observations of revelations.

*random
yesterday at jazz the director asked how everyone's chops were doing, i jokingly answered that mine were fine and we could play all night.
(this is funny because i don't play a wind instrument in jazz... chops are not an issue)

he laughed, rephrased the question and directed it at me.

'how's the confidence level back there?'

...

the couple of jazz members that remembered things i had shared about me in Germany and how much Sir had stressed me being confident in my playing kinda thought 'ooooooh...'

hmm.

leave it to every jazz director i meet to pinpoint my issues, even if it's just in jazz.

on the scale of 1-10 i was given i chose 5/6 but by the way i was playing he thought i was much higher...
yes!
playing more confidently than i am, that helps the band indeed...

i am getting used to playing without a piano (however our pianist from last year coming to help us yesterday was much appreciated...) and that's making me a stronger player, i didn't really back-peddle at all from not being able to practice while at camp...

*random
it's impossible not to live when you step outside with this kind of weather...

*random
'No matter how hard i strive for inner serenity, I screw up.  So why bother? By nature, we're both scrappers. We like it. An' when the need arises we can kill. Yukio wants me the way that I am. Mariko makes me want to change, to grow-- to temper the berserker in me.
I love 'em both. I failed 'em both. Worse, I failed myself.
Because I lost myself.
The key isn't winning or losing, it's making the attempt. I may never be what i ought to be, want to be-- but how will i know unless i try? Sure, it's scary, but what's the alternative? Stagnation -- a safer, more terrible form of death. not of the body, but of the spirit.
An animal knows what it is and accepts it. A man may know what he is-- but he questions. he dreams. he strives. changes. grows.'

wolverine, we are more alike than i could have guessed.

but then again just because the desire to grow is true of me also doesn't mean we're alike; 

that should be true of everyone.

but we realize it.

i may not be as tough as logan but i certainly have rough spots...

if i need them.

...and i want to know how in this 1982 issue wolverine has brown eyes but in Origin he had blue eyes...


*random
this attitude in wolverine is present early in his life...
i need to read as things progress, i'm curious how the shift occurs when Mariko is killed...

*random

You know Lord, i find it interesting that it is best to end up with someone that makes you better. someone that challenges you to grow. become a better person.


...i do that already.
my own skin becomes uncomfortable when i go against who i am.
when i'm not striving to be better.
perhaps not even that...
when i'm not learning more about becoming who i really am.
whoever that is...
the more you know the more you don't know...


cognitive perplexity (being able to understand things and reasons behind opinions) just adds confusion to it all.


sometimes i look at people that have difficulties understanding the perspectives of others with envy.
certainly just because i comprehend does not mean i can have empathy, but i can perceive the reasons.
and that makes things confusing.
then again many that cannot understand perspectives make assumptions...
i'm always afraid of that; perhaps paranoically so. (...is that a word? well it is now.)
and no matter how much you think you can perceive there will always be things you don't know about people.


i wonder at how this blog makes me seem...
it says so much and yet nothing.
hmm.