duct tape and inspiration

*random
i wonder if mom knows how much she hurts dad.
last weekend...
it was ridiculous.
but i see where i get the gene for brushing off such encounters.
...hopefully i never marry into a situation where i have to use it.
then again, i think when it comes to peers i can defend myself better.
i was talking to my friend from san fran and she's going through the menopause-monster-mom phase now, my family is done with that thankfully. 
she recognized that it's hard because...
what are you going to do, rebuke your parents?
if someone, anyone, else treated you like that you'd defend yourself.


...unless you're me, and i'm odd. i do but i'm also hard on myself...
i suppose cruelness and things that make no form of sense i call out, but downing my singing, acting, anything...
i may agree.


there's one thing about 'acting' in college...
first semester last year the director supported me and loved me.
second semester not so much.
i don't have my high school drama teacher and friend that's now in an ADA acting school to cheer me on, give me pointers, and see potential in me.
no one to egg me on.
ah well.


you know when actors, famous athletes, artists, etc...
when they say 'I'd just like to thank my 4th grade teacher' or 'if it hadn't been for my mentor in college...'
i see quite clearly how necessary such people are.
if you took what they said and they're mentorship...
i'd be almost done with a rigorous film/design school by now.
or i'd be majoring in theater right now.
or i'd be majoring in voice performance. (the entire musical cast my senior year, leads included, told me to follow that route...)
or i'd be modeling like my art teacher thought.
or i'd be a professional hammered dulcimer player, one famous dulcimer artist at a workshop thought i should...
or i'd be a scientist like all of those people at science camp, including my grade school principal that's the head of the board for that program, thought.
or i'd be a historian like many teachers past thought.


...but i've never had a constant mentor or supporter.
and i'd be happy doing any of those things.
i'm running out of time for a concrete decision, and is design where i want to end up?
i'm thinking of it as 'be stuck in' because what i graduate with is it, i can't afford anymore.


...


with that in mind maybe i should add a music major.


we'll see how choir goes.


i... just don't know.


i suppose shocking the choir director and him saying i've made fantastic progress isn't enough.
or shocking the head of the fine arts department to tears.


but am i really that or any good?


i suppose in the end for me it depends on what mentor wins out.
what person drives me to become more.
it's pathetic that i say that instead of grasping one possibility on my own.
i suppose i'm too 'realistic'


my design prof believes in my design.


...but while i eat, sleep, and breathe design...


i don't make designs or art all the time. 
it's not all i am...
as in my friends in the department (and the field) that are wonderful at it create all the time.
i...
don't.


at anyrate...
i see where mentors help, i'd been thinking of that with acting... 
seeing the difference.
i think having a solid, honest mentor also keeps you real.
except without one, in my case, i meet reality hard and only see fault.
you have to believe in yourself, but not be arrogant about it...
i've met people who are good...
but the problem is they know it.
and their character turns it into arrogance.


however as humans we all have that quality...
how do we ensure it doesn't come out?


it reminds me of what i thought when i was in the holocaust museum in Berlin...
both the murderer and the victim were humans.
same qualities.
what went wrong?
or like 'the dark knight'
same premise.
good...
but he turned.
what...?


anyhow, i went from arrogance to more extremes...
but it's the same idea.


great scot, it's late and i have to help tow a truck on the morrow...




listening to the lord of the rings sound track... 
calming.


*sigh*


Lord, you created me...


so differently...


it's odd to feel at home in a melody.


you float away with it and are left not feeling like you're home.
as if you're called to do something more...
but what?