hey Orion, where are you?
i need to talk to you, it's been a while.

You can't form the answer to a question that's never asked.

...?
what's his face messaged me on facebook.

one line was:
"how have you personally been..."

...

I haven't a clue, people never really ask me that so taking inventory of what's going on is never really needed.

what do you say to that?

in all reality, I'm just here.

i live life as it comes and i suppose i never give a thought to 'i've been very happy lately' or 'i've been really depressed lately' or 'i'm...'
suppose i have a short memory, or quick healing process.

ish.

just here.

existing, thinking, feeling, and the mellowness washes it all warmly no matter what chill the air may bring.

beautiful weather this morning...

drizzly, the colorful leaves popping against the gray sky...

*random tangent back to first point

i suppose i can't grab feelings when asked for them. they're there or not and if i'm asked for them when i'm not  at that moment whatever the feeling is then i haven't a clue.

that being said, still don't know.

...i'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone save me...

bah, sense is overrated.

...

...not really.

i like sense.

i like making 'the sense' as my theory teacher calls it.

i suppose i enjoy logic and finding the sense in various things.

...understanding a different perspective could be included in that.

see what someone thinks, and see how it makes sense to them even if you don't believe as they do.

you have a congenital chest wall deformity, SURPRISE!

well, pectus excavatum explains a lot.
apparently parents with kids born with it are not told much,
however as you grow older things really start getting compressed...

but the cavity in my chest isn't that deep...
suppose i should have known my rib cage wasn't like others.
...i did, but when it's all you know...
you know?

hey, i do this!
"Normally, the chest wall expands when a child inhales, allowing more air to move in to the lungs. In some patients with pectus excavatum, however, the middle of the chest seems to deepen rather than expand during inhalation. Doctors call this paradoxical chest wall motion."


this explains so freakin' much it blows my mind.

truth be told...

today my voice teacher smiled in a certain way and said "you know, whenever -head of fine arts- and i talk about you, like when you popped your head in the window while we were talking last week, she says 'that girl has no idea how beautiful she is'"


... i really don't, but i suppose i'm beginning to see it.


i enjoy being oblivious really, as long as that doesn't include dissing myself...
that's never fun.


and in all honesty, i'd rather be oblivious than too knowing... 
it's at least better than flaunting.

*dies laughing*

what... the.. heck...

everywhere and in between

mentioning how my mind tends to go everywhere and can't help stumbling over things that pain me caused me to think of how many things i really think about in a day...

i'm not sure how other brains work, but i bounce around quite a few memories, views, ideals, perspectives, etc...

for example, walking across campus and seeing a trashcan, the pebbles on the side of it put me in mind of back in grade school when i would swing and daydream about a playhouse around the shady tree i was under that was built of those rocks. it had a kitchen sink with a bright, sunlit window and the inside looked a bit like a hobbit hole now that i'm thinking of it. and of course, while thinking of all those things i'm reminded of how i didn't have many friends, think of the one friend i had in sixth grade that said people were just jealous of me and that put me in mind of reading her facebook status this morning about how her one year-old son was sick and how i kind of liked she called him her 'lil bear.'

of course, those were lesser thoughts behind the main stream. 

my main thought went to that big black horse and the barn i would imagine was in the back practice field, my k-8 school was a high school and we kept the big piece of land that was the football/baseball/track field. the old barn with the worn red coat of paint and that i could picture with the doors wide open and me riding that horse out for a run around the field.

lesser thoughts while this main image was being considered were about the dirt-bike track i also imagined, the hockey-playing older brother i imagined, how much i miss riding and what camp will be like this coming summer with new management.

...and the list goes on.

i think i enjoy clarity of still night air because it pulls everything together...

calm...

complete mellow quietness...

i'll have thoughts bouncing about in other directions, but not as...

apparent, i suppose.

it's easy to see how i may stumble over unpleasant thoughts.

