feared faults manifested in others.

i find it remarkable that the creator of an 'ideal man' could not live up to her ideals.

even Ayn broke down.
"John Galt wouldn’t feel this, he would know how to handle this. I don’t know."

her ideal was unbreakable.
strong.
commanding.
yet somehow in his selfishness considerate.

Ayn felt that she had to be like him.
and she found that she couldn't.

Lord, i don't have to be Dagny.
i don't have to be Howard.
i don't even have to be Wynand.

(awkward part of post where i control Z'd my way too far and then forgot how to get it back so i'm re-writing and it's not as good as the first time.)

i deal with the pain you have entrust to me (much like the parable of the servants and the talents, i didn't bury it, i used it to learn and grow...) and learn to coexist (or not accept) humanity within myself.

i am not john galt.
and Lord, You are better.

Ayn set the bar higher than even the bar could reach...

despite all of her philosophies she came up short.
and she felt that at times.

i would have liked to meet her...

talk to her...

at least show her that a Christian can have half a brain.

or just talk.

'yust to talk.' as my character magda says.

-later-

...how sad is it that i'm sick of him to the point that his boasting and arrogance in his bio (i'm designing the layout of the programs for the play) makes me sick?
...makes other people sick aswell, but really.

i do not have to be john galt.

i do not have to be john galt.

i do NOT have to be John Galt!

i don't have to hold a terrible piercing gaze.
i don't have to laugh at the arrogance i see before me.
i don't have to raise my eyebrows and give a glance that kills.

i do not have to let his portrayal of a randian character bring out the stoic INTJ with blunt strength and no weakness.

i need to stay in character.

great scot, he's not ellsworth, he's not ellsworth, he's not ellsworth...

wow.
or is he?
not in scheme perhaps, but it fits...
hmm.
it does indeed.
objectavist jacket.

at anyrate.

just because my head is in Rand as i think of how to portray my character, that does not mean my true character or the character at least that such characters bring about, has to show.


Lord, is it just me or is he like a Howard Roark gone wrong?
no, no, more like...
oh.
perhaps if Keating or Toohey thought he was Roark...

ah, the arrogance...
great scot.
makes sense.


but i shouldn't categorize.
and i shouldn't think arrogance even if i see it.


shake the hell out of it, Lindsay!
it's not like you!

think of...
when the wind pushes the cans of juice you use to keep the curtains closed and they clang on your desk, the sun shines on your face and the fresh air dances across your body it may be time to wake up.

i think after those crazy dreams i'm back to normal for today.

and i now possess a crazy feeling that my music theory teacher is my older brother even though he's not.


*sing-song*
'hey, give me space so i can breathe... hey, give me space now i can breathe...'
oh, that's not how the song goes?
it is for the day.