one a.m. and tired i am.

you know, it would be nice to have someone to look up to...

i suppose i'm thinking of how most people look up to others because of how perfect they seem.
their parents that can do no wrong, when a child is younger.
their parents that helped them be who they are, when the child is grown up.

but other than that...
mother theresa?
gandhi?
the president?
a famous writer?
ayn rand?

we choose people that we want to be just like...
perfect in our own eyes;
or at least that's the route many take...

the people that i've looked up to in life...

one married his girlfriend at 15 because they were pregnant.

another isn't a Christian. (and the K-LOVE listeners say *GASP!*)

one has made, and continues to make, bad decisions.

i don't tend to gravitate towards people that have long inspirational stories.
no words that bring tears to the eyes of people everywhere...
no, some of them sit around and drink beer with their friends on the weekend.
no platform or audience for them; their stories are told at the archery shed while waiting for campers to come.
sitting in the back of a truck at 1am.
at a marble show where you see people once or twice a year.
meeting some person randomly at the store...

i suppose i'm picky about who i look up to...
and Lord, You're the only One that's perfect out of them.
of course there's no comparing...

but there's a difference.

i also find it interesting that these people, even if they hardly know me, they care about me greatly.
they can't comprehend anyone not liking me...
it does happen.
i accept when some people don't like me, they just don't know me or maybe i was just having an off day. perhaps they just don't like me. perhaps as one person said to me that they like me too much... or perhaps i convict them of something they're avoiding.
but i suppose after so many years of people not liking you... you tend to grow apathetic towards it. you certainly want to know why and wonder if they just got the wrong assessment...

...and i still think that i would have liked an older brother.
because while i have several people that i kind of look up to...
it's not the same.
guess i wanted someone to lookout for me, see me downcast and think 'where is he? i'll punch his lights out!' but not actually do it.
anyhow.