most definitely going to miss my host family...
i kind of had two hosts, my host lived in an old renovated barn with her husband; her adult daughter visited often.
the other host and the girl she was hosting stayed with my host... so three band members, two choir members, and her husband.
there was a language barrier with my host mom, but we got along well even though she spoke very little english. yesterday as we were hiking in the forest with the rest of the group i picked a dandelion and blew the seeds off of it, then gave her one to do the same. i had a daisy in my hair, she liked it and picked a small purple flower in my hair. it was nice :)
aha, and a few nights ago (we stayed four nights there) while we were talking around the coffee table and i was kind of picking at my acne... nervous habit... she had kind of smiled and shook her head at me, indicating not to pick at it, then she just said 'ah, come' and i followed her upstairs. she pulled out a large bottle of brown alcohol type stuff, said 'grandmas old remedy' and showed me how to put it on with a q-tip. she said a lot in german that i did not understand, but we get a lot though the few words we have in common, sound effects, and motions, haha! of course a lot of people here seem to talk that way, i quite like it... interesting... wonderful host family :)
when my host 'mom' said goodbye, she hugged me, then pulled me aside and said 'you are a wonderful girl, ah, woman... this *motions to face implying acne* not so important. and no more! (picking at it)
i'll miss her...
it was like having a mom for a while.
i didn't realize the difference between my mom and a mom that makes you lunches with a psalm stuck in the bag, to tell you that you are wonderful and acne doesn't matter, to pick a flower for your hair and blow the seeds off a dandelion you pick.
marion has only been a Christian since may 1st...
a lot of the choir members are not Christian, they just join because they wish to sing a different style of music in english. the choir director here is doing such wonderful work...
at anyrate, i hope to be a mom like her if i ever am one.
i love my mom, but...
INTJ, what can i say.
and even if she told me i was wonderful it doesn't really mean anything, sadly enough...
i think the closest to that kind of relationship my mom and i got was when i told her that he went back to his old girlfriend and i didn't feel like going to that wedding. she told people i just wasn't feeling well, said i didn't have to go, and nothing more was said.
of course a week later she was herself again and... yeah.
i suppose i can think of another time when i was eight or something... perhaps ten... no, seven?
it was my birthday and that night i found myself trying to fall asleep in tears because i didn't want to grow up. i was comfortable. i had my dogs, my cats, my ferrets, time would take them away from me, time would ruin the simple pleasures that i had, it would take my grandparents, it would take away my grandparents house and the haven that it was for me, it would no longer mean rolling around in roller blades pretending to play hockey and imagining that my favorite player from the team near me was my older brother...
random:
i just remembered today that my high school band director, that plays hockey, told me once to never date a hockey player.
whoops.
should have followed his advice...
at anyrate, just talking to her then even though it was weird helped.
...and i think that's about it.
...
have i ever really gone to my parents with a problem?
i suppose a lot of people do, but i'll wager there are plenty that don't...
then again, i go to no one... so...
today we hung out at a youth center for a good deal of the day; that and being at the rehab center kind of made me think of how i really love being a positive influence on kids, just being there if they need me, trying to live a life that it's okay for them to look up to, not doing anything wrong, living a clean life...
how does that call fit into what i am preparing to do for a job, whatever that is?
...
i haven't a clue.
wait, i just remembered that once upon a time i had considered youth ministry.
but really, i can't see me doing that as a job.
well, camp but that's different.
i'd like to incorporate it, but how?
tonight and then one more night in germany...
i'm going to miss it greatly...
mmm, the fields with lush grass, poppies dotting the landscape, fields of yellow flowers...
how dandelions are not a common yet small daisies litter the ground...
so many gardens...
why did my family leave here?
long day, tired indeed... played football (real football) with band members... actually did well even though i kinda checked several of them... heh. i'm kind of rough in sports... do i need to body slam the opposing team mate? no. but does it get me the soccer ball? yes.
ha, one of the trumpet players kicked the ball hard...
went right into my knee.
i had a soccer-ball shaped imprint, pentagons/hexagons and all. i think one pentagon and then six hexagons around it...
i had hoped it would bruise that way yet after a lot of scrubbing the dirt washed away and it was gone.
pity i'm so hard to bruise, that would have been epic.
at anyrate, i have earned my rest however short it may be...
shower first however,
AGH!
spider...
in my bed...
i don't mind spiders but unexpected ones on me...
he's gone now.
after several hits with my laptop he's down for the count.
now i'm going to be paranoid all night...
yeesh...
well, i shall try to have a good night's rest regardless...
so tired, two concerts tomorrow...
then pack like a mad-man trying to get my checked bag underweight and sort out my souvenirs...
great scot, my hosts from the choir gave each girl they hosted twenty euros, about $30...
...not sure where to spend it in the next two days...
suppose i'll end up exchanging it...
good night to the world and i pray that six hours of sleep is sufficient...
back is sore...
a member of the band gave me a back massage, she couldn't believe the state my back was in, she sat there for twenty minutes massaging my back because she felt terrible that i had to live with that...
after a lot of various people felt my back it was decided that i needed to start saving money for a full body massage.
just rest, please...
rest...
shower and then settle into (a spider-free) bed...
Lord, when settling into bed and waking up in the morning can happen without negative thoughts to kill me...
just please.
this morning wasn't pleasant, yet this afternoon was quite nice, the skatepark, a walk, barbecue, just hanging out... wonderful break from terrible thoughts... i may be spent but i am kind of being myself outwardly...
oh, and when we all shared stuff today...
i think i said too much...
but Lord i think i said what You wanted me to.
i hadn't a clue what to say but when they said 'no pain no gain' i felt You telling me 'now you can ramble about pain being addicting.'
that feeling welling up inside that you just have to speak...
i still get nervous about saying my mind like that, yet when i feel like that i know that even if it didn't come out the way i had hoped that it was what You wanted me to let out.
still felt like a bit much...
rest...
agh, and stop messing with the acne, make marion happy...
hey Lord, could the acne at least be gone by september? i do not wish to being my twenties with acne.
even if some people thought i was 24 despite my acne.
...not sure that i look that old, but alright.
ah, okay, now rest...
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