*random
i was thinking of the Beast from X-men...
he wishes he was not the big 'ape' of a mutant he was born to be.
he's 'just an honor student' and wishes he could just be that.
put me in mind of how last year i was a bit ticked that there was an honors program and i wasn't quick enough, smart enough, thought too much, whatever to receive a high enough ACT score to be admitted. off by a point i think.
thought of this a bit as i chatted with a friend that's in the honors program.
but then it occurred to me...
honors programs, scholars bowl, top ten...

had that become a part of me that suddenly isn't there anymore?

i'm just in classes, i'm not in advanced courses, i'm not on the 'top ten' list, i'm not being chal...
well, i wasn't challenged in any of the advanced courses i took in high school.
well, i was in physics and chemistry...
i enjoyed it, but i had to work.
science, math, and spanish were the only things i had to work on.

but really, should that be a solid part of who i am?
just because i'm not a part of any scholarly grou

-twenty minutes later-

somehow that reminded me of some random 'who's who' nomination i received.
i had the application filled out but had forgotten it was due today...
so i had a merry little trip about campus mid-blog.

'twas quite nice, actually...
especially coming out of the humanities building and kicking the leaves along the flowerbed...
it's quite wonderful when the sidewalk is wet and the sun breaks through the clouds just as you walk out...

i then decided to trek over to the library to get a coffee or juice...
visited with a few people, made a few people laugh, and the on my way back kicked about leaves and picked up a scarlet leaf that i admired...
the first leaf i've picked up of this autumn.

i wish i could be the one that paints the leaves...

i would spend my days painting tones that warm the soul on each leaf while breathing in the crisp air...
dancing about from tree to tree all by myself with no spectators...


anyhow, i digress.

i suppose that being in an honors program, considered smart, whatever, became a part of me.
but that wasn't, isn't who i am.
still, when that's gone i suppose the two categories can be confused...
brain muddles the lines...
but i don't need a program to say who i am...
would it be nice?
yes, would be wonderful.
but i am other things.
and i suppose i need to not feel i should be where i am not...
or at least remember what is important and put aside what isn't.

one foot in CMYK panels, the other in reality.

today someone at church asked if they could ask me a personal question.


'are you adopted? we were just wondering, because i mean, if not then where do you get your figure?'
of course, two weeks ago this person asked where my boyfriend was (this was met with crickets from my church family... how long ago was that? he visited in january? it ended a month later?) she had thought i brought him more recently than that.


she went on to just wonder at how i was so thin but she did mention that my mom 'isn't any fatter' than she was.
i suppose that's just something i've never addressed in my life other than not wanting to end up that way.
i believe 'what, didn't they feed you when you were younger?' was also brought up...
of course, this person also said to my mom 'doesn't she eat anything? do you keep it all for yourself?'
some people are oblivious i suppose...


i do find the adoption question ironic in lieu of the crazy dreams i had about me suddenly discovering that i was Sabretooth's, or Creed's, daughter and my own parents somehow unknowingly adopted me.
all of that sprung from me noting my hair was similar to his, or so i'm assuming.
crazy dreams, needless to say.
there was a lot of speculation about why i wasn't like he was.
'well, Creed has a mind of his own. so does she.'


it was nice to talk to nightcrawler however... i should read more of his comics. or any.


*in other news, i got to hear about sightings of how the guy i dated seems pushy, selfish, whiny, or commanding and his girlfriend seems helpless... or at least doesn't have a will of her own.
and i'm wondering how i hear whisperings of their make-out sessions in the most random places.
i should work harder on turning my ears off when i hear people whispering.


*sigh*
fun things to hear. yeah.
i am rejoicing in their faults.
no.


then how is it that i feel they rejoice in my faults?


my mom has been hinting that i need to go the 'i kissed dating goodbye' route.
meh.
how about i just listen to the voice in my head that says 'i don't want him to be the one' if it's there?
not like i date a lot anyway, once in the past twenty years and even then it was only a couple of months.
she also would say weird things to me like 'you know, mature people know that you fall in and out of love with people in marriage.'
okay mom... 
what are you telling me here...?
i realize you had more dates and guy friends and crushes than i, i know that you were married before and you left that guy because he had a drinking problem and other issues that i won't ask you about, but don't expect me to find a guy anytime soon.
or a guy to find me, rather.


