn't apply to girls in the range)
and she said that she gave me that first page of Che Fiero Costume ('how void of compassion' it's the song about barbaric cupid) that tells the history and literal translation of it so i would know what i was singing, because she wanted me to know what i was singing. we said some other things i forgot, something about the womanizing baritones, and she gave me that look and she said 'i think we're on the same page here.'
we certainly were.
*random
"poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn"- thomas gray
i love burning words...
they don't even have to be dark to burn into your mind.,,
and i can't live without my thoughts breathing, too much pressure would build up otherwise.
random: yesterday a friend from camp, the nurse's son who i think is a junior now, asked if he could ask me a question.
'what's the best cure for a broken heart?'
my reply...
life.
starry skies and a rainy day.
but those are not cures, just ways to find solace.
the only cure is time.
i said that i was new to the whole heartbreak stuff, been broken but not that way before recently. but i think he really appreciated the advice nevertheless.
he put it nicely with 'heartbreak isn't new, it just came in a different way for you this time.'
i remember that when i started to play bass guitar, it wasn't just because i wanted to...
i felt that i needed to.
that God was telling me to pick it up and i hadn't the slightest notion as to why.
of course, when my mom mentioned that i should play bass so i could play with them at church, that just kicked me in the tail and affirmed what i already thought...
God was telling me that i would use it to serve Him. i knew that He didn't mean by playing in church on sunday, albeit that was nice but i really did it because mom wanted me to. but it helped me gain experience before playing in HS jazz band my junior and senior years... which helped me gain experience for college jazz...
and now i'm seeing how much God has been preparing me to serve my current jazz band and to serve Him in germany...
living with the people of germany for three weeks, we're not there to be tourists at all. and we'll live with host families, talk to the people, eat with them, etc.
my type of ministry: living. witnessing by living for Christ...
that's what i love about being a counselor, leading by example...
so odd, Lord you created me to be a good example and someone for those kids to look up to...
i've never really had anyone to look up to, but i try...
i digress...
the thought just kind of struck me, i had forgotten the real reason i started playing bass guitar. and it became so clear to me that i was meant to go on this trip. i'm not sure where i'm going with this bass stuff after college, but i do know that i was meant to do that.
it all fits, and God knew back when i first picked up a bass my sophomore year of high school that years later the bass-major at a certain university would have to leave at semester leaving a gap in the rhythm section.
i knew that i wanted to go on this trip to help my jazz band...
but now i really see how much i was meant to go...at anyrate...
haha, in voice lessons my teacher told me that baritones are considered womanizers. and tenors are considered conceited and egotistical. (this doesn't apply to girls in the range)
and she said that she gave me that first page of Che Fiero Costume ('how void of compassion' it's the song about barbaric cupid) that tells the history and literal translation of it so i would know what i was singing, because she wanted me to know what i was singing. we said some other things i forgot, something about the womanizing baritones, and she gave me that look and she said 'i think we're on the same page here.'
we certainly were.
*random
"poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn"- thomas gray
i love burning words...
they don't even have to be dark to burn into your mind.,,
and i can't live without my thoughts breathing, too much pressure would build up otherwise.
random: yesterday a friend from camp, the nurse's son who i think is a junior now, asked if he could ask me a question.
'what's the best cure for a broken heart?'
my reply...
life.
starry skies and a rainy day.
but those are not cures, just ways to find solace.
the only cure is time.
i said that i was new to the whole heartbreak stuff, been broken but not that way before recently. but i think he really appreciated the advice nevertheless.
he put it nicely with 'heartbreak isn't new, it just came in a different way for you this time.'
Sunday, April 17, 2011
"what is truth?"
i desperatly wish that i could get into pilate's head...
observe...
understand the meaning behind one of the most haunting questions that ever has been.
or if not the meaning, then the background.
context.
so fascinating, the avenues your thought can go down when reading pilate's questions, his reactions, the differences from gospel to gospel...
it's intoxicating really.
i wonder what alternative translations there are for that line... if any...
time to rest...
observe...
understand the meaning behind one of the most haunting questions that ever has been.
or if not the meaning, then the background.
context.
so fascinating, the avenues your thought can go down when reading pilate's questions, his reactions, the differences from gospel to gospel...
it's intoxicating really.
i wonder what alternative translations there are for that line... if any...
time to rest...
i found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn... and that wave is... me.
