well day started out alright... had a good breakfast, got up in plenty of time to enjoy my morning. had put how badly i played last night behind me.
getting on the bus i found my red music folder in my seat.
hint hint.
i'd been told to look over my music, and i had.
i guess they thought they'd help me along, they meaning the trumpet-sponsor and maybe my director.
*sigh*
i'm sorry that i'm letting them all down...
the thought occurred to me today that my HS director had thought i should go to the school he went to and play bass in their jazz band, would also save money because that school's just 20-30 minutes from home. if i'm having trouble in this band, how could i play for a larger school like that? suppose in HS we played as much music in two years as we're playing now in college jazz.
a jazz director from a small private university had played with our band my senior year in hs... and he wanted me to go to his school pretty badly, he had been looking for a solid bassist.
and now i'm sitting here struggling thinking i'm a poor excuse for a bass player.
i need to remember my circumstances... a lot of songs we play i've played just once or twice... just started all this music at semester... and i am getting better at sight reading...
*sigh*
so i spent most of my morning apologizing for my very existence.
always feel that i create more problems than i help with... in everything... ah well. suppose i'm all they have.
i'll do better... it will take a bit, but i'm hanging on...
at least i did better today in concert...
the long drive today wasn't quite as pleasant... the golden hills of kansas gave way to the corn-stubbled hills of nebraska, which could be nice... at times... yet when the world is dead and cold i found scarcely any solace in the earth today. the sky however was vibrant, clouds lovely... and as we crossed into the current state there were occasional hills and river beds... running water everywhere... that was quite nice...
however falling asleep is quite hard on the bus, there's not much room to stretch out and my back is hurting so much from twisting every which way to find a position that doesn't cause pain... this ridiculously comfortable couch even hurts my back after that bus...
and the girls practicing their music for choir made me miss choir aswell... *sigh* almost feel i'm being punished for not being an alto. yet i'm new to singing, so i just can't keep up i suppose... not sure i'll ever be let into the upper-tier choir as a tenor... i do miss it so...
we watched one of the movies i brought along in the bus, 'up,' that cheered me, even if the beginning still almost makes me cry. wonderful movie, quite whimsical as well ^_^
today out band director discovered the microphone that allows you to talk to everyone on the bus while driving.
this microphone was epic.
and then he told us a story...
he's about 68, when he was 8 years old he was diagnosed with a certain type of polio. this type of polio starts at the base of your spinal cord and works its way up, it's terminal as it ceases function of your heart, lungs, digestive tract, everything. his father was a temporary pastor for a church that's now a nazarene church close to where i live, the guy i dated goes there now. the doctors told his parents that either saturday or sunday he would die. there was no escaping this polio, those two days were crucial. his father, as 'shepard' for that church went on sunday. he said it was more of a large scale prayer-meeting for our music director... and that day the polio stopped... sir began to recover.
the terminal polio was gone.
the doctor's couldn't believe it, they were dumbfounded.
his parents called it a miracle,
one doctor said there's no other explanation,
the other said there is no explanation and it can't be a miracle.
he wanted to remind us that God can do anything... not that he will, but he can. he mentioned our piano player's family, he said he knew they put it all in God's hands, and that they will accept whatever God does.
sir also used this opportunity to tell us about how much his parents loved him... they adopted him when he was 2.5 months old. he never knew his real mother, he had two parents that loved him very much and he didn't need to know. he ist just thankful that he was put up for adoption as opposed to other options...
never underestimate the sanctity of life, or the power of God.
i'm going to miss my band director when he retires... he has a lot of passion for what he's doing...
i feel terrible that i've been letting him and the rest of the band down...
*weak sigh*
the house we're at today is my idea of a perfect house.
farm house.
spacious but not enormous.
old original accents, windows, doors, door frames, renovated and decorated wonderfully.
big windows in the front room facing west as to see the sunset.
kitchen facing east as to see the sunrise wihle eating breakfast.
amazingly renovated basement.
huge corner tub in the basement restroom that i'm esctatic about using.
best part:
porch swing facing west.
*sigh*
i love this house.
stars are so clear in the country...
so clear indeed...
hopefully tomorrow i can kind of branch out of my shell...
i don't like apologizing just for living...
this evening with the other five girls staying here i was able to be kind of out there, that was nice...
i can't wait for camp...
i'm more myself there...
very much out there and sure of myself with campers...
still kinda quiet but helpful with the counselors...
one of the guy counselors from last year is coming back, he was my counselor my first year at camp when i was in 7th grade. i enjoy talking to him... he's kind of like a big brother, in a way. he's had a lot of experiences...
i remember when he told me 'lindsay, this may sound like a weird thing to tell you, but just know that falling in love is one of the most powerful things in your life. just looking in someone's eyes and saying that you love them, and knowing that they feel the same way about you... it's like a high. the best feeling in the world. and people will go looking for that high, they want it if they don't have it. once you've experienced it you eagerly look for the next opportunity...' felt like he was warning me... i suppose it makes sense as to why people seem to jump from relationship to relationship, always looking for a new one... not everyone does that, yet i've noticed it...
haha, and then there was the advice from him and another guy counselor 'lindsay, never, ever marry the first guy you date.' yay following directions!!!...?
i like hearing about life from him. he knows a lot even if he doesn't listen to his own advice... he's done a lot in his life, not all good... and he regrets that. wonder if he's shaped up since last summer, what he's been doing. i can have real conversations with him, and even enjoy listening to him talk to other people. he would make a good older brother... wonder what would have happened to the guy i dated if he was my older brother... hmm... nah. he's too smart for that. but he may have scared him a little...
and one of the other girl counselors is also coming back... and i think one of my guy friends from when i was a camper is going to be a counselor this year... he goes to art school, so he should be interesting to talk to, someone that speaks design geek.
haha, and of course the site director and his wife... love them both. enjoy talking to the site director... and he enjoys talking to me. knows i'm different... that i'm just not like other people... and talk about someone that's seen life... army in panama 4 years... losing his son to brain cancer when he was 12, staying at a job he couldn't stand just for the health benefits for his son... and stuff i'm not sure i should know that i promised would never leave the shelter house at our aframes. i listened to two of the guy counselors talk about life quite a bit, and they trust me... i shouldn't even say those things on a blog that practically no one reads.
and i think another guy that's worked at camp as a wrangler and maintenance person that i also kind of look up to may be working at camp this summer :) he volunteered last summer.
looks like this is shaping up to be a good summer...
as long as there aren't any haunting memories, i shall be fine.
odd thing about those:
i'm starting to be able to disconnect myself to such that while i remember him i forget that i was ever there. kind of... it that makes sense... when i do remember me ever being there i just get nauseous and sick... like remembering how he was looking at me that time my laptop was restarting, and seeing our reflection...
sick to my stomach.
camp... please...?
starry nights...
camp fires...
my 'family' of big brothers and good friends and people i look up to and campers that look up to me...
we're our own community out there, it does change...
i suppose like the site director, i'm there for the camp.
we're both tied to that land by the heart strings.
and i'm dedicated to being a positive influence on those kids...
haha, and as the returning guy counselors says, i'm 'the spirit of camp embodied. what every counselor should hope to be'
...at least i can do something right...
something...
*sigh*
No comments:
Post a Comment