while waiting for the van's trailer to get fixed, i began reading a national geographic article in which an agnostic scientist interviewed a famed scientist of the Christian faith whose research lies in the Human Genome Project. when this happens, you know little science is actually going to be discussed. however there were a few things pertaining to science...
one thing collins (the Christian) said i really could relate to... this was in response to a question about prayer leading to miracles and such... 'prayer for me is not a way to manipulate God into doing what we want him to do. Prayer for me is much more a sense of trying to get into fellowship with God. I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing rather than telling Almighty God what He should be doing. Look at the Lord's Prayer. It says, "Thy will be done"'
indeed... it was a good article... wish i knew a good solid Christian that's a good scientist, feel that we could relate quite a bit in our analytical approach to things...
i had more to say, yet fleeting thoughts fall between my fingers once again, and this was the fragment i could grasp this evening.
wait, another...
Horgan (agnostic): "Many people have a hard time believing in God because of the problem of evil. If God loves us, why is life filled with so much suffering?"
Collins: "That is the most fundamental question that all seekers have to wrestle with. First of all, if our ultimate goal is to grow, learn, and discover things about ourselves and things about God, then unfortunatly a life of ease is probably not the way to get there. I know I have learned very little about myself or God when everything is going well. Also, a lot of the pain and suffering in the world we cannot lay at God's feet. God gave us free will, and we may choose to excercise it in ways that end up hurting other people."
indeed.
i may feel masochistic when i thank God for the pain i've endured, for the pain he has trusted me with... but i feel deeply honored. (maybe not with the whole heartbreak stuff. i'm not really talking about that here.) God wanted me to feel and appreciate life so deeply that he had to allow me to be cut deeply to truely experience that, and to know myself and Him better... however in knowing both yourself and Him better you learn that you know nothing in the grand scheme of things...
God wanted me to be able to see life this way...
not many other people have that...
would i sacrifice the fire i went through and instead cling to an artificial warmth?
or endure it as the embers spark and blaze, producing a glow of its own?
...no, i could never live a flourescent life, seeing nature through a window, safe in a sterile environment where nothing can hurt you.
no pain no gain?
no gain no pain?
gain = pain?
pain = gain?
hmm...
at anyrate, how deep you have been cut in life is how deep you feel, how deep you live, how deep you see, how deep you love, how deeply you need others yet run to the depths of yourself because while you have endured much and you are strong...
you are still weak and trying not to be hurt again.
i once was strong enough that the lashes would roll down my back and i could be stone faced.
yet you can't be that forever.
and even then you break down when there's no one around...
you can't break down in front of people, that means you would feel the lashes...
my friend cassie once called me her rock... another friend, a close friend for a good 7 years also called me that. she's getting married tomorrow... well, today by now. and i wasn't invited. and she never told me about it.
at anyrate... a rock weathers over time... often from the inside out aswell as the outside in...
but it's even stronger to take the weak being inside of you and surface it...
merge it, balance it, blend it into the stone faced individual you had been.
i don't know what it is with me wanting to be so strong in who i am...
suppose...
well Lord...
i lean on You...
but other than that...
i'm on my own...
stand on my own two feet...
*quietly...*
and that's all i have ever known...
You know Lord, i almost feel that whole situation from a bit ago it like being rejected for inability to be outgoing, to lean, to learn to have someone there (not quite the reason i was rejected. his feelings changed. i get that.) is just a dis on my entire being. it's telling that five year old who's going herself to sleep hearing about how she can't do anythign right that because she's not crying to someone she's not good enough. to that twelve year old who's being yelled at for being stupid that because she's not getting angry back or crying or showing any emotion she's not good enough. telling that 14 year old who is crying herself to sleep most every night that because she's not spilling to the two or three friends she has she's not good enough. telling that eighteen year old who remains strong while being told she doesn't deserve a graduation party and that she's more trouble than she's worth that because she didn't have any close friends to run to, fell asleep crying because she's been conditioned to believe everything that was said, is fighting tooth and nail to stop believing the lies, and is trying to live her life against the voices that constantly nag and yell and lie...
telling her that's she's not worth it.
his feelings changed.
i get that.
but why?
...then again, i'm realizing i never really had any.
who's the jerk now?
beautiful weather today...
day was okay...
i think it was a good day...
but i just can't have a good day lately, if that makes sense.
his status today talked about how incredible his life is.
punch in the gut.
even one of my jazz friends looked at the status and said 'oh really?'
