It comes with the feeling of suddenly being alone.
You look around, thrilled to find yourself with newfound freedom, and your spirit bursts forth in a fury of wild dancing and singing at the top of your lungs.
With one fell swoop you bound across and over the couch, gliding through intricate maneuvers you would never have the confidence to accomplish were someone looking.
Your heart is becoming what it is when no one is looking, and when pain is absent. The contrast startles you into being okay.
Until you have been alone too long. Quiet moments come, and you realize the emptiness. There's no dancing away from it. You realize it's not freedom, it's your soul reaching out to the heavens, trying to find just one bright spot in the darkness.
He's not there anymore. And it's not freedom, it's your soul trying to fill the void.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Day One
A bird outside my window woke me up.
Though it was before 4am its alertness roused me in an annoyingly perfect manner. Suddenly stricken with consciousness, I had a resounding feeling of sadness that I couldn’t understand, until, as if I were watching the dots physically connect before me, I realized. And all at once I remembered how heartbreak is notorious for keeping me awake at obscene hours, determined to pair my already puffy eyelids with a real reason to be exhausted. Laying on my back I attempted to fall back asleep, yet as 4am came, then 5am, then 6am, the only thing that came was the resounding feeling that there was a searing pain in my eyes that was determined to wash over my face in waves, as if each feature thereon were a rock with pained ripples connecting in geometric lines to one another until they ran out only to be started anew. All the while my mind tried to grasp my situation, though it was too confused and tired to do much more than echo thoughts through an empty chasm that just wanted to sleep and forget.
Awake, tired, heartbroken, and sorting through the night terrors that were about three dream levels deep, I decided life was absurd.
Though it was before 4am its alertness roused me in an annoyingly perfect manner. Suddenly stricken with consciousness, I had a resounding feeling of sadness that I couldn’t understand, until, as if I were watching the dots physically connect before me, I realized. And all at once I remembered how heartbreak is notorious for keeping me awake at obscene hours, determined to pair my already puffy eyelids with a real reason to be exhausted. Laying on my back I attempted to fall back asleep, yet as 4am came, then 5am, then 6am, the only thing that came was the resounding feeling that there was a searing pain in my eyes that was determined to wash over my face in waves, as if each feature thereon were a rock with pained ripples connecting in geometric lines to one another until they ran out only to be started anew. All the while my mind tried to grasp my situation, though it was too confused and tired to do much more than echo thoughts through an empty chasm that just wanted to sleep and forget.
Awake, tired, heartbroken, and sorting through the night terrors that were about three dream levels deep, I decided life was absurd.
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