well.
to say it has been a while since i last posted (although no one reads these...) is quite the understatement. i was once in awe that i would be in college in two years and now i'm planning classes for my second semester on campus.
i got a random notion to read my old blog posts, and came across come that i had not posted yet...
just another day, from my point of view...
you know, sitting in a high school, in a desk, in college chem class, while taking a test, is not the best time to allow your mind to wander.
or, moreof, to accidentaly misplace the thoughts that are really important involving enthalpy and heat of effusion, and replacing them with whatever is on your mind, as far from chemistry as your brain can take you.
so today, while forgetting about how to put the rate of effusion into a problem about melting ice and water, i realized that why i wanted an older brother was because i wanted someone to look up to.
i guess i never really had anyone to look up to...
now i'm just...
i don't know.
however, a few days ago i realized what i really want to do with my life.
one thing that i am SURE that i want to be.
and i'll be happy with that until God leads me further.
i need to stop worrying so much, i'm in God's hands, and he knows what my real desire is. as long as i know what it is, on the way to finding out what i will be i can still be what i really want to be.
i want to be a positive influence.
don't know how. it will come along somehow...
the morning is a good time of day. the world is waking up, you can see the sun pulling the clouds from it's eye, and it's you and the morning. like someone you know. odd how i'm a morning AND night person. i really am somewhat of a paradox.
then you pull into some school in the middle of the country, and everyone is inside not really aware of the wonderful morning air outside, theyr'e all too busy texting or talking about... things i would really rather not hear. you meantion good morning to people, and they really don't get what you mean.
however, today, jazz band was great.
except for that song i still don't know. i can read bass cleff now, just not at that tempo... or any tempo really...
you know, tests really are the ultimate in emotion rollercoasters. if tested for bipolar disorrder during a test, the entire nation may be put on medication. first you're worried, then you're optomistic, then you realize 'hey, even though i aced that lab i didn't remember these problems existed and never studied this!" then you're sifting through the problems you know, you struggle through some others, and find yourself scirbbling aimlessy a few things like 'i fail at life' and erasing them. then after working with it for a while, you remember how to do the problem, okay not remember, more like work it in some weird way and get a good answer that's on the multiple choice option C) and then taking that method and applying it to other problems, gettign a good answer, and slowly remembering that as the correct method and then following through with the non-multiple choice questions. then you're angry at yourself for talking so long, and yet relieved that you finally understand.
...
the positive influece.
i may have changed, over the years, yet that's one thing that has remained true.
i was old enough to work at camp last summer. one counselor confided in me that i was what all counselors shoudl aspire to be. i was the spirit of the camp embodied. this counselor had been my counselor 7 years earlier when i first came to that camp; he has made a lot of mistakes in life. he owns up to them. i respect him greatly, even if he hasn't 'shaped up' yet.
and later that week... i helped with a camp for kids and parents. one parent, as i was loading up my truck, stopped me and told me how thankful he was that i was being a positive influence. he told me NEVER to underestimate the power i had as a positive force in kids' lives.
wow.
my self-esteem issues do rear their nasty head from time to time, yet it's moments like this i cling to.
that being said, and what else i was going to say being helplessly forgotten in my exploded filing cabinet of a mind (think very shaken snowglobe... visualized it? yes. that's my mind.) i think i need to blog more. not because others will read it (if anyone is, bonus points to you. i don't expect anyone to.) but because in reading past entries i realize things i had forgotten... perhaps this could be a good idea.
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