*looks intently into the mirror*
so that's what a stormy sea looks like...
so that's what a stormy sea looks like...
tomorrow morning i will actually have bloodshot eyes if i don't collapse and sleep right now.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” -Marcus Aurelius
i wish to dispute this quote.
perhaps by my own estimate indeed.
but still.
"Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself." - havelock ellis
you can't revoke the pain unless you're pure strength and no weakness.
...this is dangerous unless you are John Galt.
i wish to dispute this quote.
perhaps by my own estimate indeed.
but still.
"Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself." - havelock ellis
you can't revoke the pain unless you're pure strength and no weakness.
...this is dangerous unless you are John Galt.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
starry-eyed
hahaha!
umm...
anyhow...
i'm okay with never talking again.
had a lovely talk with God while coming back from the fine arts hall this evening.
i did kind of feel outside...
looked at the blossoms on the trees from all different angles...
breathed the air in...
yesterday had a chat with orion.
he's not happy that God isn't letting him rain down in all his fury on the guy.
i smiled, it's not in his nature amyway.
haha, i'm ridiculous...
having conversations with masses of shining light far off...
feeling so alive whhen out in Your creation, Lord...
i love how i was made...
in all truth i do...
i...
really can be like nature.
but not evereyone can take the harsh, jagged terrain.
they deem it as dillusional.
in all reality it's just a hard rockey landscape with wind beating down, crumbling the rocks...
i think once the guy i dated likened me to the fresh feel of a rainy day.
and jack johnson music.
i thought he understood me when he said that.
i was wrong.
my room mate chose to stay room mates with me as opposed to her other options, made me happy...
'i don't know if it means anything to you, but i honestly thought it was the best option...'
it does, it does indeed mean a lot...
it truely does...
must rest now.
Scar
[skar]
noun, verb, scarred, scar·ring
1. a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.
2. a lasting aftereffect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma.
3. any blemish remaining as a trace of or resulting from injury or use.
4. Botany . a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where a leaf has fallen from a stem.
4. Botany . a mark indicating a former point of attachment, as where
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
well, i was wrong about one thing.
just realized part of all of my 'i should be stronger than this.'
not really 'realized' but put into words rather, it had already been realized...
well, this was 19 years in one condensed explosion.
sure i've never experienced a relationship with another person ending, but still.
i've been through worse.
suppose it was just spread out over time and i was used to it.
i've become unaccustomed to it, thankfully.
well, it's a bad thing and a good thing.
but the deeper you hurt the more you have proof that you're alive.
kind of odd when you find yourself a much harder person when you were younger...
still aspects of weakness, but never showing.
i remember in second grade my old pastor's wife babysat me. their daughter apparently started crying at some comment someone made at school, she was quite upset about crying in front of everyone and still upset about the comment. me being, what, 7/8 at the time couldn't for the life of me understand showing emotion like that in front of people, crying in front of people, being hurt where the person hurting you could see. i just didn't think that it happened, if i did that... yeah, it wasn't pleasant.
something that adds to it is how i feel terrible for not really liking the guy much.
suppose my brain and feelings didn't know what to do with the first guy that told me he liked me. so i just went along with it. not very nice, but understandable.
at anyrate...
not really 'realized' but put into words rather, it had already been realized...
well, this was 19 years in one condensed explosion.
sure i've never experienced a relationship with another person ending, but still.
i've been through worse.
suppose it was just spread out over time and i was used to it.
i've become unaccustomed to it, thankfully.
well, it's a bad thing and a good thing.
but the deeper you hurt the more you have proof that you're alive.
kind of odd when you find yourself a much harder person when you were younger...
still aspects of weakness, but never showing.
i remember in second grade my old pastor's wife babysat me. their daughter apparently started crying at some comment someone made at school, she was quite upset about crying in front of everyone and still upset about the comment. me being, what, 7/8 at the time couldn't for the life of me understand showing emotion like that in front of people, crying in front of people, being hurt where the person hurting you could see. i just didn't think that it happened, if i did that... yeah, it wasn't pleasant.
something that adds to it is how i feel terrible for not really liking the guy much.
suppose my brain and feelings didn't know what to do with the first guy that told me he liked me. so i just went along with it. not very nice, but understandable.
at anyrate...
and i feel stuck watching history repeating...
had a good voice lesson today...