God, i'm willing to accept that you can make someone ruin another's life for a few months (and only the first month of that is done! huzzah! *note sarcasm.) and still make their life incredible...
it just hurts...
suppose because i'm much more hurt than he is and that he's able to get on completely in days i feel that i never really meant much to him at all...?
yes, i guess that's it.
oh well, does it really matter if i ever meant anything or not?
no.
i don't matter.
ah well...
yet i'm learning at the same time that i do... jazz wise, in this family i'm a part of now...
i swear, if his ex-girlfriend 'likes' the status i'm going to hurl...
we had a lot of down time as our lead alto went to get her saxophone fixed and the piano player worked with the vocalists, so the trumpet-sponder sat down with me and helped me practice. we got a lot of song 21 done... he seem to think that i have a lot of talent... a lot of it is just me not knowing what to do... he recognizes that i have been dumped with a LOT of music to learn (what, 50 songs?) and he seems to think the other bassist quit... i don't know... suppose it's not my business... yet he knows i have the ability, yet i'm ernety trying... haha, he pointed out a few people in the band that he has 'Christian love for' but one is hiding in the music, another is... well... you'd have to know him, and another is just hurting us with the ability... and even our illustrious piano player makes mistakes... (he's a great piano player, yet some people think he can do no wrong...) he said i'm a smart girl, and with that talent i can do it... i did play that song he helped me with very well today. and i will make mistakes... and i'm good enough that i can do that and not hurt everyone else in the band. and i do admit i'm letting the drums take the tempo and the piano take the chord changes... *sigh* i am... yet the bass needs to be leading both. i think i'll set a goal to match them for tempo and chords... wait... i...
*giddy*
I TOOK THE TEMPO TONIGHT.
on some songs... but wow... i did...
i have taken the chords on a few songs before, but not really the tempo...
the concert went well, the song i practiced (and practiced, and practiced, my wrist hurt...) i got through well, even if i messed up i kept time... and the piano player backed off all the bass parts... and i took them... he had been doubling with me... but he put me on my own two feet today... and i did it. later in the meeting we had when we were talking and i thanked sir for encouraging me to stay in jazz band and the piano player for helping me so much, the piano player said that he would like to compliment me in that he didn't play any of the bass parts, and i stepped it up and took them... made me happy. ^_^ i hope i can continue to grow... God wanted me specifically on this bass guitar for some reason...
in the meeting we discussed things for a couple of hours... a lot about what we will do in germany... how we minister to the people just by living with them... working alongside them for the days we work with the choirs... my favorite kind of ministry... by example.
ha, never underestimate the power you have as a positive influence.
never.
i just pray that i can be a good example...
and then we talked about german food culture, what to expect...
and we also talked about how we're growing as a family...
we really are becoming a fmaily.
i may be quiet, yet i'm still a part, people still care, the girls will quickly search their purses when my period starts and i have no wallet and discovered i left all of my tampons in my dorm waiting to be packed (been... interesting... i had thought all this stress would have made it come LATER not EARLIER.) and i really truey appreciate my director and our sponser... the director is retiring... that will be sad... i like to joke around with him, make him laugh, and he loves us all. he really has a strong heart for You, Lord... he knows that he's here for a reason.
and i'm not the only one that feels they're blow par with everyone else...
yet for me...
i should be leading the band.
our sponser agreed with me... when he solos he listens to me for tempo. for pitch. for chords. to know where we are... and everyone should be listening for that. i'm the foundation others build from... now i do love to build a line around what others are doing, yet i showcase them and still support them in what they're doing.
i'm working on it...
thank You for the opportunity, Lord...
i had always wanted to be part of a team...
thought the close family aspect was appealing...
i had thought sports team.
never did think of how much this jazz band is a team, everyone with their own part, everyone needing to practice... i'm just the 'point guard' on the team calling the plays and setting the pace. (still have basketball on the brain even though season's over and i'm not on managing duties...)
but we're a team...
a family...
i'm going to hug sir quite hard when i leave that airport and go straight to camp.
he always believed in me... from the first time i stepped into that band room last spring to audition, he saw that i could do it. the bass player from last semester saw that i could do it.
and my family knows i can do it.
and they're starting to notice that i'm doing well in things...
sure i sitll mess up, i got lost in a song i never get lost in today!
yet i'm human and make mistakes, as was pointed out to me while practicing.
i looked around that hotel room we were all in...
we do have potential...
we all need to work harder...
while we have to work individually, ultimatly we're a team.
one band.
one sound.
we each have to carry our weight and support those around us, everyone is needed.
when one person falls, we struggle not to go down with them and to help them up.
we're a team.
a family.
ha, i had given up on me being part of a team...
i'm so excited to get better aswell...
if i'm this far...
and i've been playing 3.5 years...
and i have 3 years of college after this...
where will i be?
same with graphic design...
wow, three years seperate me from now and...
being out in the 'real world'
that's...
crazy.
2:22...
and i still have to take a shower...
yet i needed to deconstruct my thought...
however i should have deconstructed my jazz thoughts first, the long ramble before hand made me lose much of what i needed to say...
and you know, there with my jazz family... i felt like i was worth something. i was needed. i was appreciated.
and...
i felt like i was too good for that guy anyway, regardless of what feelings say.
like i'm better off without him in that aspect.
his loss.
i have no idea if that's good or not...
considering i also don't think he lost much, that i wasn't worth it.
a paradox a paradox...
this song ran through my head quite a bit... too many thoughts on the bus ride...
2:35 now... with that, i bid thee goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment