-stupid mundane girly problems warning-

Ecclesiasties 4:9-10
"Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their eforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up."

i am, as usual, the one who has fallen without another to lift me up.

so...
I try to get used to leaning on someone.
and fail.
it takes me so long to open up...
so long...
communication?
i'm not good at it. it takes me a long time to be so and no one wishes to wait that long. i have many friends, but none that i run to. i'm not used to running to people. at all. i've been through so much without anyone... so much... i pretty much have to be drug into talking, and even then it's hard for me to say anything. after the fact i think 'why didn't you say it stupid!'
and then you try to open up to someone. you crack a little.
just a little. but not enough. and there's nothing you can do about that.
they may throw around phrases like you're so different (poor excuse, but i suppose the 'differences' came in miscommunication...) and communication... (...communication. really? great scot...) but in the end those are poor excuses when you think about it. trying to put names to it and quite thoroughly pointing out your flaws without them intending to do so. of course you will think it's your fault. that's what you have been conditioned to do.
and even if you had been on the fence about how you felt about this person at first... well, you actually realize you had always been on the fence. but you chin up. because you're strong. you shut those feelings away and forget about them the best you can. and even though they had made promises you knew they shouldn't have made from the time they were said, you forgive them. because what needs to happen needs to happen. and i can see that.
and hey you, don't dispute how i downplay myself. don't say it's not my fault. don't hurt me by letting me know how wonderful i am. how attractive i am. how smart i am. i can't hear that from you. i can't.
i.
can't.
don't even think of it.
you forced,  forced me out and then threw me back in.
and if a person likes you in a relationship sense from the time they meet you, you are great friends for several months, start dating, and then it's over and they want to be best friends again... what worth was the initial friendship? at anyrate, back to introvert corner i go. and i feel bad that i let the relationship happen in the first place. i guess i just went along with it. we should have just stayed friends as i first wanted to- especially if it was to end like this. skip the in between. then we could still be friends, i'm left without ever having a relationship, and all is well with the world. and i never would have been excited for valentine's day for once in my life. then with how he was acting... i was worried. rightfully so. i'm too damn good at reading people... but not good at...
just not good enough.
just not good enough.

i can't reach out to people. i just can't... i have to be found. few people know that. fewer try.
i had told God the other day that it had been a while since i had been through something difficult... through something that hurt... haha, i should have thought a bit more before i said that!

him saying i was immature in relationships but more mature in life, ha, what, because i wouldn't kiss him? hell no!

i feel like a stupid girl. which is what got me into this in the first place.
since he wants to be friends again it may aswell have never happened. then the upcoming musical wouldn't be akward. i wouldn't be stupidly trying not to cry all day tomorrow when i didn't even like him that much.
i know it would hurt him to hear.
but i wish it had never happened.
i somehow knew it wouldn't last... i'm always right.
i wish it had never happened.
so life could go on.
which it will.
but it would be easier.
and i would still have a best friend.
because i haven' many of those.
and no one really cares to get to know me anyway.
so i'll just sit here with my favorite stuffed cow and retreat to introvert corner as the stupid girl cries and the hardened, weathered Lindsay says i shouldn't have let it happen and goes on as if there was nothing.

i wish it had never happened.

----edit----
an hour later and i can't go to sleep.
and i hate that i feel this way.
because it changes nothing.
so why bother feeling it.
i won't.