"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clear view again." – Alex Tan
indeed.
today at lunch i snuck up behind my band director and tapped him on one shoulder then went to the other side so he'd look at the shoulder i tapped and then see that i'm not there. i do that a lot, and he laughs. we bantered a bit and i said jokingly 'you know you love me sir!' haha, he said 'maybe. we'll see about that.' or something like that. but the way he said it you know he does, he loves all of the band members... and especially the jazz band members.
just being cared about means a lot...
the ther day i got the urge to hug him (me hug someone?! on purpose?! hey, i can do it (: ) and say 'we appreciate you sir' he hugged me back and said he appreciated me aswell.
i'll miss him when he's retired.
and as a friend in jazz said, he probably cried after i said that, haha, he can get quite emotional.
...and then tonight driving back from the basketball dinner i realized how much it means to me when someone actually cares like that. to say they'll try and see my music events, to appreciate me also really respect my want of learning like sir does... just makes you feel good all over.
like when my high school theatre teacher was there for me when i kinda explained my confidence issues...
acting in that big of a part my junior year was huge for me...
like one of my other friends my junior year somehow knowing about my confidence issues and encouraging me quite a bit for that musical... i suspect him overhearing me talking to my teacher...
suppose some people are just sincere enough that you feel warm all over when they appreciate, acknowledge, or encourage you.
...both bradford pear sprigs are now wilted and dead...
and...
the twig with the other blossoms on it never bloomed...
the buds were bursting at the seams wanting out, but they just died that way.
the leaves are still there...
but the flower died before it opened.
"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clear view again." – Alex Tan
indeed.
today at lunch i snuck up behind my band director and tapped him on one shoulder then went to the other side so he'd look at the shoulder i tapped and then see that i'm not there. i do that a lot, and he laughs. we bantered a bit and i said jokingly 'you know you love me sir!' haha, he said 'maybe. we'll see about that.' or something like that. but the way he said it you know he does, he loves all of the band members... and especially the jazz band members.
just being cared about means a lot...
the ther day i got the urge to hug him (me hug someone?! on purpose?! hey, i can do it (: ) and say 'we appreciate you sir' he hugged me back and said he appreciated me aswell.
i'll miss him when he's retired.
and as a friend in jazz said, he probably cried after i said that, haha, he can get quite emotional.
...and then tonight driving back from the basketball dinner i realized how much it means to me when someone actually cares like that. to say they'll try and see my music events, to appreciate me also really respect my want of learning like sir does... just makes you feel good all over.
like when my high school theatre teacher was there for me when i kinda explained my confidence issues...
acting in that big of a part my junior year was huge for me...
like one of my other friends my junior year somehow knowing about my confidence issues and encouraging me quite a bit for that musical... i suspect him overhearing me talking to my teacher...
suppose some people are just sincere enough that you feel warm all over when they appreciate, acknowledge, or encourage you.
...both bradford pear sprigs are now wilted and dead...
and...
the twig with the other blossoms on it never bloomed...
the buds were bursting at the seams wanting out, but they just died that way.
the leaves are still there...
but the flower died before it opened.
Monday, April 11, 2011
well it makes sense to me.
dearest common sense,
i would like to point to the fact that according to BMI charts i am right at the line between 'underweight' and 'healthy weight'
as long as i'm here could you reduce the volume of my upper leg area?
because the athletic build thighs are the sole reason i can't fit into my size 5 jeans anylonger, you see size 5 is still too big around the waist but i have to wear 7s because of the muscle that's normally there because of track and cross country.
and now my size 7 jeans are kinda baggy and my size 5 jeans still don't fit.
suppose they're too short anyhow.
and not seeing solid calf muscles on my legs is quite frightening after being a runner for so long.
at anyrate, having the same volume and no muscle is quite lame.
especially in the legs.
and arms.
lame i say!
even if i do have an 'athletic' build.
please do something about this as it only makes sense.
thank you.
