i don't know why things brings me down.
and today wasn't horrible... just nothing went my way... negative things.
but they shouldn't leave me this downcast.
i suppose...
you are convinced to trust someone.
convinced convinced, the trust is begged out of you.
you trust them.
you're timid, yet you do trust them.
you just can't control how quickly you show that.
then they leave you.
and you feel betrayed.
betrayed yet that it's your fault...?
ha. world view he says.
go look at a red sunset.
clouds illuminated and glowing...
go feel a calm morning.
night air as clean as it can be...
soft rain...
piercing stars in the night sky...
the dew on a bright pink daisy...
laying in the grass and looking at the world from a different angle...
looking at what's forgotten...
look at them.
that's my world view.
wonder.
awe of God's creation...
wonder of it...
or at least how i view the world.
today i was getting ready for auditions my directing class was holding and i passed the choir rehearsing 'winter's on the wing'
a beautiful song...
it hurt.
to be singing of such things with such a wonderful melody...
and i can't be involved.
i miss choir.
i was happy for him to have earned a spot in it.
now, after this whole ordeal, it just hurts that he's singing a song that enraptures me in word and melody, makes me want to go sing outside and run around barefoot in the grass, roll down a hill or two... and he's embracing the melody, being carried off into the wind with the words of hope in spring...
while he's crushing the spirit of the song in me.
embracing it in song and crushing it in me.
it's a 'how dare he sing of me...' thing.
'how dare he be capable of singing of me without realizing the spirit he crushed' thing.
i suppose there are more fitting songs to me out there.
but still.
and today i was talking to someone outside in the hall next to the classroom as they rehearsed. we chatted and i told her how much i missed choir, especially when they sang that song... that it kind of hurt to hear it sang when i do so love spring and... she stopped me from finishing and started singing it with them. saying i should miss choir. i know she was joking, but i had tears in my eyes already. it hurt to hear that song and not be a part of it. she sang on. told me i should be an alto. i told her i wasn't ready. i can't just jump into alto, even my voice teacher hasn't had me go there yet... it will take a bit of work, going from tenor to alto.
and she sang on.
she told me i should have been an alto.
because it's better.
and she sang on.
i sighed and told her i can't help it.
she said oh well, you need to start singing alto.
and she sang on.
i asked her to stop, it really did hurt...
she said i should have been an alto.
and then sang on.
of course she understood the introvert that's trembling and has a tear running down her cheek, i mean, that's what people do when they understand someone.
they're insensitive.
and they sing on thinking they're right.
or that they understand.
*sigh*
she's nice... i do wish she would have stopped though... and wish she would try to understand rather than just saying i should be alto...
earlier that day while waiting for my lesson the choir director told me he really enjoyed pirates. he asked me if i was auditioning for choir. he wanted to make sure i was... he asked how jazz was doing. he hadn't known i was no longer on vocals. part of why he didn't feel bad letting me go when the concert choir turned to women's chorus was because i had the musical, jazz band, voice lessons, and choral union... now no jazz, no musical.
so i was already thinking of that when the girl that apparently understands me well enough for that sort of opinion, well i suppose she knows him, yet still, i was thinking of that as she sang on...
at anyrate.
you know, lately i've been thinking of where i'll live once i'm graduated and all...
i haven't a clue...
suppose it will be in/around a large city... i'll have to find some place that needs a graphic designer, and a small town will not do...
just hope i can afford some place with some form of an outside...
suppose that limits me to midwest cities...
i do so want to live in the country... land, perhaps a grove of trees... field... pond stocked with fish for fishing... someplace i can see the sunset without houses or an infinite amount of street lamps or power lines...
or at least suburbs with lots of space...
i'd even be fine with space similar to what's around my house i suppose...
just need outside.
some place i can go and breathe.
yet on a graphic designer's paycheck i probably can't do that.
i digress.
from what though?
i don't know.
*randomyou know, part of me says that when he gets a new girlfriend it will be 'oh, have fun with your outgoing ruth. i do hope she doesn't give too much PDA, i mean, save something for when you two aren't in public. enjoy ruth. oh, and by the way, if you find my heart when you're taking out your trash tell it not to bother coming back, i'll be fine without it. and you may want to take your trash out soon, all that blood coming out of it may get messy. wash your hands while you're at it, Lady Macbeth.'
i had a lot more piercing things to say, that's rather mild... yet i can't recall them now.
perhaps it's a good thing.
i don't like thinking things like that.
i dislike piercing people with words when it's not needed.
or called for.
or nice.
i don't like thinking it.
yet what can i do.
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