It’s when you’re breaking down, with your insides coming out, that’s when you find out what your heart is made of...

great scot.
i did well.
i actually did well.
at something.
at bass playing.
sure i messed up, yet i wasn't utterly lost... maybe for a bit in pavane, had a blonde moment with the codas there... yet still, i was able to read the bass clef and figure out where i was and hang onto the chord changes... and i'm not the only one that noticed! haha, after two songs of reading bass clef i turned to the piano player and said 'I'm reading notes! I'm actually reading notes!' and he laughed and said 'you are!' i smiled for the rest of the concert, had a good time... and he also said i did a good job during 'sing sing sing' afterwards the drummer said i did well, and my director hugged me and said 'so did you wake up or somethin? you're getting it!' and the bassist for the church we were at said i made that piece of wood sound like it's meant to.
i hope i can keep this up and it's not just a strange anomaly...
at anyrate, i can only improve, and i'll grow more familiar with the songs...
just glad i could support the band well...
i didn't feel like a failure... and when i did mess up i laughed and took it in stride.
once i conquered (i messed up yet i found my place and wasn't that noticeable!) all of those pieces of bass clef reading... i was confident that i could roll with those chord changes and take that easier bass clef reading piece. and my amp was turned up so people could hear me... one of the sax players and one of the trombones said i did a really good job... and they could hear me... and that i was adding a nice feel, like on one bluesy song...
i was confident... even when i messed up?
wow.

...and i have no one to tell that would understand how ridiculously monumental that is...

so the day ended well, albeit with a sour note. staying with a wonderful old couple, the other two girls and i talked with them for about an hour. at one point having several people of one name in the family came up, and turns out the lady has three girls of one name in her family, all of which are shortened to the name of the girlfriend the guy that dated me had a week and a half before we went out. and they talked constantly about that situation and that name came up every .02 seconds for fifteen freakin' minutes. i was having a perfectly pleasant evening, lovely, i was talking, being open, more like my 'marble show' self, but then that came up and i jumped, literally i did, it felt like i was woken up. ah well, such is life.
i also grew nauseous when up on stage i remembered my first jazz concert with that band, and how he stood in the back of the audience up against the door to the offices, right behind my parents. that thought made me very nauseous. but i had a band depending on me, so i couldn't let pathetic thoughts keep me down. i took a deep breath and went into the song, concentrating very hard on what i was reading.
it's been a month now...
yay for it being a month since the person that was the closest anyone ever was to me rejected me! happy one month of being free of me and my problems to him, no more pathetic girl that doesn't have confidence in herself, feels like a failure, and that is even more disillusioned because he tried to help her see herself the way God does and now she is trying to get everything he said scrubbed clean out of her mind forever! now he can move on to better girls!
today we left one of our trombone players, one that is very loud and is trying to dress like a skater, at a gas station. on purpose. our director started the bus and drove around to the back side of the station as the guy walked inside to throw a box away. it was hilarious... i wanted to text him and tell him about it. but didn't want to bother him. i almost did text him when someone at our concert was wearing a minnesota hockey jersey. i hadn't turned my phone on all day, figured i wouldn't bother.
i'm pathetic.
ah well.

the day began well...
woke up at 6:20 as breakfast was served at 7am, i had stayed up late. took an hour long bath, decided to in realizing how long it had been since i had relaxed at all... i don't remember the last time... umm... err... been a while. or forever.
had a wonderful breakfast... saw the sun rise while sitting at the kitchen table, beautiful sunrise... and the air felt wonderful... that family was very nice indeed, i can tell they feel very blessed to have such a talented daughter (this was one of our vocalist's house) and have worked hard for all they have.
the sunrise... wish i could see it every day.
the drive here was less pleasant to say the least...
the seats on the bus are cramped enough.
well, today one of our vocalists (she's... larger... love her, but she is.) sat next to me and i had the window seat.
AHHHHHHGGGGHHH.
there is no way to turn that my back did not hurt. it still hurts... my eyes were watering from pain and it came down to which position hurts the least and how long can i take it before it's too much and i have to move.
i did give a few people back massages... i'm apparently 'amazing' yet i wouldn't know... wish someone would give me a back massage... until then i'll just bite my tongue and put up with it.
and then i walk into a gas station, look at the mirror and realize my bright reddish acne matches the purple plaid shirt i'm wearing perfectly.
and i'm getting a cold sore.
and i haven't any cold sore medicine.
and i'm eating junk food because that's all we have.
lovely.
shallow things yet frustrations nonetheless.
then again, cold sores just plain hurt.
and look terrible.
not that it really matters what i look like... well, it does. i just shouldn't care too much. i've been through the not caring at all phase... those were not fun times...

i have nothing real to say, in case you haven't noticed.
i just once again have no one to talk to but myself.
so i do so here.

the song 'yet' by switchfoot was running through my head all day...
"it’s when you’re breaking down with your insides coming out that’s when you find out what your heart is made of..."
that and 'mostly prove me wrong' ran through my head quite a bit...
i need to prove myself wrong...
*sigh*
i will one of these days.

best get to bed...
this bed is a rock...
almost literally...
i can sleep on the floor and be happy, so i figured i'd take it so the other two girls could have the nice mattress in the other room... this mattress is harder than the carpet, actually...
ah well.
anything is better than the bus...
*sigh*
back hurts...
so badly...
all the way up and down...
my neck is a rock...
my shoulders are solid and tense...
i'm a mess.
but i did well today.
thank you Lord...
so much...
and thank you that my jazz director and the piano player are happy for me when i do well...
and thank you for the piano player that always helps when i'm lost, very glad for the plethora of measure numbers he has yelled my way and the pointers on rhythms he's given me over the past few months.
and Lord?
thank you that i was confident even through my mistakes... that's what makes a truly good bass player, or musician of any kind, and i did that today.
and i'll keep working with You on everything else. but even just being confident for that little bit... thanks.
i know i don't sound like myself today...
i really don't...
not even typing right.
yet it's been a long day.
and Lord?
i'll take as much as You give me.
but i'm sure as heck not looking for it...
goodnight...
and Lord?
have i thanked You enough for holding me all those nights when i fell asleep crying when i was little? or those early versions of introvert corner?
i could feel that, You know.
and i always feel that You're listening...
even if no one else is...
or if i won't let anyone else.