-lindsay
p.s.
and take acne with you, i think our relationship needs to be over.
i would like to point to the fact that according to BMI charts i am right at the line between 'underweight' and 'healthy weight'
as long as i'm here could you reduce the volume of my upper leg area?
because the athletic build thighs are the sole reason i can't fit into my size 5 jeans anylonger, you see size 5 is still too big around the waist but i have to wear 7s because of the muscle that's normally there because of track and cross country.
and now my size 7 jeans are kinda baggy and my size 5 jeans still don't fit.
suppose they're too short anyhow.
and not seeing solid calf muscles on my legs is quite frightening after being a runner for so long.
at anyrate, having the same volume and no muscle is quite lame.
especially in the legs.
and arms.
lame i say!
even if i do have an 'athletic' build.
please do something about this as it only makes sense.
thank you.
-lindsay
p.s.
and take acne with you, i think our relationship needs to be over.
'i'm finally numb so please don't get me rescued...'
listening to 'constellations' in a completely quiet dorm with in-ear headphones is...
relaxing.
long two days...
driving to poplar bluff yesterday was wonderful... loved the hills, trees, all the random green fields in small valleys... and in the afternoon the tall trees casting such shadows on the ground it was easy to get lost in the landscape... what wasn't easy was staying awake to watch the hills go by when my daydreams carried my tired mind away with the spring breeze.
a line from a song i was listening to said 'You fill my soul with the light of each new day...'
so true...
i just can't feel quite yet...
i did stay awake as we watched hte movie 'tangled' on the bus... love that movie, very well put together indeed.
random thought yesterday:
i've mentioned that going out with that guy was the first time i had really trusted people...
but then i thought of the scope of that...
it was the first time i had really trusted humanity with myself...
as a whole...
human nature and everything...
and...
i was just proven right.
but there's this thing about humanity i need to remember.
it's not perfect.
random:
with all of the pain he caused it seems like my brain is blocking out really realizing that i was ever even in a relationship.
kind of weird...
i like it.
at anyrate, jazz was good for me...
i kind went off to the races yesterday with tempo however, i haven't really ever had much issue keeping a solid tempo... that was one of the qualities sir really liked about me when i auditioned last spring...
random:
yesterday i weighed myself, 120lbs.
...
i haven't weighed that much since 7th grade.
and that's with extra 'water' weight since it's that time of the month (again! so soon? bah.)
sure whoever you are reading this needed to know that :-D
but really... losing 20lbs since coming to college...
it's all muscle i think...
i miss running, working out in a weight room...
i don't really care what size i am, i still haven't lost volume, really i'd at least like to be able to fit into my favorite pair of board shorts...
random:
"Oh, i'm a wandering soul, i'm still walking the line that leads me home... alone. all i know, i still got mountains to climb on my own, on my own..."
the redbuds in bloom amidst the greening trees was wonderful today...
walking back from the fine arts hall i had to stop and smell the trees...
i did throw that bradford pear twig out...
but i picked some wonderful smelling flowers to put in the vase in its' stead...
would have picked a tulip...
but i feel bad taking the bulb's only flower...
"life is so much better when you're floating in the air..."
and then of course more jack's mannequin...
"I feel alright, so please don't get me rescued... "
so tired...
'the hill's still left to climb it's just so high and i'm so tired... come on look me in my bloodshot eyes...'
relaxing.
long two days...
driving to poplar bluff yesterday was wonderful... loved the hills, trees, all the random green fields in small valleys... and in the afternoon the tall trees casting such shadows on the ground it was easy to get lost in the landscape... what wasn't easy was staying awake to watch the hills go by when my daydreams carried my tired mind away with the spring breeze.
a line from a song i was listening to said 'You fill my soul with the light of each new day...'
so true...
i just can't feel quite yet...
i did stay awake as we watched hte movie 'tangled' on the bus... love that movie, very well put together indeed.
random thought yesterday:
i've mentioned that going out with that guy was the first time i had really trusted people...
but then i thought of the scope of that...
it was the first time i had really trusted humanity with myself...
as a whole...
human nature and everything...
and...
i was just proven right.
but there's this thing about humanity i need to remember.
it's not perfect.
random:
with all of the pain he caused it seems like my brain is blocking out really realizing that i was ever even in a relationship.
kind of weird...
i like it.
at anyrate, jazz was good for me...
i kind went off to the races yesterday with tempo however, i haven't really ever had much issue keeping a solid tempo... that was one of the qualities sir really liked about me when i auditioned last spring...
random:
yesterday i weighed myself, 120lbs.
...
i haven't weighed that much since 7th grade.
and that's with extra 'water' weight since it's that time of the month (again! so soon? bah.)
sure whoever you are reading this needed to know that :-D
but really... losing 20lbs since coming to college...
it's all muscle i think...
i miss running, working out in a weight room...
i don't really care what size i am, i still haven't lost volume, really i'd at least like to be able to fit into my favorite pair of board shorts...
random:
"Oh, i'm a wandering soul, i'm still walking the line that leads me home... alone. all i know, i still got mountains to climb on my own, on my own..."
the redbuds in bloom amidst the greening trees was wonderful today...
walking back from the fine arts hall i had to stop and smell the trees...
i did throw that bradford pear twig out...
but i picked some wonderful smelling flowers to put in the vase in its' stead...
would have picked a tulip...
but i feel bad taking the bulb's only flower...
"life is so much better when you're floating in the air..."
and then of course more jack's mannequin...
"I feel alright, so please don't get me rescued... "
so tired...
'the hill's still left to climb it's just so high and i'm so tired... come on look me in my bloodshot eyes...'
Friday, April 8, 2011
the storm inside looks calm from afar...
quiet evening listening to the rolling thunder...
the soft rain...
curled up on the futon, tugging my sleeves over my wrists...
would that i were outside, but i can't really do stuff like that on my own...
well, when there are people around...
wish i had a friend that i could beg to go run around in the rain with me...
but i don't.
so i'll just sit here and listen...
feel the air come in through my window...
while my heart yearns to be outside...
or what there is of it.
its ashes still populate the snowglobe.
just calm...
be calm...
the blossoms on the twig in my green vase are almost open now...
the bradford pear sprig isn't reviving...
the soft rain...
curled up on the futon, tugging my sleeves over my wrists...
would that i were outside, but i can't really do stuff like that on my own...
well, when there are people around...
wish i had a friend that i could beg to go run around in the rain with me...
but i don't.
so i'll just sit here and listen...
feel the air come in through my window...
while my heart yearns to be outside...
or what there is of it.
its ashes still populate the snowglobe.
just calm...
be calm...
the blossoms on the twig in my green vase are almost open now...
the bradford pear sprig isn't reviving...
a song indeed...
a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer,
it sings because it has a song.
-Maya Angelou
i had wanted to simply post that quote, but then i found a few others in my quote book that stuck in my mind...
our greatest glory is never falling,
but in rising everytime we fall.
-Oliver Goldsmith
Infatuation is blind, not love.
-Stephen Christian...?
it sings because it has a song.
-Maya Angelou
i had wanted to simply post that quote, but then i found a few others in my quote book that stuck in my mind...
our greatest glory is never falling,
but in rising everytime we fall.
-Oliver Goldsmith
Infatuation is blind, not love.
-Stephen Christian...?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
the world seems different when everything is clear and in focus...
in all reality, i haven't much to say or deconstruct today...
