everywhere and in between

mentioning how my mind tends to go everywhere and can't help stumbling over things that pain me caused me to think of how many things i really think about in a day...

i'm not sure how other brains work, but i bounce around quite a few memories, views, ideals, perspectives, etc...

for example, walking across campus and seeing a trashcan, the pebbles on the side of it put me in mind of back in grade school when i would swing and daydream about a playhouse around the shady tree i was under that was built of those rocks. it had a kitchen sink with a bright, sunlit window and the inside looked a bit like a hobbit hole now that i'm thinking of it. and of course, while thinking of all those things i'm reminded of how i didn't have many friends, think of the one friend i had in sixth grade that said people were just jealous of me and that put me in mind of reading her facebook status this morning about how her one year-old son was sick and how i kind of liked she called him her 'lil bear.'

of course, those were lesser thoughts behind the main stream. 

my main thought went to that big black horse and the barn i would imagine was in the back practice field, my k-8 school was a high school and we kept the big piece of land that was the football/baseball/track field. the old barn with the worn red coat of paint and that i could picture with the doors wide open and me riding that horse out for a run around the field.

lesser thoughts while this main image was being considered were about the dirt-bike track i also imagined, the hockey-playing older brother i imagined, how much i miss riding and what camp will be like this coming summer with new management.

...and the list goes on.

i think i enjoy clarity of still night air because it pulls everything together...

calm...

complete mellow quietness...

i'll have thoughts bouncing about in other directions, but not as...

apparent, i suppose.

it's easy to see how i may stumble over unpleasant thoughts.

*random
i was thinking of the Beast from X-men...
he wishes he was not the big 'ape' of a mutant he was born to be.
he's 'just an honor student' and wishes he could just be that.
put me in mind of how last year i was a bit ticked that there was an honors program and i wasn't quick enough, smart enough, thought too much, whatever to receive a high enough ACT score to be admitted. off by a point i think.
thought of this a bit as i chatted with a friend that's in the honors program.
but then it occurred to me...
honors programs, scholars bowl, top ten...

had that become a part of me that suddenly isn't there anymore?

i'm just in classes, i'm not in advanced courses, i'm not on the 'top ten' list, i'm not being chal...
well, i wasn't challenged in any of the advanced courses i took in high school.
well, i was in physics and chemistry...
i enjoyed it, but i had to work.
science, math, and spanish were the only things i had to work on.

but really, should that be a solid part of who i am?
just because i'm not a part of any scholarly grou

-twenty minutes later-

somehow that reminded me of some random 'who's who' nomination i received.
i had the application filled out but had forgotten it was due today...
so i had a merry little trip about campus mid-blog.

'twas quite nice, actually...
especially coming out of the humanities building and kicking the leaves along the flowerbed...
it's quite wonderful when the sidewalk is wet and the sun breaks through the clouds just as you walk out...

i then decided to trek over to the library to get a coffee or juice...
visited with a few people, made a few people laugh, and the on my way back kicked about leaves and picked up a scarlet leaf that i admired...
the first leaf i've picked up of this autumn.

i wish i could be the one that paints the leaves...

i would spend my days painting tones that warm the soul on each leaf while breathing in the crisp air...
dancing about from tree to tree all by myself with no spectators...


anyhow, i digress.

i suppose that being in an honors program, considered smart, whatever, became a part of me.
but that wasn't, isn't who i am.
still, when that's gone i suppose the two categories can be confused...
brain muddles the lines...
but i don't need a program to say who i am...
would it be nice?
yes, would be wonderful.
but i am other things.
and i suppose i need to not feel i should be where i am not...
or at least remember what is important and put aside what isn't.