well, i was wrong about one thing.

just realized part of all of my 'i should be stronger than this.'
not really 'realized' but put into words rather, it had already been realized...
well, this was 19 years in one condensed explosion.
sure i've never experienced a relationship with another person ending, but still.
i've been through worse.
suppose it was just spread out over time and i was used to it.
i've become unaccustomed to it, thankfully.
well, it's a bad thing and a good thing.
but the deeper you hurt the more you have proof that you're alive.
kind of odd when you find yourself a much harder person when you were younger...
still aspects of weakness, but never showing.
i remember in second grade my old pastor's wife babysat me. their daughter apparently started crying at some comment someone made  at school, she was quite upset about crying in front of everyone and still upset about the comment. me being, what, 7/8 at the time couldn't for the life of me understand showing emotion like that in front of people, crying in front of people, being hurt where the person hurting you could see. i just didn't think that it happened, if i did that... yeah, it wasn't pleasant.
something that adds to it is how i feel terrible for not really liking the guy much.
suppose my brain and feelings didn't know what to do with the first guy that told me he liked me. so i just went along with it. not very nice, but understandable.
at anyrate...