typical.

so my contralto friend asks to have coffee this morning at 10, right?
immediately i think 'what's wrong, somthing is up, what did I do...?!?!'
dozens of scenarios run through my head, mainly involving choir, before finally scolding myself at trying to guess why. friends often have coffee together just to talk...
shouldn't be any different for me, right?
wrong.


because the only time people ask to hang out with me is when i have done something wrong.


damn it.


DAMN IT!


every time i think i'm doing okay, that i'm growing in the right direction, i learn that i've been messing up royally.


so I was right, and my Contralto friend was sent on a mission from my choir director.
apparently i'm undisciplined and disruptive.
and am 'infatuated with singing tenor'


...


and if it keeps going unchecked i may not be in choir next semester.


...wait what?
the perfect student that always did what was asked, was the model of discipline not because she needed to be and not because she was told to be but because she just was, the insecure hurt girl huddled inside an INTJ shell that beat herself up over EVER SINGLE FREAKIN' MISTAKE SHE HAS HAD IN HER LIFE.


that girl.


...that one.


apparently all of the quiet side-remarks i make to myself about me being frustrated with how i'm doing are disruptive.
I don't talk more that the other girls in class either...


I suppose i need to get used to not being invisible so i can consciously make myself invisible...?


AHHHHHH.


and as for being infatuated with singing tenor, where the hell did that come from...
yes, i love tenor.
it served to get me on my feet with choir.
then I began to pick up head voice.
now tenor is a fun thing every now and then but it will never be used. never.
i understand that the director says i 'will NEVER sing tenor in my choirs'
i don't need to.
if i was asked to i would.
but that's not where i need to be.
i'm excited to work on alto, and i love soprano.
sure i'm frustrated with myself, uncomfortable, and am afraid of people thinking i think i'm better than they are when i'm not, i have so much to learn...
if i ever start singing it in choir now i don't realize it...


i'm not infatuated with singing tenor!


and i don't know why or how i seem so immature!


*sigh*


all my life i was too mature.
too disciplined.
too reserved.


'maturity' for me is learning to live out more, to be exuberant, silly, flighty...
i suppose now that i found that i am able to attain those things that i need to now keep them in check.


what, do i need to tear out a few stitches and bleed all over in choir so i will keep a rein on myself?


do i need to put on a blindfold or give the jerk's girlfriend an invisibility cloak so i won't think about it?


what the hell can i do?!?!?!


*sigh*


what indeed.



why do i even bother, you know?


*sigh*


my friends do love me.
my contralto friend does understand a lot even though she thinks we're much more similar than we really are.
she however didn't understand any of the perceptions the director had of me, other than discipline as i can be flighty at times.
this i can see would translate as me not being serious about it, not caring, not wanting to be there and just buying time until i'm allowed to sing tenor.


...that's not what i want.


mentioned this to a couple of other people, they looked baffled and said i never talked in choir at all, what's he talking about?


so i guess i'm never getting in to the upper-tier choir.
just as well, not sure my voice could ever attain that quality consistently...


being me is silly.


i don't advise anyone else to try it.