...but i really got into the blues game and it made me remember when i found out the town near where i live was getting a hockey team again...
i was watching the late night news and ran into my parents room jumping up and down and saying 'GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A HOCKEY TEAM AGAIN!' mom just kind of rolled her eyes and dad started thinking of buying big buckets so we could join the bucket brigade.
well...
dad got sick that year, several months of blindness, half a year of being bed-ridden, year and a half of no work, and several years of not driving at night...
which means no hockey games...
miss going to hockey games with dad.
heh.
first grade, going to every home game...
me in my baggy free-hockey jersey...
begging for permission to run up to the glass...
dad explaining the rules, the entire row of people being happy for me when i lost my tooth...
i tell you, if you're a little kid at a hockey game the people around your seat adore you.
good times ^_^
haha, lost my tooth when dad took me to see star wars aswell...
yeah. if i ever have kids, them wearing baggy hockey jerseys that cover their hands, losing their teeth in milk-duds, and going to as may hockey games as humanly possible would be necessary.
and you know, today,
everything seems so...
clear.
black and white still, but with contrast...
i always love to take pictures the way i see the world... and often that does involve a sharp contrast to black and white...
aaaahhhhh...
random side-note:
my room mate has discovered that i can't stand to have people's faces really close to my face... even half a foot is close... just can't look at people in the eyes that close...
...but i really got into the blues game and it made me remember when i found out the town near where i live was getting a hockey team again...
i was watching the late night news and ran into my parents room jumping up and down and saying 'GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A HOCKEY TEAM AGAIN!' mom just kind of rolled her eyes and dad started thinking of buying big buckets so we could join the bucket brigade.
well...
dad got sick that year, several months of blindness, half a year of being bed-ridden, year and a half of no work, and several years of not driving at night...
which means no hockey games...
miss going to hockey games with dad.
heh.
first grade, going to every home game...
me in my baggy free-hockey jersey...
begging for permission to run up to the glass...
dad explaining the rules, the entire row of people being happy for me when i lost my tooth...
i tell you, if you're a little kid at a hockey game the people around your seat adore you.
good times ^_^
haha, lost my tooth when dad took me to see star wars aswell...
yeah. if i ever have kids, them wearing baggy hockey jerseys that cover their hands, losing their teeth in milk-duds, and going to as may hockey games as humanly possible would be necessary.
and you know, today,
everything seems so...
clear.
black and white still, but with contrast...
aaaahhhhh...
random side-note:
my room mate has discovered that i can't stand to have people's faces really close to my face... even half a foot is close... just can't look at people in the eyes that close...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
and with a sweep of my arm i give color to the world...
"i refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey."
HAHA.
umm.
quote from the television show that i'm watching.
the jersey was a redwings jersey, that one guy's favorite team, HA!
of course it's not like it's applicable to anything, i mean, not like i know anyone that wears hockey jerseys... especially detroit jerseys...
umm...
you know, i never got that USA hockey jersey my mom and dad said i could have back when i was watching the torino olympics...
at anyrate...
sunset was beautiful this evening...
simply stunning...
i shan't try to describe it, my words would only fail to bring it justice...
the campus wide event that the class council i'm on was giving involved chalk...
drawing with chalk on the sidewalk was fun, i think i shall have to buy some chalk...
'twas amazing to spend an evening outside, two hours well spent indeed.
not fully in black and white...
it...
well...
more like my chalk drawings were in color, while the rest of the world was in grayscale.
drawing color into my life one picture at a time...
each curve from the chalk leaving a trail of vivid life in the gray pavement...
walking back to my dorm from the fine arts hall this evening was also nice... listening/singing along to jack's mannequin on my ipod... taking a couple of white-flowered twigs from the bradford pear trees, the look quite nice, one in each of my small vases... they look especially nice in the red one...
white flowers are always nice in red vases...
or that shade of blue like my other vase...
"i'll be there at six with some flowers on sticks that were clipped just to make the weak strong..."
...this world can be ugly but isn't it beautiful...
HAHA.
umm.
quote from the television show that i'm watching.
the jersey was a redwings jersey, that one guy's favorite team, HA!
of course it's not like it's applicable to anything, i mean, not like i know anyone that wears hockey jerseys... especially detroit jerseys...
umm...
you know, i never got that USA hockey jersey my mom and dad said i could have back when i was watching the torino olympics...
at anyrate...
sunset was beautiful this evening...
simply stunning...
i shan't try to describe it, my words would only fail to bring it justice...
the campus wide event that the class council i'm on was giving involved chalk...
drawing with chalk on the sidewalk was fun, i think i shall have to buy some chalk...
