(stick with me here, the long randomness has a point.)
i wonder at all the people that post 'too blessed to be stressed!' as their status.
umm...
i'm pretty darn blessed, and i still get stressed.
of course, if i'm completely calm and taking it in stride i'm not stressed. it's more when people hear all that i'm doing and stare at me funny for it that i feel stressed.
yet today has ben a good day, albeit it shall be a very long day beginning with my class at 1:45...
it was nice to see a few of my favorite people at camp... haha, the site director sat next to me. 'twas amusing.
driving back i took time to enjoy the landscape... love kansas, then again i like most anywhere...
air was cool and felt wonderful, roll your window down and rest your elbow in the open window kind of weather. haha, i recall one weekend ropes course i facilitated, a girl in the group thought that it was a dirt road so it didn't have a name. i like dirt roads... i like open space... trees...
on the highway i was listening to my jack johnson curious george album, quite content, watching the dark clouds roll in, nearly exploding when i saw a grove of green trees, that made me happy...
"And the warm wind blows in that same old sound
And the water below gives a gift to the sky
And the clouds give back every time they cry
And make the grass grow green beneath my toes"
^_^
in other news, i was reminded today of ACT scores and the wonderful honors program that schools implement... *note sarcasm
in HS the gifted people got all the ACT prep help, extra opportunities to learn, they got treated as if they were better, really. kinda annoyed me... especially when the gifted advisor was trying to get a girl out of sophomore english because she didn't really learn anything in freshman english. i didn't learn anything but MLA format in BOTH of the college classes i took my senior year!
my mom's a school psyche, she had practiced IQ and learning skills tests on my for years before they tested kids in second grade, she knew where i was, she was never thrilled with the school psyche in my district so when i missed the curve by a few points or whatever she didn't have me retested. she regretted it in HS, yet just aswell. the psyche said i didn't apply myself... well, they took me out to take the tests during snack time and said i could have my snack if i got done fast... so... what's more important to a second grader, a fun test that you have no idea what it's for, or your stomach growling and the sooner you get done with something you get your crackers? and i may have been a 'perfect' kid (or so i hear) yet i was also the stereotypical smart kid who wasn't learning anything and was bored. i didn't have to 'apply' myself... my teacher still gave me extra work and homework that the other two kids got even though i wasn't 'qualified'
at anyrate.
not a fan of my 27 ACT score, should have taken it another time.
not a fan at all...
hate timed tests...
i would get in the 30's on untimed practice tests, just give me ten more minutes in math and science... and an attention span in the others...
i really shouldn't care about a stupid test, even if i just missed the honors score for this college by one point.
a kid on the jazz bus was bragging about his good score.
i'm fine with people getting better scores than me, but just don't brag about it as if a number makes you better...
or even friends that i have that are in honors here and just act like they're smarter, or rather that they're smart and i'm not. i think they've learned though... i guess?
and what bothers me more is that when people who the world deems are smarter than me are... not.
and i'm still treated like i'm not smart.
well, okay, i don't act like i am...
don't believe or trust myself enough for that.
oh well. i graduated with a top ten medal, fancy gold cords, a community service medal and a dictionary from the KU honors program that says i was in the top ten of my class.
heh. and i graduated higher than most of the gifted people in my class.
that should be enough.
i guess it frustrates me that it bothers me.
suppose others' bragging and talking down to you would bother anyone...
odd thing is that i focused on grades and my college courses so much to attain a chunk of cheap metal, some string, and a thick book. (and the kansas honors scholar, got that, has a nice scholarship aswell...)
and then what mattered the most was the hunk of wood with metal on it that i got just for being myself.
i appreciated my outstanding senior girl award so much...
i was shocked really...
ridiculously shocked to be nominated...
and i jumped out of my seat and was in disbelief when i got the award...
i still can't believe that's my name on there...
it proves that you can be noticed, appreciated, and valued even if you're not deemed 'smart' by the school system... because who cares what school officials that don't know you think? the teachers that knew me, talked to me, and graded my papers knew who i was. i wasn't 'smart' or 'gifted' or labeled, i was lindsay.
instead i was deemed 'clever and witty' by my spanish teacher, 'bright' by my advisor for tech facilitator hour, 'trustworthy and smart' by my chem/physics and my multimedia teacher, 'don't apologize for yourself, you're a great student and a hard worker that does impeccable work.' said my english teacher my senior year... never did give him my papers to use for examples... whoops... 'inquisitive, curious, should be a scientist' by my freshman biology teacher that would answer my inexhaustible questions, my band teacher that saw how i cared for people when my friend that was the football manager came in crying because of the football situation at school and ended up being one of the teachers that nominated me, my friend in san fran that says i'm one of the people that will never be duplicated, that i inspire her, my principal that wished he could have an entire school of kids just like me and said i could come back anytime- he also really trusted me, my grade school principal that knew i was a 'smart' kid and thought i should be a scientist aswell, my current band director that knows i want to learn and that i try to learn in everything i do- he knows that i'm different, my old/new testament prof that thinks quite highly of me and reads all of my response cards even when i'm just being a pathetic girl and crying through my pencil onto paper about being broken up with, that parent at camp that appreciated me and told me never to underestimate the power i hold as a positive influence over those campers, the site director at camp saying that i'm just different and that there should be more people like me (high praise from him) his wife telling my mom that i was one of their favorite people, that counselor at camp saying that i'm what all counselors should aspire to be, that i'm the very spirit of camp embodied, the people on the selection committee for that award that a couple at church said talked to them about me, they thought quite highly of me even though i had met them for fifteen minutes... i wasn't showing myself off, i was having a conversation. i was being me.
that's what should matter.
i shouldn't be bothered by numbers on ridiculous tests.
and those are all the times i can remember off the top of my head...
they recognized that i was different, they appreciated me, they treated me for what they knew and didn't care if i was labeled 'gifted' or if i got a high ACT score.
why do i care about numbers that don't matter or programs that God apparently doesn't think i need anyway?
i shouldn't place value in that.
i suppose it's just one more thing that tells me i'm not good enough.
why is it that bothers me when so many of the people in my life think so highly of me...?
why is it i think so little of myself and assume others think worse when those that actually know me think highly of me...?
but i still may assume that they... don't think highly of me? or like me?
why must i be so oxymoronic?
in other news, found a good blog today...
i know nothing about the author in question, should have read the book before giving it back, but i figured my cds magically appeared on my desk i may aswell get the book to him while one of his friends was walking down the hallway.
i don't understand why people are pouncing all over the place before really reading it...
i try and take what i hear and read with a grain of salt... my pastor once said that we should even question him, we need to own our faith and not just take whatever we hear or read.
in other news:
i hate acne.
i once wished that acne would take a long, LONG vacation.
well it did.
and it's back.
i was looking at old pictures and realizing... other than the odd breakout maybe once a year (that was never this bad) or the stray zit or pimple, i have never really had bad acne at all...
in news other than the other news:
i have a cup of peaches in the fridge that i would like to eat right now...
in news other than the other news that's different from the other news:
time for jazz band...
last yet most definitely not least:
we were supposed to get storms... i wanted my thunderstorms...
when i was younger, from 1st-5th grade, thunderstorms were when i would run and nab my old hockey jersey (from a minor league team where i'm from, they were free to the first 100 kids at the door! yeah!) and get all cozy in it and watch the storm. i'd do this even in school. made me happy.
i need a hockey jersey that fits me...
ah well, i like watching games yet i don't think i really have a need for one, wish dad hadn't gotten sick just when we got a team back home.
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