believe it or not, i'm not here because i want to be.

i sat with my contralto friend for a couple of hours, found out she tested as an INFJ, but she used to be INTJ... i can see where her feeling side has developed to such that it's now an F. and is very strong in judging, very strong indeed.
as for me...
i have thought that maybe i was an INFP and the INTJ grew out of necessity, then again, who knows what i really am, that's just based on a couple of tests.
at anyrate, it was fun to hangout with her.
when she sad i should be over it by now, that i'm dwelling and could pull myself away if i wanted to...
i just can't.
she said it's unhealthy for it to still bother me that much.
i recognize that.
but what can i do?
i didn't choose this.
i don't want this.
it still hurts, i can't help that.
then again, the one-two punch with him going back out with the girl he had feelings for while we dated didn't help.
but she said that it's a sign of deeper issues that haven't been solved.
she doesn't really know my history too much, enough i suppose.
'solving' them is a long process, and the scars have been opened up to experience once again.
it's really not just him, it's all those scars that managed to open and deepen.
everyone has unresolved issues...
i'm not that different am i...?


"but we all fade sometimes i believe..."


everyone works through things differently, and for me what needs to be changed is so deep seated that it just takes work... and a lot of time... trying to grow what i believe about myself into what i know, what is true...
perspectives take a lot of work to change, how you view yourself is a difficult subject. it takes years to form, let alone rebuild.


...especially when one person seems to believe in you, you trust them, and then they just go and unknowingly affirm all of the negative voices in your head.
when you've been trying to quiet them down and live without believing them for so long, that sudden surge tears you apart.

hit me in just the right spot i suppose.

hmm...
you know, i don't think she knows how alive i can be, and how dead i am now...
that alone just...
just...
i am getting better.
but still...

so tired...

random: i hate acne.