*random
i suppose i was too much of a brick wall for him.
i had a will of my own and believe in compromise but not giving in.
...and don't assume i'm saying 'yeah, this is 100% what i believe and i'm pinpointing this as my exact point of view.'

i can speculate and explore a perspective with sarcasm and not hold what i'm saying as true, thank you very much.
/end few sentences of girl that is now paranoid about saying things because they'll be set in stone and assumed about.


other random:
all throughout my 'daughter of creed' escapades, no matter how strong i was or how good the cause, it was always, always difficult for me to hurt someone.
i could understand the need to kill certain people but i couldn't do it, leave that to wolverine or someone else.
but not me.
perhaps not couldn't, but wouldn't... definitely.


ha.


leave it to me to have a dream where i end up supported and raised by a lot of mentors...
people to look up to.
learn from.
older siblings, persay.


well, one can dream.

stuck in a comic-book

daydreams may not take you as far as dreams do into your subconscious, but they sure as heck take you close...

an odd mix...

ha.


i'm twenty years old.


i like spider-man, wolverine, and argyle socks.


jazz music on my record player makes me happy.


and climbing up the door-jams and hallways of my house is a fun exercise.


i'm covered in scars no one can see,


and i find more resonance in the falling leaves than in church.


i talk to Orion like he's my big brother,


and smile when i feel God laughing at me.


crazy?


maybe.


but i like it just fine.

typical.

so my contralto friend asks to have coffee this morning at 10, right?
immediately i think 'what's wrong, somthing is up, what did I do...?!?!'
dozens of scenarios run through my head, mainly involving choir, before finally scolding myself at trying to guess why. friends often have coffee together just to talk...
shouldn't be any different for me, right?
wrong.


because the only time people ask to hang out with me is when i have done something wrong.


damn it.


DAMN IT!


every time i think i'm doing okay, that i'm growing in the right direction, i learn that i've been messing up royally.


so I was right, and my Contralto friend was sent on a mission from my choir director.
apparently i'm undisciplined and disruptive.
and am 'infatuated with singing tenor'


...


and if it keeps going unchecked i may not be in choir next semester.


...wait what?
the perfect student that always did what was asked, was the model of discipline not because she needed to be and not because she was told to be but because she just was, the insecure hurt girl huddled inside an INTJ shell that beat herself up over EVER SINGLE FREAKIN' MISTAKE SHE HAS HAD IN HER LIFE.


that girl.


...that one.


apparently all of the quiet side-remarks i make to myself about me being frustrated with how i'm doing are disruptive.
I don't talk more that the other girls in class either...


I suppose i need to get used to not being invisible so i can consciously make myself invisible...?


AHHHHHH.


and as for being infatuated with singing tenor, where the hell did that come from...
yes, i love tenor.
it served to get me on my feet with choir.
then I began to pick up head voice.
now tenor is a fun thing every now and then but it will never be used. never.
i understand that the director says i 'will NEVER sing tenor in my choirs'
i don't need to.
if i was asked to i would.
but that's not where i need to be.
i'm excited to work on alto, and i love soprano.
sure i'm frustrated with myself, uncomfortable, and am afraid of people thinking i think i'm better than they are when i'm not, i have so much to learn...
if i ever start singing it in choir now i don't realize it...


i'm not infatuated with singing tenor!


and i don't know why or how i seem so immature!


*sigh*


all my life i was too mature.
too disciplined.
too reserved.


'maturity' for me is learning to live out more, to be exuberant, silly, flighty...
i suppose now that i found that i am able to attain those things that i need to now keep them in check.


what, do i need to tear out a few stitches and bleed all over in choir so i will keep a rein on myself?


do i need to put on a blindfold or give the jerk's girlfriend an invisibility cloak so i won't think about it?


what the hell can i do?!?!?!


*sigh*


what indeed.



why do i even bother, you know?


*sigh*


my friends do love me.
my contralto friend does understand a lot even though she thinks we're much more similar than we really are.
she however didn't understand any of the perceptions the director had of me, other than discipline as i can be flighty at times.
this i can see would translate as me not being serious about it, not caring, not wanting to be there and just buying time until i'm allowed to sing tenor.