'twas amazing to spend an evening outside, two hours well spent indeed.
not fully in black and white...
it...
well...
more like my chalk drawings were in color, while the rest of the world was in grayscale.
drawing color into my life one picture at a time...
each curve from the chalk leaving a trail of vivid life in the gray pavement...
walking back to my dorm from the fine arts hall this evening was also nice... listening/singing along to jack's mannequin on my ipod... taking a couple of white-flowered twigs from the bradford pear trees, the look quite nice, one in each of my small vases... they look especially nice in the red one...
white flowers are always nice in red vases...
or that shade of blue like my other vase...
"i'll be there at six with some flowers on sticks that were clipped just to make the weak strong..."
...this world can be ugly but isn't it beautiful...
deconstructing about deconstructing.
you know, a lot of this blog just deconstructing what's going on...
or me struggling to feel anything at all.
"Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning." – Maya Angelou
i may blog up and down, but unless i talk to myself or to someone about what i'm feeling then they haven't near as much meaning...
that long, drawn out, hurt conversation when i was driving back to school the sunday after he told me he was going back out with his old girlfriend did a world of good...
solidifying how i felt...
and i highly doubt he could have heard any of that.
probably couldn't, or wouldn't want, to take it.
not that it was that negative towards him...
but to see how much you've hurt a person, i doubt he could have taken it.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." – Henry Ellis
indeed.
but you have to hold on until you can let it go properly.
yet i can't control if i hold on or not.
it takes time for me.
i know certain people that aren't as steep in thought and their own self that feelings and emotions come and go, thoughts change, paradigms shift...
but that doesn't happen easily for me.
yet that just means everything that i am has been earned and paid for dearly.
or me struggling to feel anything at all.
"Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning." – Maya Angelou
i may blog up and down, but unless i talk to myself or to someone about what i'm feeling then they haven't near as much meaning...
that long, drawn out, hurt conversation when i was driving back to school the sunday after he told me he was going back out with his old girlfriend did a world of good...
solidifying how i felt...
and i highly doubt he could have heard any of that.
probably couldn't, or wouldn't want, to take it.
not that it was that negative towards him...
but to see how much you've hurt a person, i doubt he could have taken it.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." – Henry Ellis
indeed.
but you have to hold on until you can let it go properly.
yet i can't control if i hold on or not.
it takes time for me.
i know certain people that aren't as steep in thought and their own self that feelings and emotions come and go, thoughts change, paradigms shift...
but that doesn't happen easily for me.
yet that just means everything that i am has been earned and paid for dearly.
'a million questions are on your mind don't mind them , you'll be just fine, if only you're quiet for a while...'
bradford pear trees in bloom with every petal illuminated by a street-light...
softly giving light...
contrasted on a deep, dark blue starry night with the faint diamonds shining in the distance...
and spring breezes...
feel of the air...
softly giving light...
contrasted on a deep, dark blue starry night with the faint diamonds shining in the distance...
and spring breezes...
feel of the air...
Monday, April 4, 2011
could you even look me in my bloodshot eyes...
"sometimes people can't look at the pain they've caused in the eyes, so they turn their back and walk away. sometimes this is the best option. sometimes this is saying you can't handle what you have created. sometimes this is letting go. sometimes this is saying the pain you caused means nothing, and shouldn't be acknowledged.
...but most of the time, this makes you less human."
yeah, shower-induced thought.
i quite like my made-up quote...
has a lot of thought behind those few words.
"It's something everybody wants–for someone to see the hurt done to them and set it down like it matters." – Sue Monk Kidd
...but most of the time, this makes you less human."
yeah, shower-induced thought.
i quite like my made-up quote...
has a lot of thought behind those few words.
"It's something everybody wants–for someone to see the hurt done to them and set it down like it matters." – Sue Monk Kidd
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