lots of random tangents make one post.

(so i edited out the random tangents, this blog doesn't need them, i'll let the blood an' guts stay on my secret blog, mwuhahahah!)

yesterday my room mate and i were talking... really, i'm not sure i'd say so much to her if i wasn't so used to talking to myself all the time, and now i'm sharing a room... yet she's easy to talk to and understanding.
we were talking about how it's so hard to be able to say what you're thinking when no one has ever really cared enough about what you're thinking to ask you or pursue your thought... it just stays in your head. and then when someone genuinely wishes to know what you're thinking... you feel guilty and bad for saying 'i don't know'
but you honestly don't... you've never had to take what's in your head and make sense of it. i found it odd that both of us agreed that we felt guilty when we didn't know... it's not like we didn't want to say what was in our mind... we just couldn't.
i suppose that's the cost of being on your own...
and in all honesty, hardly anyone has quite cared enough to want to know what i'm thinking. and i'm not being cynical.
too cynical, that is.
the problem with that is that i got so used to people not caring, there are probably people that care now yet i'm used to never saying anything, so... i suppose that's part of why when i'm in trouble or feeling down, no matter what it just never occurs to me to go to anyone... well, okay. my friend in san fran. i was so glad she was online that time last week... i actually would have called her had she not been. but i've known her several years and talked to her so much... through so much...
and i need to get over the feeling that i'm inconveniencing people... i really do...
at anyrate, camp is always good for me :) in a few months that's where i shall be.
in the mean time i shall sit here on my own.

i wonder why some people think something's wrong with being content to sit alone in their dorm, no one coming by to visit, not really seeking anyone out even if there was anyone to seek out... i've known several people that think that's not right...
i'll admit i'm not completely okay with it being like that all the time, yet what can i do about it?

the snow looked lovely today... in the trees, delicately placed on the bushes... beautiful.
calming.
the ice in the trees looks so wonderful with the lamp illuminating them from behind...