the stars and the sunrise are best when you feel them..

line i used when describing the theme of the play we did in Directing:
Frozen is about the breaking apart of an iceberg, learning to move with the weight of the block of ice on your chest, then coming to the surface of the frozen water you have been drowning in, bobbing up and down on the surface, and finally breathing in new air.


i honestly don't like it when people try forcefully to make something sound so profound and deep, not saying that is...
but i just talk this way.
think this way.




it feels wonderful outside...
i took my trash out and took the long way around the dorms.
barefoot of course.


it felt wonderful.
wonderful indeed...






there are many times that i am simply glad that i am not with him.
not out of bitterness, distaste, or cynicism...
but is it horrible to feel that i'm too alive for him?
i'm not sure what all of that entails, but i just am.
shouldn't say all of the reasons why, but i am.
that i felt like he captured me and tried to make me someone else; i could be who i was yet at the same time his impatience and assumptions caged me.
don't close me in by what you think you know.


"I found I wasn't asking good enough questions because I assumed I knew something. I would box them into a corner with a badly formed question, and they didn't know how to get out of it. Now, I let them take me through it step by step, and I listen."
-Alan Alda


he started out asking good questions, he approached things as if he didn't know me because he didn't and he wanted to know more. things started well.
but slowly he boxed me in a corner.
when we first began going out i asked him what would happen when we ran out of things to talk about, what would happen if he finally figured out my 'enigma.'
now i at least know what happened when he assumed he knew my enigmatic mind.


*sigh*
and i was a novelty.


but i am not just a puzzle to figure out.


and i am not a butterfly to pin to a board and examine.


i may try to understand and analyze most everything...


but do you sit there and analyze a sunset?


do you think hard about a spring breeze and weigh each raindrop the sky gives you?


no...


you just take it in.


if he wants to know for sure instead of experience then i will let him have it.
he can have fact sheets and i will remain unknown...
unknown because no one cares to take in, they'd rather assume.
and leave.


i say this without bitterness, just a touch of coldness.

...and i suppose i don't analyze, i just look and immediately have a jumbled ball of intertwined thought that i can pull a string out of if it is asked for.