Hi. my name is lindsay... and i suffer from humanity.

random:


*note*
don't read unless you want blunt honesty and to start thinking thoughts you shouldn't.
yeah you.
i have to get it out of my system.


it's ridiculous how much thought there is in everything...
different aspects that push and pull; humanity and thoughts that are part of our selfish core being fought by the good that we also are; that i grew into from having God be my constant company...
but clairty of soul means you see the negative things that you musn't give a voice in your life to.
there's the side that wants to say 'i feel sorry for her dating an arrogant jerk that thinks he knows best, is oxymoronic and does what he condemns others for doing and...'
etc.
that's not right.
at all.
even if i feel he is that it musn't be part of anything, especially how i act.
there's the part of me that compares myself and thinks 'oh, well i am prettier.' 'i do look better' 'i'm more athletic' 'i bet i think more deeply.'
...that's just pathetic.
makes me slightly nauseous to think i'm capable of such thought...
i don't compare myself to others in such a way; i never have.
why now?
i would say that it's jealousy in most cases that drives it; but it that simply isn't true at all in this case.
i think it's because of how basically said 'you're not good enough' i have to make myself feel better by saying i'm better than her.


i despise human nature sometimes.


the friction between human nature and the person You want me, and everyone else, to be is part of life...
i suppose the sandpaper smooths it all over and gets rid of the rough edges.


then there's my mind trying to criticize him.
posture. looks. actions.
i am not a life critic, no one is save You, Lord, and even then you see beyond.
we see the result and i, being who i am, try to assess the result to come to a better understanding of it all.


human nature is a terrible, binding thing...


there are good elements but life is a push and pull battle for what will win out in your life...
often, as a wall-flower, i had the opportunity to observe the many aspects of human nature simply because no one asked me to take part in humanity.
i sat on the edge.
and watched.


it's fascinating to observe such things...
through observing it outwardly you learn to observe it inwardly.
your mind is not one idea; it's hundreds of perspectives clashing together, thoughts that shouldn't be considered trying to win out over...
You know Lord, i realize that human nature is a part of everyone.
but it feels as if i'm so disassociated with it that it's feasible for me not to be a part of it.
i grew up with You Lord, and i'm not certain what that would mean for the human core that i have...
...other than i'm different...
but it's crazy...
especially how i can sit back and recognize all of these thoughts playing out...
while the negativity and pathetic thoughts are there...
they're not a part of me.
human nature is not a part of me?
i wish i knew how to say that...


but it seems true.


i recognize that humans are not inherently bad...
but they are also not inherently good.
there is poison mixed into our blood that is difficult to recognize if you don't look deep enough...
or don't understand enough...
i acknowledge that children, when young, can't comprehend a lie at first...
i wonder if a child surrounded by pure good would discover anything evil. i.e. a lie.
i would bet so.
Cain did.
Adam did.
there's poison in choice, and we have to decipher the good and the bad...


i suppose we're not good or bad, we have just simply been given the power to govern ourselves.


that's an interesting poison that seeps in and taints our very nature...
is it really power that is the root of all evil?
choice?
the power to make choice?
it all bleeds together...


i realize i am not saying anything new or profound.
just sorting through old thoughts and trying to think of why such thoughts dare invade my mind...
glimpses of a form of hatred that is not just,
judging in order to make myself feel better,
triumphant thoughts of me being 'right all along,'
burning regret that channels apathy in a degrading manner.


i realize that i'm human...


but i wish i didn't have to be.


i suppose humanity is distasteful to me.
...in myself.


how is it that it is understandable in others?


random: it occurs to me that i never go into detail about the positive force trying to beat out the negatives...
i suppose for me it is primarily the pull that 'this isn't right...'