*random
all of the carbonated drinks they drink in europe getting to me.
crazy, they even carbonate water and scarcely anyone drinks uncarbonated water...
i tried it with an open mind and no preconceptions, but great scot i can't get used to carbonated water...
beautiful day; 27/28 centrigrade yet it was lovely in the shade watching the rhine flow past...
i was able to continue reading dorian gray as i sat in the shade of a tree...
ha.
haha.
oh irony.
speaking of irony, it still escapes my reason as to how a 'writer' could only say 'i'm sorry' and 'maybe you should work on that.'
dime.
*toss*
...
silence.
there's no end to the well, the wish shall never reach the bottom and be realized.
sitting on the dry ground i looked about at the terribly burned grass... the water flowed peacefully in the Rhine, the green trees made music with the fresh leaves... but the ground, the ground...
i prayed for the ground.
i asked for God to hear its cry...
i could hear the ground crying for rain, crying for life...
life...
and then i realized...
must i always find myself in a metaphor?
yet while true life that i tremble to even think of elluded me, i thought...
and was content...
i fear that the death of dorian...
or is it death?
that is a good question...
yet the written tale of one does give me such good thought...
in watching others we learn more about ourselves...
i misquoted that terribly yet the meaning is there.
ah, haha,
"the joy of a caged bird was in her laugh"
thank you, mr. wilde, for noting that caged birds laugh differently.
yet we find her not really living until she meets him, so she can't take life without him because he is life.
thankfully i know life perfectly well.
regardless of what he thought.
no, no, it is not all about winning.
great scot no.
i shudder to think that the one person i thought knew me better than anyone else...
thought i considered life all about winning.
about triumphing over my past, proving all the people in my life wrong.
no, no, that is something that i feel a pull towards yet i know that is not life, that is not life.
nature would have me divide and conquer...
human nature that is.
odd thing human nature is...
is can be so good...
yet so terribly wrong.
what is it?
is it good?
or is it ultimately selfish?
to use Randian principles, is being selfish that bad?
what angle are you looking at being 'selfish'?
so many different aspects, ways to perceive things...
how could anyone think they fully know someone and what they think about things when there are so many facets to one simple opinion?
i suppose i always fear that i divulge a few facets; to assume there are only four or five sides to an opinion makes you create a ridiculously different shape than the fifteen sided figure the person relaying their opinion is envisioning. it's difficult indeed to give all sides and angles... and then to construct them properly...
suppose some people are easier to understand than i.
haha, today the other jazz member i'm staying with said i was so easy to read...
ha, indeed...
in certain aspects i suppose.
'are you hungry?'
'...no, not really.'
'she's hungry.'
suppose it depends on who i am at the moment.
ah, that caged bird line goes on...
'the joy of a caged bird was in her voice. her eyes caught the melody and echoed it in radiance, then closed for a moment, as though to hide their secret. when they opened, the mist of a dream had passed across them.'
i pity the girl for having these reactions induced by love.
read the book to discover why i pity her so.
yet i suppose i would pity her regardless.
i feel that...
i feel that Lord because of You...
because of Your creation...
...dare i say...
because i feel and live that, i feel that, see that, am that in nature...
and he shall never have that.
i feel all of that joy when i gaze as a vivid sunset, i tremble as i think that that shall never be his.
it's...
odd...
and one of the most true things in my life however...
i don't know, nonsensical as it seems.
i was twirling my bronzed curls on my finger as i read...
seeing them close up, depth of field making them prominent, i just thought of how not one golden curl would be touched by him.
i live this...
i pity her perhaps because she needed another person to feel it.
she didn't live before.
great scot, you must have life without people.
people will fail you in the end...
always...
even the most caring of people cannot be there for you all the time.
you have to know how to stand with your face to the wind and breathe without another propping you up and pushing on your lungs...
i cannot imagine relying solely on one person for life.
yet i rely on God, that's quite different.
living through another person...
only feeling alive when with them...
no...
or really i suppose know what life if before. know how to feel. how to breathe...
oh great scot i wish i could breathe now...
note to the ex if he is reading: (look, i didn't say 'bipolar' or anything like that!)
(...but i did there.)
(parenthesis!!!)
note:
read the picture of dorian gray.
/note.
(MORE PARENTHESIS)
A Pear In Thesis would be a phenomenal thesis.
or just put a pear in your thesis and walk around pointing at the thesis paper saying "A PEAR IN THESIS."
suppose that is shouting, all caps and whatnot...
but it's not wearing a hat so it's not all caps...
*bad joke groans*
yes i am tired.
in a portion of the book i'm reading this girls brother claims to kill the man she loves if he ever hurts her.
she claims he has no idea what he's talking about.
i beg to differ.
i'll wager that jim is listening to that caged bird... to that melodic laughter, they great feeling, the light in her eyes...
and imagining it quenched.
yes, i should think so.
yet all the same, my theory of needing life outside of a person is proven right...
however i know life.
i know life outside of him.
i shudder and feel pained at thought of any form of feeling life that was with him.
i cannot help that at all.
but i know life outside of him.
i live despite him.
i pray i never live to spite him as my natural human nature tells me he lives to spite me.
for all i know that could be true.
but i don't believe it, or at the very least refuse to believe it.
and if he's shocked that i could think he would live to spite me, it must be remembered that his existence is pain and that i have forgotten him as a person.
i simply give voice to many things in my mind...
*sigh*
sitting on the Rhine with my back against a tree, what more could one ask for?
as i read a character that quite reminded me of a friend i know, i was somehow reminded of 'the orphaned anything's' and how ayden constructs love stories and how the author's blog will speak of romance in europe.
i laughed thinking of how sitting along reading by a european river would be the perfect place to construct such a story; that's the place where people say 'one day i will sit by the river, i will be so enthralled with my book and the sound of the lapping water that i will not notice the handsome young man getting off of his bike and taking a book out of his messenger bag before settling at a bench. i read eagerly as the story tries my mind; i will speak to the characters and say arbitrary thoughts out loud until i hear a laugh come from a bench ten feet away from me; he looks at me and i look away in shyness, my blue eyes laughing at the happenstance and wondering how long he had been sitting there...'
well, you get the idea.
today was wonderful...
so much good thought...
good reading...
ha, and walking by myself.
the group i was with had walked from the bus to the water, and i decided i needed my book, no one cared to go back with me so i walked back through town to the bus. not very long. maybe 8-10 minute walk.
should i be walking by myself in germany?
meh, i'm fine.
it is late and my eyes are heavy...
song for today...
i scribbled so much in my small moleskine notebook as i read...
i think 'far from home' by the classic crime...
indeed...
haha, oh dear, i had nearly forgotten.
quite cynically i was laughing one day at how the song 'to the wolves' by anberlin was his song.
his song indeed.
i almost feel that should be his illustrious mantra...
no, 'i called on Jesus but He head i hurt His little girl... yeah with my reckless stare i've been so unfair, misplacing my affections'
great scot yes...
ha,
i can fight the wolves on my own.
besides, the darkness of pain probably would have been unbearable to him so its just as well.
i can fight the wolves on my own.
But Lord, not without You.
and You have told me that i need to learn to let people help.
...You have told me that 19 years is long enough for fighting wolves on my own.
so late...
1am, really?
great scot, i despise taking showers this late... i feel wrong about it when i'm in a stranger's home as a guest...
but thank you Lord for the thought...
so much.
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