...that's not what i want.


mentioned this to a couple of other people, they looked baffled and said i never talked in choir at all, what's he talking about?


so i guess i'm never getting in to the upper-tier choir.
just as well, not sure my voice could ever attain that quality consistently...


being me is silly.


i don't advise anyone else to try it.

last stop before boarding the paper-writing express...

one of my classes requires me to make a collage of my own self perception...
suppose i wasn't sure what to put.
but i think i got the point across.

things that make me smile:

placing a single daisy in a blue glass bottle and setting it in the window sill.



...even if the daisy isn't real.

...you know, i may not like sparkling water but in germany they come in pretty bottles that make splendid vases.

never a memory.

i'm going to miss this play, the people and characters in it.
it is kind of like having another family...


oh.
and someone said they were ridiculously surprised i went out with that one guy so long ago.
...because i'm way better than that and am much too good for him.
and then another just said 'i'm so glad you're not dating that guy. '


...you know the kind of person i want left behind in his mind?





...cruel to wish to be a restless dream?
perhaps.
...but i think it fits.


in the meantime, i will be dancing around to this:

further digression... i miss real thought. whatever that may be.

one of the guys i rode back to campus with this evening always says random 'philosphical' things and then i want to go off on random tangents about said subject but 
A) probably wouldn't word it right anyway and 
B) what i do say isn't really listened to by anyone anyhow so...


ha, except my (fake) twin.
he's on the sidelines as well so he notices.
i found it funny how we were sitting across from each other, girls on one side guys on another.
and both of us on the sidelines.
hmm.
wonder how he feels about being on the edge.
but he's a good kid and a lot of people appreciate him.


another great night of the play.
this crowd loved my acting, or so they told me afterwards, haha, one couple "she was great! i told my wife 'now that girl, she's good, that one stands out!' and other such things.
later a lady came up 'me and my husband were talking about how great you were! he just loved your acting and i thought it was great and...'
then her husbnad, the 'now that girl' guy came up and apparently they were together.
kind of funny.


what isn't funny:
'yeah, when such and such first told me you were dating i thought 'that's awkward...''

yes, yes it is, was, why did i...


or how a girl that found out we had dated today just thought 'whoah, that's... awkward...' and talked about how gross they were and she didn't like walking by his girlfriends room...


Lord, have i thanked you enough for it being over?


and i'm not sure i like people telling me 'if he says one more word to me i'm going to...'
i mean really dude...
well, then again i suppose that's in this guy's personality...


...kind of makes you self-conscious about yourself, who likes and doesn't like you...


not sure i like hearing people he thinks are his 'friends' complain about him all the time.

said the person i work for in theater the other day:
'you can really feel the tension between your character and the defense attorney, it's almost like there's something personal there...'
she knew what she was talking about.
kinda made me laugh.
a lot.

scale degree 7, the leading tone

*curls up*


life is a process...
as are days.


it's hard to fathom that as i drift away to the tunes of matt costa and jack johnson that tomorrow will be long, tiring, frustrating.
because all i know right now is my 'introvert corner' theme of sorts, the sound and feel of the air coming through the window, and my bright green jersey knit sheets.


each day is a process of starting optimistic, finding something, that something being torn apart, living with downcast eyes, trying to not let that downcast heart be noticed, building yourself up... finally finishing.


perhaps not every day goes by this process, yet there is a process.


...and it will always be hard to fathom that tomorrow will be dark when tonight i have melodies to float away to...
perhaps that's why i enjoy it so.
it's not that i'm expecting the next day to be bad; but it's hard to imagine it ever progressing towards despair when you being floating on the breeze...
it sets the tone for the following day...


and with that, i bid thee good night.


wait...
this song sings about being lonely.
i do not feel lonely when i listen to this song...
far from it.

*random
the more i think about it, the more fall is like the world sinking into introvert corner.


warm.
inviting.
settling.


clarity beginning to take hold...


then again spring can feel that way aswell...


and winter...


and even summer in its turn...


but perhaps fall just fits the description better.

Ta-daa!

i am wearing my favorite purple underwear today therefore i am infallible!
today WILL be a good day!

...okay, so i lied.

i couldn't find my purple pair of underwear.

but if i had, i would have been infallible.

the work process of a tired design student.

stages of frustration:

all i really want to do is relax and take a nap...
but i have to do my homework.

wait, what the heck is this...
i have to find a picture for this?!
fine.
this picture i took of a rubber duck will do.
okay, let's make a layer mask here...

