saw 'dead poet's society' today.
the main character finally decides what he wants to do in life, he becomes enraptured with the idea of seizing the day and when that is taken from him...
he kills himself.
a friend speculated that the movie is based upon how people react to romanticism, there are people that take it too far as he did, take it too far as one boy did by acting out in whatever way he felt, those that abhor it, those that find a balance, etc...
while taking his life, in my opinion, was not in his character, i think that perhaps he had lived with longing for something more all his life.
he found it.
he found like and meaning in words, life took him in such a way as it does to all who let it...
but that was taken away...
instead of fighting, instead of doing as i do and breathing just to live another day...
he gave up.
or rather he died with romanticism.
was his clean air, bright snow, open window, midsummer's night dream romantic as he bled to death with a bullet wound?
i often wonder when the line is crossed, when will people wake up from the dream that is life and realize what they are doing?!?
perhaps it is okay to live life as a dream as long as you are aware it is a dream.
keep one foot in reality, and one hand grasping the stars...
then again, i know what it is to live without life.
to take in air and not breathe as you walk through the night,
...and the stars seem so bright...
but they taunt you, for they hold the life you shall never have...
the life that you are yet cannot live in.
and why is that? why can you live and breathe yet not be able to exist in such a state permanently?!
i declare it to the skies, why cannot i look upon each person with the same intrigue and imagery i give a tree, a tree glittering with frost on such a morning that wakes your soul to such you have no idea what to do but you wish you could run and slide down the road, smiling madly and laughing at the birds as they chirp at you wildly for disturbing them!
why can i act up a storm when i'm comfortable, give a lovely how do to an old inky typewriter and ask how many frustrated students have rammed their forehead into the lovely cast-iron Underwood keys as they plead with their minds to give them SOMETHING so they will not fail their composition?!
why, why i demand, why, can i say what i mean so perfectly while talking to You Lord, why can I share my heart with Orion yet never ever show a sign of life to a human being?!?
NEVER have i lived true life in sight of another, is it conditioned into me? is the wide-world of introvert corner meant only for me? is it because not everyone enjoys laying down next to a tree and gazing up at the trunk, focusing on each inch of the bark and thinking such thoughts that one runs danger of falling in to?
but that rant i tripped into, for what i intended to say at first is how can i not live like that...
all the time...
i suppose i answered my own question.
the night air always draws me in to life...
i can feel dead at times but i do feel at peace...
when alone...
so what, if i was given a cottage by a stream and all the books i could read i would be alive and dancing in the woods forever?
i would be feeling leaves tenderly and shivering with joy at the life they bring, picking a daisy to stick behind my ear, and sticking my feet in the cold water?
one scene of that movie i understood more than the others, i do think...
neil took his shirt off and opened his windows.
there was snow on the sill and cold air came pouring in.
i knew what he was going to do...
i understood his feeling, and i understood that at that point he would take it too far.
it is not enough to fling windows open and feel the cold air pour over you.
at that point you need more.
you NEED more.
life is the most addicting thing you will ever encounter.
the character in that story had it taken from him.
he was not feeling.
he was experiencing what he could not have.
*sigh*
to lack your mind, to recall walking in the night making poetry with each word yet the next day gasping for air...
yet i still wonder at how the character was weak, or strong, enough to just end it.
he made a statement.
it was indeed pure romanticism.
but i don't understand how you cannot stand in the face of death and declare that it shall have no hold over you, or at least that you shall battle it.
but in the aspect that my friend pointed out...
i too do not know how to handle the 'romanticism'
or rather, as i see it, the life.
seeing things in such a way that they are given more meaning than an average thought could dream of...
i don't know how to handle it.
i'm going to be sitting at a desk my whole life.
i'm going to be sitting at a desk my whole life.
WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT TO DO AT THAT DESK?
will i be expressing ideas through graphic design?
creating things specifically to another's orders?
what is is that i do want?
what, to read my entire life? to sit and think for a living? how would i manage that?
do i expect to seize life at all times?
what do i want?
what should i do with my life?
and i doing design because i'm giving in?
...yes.
but also because i love design.
where is the line?
while i'm at it why don't i get a job listening to the music of Howard Shore and dreamily lay upon the grass as i float across the fields of rohan and arrive at the very cracks of doom only to then be taken to the undying lands?
i do not wish to work to support life, i wish for my life to support my work and i haven't a clue how to accomplish it!
what is it that i desire...
and why can it not be specific?
regardless, i shall now fall into the arms of sleep...
that is, in truth, what i always mean when i say 'fall to sleep'
i mean that my head finally relaxes on the pillow, my thoughts slowly become dreams, and i am at peace... blanket keeping my warm as i curl under the covers, trying to keep warm as the chill air creeps in...
i will undoubtedly open the window before i lock it for the night...
i will regret it as my mind comes awake and plagues me with the most wonderful things...
i'll breathe...
and then i will rest...
-edit-
i think that it wasn't clear that you can live without the vivid ridiculous breathing found outside...
you can indeed ^_^
that being said, i could live while sitting at a desk my entire life.
i'm just not certain i want to.
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