...i said make a layer mask here....

what the heck, what's up with this?

*excalating frustration at self*

*wonders why she is a design major*

*frustration*

...

*layer mask magically works*

and then i'm done in .02 seconds.

move on to next project.

what, i have to find another photo now?!?!

*time passes*

i have to go to work in an hour and a half, i have to mount all of these on backing board, i have to work on the program for theater AHHHH.

i know when i need a nap.

i need one.

*find next photo*

*easily fixes photo*

*come to limiting brightness ranges*

*freak out again because i can't find a photo that will fit this*
*thirty minutes pass*
*gets agitated*

AAAAAGGGGGHHHH.

*give up and do the best i can with the first photo i chose*

*stand up to get flash drive and almost black out*

*fall onto futon*

so to sum up this fairly worthless ramble...

tired.
optimistic.
one bump in the road.
road rage.
realization that it was easy.
next project easy.
optimism.
bump in the road.
road rage.
frustration.
giving up of high standards.
done.

learning graphic design is 80% 'WTH?! THIS WORKED TWO SECONDS AGO!' and 20% 'Whoah, that was easy.'

i miss Ingrid.

*random
a friend i would act in community plays with is somewhat of a survival expert,
he was on this show on discovery channel where a group of people live like cavemen for ten days.
very interesting and fun to see someone i know on tv...


18,000 minutes shot and put down to 90.
crazy...
knowing what a level-headed and good man he is i wish i could have seen more of his perspective; he was probably a wonderful witness to them all.


as i watched them attack and kill an elk, i found it interesting how they took it.
one person was a hunter; he hunts all the time.
but they were with the animal for some time before it died.
look it in the eye while throwing the last blow while it was on the ground.
heard the gases rushing from the lungs.
saw what they had done and stroked it as it lay there taking its last breaths.
the guy said it was one of the definitive experiences of his life.


i'm not certain i would ever find it in myself to kill something.
if i were a real caveman then it would be a matter of survival...
but i feel a pang of melancholy when i pick a flower.
i mourn for birds that have fallen out of their nests and move them away from the ants that are eating them alive, feeling sorry that i cannot do anything.


i have another friend that enjoys to hunt, but not necessarily the killing.
he is a skilled bow-hunter  and thinks it's more sporting to use a bow.
i can agree with that, then again i haven't gone hunting.
the extent of me killing things are bugs and running over a mouse once.
poor mouse.
then again, there was that one night when my cat snowball...
well, she weighed less than four pounds when she showed up at our door.
a few weeks later she was playing with something in the middle of my room.
getting annoyed with her, i went over in the dark to pick it up.
...
freaked out, i turned on the light.
didn't have my glasses on.
picked it up to see what it was.
it was a still-born kitten.


yeesh...


i would like to protect life...
i even save spiders and bugs when i get the chance.


for example, Ingrid.
the very large spider i spent fifteen minutes saving in the bathhouse one day.
i dropped a trash can on her in hopes of killing her.
after seeing her walk away shaking one leg painfully...
i decided i would save her.


i'm a bit crazy.


but i like it that way.


backstage today i was whispering and dancing along to songs from a musical i enjoy.
the girl next to me laughed and whispered that i was a nut.
i can accept that.
i enjoy it quite a bit indeed.


*random
the perfect time to take your shower could be when your room mate is whispering into her phone about how she hasn't been happy lately...
and when she's on the verge of tears while talking on the phone...

i think i'll step back and give her some time.
and hope she'll be okay.

maybe if i put her stuffed bear in a funny position like i do from time to time it will make her smile...

why i don't argue with who i am

"wishful thinking" - threadless.com

i can feel the wind biting my conversed toes already...

i really, really feel like having cold weather.
putting on my favorite winchester hurley jacket.
ordering something warm from starbucks and walking around outside with it keeping me warm.
ah, and scarves, a scarf would be necessary.
and my favorite beanie hat.
would also be nice if there was a chocolate shop to buy one or two really nice chocolates to take forever eating.


i think i need to convince some friends to go to the plaza in a couple of months.